Men at Arms

by Terry Pratchett

Page 8

 

  Bang?

  Sright. Then our friend nips into the hole for a few seconds, right, comes out again, trots around the courtyard and next minute theres Assassins everywhere and hes among em. What the hell. Another man in black. No-one notices, see?

  You mean hes still in there?

  How do I know? Hoods and cloaks, everyone in black How come you were able to fee this?

  Oh, I always nip into the Assassins Guild on a Wednesday night. Mixed grill night, see? Gaspode sighed at Anguas blank expression. The cook always does a mixed grill of a Wednesday night. No-one ever eats the black pudding. So its round the kitchens, see, woof woof, beg beg, whos a good boy then, look at the little bugger, he looks as though he understands every word Im sayin, lets see what weve got here for a good doggy . . .

  He looked embarrassed for a moment.

  Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage, he said.

  Fireworks? said Vimes.

  Dr Cruces looked like a man grasping a floating log in a choppy sea.

  Yes. Fireworks. Yes. For Founders Day. Unfortunately someone threw away a lighted match which ignited the box. Dr Cruces suddenly smiled. My dear Captain Vimes, he said, clapping his hands, much as I appreciate your concern, I really—

  They were stored in that room over there? said Vimes.

  Yes, but thats of no account—

  Vimes crossed to the hole in the wall and peered inside. A couple of Assassins glanced at Dr Cruces and reached nonchalantly towards various areas of their clothing. He shook his head. His caution might have had something to do with the way Carrot put his hand on the hilt of his sword, but it could also have been because Assassins did have a certain code, after all. It was dishonourable to kill someone if you werent being paid.

  It seems to be some kind of . . . museum, said Vimes. Guild memorabilia, that sort of thing?

  Yes, exactly. Odd and ends. You know how they mount up over the years.

  Oh. Well, that all seems in order, said Vimes. Sorry to have troubled you, doctor. I will be going. I hope I have not inconvenienced you in any way.

  Of course not! Glad to have been able to put your mind at rest.

  They were ushered gently yet firmly towards the gateway.

  I should clean up this glass, said Captain Vimes, glancing at the debris again. Someone could hurt themselves, all this glass lying around. Wouldnt like to see one of your people get hurt.

  We Shall be doing it right this minute, captain, said Dr Cruces.

  Good. Good. Thank you very much. Captain Vimes paused at the doorway, and then thumped the palm of his hand on his forehead. Sorry, excuse me – mind like a sieve these days – what was it you said was stolen?

  Not a muscle, not a sinew moved on Dr Cruces face.

  I didnt say anything was stolen, Captain Vimes.

  Vimes gaped at him for a moment.

  Right! Sorry! Of course, you didnt. . . Apologies . . . Work getting on top of me, I expect. Ill be going, then.

  The door slammed in his face.

  Right, said Vimes.

  Captain, why—? Carrot began. Vimes held up a hand.

  That wraps it up, then, he said, slightly louder than necessary. Nothing to worry about. Lets get back to the Yard. Wheres Lance-Constable Whatshername?

  Here, captain, said Angua, stepping out of the alley.

  Hiding, eh? And whats that?

  Woof woof whine whine.

  Its a little dog, captain.

  Good grief.

  The clang of the big corroded Inhumation Bell echoed through the Assassins Guild. Black-clad figures came running from all directions, pushing and shoving in their haste to get to the courtyard.

  The Guild council, assembled hurriedly outside Dr Cruces office. His deputy, Mr Downey, knocked tentatively at the door.

  Come.

  The council filed in.

  Cruces office was the biggest room in the building. It always seemed wrong to visitors that the Assassins Guild had such light, airy, well-designed premises, more like the premises of a gentlemens club than a building where death was plotted on a daily basis.

  Cheery sporting prints lined the walls, although the quarry was not, when you looked closely, stags or foxes. There were also group etchings – and, more recently, new-fangled iconographs – of the Guild, rows of smiling faces on black-clad bodies and the youngest members sitting cross-legged in front, one of them making a face. [6]

  Down one side of the room was the big mahogany table where the elders of the Guild sat in weekly session. The other side of the room held Cruces private library, and a small workbench. Above the bench was an apothecary cabinet, made up of hundreds of little drawers. The names on the drawer labels were in Assassins code, but visitors from outside the Guild were generally sufficiently unnerved not to accept a drink.

  Four pillars of black granite held up the ceiling. They had been carved with the names of noted Assassins from history. Cruces had his desk foursquare between them. He was standing behind it, his expression almost as wooden as the desk.

  I want a roll-call, he snapped. Has anyone left the Guild?

  No, sir.

  How can you be so sure?

  The guards on the roofs in Filigree Street say no-one came in or went out, sir.

  And whos watching them?

  Theyre watching one another, sir.

  Very well. Listen carefully. I want the mess cleaned up. If anyone needs to go outside the building, I want everyone watched. And then the Guild is going to be searched from top to bottom, do you understand?

  What for, doctor? said a junior lecturer in poisons.

  For . . . anything that is hidden. If you find anything and you dont know what it is, send for a council member immediately. And dont touch it.

  But doctor, all sorts of things are hidden—

  This will be different, do you understand?

  No, sir.

  Good. And no-one is to speak to the wretched Watch about this. You, boy . . . bring me my hat. Dr Cruces sighed. I suppose I shall have to go and tell the Patrician.

  Hard luck, sir.

