[Half/Time 02] Twice Upon a Time

by James Riley

  Five minutes later Jack, Phillip, and May stood alone, the adults having run off in terror.

  “Perhaps we should return to finding our way out by rescuing their king?” Philip said, pointing at the beach just ahead.

  Off in the bay the sun shone on a large wooden ship flying a black flag with a happy, smiling skull. From onboard a group of friendly pirates waved at them, gesturing for them to come over.

  “Have I mentioned how messed up all this is?” May asked.

  “A few times,” Jack said. “Those aren’t even close to pirates.”

  “It is just like the rest of this land,” Phillip said, staring in confusion at the kid-friendly pirate ship. “It is life from a child’s perspective.”

  “I don’t care whose perspective they’re from,” May told him. “I just want a way out to the boat so King Whatever can let us back to the real world. Or, you know, the messed-up version we were just in.”

  “There’s no boat or anything,” Jack said, pointing at the shore. “And we obviously can’t swim.”

  “Why not?” May asked.

  Phillip and Jack both turned and stared in surprise. “Mermen?!” they said in unison.

  “Didn’t we cover this already?” May asked with a sigh. “Yes, we saw some creepy stuff in the river near Malevolent’s castle, but that was it. And why would you think there are mermen here, anyway?”

  “I don’t think there are mermen here,” Jack said, his voice cracking. He pointed down at the shore. “I think there are mermaids.”

  There, just off the beach, were three mermaids sunning themselves on rocks, the prettiest vicious killers Jack had ever seen.

  CHAPTER 9

  Do you think they saw us?” Jack asked, pulling the other two to the ground to hide.

  Phillip stuck his head up, then poked it back down. “Yes,” he said. “In fact, they are waving as energetically as the pirates.”

  “Kind of a Bring on our dinner wave?” Jack asked.

  “More of a Hello, friends–type wave,” Phillip said. “But we should not trust them for even a second. The stories former fisher-men tell—”

  “You guys are idiots,” May said. “They’re just people with fish tails! That’s it. Now, let’s go say hi with more talking and less waving. Maybe they know where we can find a boat.”

  “May, no!” Jack whispered, grabbing her, but the princess yanked her arm out of his grasp and walked purposefully down toward the mermaids.

  “Hello!” she yelled, waving back awkwardly.

  “Hello, child of man!” the mermaids replied together, practically singing. Even their voices were pretty.

  “Those are some pretty spectacular tails you’ve got there,” May said, admiring them. “So shiny. You’re all so beautiful!”

  The mermaids looked between one another with a How adorable look, then turned back to May, shaking their heads in disbelief.

  “You are too kind!” the blond one said.

  “Really, much too sweet!” the redhead said.

  “You are quite beautiful yourself, young lady!” the brunette said.

  “We’re trying to get ourselves out to the pirate ship there,” May told them. “Any chance you know where there’s a boat or something?”

  “A boat?” the redhead said.

  “No, there are no boats, not on shore. The pirates have one, of course. Would that help?” the brunette asked.

  “Um, no,” May said. She threw a wide-eyed look of crazy back at Jack and Phillip that showed her polite manners were quickly cracking. “No, we need to get out there, so we’d need a boat or something on this side.”

  “That’s quite a problem!” the blonde said.

  “And the pirate’s boat really won’t work?” the brunette asked.

  “Yeah, this was a bad idea,” May said, turning back to Jack and Phillip.

  Jack quickly yanked her back up the beach, as if the additional two feet would make her safer. Not that these mermaids seemed particularly bloodthirsty, but still. This land really was far too perfect.

  “Miss Human Girl?” the redhead said.

  May sighed and turned back. “Yes, Miss Mermaid Woman?”

  The redhead giggled. “You’re so funny! I was just going to say, what about swimming out to the boat?”

  The other two mermaids looked at the redhead like she was some kind of genius. Jack narrowed his eyes, wondering how they managed to feed themselves if they were this stupid. Or was it some sort of act, lulling humans into the water, then attacking?

  “We could try that,” May said. “But it’s awfully far, and these two haven’t ever swam before.”

