by Susan Reid
So anyway, I go by Star but my full name is Starling. I’m sure it was cute to my mother when I was two, but as I got older, I found Star more mature sounding and when I started junior high that’s what I preferred to go by. My mother and Grandmother, both of native Jamaican and Spanish descent, were the only ones who had ever been allowed to continue to call me Starling.
My father was white…well, more specifically of French and Canadian roots, and he had been a Master Sergeant in the Army. He had been on vacation in the Caribbean Islands when he met my mother in Jamaica and within ten months, they got married…coincidentally, a month after I was born. That makes me what some would consider, mulatto or Creole. I do get mistaken for either Spanish or Caucasian at times, especially in the winter when I can get pretty pale, and because of my hair texture, but I pretty much maintain my light beige skin color all year long.
Well, my personal reverie over the past along with the endless droning of Professor Phillips monotone, flat voice wasn’t helping me at all now and certainly didn’t kill any time. I sighed glancing at the time again on my phone. Only eight minutes had passed since my initial yawn.
How could I be crashing after only an hour since my caffeine binge already?
I felt my lids begin to droop yet again, and my head commenced to falling forward; making me jerk involuntarily. That woke me up and now I was feeling somewhat like an idiot and embarrassed knowing that someone— especially my best friend Joel sitting beside me had just seen that.
If I had known philosophy was this damned…philosophical, I would have chosen to take it after lunch instead of eight a.m. in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good debate and discussion on plausible theories and issues but today was not one of those days.
Why had I taken Philosophy anyway? Oh that’s right. I thought it would be an easy A for one even though it held no benefit for me career wise to which, I still had no idea what I wanted to do let alone what degree path I wanted to pursue either.
I already changed it twice.
Professor Phillips’ rigidly, sharp voice startled me, “Miss Roberts, would you care to read the notes that we took yesterday on Lombroso’s theories and beliefs?”
My eyes widened fully with false attention, and I stiffened like a child who had been caught picking their nose as I sat up, confused for a moment. I attempted to stall by shifting through the incomplete notes that I had scattered in front of me— of no relation to the context of the discussion apparently, and cleared my throat.
“Um,” I began.
The immediate shuffle of papers whispered all around me, and heads turned in my direction followed by sighs of annoyance from behind. Out of a group of sixty people, and he’s able to single me out? Was I day snoring too? You know, that moment where you haven’t quite fallen asleep but all the sounds around you fade out and the only one that finally shocks you back to focus just as you fall asleep is the sound of your own snoring?
I knew he was doing this on purpose. I’m an adult, if I wanted to sleep, it was my own decision and fault if I missed anything wasn’t it? This isn’t high school! My mind wanted to scream at him.
Professor Phillips was a broad man with an extensive, yet doughy torso, small paunch and sticks for legs. He looked to be in his late fifties, and always looked so damned serious, miserable and annoyed all the time. I find it sad for anyone to walk through life like that, and it made me wonder if he ever laughed, told a joke or just did something corny for the hell of it. Making practical jokes by virtue of picking on me of all people right now— didn’t count.
Maybe that was why that large shadow over his head was swirling above him, dipping in and out of the corners, sliding down the walls like ooze and lingering just above his head. It had distracted me, and I watched it with intensity as it formed faces in the roiling smut of itself, leering at me as if giving me a raspberry and then baring its sharp teeth would either scare me or hurt my feelings.
The shadows were nothing more than extremely ugly, juvenile, immature, conniving, evil and malicious entities that fed off of anger, fear, pain, hate and sorrow. The fact that they were here, made it known that in this very room, at this particular moment, there was much of that going on right now, and it was sucking it all up. My guess, as it hovered above Professor Phillips, was that he was the one inviting it in the first place, and I wondered what his issues were.
He eyed me patiently, loving every moment of the fool he was making of me with that dead serious look on his miserable little face. Crap, where were my notes? I hadn’t written anything down.
Damn. Maybe I could try and BS my answer by memory, and pretend to read something from one of the papers I had.
I felt a light tap on my left thigh, along with the crinkling of paper. I glanced over, using just my eyes and saw Joel, inconspicuously holding a sheet of paper with something he had written quickly just now. He remained cool and casual, leaning on his right hand, keeping his expression blank.
I read the dark pen he scrawled in big letters in the middle of the page: ‘He’s setting you up… comment on being programmed to conform to society,’ it read. I glanced at Joel with a quirked brow. It was hard to see his eyes past his thin framed silver glasses, but I didn’t need to.
“I’m waiting Miss Roberts.” Professor Phillips spoke again.
His voice echoed throughout the auditorium, as if making sure to get every single person's attention if he hadn’t already, and then he began pacing next to his podium with hands in his pockets; his eyes never leaving me.
I heard more sighs of impatience and whispers. Another moment passed as I put together my thoughts, “Um, society’s basis for what’s normal has always been based on beliefs that come from religion and spirituality, like right and wrong,” I began and trailed off amid the groans and suction of teeth.
