Burnt

by Lyn Lowe

  It wasn’t. Another crack. Another scream. “I can’t just let him…”

  “You can.” She tugged him up like he weighed nothing. “You have to.”

  It continued for nearly an hour. Kaie fought some. Not enough. Josephine’s grip was iron. He watched as Keegan was flayed. After a while, the screams stopped. Soon, it was nothing more than whipping dead flesh. Even the bloodthirsty crowd was spent of their sport at that point. Still, the brute kept going.

  “Stop.”

  The same word, the same voice, the same tone. It ended exactly how it began. Except now Keegan was nothing but a lump of bloody flesh, held to a post by nothing but arms belted together.

  Luna was beside him. Kaie didn’t know when that happened. Josephine held him still, but everyone else was at least two steps away. She smirked and he knew with that look that this was never about punishing Keegan.

  She patted him on the head. “Good boy. See you soon.”

  She walked away just as slowly as before, the brute at her heels once more.

  The crowd milled around, their purpose lost. He heard talk of taking the body down and figuring out something to do with it. The body. Like it was never a man. Kaie’s fists clenched. Stopping the brute wasn’t possible but he could punish those left behind for their acceptance, their eagerness. There was no family here. No people. Not even animals would draw pleasure from a murder like this.

  Josephine’s grip never loosened as she yanked him away from the crowd, toward the well.

  “Let me go!”

  She cuffed the side of his head. “Quit being stupid. One man died on account of that already today. How many more do you plan on getting killed before you do what Mistress told you, and quit drawing so much gods’ damned attention?”

  “At least one!” He spat.

  Josephine flashed all of her teeth in a predatory smile. “Lady Luna just declared her claim on you in front of the whole of East Field. That means every soul here is in danger of being used against you. How long, do you think, before these people start figuring that out? How many days before they get it in their heads to drive you out?”

  “Is that supposed to scare me?”

  “It would,” she answered lowly, “if there was half as much brain in that head as Mistress seems to think. No one will dare to touch you. Not after this display. So how, exactly, do you think they’ll chase you into Lady Luna’s waiting arms?”

  Kaie’s knees buckled. Peren. Amorette. Vaughan. Those were the tools they would use.

  Her message received, Josephine finally dropped her hold on him. “I’m putting East Field on lockdown tomorrow. No work. Go home, boy. Don’t do anything. Don’t talk to anyone. Keep your gods damned head down.”

  Twenty-Six

  Amorette waited in the shack. But then, he knew that. He saw her peering out at him. She was standing in front of the fireplace, arms extended for him. Kaie stopped the moment he was inside, staring at the offered embrace, wondering why all he felt about it was a bit sick. “Don’t.”

  She blinked and dropped her hands. “Don’t?”

  Kaie scowled as he dropped to the floor and pulled his blanket up around his shoulders as he lay down. He laid facing the wall, feeling no desire to watch her tears when they came. “If you’re paying attention to me you’re trying to get me to say yes. I hate myself enough already. You don’t need to make it worse.”

  A cool hand pressed against the back of his neck. This was a new trick. Usually it was her lips. He wanted it to go away just as much as he wanted it to stay there. So he did nothing. After a moment her other hand was there too. Then they were massaging his neck and the back of his head. It felt good.

  “I miss the hill.” Her voice caught him by surprise. “I miss everything, but I think about our hill the most.”

  Kaie closed his eyes. For a second, he could almost taste the sweet roll on his lips and smell fall in the stale air of the shack. “Me too,” he admitted.

  “I’m sorry.” She sighed and pressed her thumbs into the muscles connecting his neck to his shoulders.

  He grunted his appreciation. “Don’t apologize. Feels good.”

  “I mean about the way I’ve been. It was wrong, what I asked of you. I know that. I knew it then. I wanted to hurt you. Both of you. I’ve just felt so lost…”

  He turned around, catching her hands in his. He smiled because the only other thing to do was cry, and he still couldn’t seem to manage that. “You’re not the only one.”

