Smoko At East Seaham

by Ken Blowers

CHAPTER 9

  GETTING ON - ONLINE

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  Hi Mary! I’m Andy. I should say straight up that you’ll know me better as ‘Bigboy’. I feel, now we’ve been chatting so long, best part of a year, I guess, that it’s time I spoke to you using my proper name. I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your blog. I really do. It’s well written and at times, very educational too! I’m not kidding! I’m glad to see the support you’ve been given over that period, though where the heck the others are this week I’ll never know!

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  Well thank you, Andy. Nice to meet you, again, under your proper name too! I’ve never written anything other than under my proper name and I don’t know why others do, not that I’m knocking you for it! We all have our little ways of doing things. As to where the others are? Well, we do sometimes go several days, even us much as a week or more; then they all come back and it’s bedlam again!

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  That’s very true, Mary. They’ll be back! With such a nice old name, I can well understand why you wouldn’t want to hide it!

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  Thank you again, kind sir. Flattery will get you anywhere.

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  Oh, I hope you don’t think I was being rude, Heaven forbid! I know you wouldn’t stand for anything like that.

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  Really? You don’t know anything about me. But don’t worry, I’ll soon let you know if you step over the line!

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  But I do know a lot about you! I know you are soft and sensitive; kind and gentle; caring about people, dogs, cats, the environment, people’s rights, the unemployed, the sick, the food we eat… need I go on?

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  Really? I suppose I have been a bit outspoken at times. That sort of thing comes all too easy when you are safely hidden away in one’s tiny hovel, up in the garret.

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  Ah! But there’s a big difference between just mouthing-off and being genuinely concerned. I think I’ve had enough experience of the world to know that. I admire your honesty and forthrightness. You don’t live in a hovel, so there!

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  Oh? How would you know? Where do you think I live then?

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  Where do you live? You live alone in a nice three-bedroom cottage in Blundeston Road, just off Yarmouth Road. In fact, left-hand side, I think. You have a large antique grandfather clock and a rather grand assortment of old clocks as well. You have lots of old paintings too. Plus, a collection of early Lowestoft China. You have a very neat garden with roses over the garden gate. There’s a rather long driveway that annoys you sometimes because it needs a bit of maintenance and you are afraid you might trip and fall. The windows need fixing and the doors something done to them; in fact, the whole house probably needs a man’s touch, somewhere or other.

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  Good, Lord! Have I really let all that out, on here, for all-the-world to know?

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  Not really. Most of your other ‘devoted correspondents’ would let it all go sailing way over their heads, un-noted, because people in general today are far too concerned with their own business, their own problems, their own needs, their own wants and their own petty thoughts.

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  But not you, then?

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  No. No.

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  That was a bit short? You are not usually so reticent, are you?

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  Andy? You there?

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  Andy? Missing you…

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  Come back Andy, wherever you are?

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  Sorry, Mary. It’s my job. I just got called in to do some stocktaking over the weekend. I hate it! It’s boring stuff and I missed talking to you. Moreover, would you believe, I got caught by the bridge opening, both ways for two days running!!!

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  Ah! Good honest work! You’ll miss it one day, when you are old and grey!

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  Oh, nonsense. I work to live, not live to work. I’m not rich like you, you know, on some sort of private income with no need to work!

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  Did I let that slip? Not by choice, Andy. I’m not from a rich family. Middle class maybe, if there is such a thing in Lowestoft.

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  Sorry. It’s none of my business.

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  You’re right there! You’d best say no more on the subject.

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  By the way, my Boss has promised me I can have a day off for working all weekend (generous old bugger, isn’t he?). I thought it would be nice, if you are not doing anything one day soon, like next week then, perhaps I could come over to your place? I could do some of those handyman jobs for you. ‘Mr Fixit’ is my second name! What do you reckon?

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  I couldn’t. You wouldn’t, would you?

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  Yes! Yes, I’d love to. It would be a pleasure, a real fun day. You could show me your garden. We could have a long chat about how to put the world right!!!! Maybe even play a game of cards, or chess. I remember you said once you were a bit of a ‘dab hand’ at chess! We’re going to get on fine, you know why? Because we think alike! We go together like, like eggs and bacon!

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  You sure have a good memory Andy, I’ll give you that! Ok, we’ll do it! Eggs and bacon! You are too funny for words. That reminds me, I remember you like ham-off the bone, right? You mentioned it once. Oh, with mustard and pickled onions, right? I’ll get some in. They do a very nice home-cooked ham down in a little shop I know in Blundeston. It’s between the church and the pub, do you know it? People come from miles for their ham.

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  Are you sure they come for the ham? Maybe they come to Blundeston to visit Dad in ‘the big house’, eh? Buy the ham on the way out, so they don’t have to cook when they get back home.

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  Oh, don’t be awful! Let’s not talk about the Blundeston Prison. Now what day are we talking here?

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  I thought Friday. It would be good on Friday because, if for any reason I didn’t get to finish the jobs, I could come back again on Saturday and maybe Sunday too.

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  Don’t push it! I’m not buying that much ham.

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  This Friday coming then. Ohhhh, damn! I can’t! I just remembered I promised to let my kid brother have my car. It’s a white Mercedes you know, for a wedding he’s going to. He likes to put on a bit of style at times. Silly boy! It’s just a car, like any other. But he doesn’t see it like that. Some people are just natural show-offs, I guess!

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  Oh, he’s just trying to keep up with his big brother, that’s all. There’s plenty of buses and they all stop at the end of Blundeston Road. Come on! Try a bit of real life for a change and get some exercise into the bargain! It’ll do you good. Humility is good for the soul.

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  It’ll damage my image, but alright, you’re on!

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  Good. I’ve just remembered you like chocolate walnut whips, don’t you? So I’ll get you some of them to restore your energy when you get here.

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  Oh, that sounds promising.

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  Now don’t be rude. It doesn’t suit you. I was going to say I’d walk down to the end of the driveway to meet you, but I won’t. You see, it’s not really far enough to go to all the trouble of getting my little electric scooter thing out (there’s only one seat on that too), and it’s too far for me with my walking frame. I’m not risking a fall. I may have lost all my teeth but I haven’t lost my marbles!

  Luckily, I’ve got a lady who comes in to clean and do work for me. Perhaps I can get her to wash my hair for me and put a rinse through it too. Oh, God! It’s nearly 30 years since I’ve entertained a gentleman. Did I tell you I’ve got the
complete works of Winston Churchill? He was such a great man, I really must read some of it to you. You’ll love it, especially the early years between the wars. Although I remember it wasn’t so much fun back then. Well I’d better go, there’s so much to do.

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  Hello! Are you there, Andy? I’ve been so busy, digging out all my old board games and jigsaws. We’re going to have so much fun!

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  Hello! Andy? Has that Boss of yours got you working overtime again?

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  Hello! Andy? Where are you? There’s more to life than work!

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  Hello! Andy? Come on.

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  Please, Andy, where are you? You never, ever, gave me your email address and I’m frightened I’ll lose contact with you.

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  Andy? You there?

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  Hello! Please, Andy, please say something?

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  Andy, you there? What’s happened to you?

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  Andy, oh, Andy….