by K A Sands
“Who’s in there? With my dad, I mean?”
“You’re eavesdropping, Ayden?” She tutted, eyeing me up and down, making me feel like a kid.
“Who’s in there?” I asked again. Panic was flapping about inside me, I didn’t know how to process what I’d heard. Who I’d heard.
“Why don’t we go back down to the kitchen? I’ll get you a coffee.”
I didn’t want bloody coffee. “Laura...”
“How much did you hear?”
“Plenty, I think I heard plenty.” I turned away from her, intent on ignoring anything more, I didn’t care about being rude right then, anger encompassing the panic. I was gonna deck the shithead my dad was talking to.
“Ayden,” Laura barked, something she rarely did. Still, I ignored. “Give me a minute, what’s got you riled up?”
“You know,” I pointed out. “About my mum.”
“I know a lot of things about her, none are for me to say.”
She grabbed my arm, started pulling me away from the door but I was having none of it and twisted from her grip, clutching at the door handle, barging my way into the study. I’d only managed two short steps before I faltered and stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes landing on heartbreak.
“You?” I sneered, not quite believing who I was seeing.
I knew it to be true however, as my heart cracked into a million fucking pieces, betrayal stinging sharp. From the look on his face, he knew I’d heard the words he’d said not two minutes earlier.
I suddenly felt dirty and awful and scared, wishing someone or something would pull me from the train wreck that had instantly become my life. A thousand different emotions tore into me and jarred like tiny needles of glass across my skin, embedding in my flesh and ripping at me.
“My mother...” I stammered out, “...really?” Shaun’s mouth gaped, opening and closing like a fish out of water, no words coming out. “You fucked my mother? What is this? Keeping it in the family or something? God, it’s disgusting, you’re disgusting.” I kept on, my mouth running away with me from sheer disbelief, no longer caring for the audience I knew I had. “What? You fuck her in the arse too, bet she loved that. You just wanna piece of the pie, huh? Money...that’s it, right? Money, easiest way for a clean break.”
I ploughed my fist into the wall beside me, the plaster cracking, my knuckles smarting, a pain I barely registered. It was nothing compared to the hurt I felt inside my chest, I could’ve died right there on the study floor, bled out at the fucker’s feet so he could see the destruction he’d caused.
The lying sack of shit sat silently, offering me nothing, No apology, no explanation, not one thing. Nothing.
Disbelief engulfed me like a dense fog rolling over the shore. I looked from Shaun to my father then back to Shaun, not caring to analyse my dad’s lack of reaction, like it had been expected. Shaun was no longer looking at me, telling me everything I needed to know.
Well, fuck him.
The loss was immediate, shaking me down to my very bones. I could hardly stay standing, my knees trembled so hard, I felt shame for the weakness, allowing my emotions to get away from me. And all for what? A few quick, intense fucks. I wasn’t letting this guy see exactly how far he’d burrowed under my skin. This wasn’t my fault, I had no blame here, it was all on him. I shouldn’t feel an ounce of pity or regret for him, at the way he was hunched over like I’d done him a wrong. It wasn’t me, it was him. All him.
Disgust slammed into me again. What was fucking wrong with him? “Do you have zero morals? A married fucking woman. My mum!” I shouted, words full of aggression.
“Okay, son,” my dad stood, “enough is enough. This isn’t helping.”
I took a bracing step backward when he advanced in my direction, bumping into Laura at my back. “Not helping? You’re defending him?”
“No.” The word was strong but fell on deaf ears. My heart panged and clattered around in the metaphorical cage that was slowly unravelling. “What is done, is done. Can’t be taken back. No point splitting hairs about it.”
“I’m sorry.”
Lifting my head to where Shaun still sat, his apology was loud and sincere. And made not an ounce of difference. A cut still stung, no matter how deep it went and this one went far deeper than any I’d ever had before. I turned on my heel, barging past Laura, not able to face any of them for a single second longer. I left, shattered pieces too broken to pick up on the way out.