  She kissed his hands, then his forehead. That was new, too. “You’re always there, aren’t you? No matter what I do, what I say, you’re always going to be waiting for me.”

  He chuckled. “I don’t have much else going on at the moment.”

  She slid down beside him, climbing between his arms and tugging the blanket until they shared it. Her back was pressed against his chest, and she didn’t seem to be making any attempt at his pants. Uncertainty held him in place. He hardly dared to breath. He wanted this to be her, his Amorette. “What are you doing?”

  “I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m not asking you for anything, Kaie. Not tonight. Tonight I just want to be that boy and girl on the hill.”

  He tightened his arm around her waist and pressed his forehead against the back of her neck, trying to imagine that the puff of strawberry hair was long and smelled the way it did back then. “Okay.”

  Kaie wasn’t sure when they started kissing or who initiated it. The progression was natural. It just happened. When her cool hands slid up his back, slipping his shirt up over his head, that seemed natural too. It wasn’t until all their clothing was off that he realized what was happening. He pulled away from her lips, though he couldn’t bring himself to let her go. “Ams…”

  “Shh,” she admonished with a smile. “This is about you and me. The boy and the girl on our hill. You understand?”

  Kaie hesitated. He did understand. But it wasn’t right. He needed to say so. Before the words made it past his lips, almost before he realized it was happening, Amorette shifted and he was inside her. Everything else stopped existing.

  Twenty-Seven

  When he woke the next morning, he stared down at the girl in his arms with a numb disgust. He was supposed to say no. It wasn’t his Amorette he held. Not his girl on the hill. She was never his, was never supposed to be.

  He wasn’t a good man. Kaie got that now. He wasn’t, even before he got Keegan killed. Ever since he let Sojun put that collar on for him. And now he slept with her, knowing that she would always belong to his heart’s brother, and that a child fathered on her would be stolen away. She deserved a husband who would give her beautiful things and beautiful babies. He could give them to her. He wanted to try. But it would all turn to ash, just the same as their life before. And he knew it. But he wasn’t going to tell her, because he wanted her to sleep with him again. That wasn’t how a good man would behave.

  And he didn’t care. That scared him a little. But not enough. That scared him, too.

  Kaie slipped his arm out from beneath her head. He considered the stream and the icy water there. But it was a long walk and for nothing. He was never going to feel clean again. So he wiped off the stink of sex with the tepid water they kept in the bucket and dressed in his spare set of clothing.

  Not that there was much need. No work meant nothing to do; lockdown meant no visitors. He could spend the day nude if he wanted. Fucking Amorette until neither of them could walk, maybe. But he did it anyway, even going so far as to pull back the hide door and look at the world outside.

  It was snowing.

  Just a light dusting now, but the thick clouds overhead promised something more ominous for the day. Kaie watched it for a while, ignoring the cold leeching into his fingers and toes until the sound of Ren and Silvy starting a fire drew him back inside.

  Amorette was awake. Their eyes met for a moment. Kaie waited for love, for desire, for something. She scowled and turned her back to him as she tugged her clo
thing on. She was back to punishing him. He tried to be surprised. He thought about saying something, trying to recapture the feeling of the night before. But he saw the lie of it now and it just felt like too much effort.

  He settled down in front of the fireplace. Behind him she made noises intended to get his attention. Kaie wasn’t ready for her. He wasn’t even ready for him. It was easier dealing with arranging wood and kindling and coaxing a fire to life.

  The knock on the wall brought him back to the world in a start.

  Vaughan stood in the doorway, flakes of snow clinging to the boy’s long eyelashes, looking every bit as miserable as he was.

  “What are you doing here?” Kaie asked. “I thought East Field was on lockdown?”

  The boy flashed the uncomfortable smile Kaie saw often. “It was. I mean, it is. I’m supposed to make sure your head is okay. Because it got hit?”