  The captain didnt say anything until they were crossing the Brass Bridge.

  Now then, Corporal Carrot, he said, you know how Ive always told you how observation is important?

  Yes, captain. I have always paid careful attention to your remarks on the subject.

  So what did you observe?

  Someoned smashed a mirror. Everyone knows Assassins like mirrors. But if it was a museum, why was there a mirror there?

  Please, sir?

  Who said that?

  Down here, sir. Lance-Constable Cuddy.

  Oh, yes. Yes?

  I know a bit about fireworks, sir. Theres a smell you get after fireworks. Didnt smell it, sir. Smelled something else.

  Well . . . smelled, Cuddy.

  And there were bits of burned rope and pulleys.

  I smelled dragon, said Vimes.

  Sure, captain?

  Trust me. Vimes grimaced. If you spent any time in Lady Ramkins company, you soon found out what dragons smelled like. If something put its head in your lap while you were dining, you said nothing, you just kept passing it titbits and hoped like hell it didnt hiccup.

  There was a glass case in that room, he said. It was smashed open. Hah! Something was stolen. There was a bit of card in the dust, but someone must have pinched it while old Cruces was talking to me. Id give a hundred dollars to know what it said.

  Why, captain? said Corporal Carrot.

  Because that bastard Cruces doesnt want me to know.

  I know what could have blown the hole open, said Angua.

  What?

  An exploding dragon.

  They walked in stunned silence.

  That could do it, sir, said Carrot loyally. The little devils go bang at the drop of a helmet.

  Dragon, muttered Vimes. What makes you think it was a dragon, Lance-Constab
le Angua?

  Angua hesitated. Because a dog told me was not, she judged, a career-advancing thing to say at this point.

  Womans intuition? she suggested.

  I suppose, said Vimes, you wouldnt hazard an intuitive guess as to what was stolen?

  Angua shrugged. Carrot noticed how interestingly her chest moved.

  Something the Assassins wanted to keep where they could look at it? she said.

  Oh, yes, said Vimes. I suppose next youll tell me this dog saw it all?

  Woof?

  Edward dEath drew the curtains, bolted the door and leaned on it. It had been so easy!

  Hed put the bundle on the table. It was thin, and about four feet long.

  He unwrapped it carefully, and there . . . it . . . was.

  It looked pretty much like the drawing. Typical of the man – a whole page full of meticulous drawings of crossbows, and this in the margin, as though it hardly mattered.

  It was so simple! Why hide it away? Probably because people were afraid. People were always afraid of power. It made them nervous.

  Edward picked it up, cradled it for a while, and found that it seemed to fit his arm and shoulder very snugly.

  Youre mine.

  And that, more or less, was the end of Edward dEath. Something continued for a while, but what it was, and how it thought, wasnt entirely human.

  It was nearly noon. Sergeant Colon had taken the new recruits down to the archery butts in Butts Treat.

  Vimes went on patrol with Carrot.

  He felt something inside him bubbling over. Something was brushing the tips of his corroded but nevertheless still-active instincts, trying to draw attention to itself. He had to be on the move. It was all that Carrot could do to keep up.

  There were trainee Assassins in the streets around the Guild, still sweeping up debris.

  Assassins in daylight, snarled Vimes. Im amazed they dont turn to dust.

  Thats vampires, sir, said Carrot.

  Hah! Youre right. Assassins and licensed thieves and bloody vampires! You know, this was a great old city once, lad.

  Unconsciously, they fell into step . . . proceeding.

  When we had kings, sir?

  Kings? Kings? Hell, no!

  A couple of Assassins looked around in surprise.

  Ill tell you, said Vimes. A monarchs an absolute ruler, right? The head honcho—

  Unless hes a queen, said Carrot.

  Vimes glared at him, and then nodded.

  OK, or the head honchette—

  No, thatd only apply if she was a young woman. Queens tend to be older. Shed have to be a . . . a honcharina? No, thats for very young princesses. No. Um. A honchesa, I think.

  Vimes paused. Theres something in the air in this city, he thought. If the Creator had said, Let there be light in Ankh-Morpork, hed have got no further because of all the people saying What colour?

  The supreme ruler, OK, he said, starting to stroll forward again.

  OK.

  But thats not right, see? One man with the power of life and death.

  But if hes a good man— Carrot began.

  What? What? OK. OK. Lets believe hes a good man. But his second-in-command – is he a good man too? Youd better hope so. Because hes the supreme ruler, too, in the name of the king. And the rest of the court . . . theyve got to be good men. Because if just one of thems a bad man the result is bribery and patronage.

  The Patricians a supreme ruler, Carrot pointed out. He nodded at a passing troll. Gday, Mr Carbuncle.

  But he doesnt wear a crown or sit on a throne and he doesnt tell you its right that he should rule, said Vimes. I hate the bastard. But hes honest. Honest like a corkscrew.

  Even so, a good man as king—

  Yes? And then what? Royalty pollutes peoples minds, boy. Honest men start bowing and bobbing just because someones grandad was a bigger murdering bastard than theirs was. Listen! We probably had good kings, once! But kings breed other kings! And blood tells, and you end up with a bunch of arrogant, murdering bastards! Chopping off queens heads and fighting their cousins every five minutes! And we had centuries of that! And then one day a man said “No more kings!” and we rose up and we fought the bloody nobles and we dragged the king off his throne and we dragged him into Sator Square and we chopped his bloody head off! Job well done!