I was used to this sort of thing never having really been the popular type let alone a genius and not quite an honor roll student. My only claim to fame was having been captain of the girls’ gymnastics team throughout junior high and high school.
I ignored the annoying, underhanded ridicule, and I could see Joel sit up now, about to come to my rescue and aid by making an initial comment, when Professor Phillips cut in, “Ah, so you are paying attention. Alright then, and what if there were no religion to gauge right and wrong? What if society had no basis to judge it, other than the simple behavior and mental capacity of man alone based on scientific studies? Should those behavioral theories and conclusions be disregarded, even if they have merit? Is that what you mean?” He said meaning to sound sarcastic, snarky and humorless…and he succeeded in getting the response he was aiming for— at my expense too.
It angered me that he was mocking and twisting what I was trying to say, “No, I meant that people tend to do things because everyone expects them to, whether it's right or wrong, because they want acceptance.” I licked my lips, sat up straighter and continued on, “It’s human nature, but it doesn’t always mean their actions had been the right or moral thing to do, because without religion, God or the Devil…what is true and wrong or good and evil based on, and who or what else could possibly define it?” I came back with a raised brow to challenge his snarky ridicule of me, and I think I succeeded based on the look on his face.
Well, it was either that or the fact that the dark shadow looming over his head a few moments ago, had slowly entered him through the side of his neck and at that moment. I held my breath and watched as his whole demeanor, composure and focus on me instantly— changed.
He pursed his mouth into a tight frown, and he was glaring at me now.
He even chuckled a bit impatiently it seemed, “Quite profound but since this isn’t World Religions, none of it applies to the current discussion Miss Roberts. As a matter of fact, I’d like for you to see me in my office after class if you please.” He said in different tone that hinted to a bit of anger.
My pulse raced.
More snickers and whispers.
“W
hy?” I asked with furrowed brows.
He gave me a matter-of-fact expression that hinted sarcasm, “I’d like to finish this conversation for more of your viewpoints. I find them quite fascinating, and I’d like to go over your last paper with you too.” He simply said and then continued on with the lecture.
Joel gave me a sympathetic look and then leaned over to whisper to me with a grin.
“That was a good one. He’s a staunch ass hole. Your answer and your paper were perfect so don’t sweat it You want me to wait and go with you?” He asked.
What about my last paper? I thought I had done an immaculate job or was I just assuming his request to go over my paper entailed something bad?
Then again, seeing his demeanor and knowing the dark shadow never made an exit, I was wary.
I smiled at Joel, “Thanks, but unfortunately, he’s in command of my grade. I can handle Phillips.” I whispered back with a smile.
Throughout the rest of class, I could see Joel glance at me out of his periphery. The glint of his glasses whenever he shifted or moved his head was a dead giveaway, but I remained facing forward as if I were focused on Professor Phillips’ lecture. I was hearing nothing, while still trying desperately to fight the urge to push together and lie across both my and Joel’s desk and just sleep.
When class was over, and everyone began to gather their things; conversations picked up in volume both Joel, and I followed suit in relief, but I could see him pause in gathering his notes to look at me for a moment before his brow wrinkled with concern.
“Have you been feeling okay?” He then asked sincerely.
Oh great, I guess my transformation into Uncle Fester’s love child as China had said this morning was more evident than I thought. I don’t do make up that often unless I went out and things like that, but I guess I should have this morning just to cover them up.
I smiled and tried to appear bright and cheery as possible.
“Yeah, just pulling all-nighters lately, I’ve got a few tests coming up.” I partially lied.
“Are you sure?” he asked again trying to read past my fake smile.
I must really look like crap, and now I was beginning to feel self-conscious, but I know he was just being a good friend, and I appreciated it.
“Uh-huh.” I simply nodded to assure him.
“Ok. Well, hey, don’t burn yourself out though, and I mean that. I think we could both use some r and r, how is breakfast to start?” He said, but I could tell he didn’t entirely buy my explanation.
My stomach growled at the mention of food. I breathed a sigh of relief, “Magic words. Breakfast sounds so good, and I am starving so I’ll try not to keep you waiting.” I replied with a smile.
“Sweet, text the code word and I’ll come save you, seriously.” He smiled.
“I may just do that.” I replied.
~~~***~~~
I took my time on purpose and noticed that Professor Phillips had wasted no time in gathering his briefcase and laptop before casting one last fixed glare at me and then exiting through the side entrance of the auditorium. I blew out a short sigh and licked my lips. Something told me not to bother meeting with him, other than the obvious for me, since seeing the dark shadow slither into him. He didn’t appear positive, so I doubted the discussion over Religion or my paper would be an enjoyable one.
“I caught that glare. What the hell is his problem? It’s like he just sat on a cushion of thorns and blames you for putting it there,” Joel kidded.
I shook my head and readjusted my pony tail holder and pony tail. “Looks that way I suppose. I don’t know, I guess he just woke up with his BVDs wedged up his ass this morning, and I hit a raw nerve.” I could relate right about now.