  “Yeah,” he agreed, knowing there was more to the visit than that. If anyone was really concerned about the state of his much-abused head the healer would be sent the same day. And Vaughan came to visit almost every week on rest days, but the boy would never be mistaken for a resident of the East Field. It was bound to get attention of his neighbors. Unless Kaie completely misunderstood Josephine’s warning, that was the last thing he was supposed to be doing. So something else was going on. “I think I’m okay, though.”

  “Have to be careful,” Vaughan admonished, leaning in to examine the cut above his eye. “Head injuries can be tricky. You should quit getting them. Obviously. I mean…” The boy shook his own head, visibly casting off some of the nervousness. “I saw Peren, before coming here.”

  Kaie couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t want her to know about what happened with Amorette, but she probably figured it out all on her own. She likely even figured out a way to tease him through her brother with some words that cut right through him and made him laugh all at once. “Did she call me a fairy again?”

  Vaughan’s smile took on a bit more truth. “She did. Right after she told me I’m allowed to say her name.” The boy leaned in close, making it obvious that his next words weren’t meant for Amorette. “She wanted me to make sure you remember what she said yesterday.”

  He sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck, resisting the urge to scratch at his head. “Yeah. Tell her I remember. Tell her I haven’t stopped thinking about it. That should make her feel better.”

  Despite their hushed tones, Amorette clearly heard the exchange. She made an exasperated noise in the back of her throat, and then stormed out of the shack. Kaie considered going after her. She wasn’t supposed to leave the shack. They were on lockdown. He was even a little concerned her light clothing would result in her getting sick. It didn’t really seem worth it, though. It would only mean facing her, probably fighting her, and he just didn’t care that much. So, after a minute he turned back to Vaughan.

  Who was staring at him.

  “What?”

  “Is she going to be okay out there?”

  “It doesn’t really matter what I think,” he answered honestly.

  “You don’t even seem to care.”

  He shrugged. “Today I don’t.”

  Vaughan stared for a little while longer, clearly wrestling with some comment or observation. The boy seemed to think better of sharing it. “Alright…well…Peren says that she is taking your avoidance as a yes and that if you don’t like that you have to tell her so yourself.”

  Kaie laughed real laughter, the kind that yanked him out of the numbness and made him a person again. The girl was damn odd and it never stopped being entertaining.

  When he caught his breath, he actually felt kind of good. “So are you going to tell me what you’re really doing here?”

  “Spying,” Vaughan answered lowly. “I’m the only one who can come and go, and who’s got a valid excuse to be here. If anyone shows up in your house, I’m to run and get Boss Josephine. You’re terribly hurt, by the way. I’m going to need to see to your care for at least a week.”

  “Oh.” Well that made sense. And it meant at least a week of being cooped up in the shack. If he was supposed to be that injured, he wouldn’t be allowed to go to the stables or to have lunch with Peren. “I guess this means plenty of time for our lessons on the Empire.”

  Vaughan nodded. It was a routine they started in the boy’s earliest visits. Lady Autumnsong’s son taught the boy to read and often lent books as gifts, which made Vaughan easily the most educated slave on the estate. Perhaps in all of Lindel. Thoughts of escape were becoming less pressing with each day but Kaie knew that understanding the world he was snared in would be necessary if he ever wanted to try. The boy just seemed to enjoy speaking to someone. He was a decent teacher.

  “So, since that point, Uraz has been a matriarchal society. It actually went really well for a long time. Decades or centuries. I don’t really get access to the histories, so I’m limited to what I’ve been told. But at some point, probably due to a drought or blight of some sort, their resources became too strained to support the population. So the Empress turned her eyes to her neighbors. No one seems to know what the name of that first country was but everyone says their military was without equal.

  “People say it took a full fifty years and half the populace of both countries before Uraz turned the war in their favor. I don’t have any idea what they did, but they did in a day what they hadn’t managed in all the rest of the 50.