  “Also, humans can’t breathe as easily underwater as we can above,” the redhead informed the other two, who seemed surprised by the news. The redhead sat back, proud of her own knowledge.

  “Well, we could help them with that,” the blonde said.

  “Yes, with our tears!” the brunette said.

  “But we’d have to cry, then!” the redhead said.

  “For the sake of our human friends, we really should,” the blonde said. “Now, ladies, let us think of something sad.”

  “Whaaaaaat is going on?” May whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

  “I’m sort of comforted by the fact that I can’t figure it out,” Jack responded.

  The mermaids went silent for a moment, their foreheads all creased with their effort to apparently be sad. But the moment quickly passed, and soon the three burst out in giggles. “I simply can’t think of anything upsetting!” the brunette said.

  “If I knew why they were doing this, I could totally give them something to be upset about,” May whispered.

  “Don’t interrupt,” Jack told her. “Their whole thought process seems fragile enough. Let’s see where it’s going.”

  “Oh, this is so sad that we can’t think of anything sad!” the brunette said, then paused. Finally she gasped. “Oh! That is sad!”

  And just like that, a single tear rolled down her cheek. She gently put a finger up to catch it, then dropped it into her palm. Each of the other two sniffed a bit, apparently at how sad it was that they couldn’t cry, and both cried a single tear as well, while the brunette cried a second, apparently not able to stop.

  May turned to Jack, her mouth hanging open. “I… I just… I just hate this place,” she said, sounding surprised at her own feelings.

  “You’ve mentioned that.”

  As soon as each had her tear, the mermaids’ smiles instantly returned. “Now, humans, you will be able to breathe as easily as we do underwater!” the brunette said. “That way, if you can’t swim, you can just walk over to the boat!”

  “Um, how would your tears let us breathe underwater?” May asked.

  The mermaids looked at one another in confusion. “That is their power,” the blonde said. “Why would you ask such a thing? It’s like asking why the sun giant drops his fireball into the ocean at the end of every day. It’s magic!”

  May dropped her face into her palms, apparently trying to cover her eyes from all the stupidity. “No, actually, it’s science. But this is so not the time. I’m willing to try anything. How long will they last?”

  “One day, no more,” the brunette mermaid said mysteriously.

  “Oh yeah? Why’s that?” May asked.

  The mermaids again looked uncomfortable. “Magic?” they finally said, almost questioningly.

  Phillip stepped in front of May. “Do we really trust these mermaids?” he asked her and Jack quietly. “They seem far too eager to help.”

  “It’s the Land of Never,” Jack said, unsure himself. “They seem to be kid-friendly mermaids, so… maybe?”

  “I like your confidence,” May told Jack, walking over to one of the mermaids and gently picking up a somehow semi-solid tear. “So, what do we do with these? Put them in our eyes or something?”

  The mermaids all looked at one another and laughed. “Of course not, silly!” the brunette said. “You swallow them!�
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  “’Cause that makes more sense,” May said.

  Phillip reached out and closed his hand over May’s. “If you insist upon going through with this, Princess, I shall take the first one, just to see if it’s safe.”

  “Yeah,” Jack said. “Let Phillip go first. If he dies, then we’ll figure something else out.”

  Phillip shook his head in disappointment at Jack, then took the tear from May’s hand and quickly swallowed it. “Hmm. Salty,” the prince said, making a face. “But how do I know if it worked?”

  Jack pointed at the water with a smile. “Only one way to find out!”

  Phillip just looked at him. “You are enjoying this a bit too much, I think.”

  “I think so too,” Jack said. “Quit wasting time, though. Get to drowning already.”

  With that, Phillip slowly approached the water, watching the mermaids warily. When they didn’t move, only smiled encouragingly, he lay down on the sand, leaned into the water, and dunked his head.

  A minute passed.

  “Do you think we should check on him?” Jack whispered to May, but just then Phillip jerked his head out of the water. Half-expecting the prince to suck in an enormous breath, Jack was a bit surprised to see him breathing normally.