“Please, he’s an egomaniac when it comes to Philosophy and apparently only his interpretations count. I think what you said made every bit of sense, and it’s true; you know I believe in all that too. I was about to jump in there for you, but you beat me to it. People are puppets of their own free wills but are driven by their own desires and need for acceptance no matter the consequences. I agree with you a hundred percent.” Joel added.
I stood up and slung my backpack over my shoulder when I finished putting up my books and notes. I smiled and shrugged, “Yeah, but maybe he’s an Atheist or something, to each his own. I appreciate the well-meaning save, but I never let people intimidate me on the subject of good and evil. Maybe I’ll just use your statement and give you the proper citation on my next paper in World Religions then if you don’t mind?” I shook my head and joked, and we both snickered.
~~~***~~~
For Professor Phillips’ information, I wasn’t even taking World Religions or any religious courses for that matter, what a jerk.
“You have my permission. Well, since it is my treat, I’ll let you pick… just, please don’t say the café. I’d like real scrambled eggs for a change.” Joel said as he hoisted his backpack over his shoulder.
I opened my mouth to say something and ended up yawning instead as I shrugged my shoulders,
“You know me I’m not picky. It doesn’t matter to me, so long as they have a good, strong cappuccino.” I told him as we both began to walk, heading out of the auditorium.
“Works for me, I have a great place in mind then.” He offered next.
We milled in a slow but orderly succession out of the small shared auditorium that served as our Philosophy classroom, and ended up in a bottle-necked jam at the double wooden exit doors. I audibly groaned with irritation while Joel patiently worked to guide us out with the least amount of body contact possible, with a hand on the small of my back to guide me.
I normally wouldn’t have gotten irked about something so meaningless that easily because I certainly wasn’t in any hurry, but I guess China was right…being tired was indeed making me bitchy. Once free of the slow-moving crowd, both Joel and I took our time walking the busy, wide corridor on purpose, looking at all the colorful advertisements and signs tacked up along the various cork message boards. I pulled out my cell phone to check my messages and texts seeing that I had one from China: ‘Steve’s coming over, making lunch. Can u pick up milk? I need it 4 tuna casserole.’ The message read. I grimaced. Tuna casserole? Steve was coming over?
I hated being the third wheel: ‘Sure. Be home by 2 at latest’ I texted back.
"Hey, how about lunch instead?” I turned to Joel and said.
“Lunch? Oh ok, uh…twelve?” Joel then suggested.
“Eleven. I think I may play hooky and sneak out of Lit Interp early if I go at all. Quite frankly, I can’t do another lecture.” I said glancing at the time on my phone. It was just now twenty past nine.
“Don’t skip too much, I don’t want you to struggle and get really far behind. I don’t know anyone taking that class that I could make copies of notes from for you.” Joel joked, and I laughed.
I shrugged nonchalantly, “I don’t even really care anymore.” I replied.
Joel smiled with an understanding nod, “Come on, don’t say that. I feel you though, you just need a break, and rest is all; we could all use some for real. Well, I’ll meet you in the south commons atrium at eleven then. I had better book if I’m gonna make it on time, I gotta stop by the library first.” Joel said giving my forearm a squeeze as he winked and began walking backwards away from me.
“Yeah, sounds good.” I said.
I watched him as he turned towards the left to cut across the main courtyard with hands in his front Jean pockets.
My phone vibrated in my hand. China texted me back: ‘2? Well, I’ll just have Steve pick some up then; u like Caesar's salad right?’
I returned the text: ‘Yeah but I’ll pick something up while out so don’t make any 4 me.’
With that I put my phone into its holster on my purse and made the dreaded trek to Professor Phillips office, making sure to take my time as my thoughts wandered over what exactly it was that he really wanted with me.
I passed several groups of
sororities who had set up booths and were putting up all sorts of flyers around the commons atrium or what was known as the ‘Quad’ since it was the hub of the main building. All throughout the courtyard, more announcement boards were littered with advertisements for rush week, community events and contests surrounding Halloween coming up and what looked like some sort of rock concert venue or something, all to which; I really didn’t pay much attention to.
It was also football season and nearing homecoming, which meant a hell of a lot of fraternity and sorority parties. More so, it was the blatant guilt trips of ‘not supporting your school’ attempts to recruit students to help with specific committees, that were all being draped everywhere you turned. One person, in command many of those events, and of which, I couldn’t stand while immediately making a wide berth of a beeline in order to avoid—was Logan Brooks.
I don’t know how Logan’s eyes and plastic smile managed to find mine every single time no matter what the circumstance, and they were always followed by her entourage of fake sorority sisters and buddies. I refused to continue eye contact with her and just kept moving. Unfortunately, I’d see her later…we lived in the same apartment hall.
It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy college and campus life to an extent, but I wasn’t into that kind of stuff, and I really wasn’t into rock and roll, and the whole rave and frat party scene like China was. I swear, sometimes I wonder how it was that we even became friends in the first place since we initially couldn’t stand one another when we had first met as assigned roommates back in our freshman year. Nevertheless, we grew on each other and strange enough all of our quirky differences actually bonded us into BFF status.