* * *
The pain in my head was horrendous. Opening my eyes and facing life? Not encouraging. Wait, I didn’t know if it was still day, I’d lost time somewhere, I certainly didn’t remember getting where I was now. My arm covered my eyes as I searched my murky brain for some sequence of events and drew up short, letting out a long groan trying again to unscramble the bits and pieces from earlier. Tilting my head to the side, I searched for my phone to seek out the time. Instead I found myself greeted with an upturned bottle of Tequila on the pillow next to my head.
Another long groan crawled from my mouth.
And then a gag as the smell hit me. Great! Now I had to try and function enough to get up and not step in puke and clean the crap from my floor. Laura was going to go ballistic on me. Shifting gingerly into a sitting position, I rested against the headboard and squinted when I removed my arm. Rubbing gritty eyes, I deemed I’d be feeling like shit for a few more hours yet.
The desperate need to relieve the thudding pain in my head clawed at me, painkillers would stem the obvious hangover. A sickening feeling took over as I scanned around my room, cringing at the mess. Clothes were scattered all over, broken legs of a wooden desk chair lay splintered by the door, another hole in another wall and my smashed tv were a guaranteed arse whipping from my dad.
Broken things and destruction wasn’t what made me feel sick though, oh no. That privilege belonged to the figure skulking at the bottom of my bed. Shaun was sitting on a chair that had avoided my temper tantrum, head hung low, elbows on knees. Looking sorry for all his sins. I could feel his despair from where I was.
I shouldn’t give a shit.
But I did...I really did.
This guy had shredded my fucking heart, fed it into a meat grinder and kept on going. Not just him though, my mother too. To blame only him would have been far too easy. My own flesh and blood had put a price on my father’s head, attempted to take him away from me. That was what I couldn’t get my head around, far more than the betrayal from Shaun. I’d get over him, over the blip of time he was a part of my life. In the grand scheme of things, my mother was the worse of the two evils. I wouldn’t get over that.
“What do you want?” I couldn’t bring myself to say his name, my mouth dry.
He looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and a fat lip. God, I hoped it was me who’d clocked him in the face. Pain etched the lines of his skin, making him look older, so much older. Still a handsome fucker. I winced at the state of him before I remembered why he looked like he did.
“To make this right,” he stated, as if it was that easy.
“How much?” It seemed a relevant question, considering the circumstances. How much exactly was my dad’s life worth to my mother?
“What does it matter, Ayden? I never accepted, had no intention.”
“It matters to me!” I shouted hoarsely, my head aching. “How fucking much?”
He sighed loudly, like my question was an inconvenient one and he dropped his chin to his chest again.
“Fucking look at me!” I roared, jumping from my bed, and going for him, grabbing roughly at his hair, and yanking his head back so he had no other option than to do as I asked.
“A hundred grand.”
I laughed as I let go of him, I couldn’t help it. A hundred grand - a paltry amount of money to some, probably the world to him. And for someone’s life? The irony of it was; my mother had millions. Millions - and that was what she had offered? My dad had meant nothing.
“I never took it,” he said loudly,
some fight coming into him while he shook me away and moved to his feet, standing toe to toe with me. Grabbing my face in his hands, he knocked his head against mine. “I never took it.”
Shrugging him from me, I stepped back, he was too close and his proximity me was too much. I was raw, fragile, angry. His touch clouded my judgement and the thought of never having his hands on me again hit too hard, crushed the last of my heart. “That’s my father,” I whispered, brokenly, reeling from the betrayal.
“I didn’t know, I swear. I had no idea. Not until yesterday. I’d never known who you were, never seen you back then.”
“Why not?” he knew what I was asking.
Shaking his head, he said quietly, “that’s not me, not who I am. It wasn’t a mistake I wanted to make. I couldn’t kill anyone, Ayden. You know me.”