  “Quite right,” Phillip said. “Astonishingly, I had no trouble filling my lungs beneath the water, at least not once I had the courage to take a breath. That took the most time, making myself breathe in.”

  “That’s crazy!” May said. “And you didn’t even cough up water!”

  “I am not sure I breathed any in,” Phillip said. “I do not pretend to understand the magic, but the water felt just like air to my mouth.”

  “My turn,” May said, taking a second tear from one of the other mermaids and swallowing it. She immediately gagged, but jogged over to the water as well, lay down, and dunked her head in. A moment later she kicked her feet and yelled something, but whatever it was didn’t make it out of the water intact.

  “She’s so easily impressed,” Jack told the clapping mermaids, then reached over for the last remaining tear…. Wait, hadn’t there been four? He must have miscounted. He took the tear, then swallowed it. The other two were right. The tears were almost unbearably salty. In fact, Jack almost heaved it back up, but managed to keep it down somehow. Just to test the magic, Jack knelt down next to May and dunked his head under the water too.

  It did feel like water. His head still rose and fell from the little waves May was making, and he was definitely wet. But when Jack opened his mouth to breathe in, it felt no different to him than air.

  “We’re breathing underwater!” May said to him, and this time he heard her clearly. “This is so cool.”

  “Wow, I had no idea drowning you was all it took to get you back in a good mood!” Jack said, grinning at her.

  “Yeah, ’cause why worry about the fact that we’re stuck here if we can dunk our heads in water as long as we want?”

  Jack laughed. “I only wish I could get stuck here a few more times just to enjoy it longer!”

  “I think you might want to look up the meaning of the word ‘stuck,’” May said, splashing him—or really just pushing water at him. Splashing didn’t exactly work underwater.

  “Hello, humans!” the redhead mermaid said beneath the waves from far too close a distance. “Are you having fun?”

  “More than we should be,” May told her as Jack unconsciously backed away from the mermaid’s large fangs. He’d seen them earlier, but somehow being this close magnified them in his mind by about a thousand.

  “I’m so glad!” the mermaid said. “And now, prepare to have even more! Your fellow children have just returned, ready to go to battle. It promises to be a grand adventure!”

  Jack and May looked at each other, then slowly lifted their heads to find Phillip surrounded by giggling middle-aged adults covered in war paint and mismatched pieces of armor, pointing swords at the prince.

  “I declare you older kids to all be pirate spies!” the man who’d opened the door for them shouted. “And what do we do with pirate spies?”

  “Put them to death!” yelled the adults happily.

  “Death by what?” the man yelled.

  “Walking the plank!” the rest screamed.

  “Take them to the pirate ship! They die as soon as King Pan is freed!”

  The children began laughing and dancing all around them happily, until one of the larger men stomped over to May.

  “Will you be our mother?” the man asked in a quiet, almost shy voice.

  “And there we go,” May said.

  CHAPTER 10

  Well, at least we know we won’t drown if we walk the plank,” Jack said over his shoulder to Phillip and May as the adults, all wearing Icky’s wings, carried them—belongings and all—over the water toward the happiest-looking pirates Jack had ever seen. Not that he’d ever seen any, but by the definition of pirates being, you know, pillaging and plundering types, big friendly smiles didn’t seem to fit.

  “We’ll have to sneak in!” shouted the man holding Jack. “Let’s just hope the prisoners don’t alert the pirates to our approach!”

  “Yeah, we wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise,” Jack said as a pirate winked jauntily at him.

  “I can see King Pan tied to the mainmast!” the adult holding May shouted.

  “My warriors!” called a loud and clear voice from the pirate ship. “Free me that I might face this scourge of pirates with you!”

  “Aye, aye, King Pan!” the adults all yelled, then turned and flew straight at the pirate ship.

  “What happened to surprise!” Jack shouted in terror as they dove at a speed virtually guaranteeing death.

  Fortunately, whatever magic held the wings aloft gave them some incredible stopping power, letting the adults all pull up at the last second and land gently on the pirate ship deck.