  “That acquisition eased the strain on the resources. For a while. But Uraz had a taste for conquest. So I can’t imagine it was long before they went at it again. And now, some 400 years later, they control the whole of Asperan, Ysil and Bordoc. All that’s left of Lindel is a few isolated cities and a handful of tribes. Then I expect the Empress will go after Jorander. It won’t be long before the Urazin Empire stretches from one horizon to the other. Then maybe it will turn on itself and fall to pieces. Just like the Empire of Ancients.”

  Kaie paid attention with half his mind, but the rest was weighing the choice before him. He considered his next words carefully, still not sure he really wanted to say them. “Peren told me you’ve seen Sojun. The one who took my place.”

  Vaughan’s eyes dropped like rocks thrown into a pond. They locked on a spot in the fire and refused to budge. “Of course you know.” He sighed. “She wasn’t supposed to tell you.”

  “Why not?” He should probably be angry about it, but in truth Kaie was just curious. He still wasn’t sure what he wanted to feel about Sojun being alive. The numbness he felt about almost everything was firmly in place and he didn’t really see a need to dislodge it. Not yet. Peren’s words snuck in sometimes, when he allowed himself to think about what that numbness meant, but he wasn’t going to do that now.

  “He’s not your friend anymore. Not really.” Vaughan answered slowly. “He’s her creature now.”

  Kaie considered this information carefully. “I want to see him.”

  The other boy shook his head. “No. You don’t. I know, whatever you want from him, you think it’s important. But he can’t give it to you.”

  “Who says I want anything?”

  Vaughan flashed one of his quick smiles. “Of course you do. You want to set things right. That’s who you are.”

  He shook his head. “There’s no setting things right. Not between us. Not anymore.”

  Vaughan chewed his lower lip. “You’re right. But you don’t really believe that, do you?”

  Kaie thought about it. Did he? “I don’t know. Maybe. I just want to see him. I’ll figure the rest out.”

  The other boy fidgeted, rolling a stone between his fingers the same way Kaie always did. He wasn’t sure if he was flattered by the imitation or irritated. He didn’t get the chance to decide, because before Vaughan said anything more Amorette returned.

  Twenty-Eight

  Her cheeks were ruddy from the cold. He could see gooseflesh up and down her arms that she wrapped around herself for warmth. Her strawberr
y hair, only starting to get a bit of length to it, floated around her head like a halo of light. Her eyes flashed vibrantly. His heart climbed up into his throat at the sight of her. Not the empty thing he held in his arms that morning, but the girl he loved returned from the dead. Just like the night before.

  “Do you love me?” she asked.

  Kaie almost laughed. It seemed everyone wanted to know how he felt about Amorette all of a sudden.

  Vaughan cleared his throat, the very image of awkwardness, and climbed to his feet. “I’ll go.”

  “No,” Amorette snapped, turning her intensity on the unsuspecting boy. “I want you here. Sit down.”

  Vaughan did as he was told. He always did. Amorette turned back to Kaie, waiting his answer as though they were never interrupted.

  He answered. Honestly. “Sometimes.”

  She didn’t react. She probably knew that answer already. She knew him so well. “And the others? Do you hate me those times, Kaie?”

  He shook his head. “No. Only myself.”

  Amorette ran her hands up and down her arms, trying to get warmth back into her flesh. He wanted to help her. To pull her into his arms and hold her there until she was comfortable. Until she was soft and happy. But he didn’t.

  “But you don’t care about me, in those times, do you?”

  “No,” he admitted. “Not really.” Maybe he should leave it at that. He got the feeling it would be kinder. Now that he saw his Amorette back in her eyes he was almost overwhelmed by the love of her. Now was one of those times and he needed her to understand. “I can’t. You only talk to me when you want me to sleep with you. Otherwise it’s just grunts and sighs. Last night was the first time you’ve really looked at me since we’ve been here. I know what all that means, and it’s not that you love me. I don’t blame you. But every time you cry I hate myself more. This morning, knowing what I did, I hated myself more. There’s no room in me for much else when I’m feeling that.”

  “You’re going to hate me too eventually, aren’t you?”