Did I? How well did I really? My mother had asked him to kill my father, she’d had a reason to go to him, that’s what sent the alarm bells ringing louder. Why would she ask something like that of him if she didn’t know the type of person he was? She knew him better than me it appeared, I had no idea who this man really was. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to stick around and find out.
“She was never in my bed.”
Lord, he was reaching, I didn’t figure he fucked many people in a bed. Honestly, the more I looked at him, the more I saw a back seat, back alley kind of guy. What the fuck was I thinking?
I laughed. “Neither was I, Shaun.”
And there was the cold fact of the matter. I’d never been in his bed, he’d only ever been in mine once. A relationship it did not make, some hot fucking didn’t make him my boyfriend.
He hung his head, defeated again, mirroring my own pose and we stood there silently, similar in our discourse, nothing more left to say. Frankly, I didn’t want to deal with him at all.
“You need to leave.” I scrambled about on the floor and unearthed a towel from the mess of clothes, throwing it over the sick by the side of the bed, then I climbed back in, slipping under the covers.
Hiding, I was hiding.
I curled into a ball, pulled the duvet over my head and tried to shut out the screaming pain in both my head and chest. That raw feeling of vulnerability I hated so much was creeping its way back under my skin and I couldn’t stand it.
All went quiet, and I welcomed the silence, the constant thud in my head stopping my thoughts from running away with themselves. I lay in the same position for what felt like hours, time had no meaning under the dark duvet. I knew Shaun was still in the room, the door had not been opened, as if to confirm, the bed tilted behind me. I stayed under the covers, not wanting to face him, not wanting to see those piercing eyes of his pleading for something I couldn’t give him.
“Go away, Shaun.” Feeling worn out physically and mentally, I grumbled like a petulant child.
His warm hand snuck under the covers and he fumbled about until he could manoeuvre his hand over my heart, his front against my back above the duvet. I let out a sniff, one I couldn’t hold back any longer no matter how hard I’d tried, having neither the will nor the notion to remove his hand from my skin.
“Ayden, I’m so sorry.”
I’m sure he meant it, but really, what did it matter? How could we come back from something of this magnitude? We’d barely been together, and this felt like too big a hill to climb for something so new. His fingers traced small circles around my nipple, light feathery touches that had my body betraying me, like it always did with him.
Anger slipped to the background as my blood flowed south, way south. Reluctantly I let Shaun’s movement arouse me. While it was as good as it always was with him, his fingers carried a sting I didn’t particularly care for, and my sexual thoughts had no place there and then.
“Shaun, please...” I begged, I wanted to be left alone in my own misery, to get my head around my mother’s betrayal. With him touching me it was nearly impossible.
“Let me explain, please?” Now, he was begging. When he laid his palm still against my chest, I knew he could feel my racing heart. There was nothing to explain, the facts were the facts, what was done was done. My dad was right. But there was no justification he could offer.
“There’s no need.” My voice was gruff, giving away my raw emotions, tinged with resignation, anger threatening again. I grabbed at his hand, my mind obviously fucked because I pushed it all the way down to my burgeoning erection that was straining in my underwear. Unsure as to why I did it, impulse maybe, not what I needed but still...I pushed his hand against me harder, aching for a zing of pain anywhere other than my heart.
Before I could check myself, re-arrange the incensed words to not sound so harsh, they had left my mouth. Even I was disgusted with myself but didn’t care enough to take them back. “Maybe you could suck my dick like the good little cocksucker you are, and I’ll give you five minutes of my time.”
Yip, utterly repulsed with myself. Did I really say that? I didn’t mean it, surely?
Shaun’s hand tightened, and he gripped me through the material, his fingers drifting along the ridge of my ever-stiffening length. The pounding in my head rode tandem with the thumping in my chest. He was so close, squeezed up against me.
Did I let him do this, could I?
There was no denying my body was singing for release, but it was all shades of fucked up considering the last few hours - days - whatever it was. Fuck it, I’d question myself later, bucking into his hand was message enough I was into it. Nothing was going to please me more right then than his mouth around my cock, so I could think of something other than what was at the front of my head.