  “Oh ho!” shouted a man in a long red coat, black curls spilling forth from beneath a red hat. “What have we here? More of King Pan’s warriors?!” He pointed at the adults with a long sword, only there was no hand holding the sword, just a long, curved hook somehow connected to the sword’s hilt.

  “It’s Captain Sword!” the adults shouted.

  “You can’t handle Captain Sword yourselves, my friends!” King Pan yelled. “Free me, and I shall duel him to the death!”

  And then Jack got his first look at King Pan. Of all the inhabitants of the Land of Never, this was the first actual child he’d seen. The boy looked far too happy, with a smile that spread just about from ear to ear, revealing more teeth than anyone had a right to. He was dressed in different shades of green and had random feathers stuck in his hair, whether on purpose or from having just ended up there over the course of an adventurous day, Jack had no idea.

  “Attack, my pirates!” Captain Sword yelled, and his friendly group of buccaneers launched a rather clumsy, pathetic attack at Pan’s now apparently skilled adults, each of whom seemed to have no difficulty fighting off their pirate attacker. Pirate after pirate lost their duel, usually in some humiliating way, with Pan’s adults smacking the pirates in the behinds with their swords, tying their shoes together, or even flying around the pirates in circles until the pirates grew too dizzy to stand up straight. All the while, King Pan narrated the battle as if he were watching it from a distance, not happily stuck in the middle.

  “Pobsy, duck, you almost lost your head! Oh, Charlotte, I’ve never seen a pirate vanquished so quickly! You were just promoted to Field Captain General Lieutenant Princess! Gregory, behind you, BEHIND YOU!”

  Contrary to the gripping commentary, Gregory was not, in fact, in any trouble, and while he handled his pirate, Charlotte and a few others made their way over to Pan to untie him.

  Jack secretly hoped that freeing the obnoxious little kid would finally shut him up, but it seemed to make it worse. Grabbing a sword from one of his adults, Pan launched himself at Captain Sword, almost taking flight without wings, he moved
so fast.

  Captain Sword rather pathetically attempted a defense, but Pan just slapped the pirate’s sword away, toying with him, teasing him with his sword until finally, almost mercifully, knocking him to the ship’s floor.

  “Tie our pirate prisoners up!” King Pan declared. “They’ll walk the plank unless they lead us to their gold!”

  “The mountains of gold back on shore just not cutting it anymore?” Jack asked.

  Pan slowly turned to stare at the three of them, his look changing from surprise to something… scarier. “Well, look what we have here,” Pan said, his voice dropping lower. “Visitors. Who might these old folks be?”

  “Old?!” May said.

  “Pirate spies, Your Majesty!” one of Pan’s adults said.

  “Then, they must know who I am!” King Pan said, smiling his creepy wide smile. “King Pan, the Slayer of the Deadly Sun Dial Crocodile! King Pan, the Premier and First Explorer of Skull Face! King Pan, the Only Boy to Ever Face the Fearsome Pirates of the Land of Never Bay and Live to Tell About It!”

  “Must be a pain signing your name, huh?” May said.

  The boy pulled a knife out of nowhere and tossed it between his hands. “You may just call me… King Pan!” He turned to the adults around him. “Well?”

  Ragged cheers for King Pan sounded from the adults, and the boy nodded in satisfaction before turning back to Jack. “And you, my pirate spies, my Invaders of the Land of Never-Invade-My-Lands, if you do not bow before me this very instant, you shall suffer my displeasure. BY DYING!” Pan sneered. “And THEN I’ll think of something TRULY horrible to do to you!”

  Jack sighed. “Listen, I’d love to play out this whole little fantasy thing you’ve got going, ’cause it’s adorable and all, but we really don’t have time for this. Can you just show us how to get out of the Land of Never, and we’ll leave you to your playtime?”

  Gasps came from the adults. “You do not speak like that to Pan!” one shouted.

  “King Pan,” the boy said beneath his breath, his eyes locked on Jack’s. “But you’re right. No one speaks to me this way.” The knife turned to point at Jack’s heart. “I do believe you have just challenged me to a duel!”