Shaun whipped off the covers and roughly tugged my body around, so I was lying on my back. Opening my eyes, I was met with his hard glare, one I couldn’t read.
“You gonna watch this bitch suck your cock, Ayden. Like the good little boy I am?” There was grit and steel and determination I’d never seen before from him.
Momentarily stunned but secretly elated he wanted to please me, that he wasn’t backing down and letting me roll over him, I grinned. Even if I did have to look at a face I wasn’t sure I could stand right then.
Drunk, I was still drunk. Yeah, that’s what was wrong with me, what this madness was. That’s what I told myself anyway. I needed this man’s mouth wrapped around my dick so I could come and not care.
I crossed both arms over my face and adopted an ‘I couldn’t give a fuck’ slouch which was so unconvincing I almost burst out laughing. I concentrated on getting off instead, it would be a hollow victory but enjoyable. Shoot my load then drift back into blissful sleep.
Gripping the top of my shorts, Shaun roughly yanked the cotton down my legs then nudged my knees apart. Even fully clothed I could feel his heat scorching the insides of my thighs. I didn’t look down, just gave in to the pleasant sensations of his rough hands skimming across my taut abdomen, and my dick throbbing. I was fully aroused and trying like hell not to make a sound, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much I enjoyed his touch, what he was doing to me. Licking my lips hidden behind my arms, I smiled when I felt cool air drift across my balls, followed by a tight hold on my length.
“Just fucking suck me all ready, Gripp.” I ground out in demand. I was in no mood for slow or sensual, I wanted him sucking me down and me flooding his throat, no bullshit in between. Hard and raw - no emotions.
When Shaun settled and engulfed me in one go, I jumped at the heat surrounding my crown, he slid down in one easy movement, taking me to the root. So deep. So, so deep.
“Holy shit...”
Grabbing two handfuls of his hair, needing to control where and how his mouth took me, I rolled my eyes. Without waiting to see if he was ready, like was usually polite, I hammered on, pulling out only to stuff his mouth full again with more force. More anger bubbled to the surface with each punishment I gave, each thick jab at his mouth. Shaun’s spluttered gags weren’t enough to halt me, making me tug tighter on the strands of hi
s hair and fuck his mouth as deep as I could go.
God, I wanted to strangle him, choke him and watch his eyes bug out - not in a nice way either. The need to use him and hurt him slammed me all at once. Then I was coming, I couldn’t remember getting there, couldn’t remember exactly when he’d stuck his finger in me, but it didn’t matter. The last brutal punches of my hips waned quickly when that euphoric high of releasing hit me.
Down his throat I came, shuddering, with hazed vision, my toes curling to the point of cramping my calves, but my spunk continued to flow, like an endless rush of a river emptying out to sea. The slowing ebb and tide eventually stole over me as my muscles unclenched and I slumped back on the bed, exhausted.
Lost in myself, it took a while to notice Shaun had climbed up my torso and was hovering above me. When he saw I had a fragment of mindfulness again, he placed his two big hands around my face and kissed the hell out of me. I could taste my essence on his lips, didn’t care, all I felt was the passion he poured into me, almost reaching the parts of my soul he’d turned cold. I gave in and let him devour me.
I was so lost to him. So lost.
Emotions suffocated me and renewed as I kissed him back with as much ferocity as he was me. Stroking his hand down my jaw when he pulled away, he smiled down at me, like I hadn’t just debased him by using his mouth for my own selfish pleasure and punishing him. His smile was shy, lacking its usual self-assured arrogance he pulled off so well, and it sucked away the last remnants of my resentment.
How could I turn this man out of my life?
Returning a tentative smile, I ran a finger over his fat bottom lip that was now red and split. So soft, so beautiful. I would forgive him anything if he would only look at me that way for the rest of my days. He was telling me so much without saying the words, maybe even things neither of us could give voice to right then.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
