The Keys to Jericho

by Ren Alexander

  She loudly whispers, “Jared! You can’t say that to me in here! We’ll be getting married in this gazebo in less than 24 hours!”

  “Yeah. Married. Not becoming saints. Can’t I rehearse my kiss for my bride?”

  She continues to look out at the park. “Nope. Not until tomorrow.”

  “Are you serious? I kissed you last night before you fell asleep.”

  “No. I’m saving my lips for our big moment.”

  I whisper, “You know, I’ve had them before.”

  She whispers back, “You know, you’ve waited longer than a day to kiss me before, too.”

  I sigh and tighten my arms around her stomach. “I know that, Kit Kat, but now that I’ve had them, you can’t deny me when you’re right here.”

  “Just until tomorrow.”

  I growl near her neck. “You’re killing me.”

  Kat giggles. “You can live through a little more torture.”

  “Like hell I can.”

  Brenda walks over and says, “The weather report is calling for rain tomorrow, about an hour after the ceremony. It’s a good thing the reception is indoors.”

  Kat turns around, putting her hands on my shoulders as she sulks, “I heard.”

  Looking at Brenda, I retort, “You’re the bearer of anxiety today.”

  “Oh, shit. I am, aren’t I? Rain is good luck on your wedding day, though.”

  Kat frowns. “I’ll take a rabbit’s foot over rain on my wedding day.”

  Brenda sighs. “Damn it. I need to put duct tape over my mouth.”

  Kat says, “I’ll do that for you.” Brenda dismisses Kat with a wave and turns to say something to my dad.

  “Hey, Beckett.”

  I look over my shoulder and narrow my gaze. “It’s about time, Duquesne. Jesus. Kat and I already married. You missed it.”

  “What? I didn’t get to object when the minister asked? That’s bogus.”

  Kat laughs and I testily ask, “What’s so funny? You hot and heavy with Rio, and now you’re going to run off together?”

  Rio says, “Exactly. Come on, Kat. We’d better go now to beat the traffic.”

  Liberty states, “Let me get my luggage out of the trunk first. You can’t take off with my new shoes. I’ll hunt you down.”

  As the three laugh, I irritably mutter, “Aren’t you all funny today?”

  Kat says, “Someone has to be.” She strokes her fingers over my jaw and says to the other two, “Jericho is nervous about marrying me.”

  “I’m not nervous.” Fuck. Yes I am.

  Kat regards me with obvious doubt before she squeezes my hand, and smiles. “I’ll be back.”

  She follows Liberty, and when they’re out of earshot, Rio laughs. “Nervous now? Wait until you hear what Douche has planned for you tonight.”

  “Holy fuck. I’m going to murder my dad for handing off the bachelor party to Calder. I didn’t want one anyway.”

  Rio says, “It’s so fucked up, but it’s going to be a riot.”

  “I’m going to riot and torch beds if it’s out of hand.”

  “Just remember, it was all his idea.”

  “Is it something you’d be okay with me doing for yours in a couple months?”

  Biting his lip, he glances at the gazebo’s rafters. “Uh…”

  I sigh and swing my head to catch sight of Dash, but no such luck. “Fucking Calder. He just upgraded his death warrant to next.”

  Howie, the minister, arrives. He’s a friend of Brenda’s, who is a FedEx driver during the week, but also an ordained minister. I guess it pays to make friends everywhere, as Brenda obviously does.

  Following Howie is my sister. Rio looks her way, and then looks back to me, quietly saying, “Jesus. She looks frail.”

  “Yeah. I told her to sit the whole thing out, but she doesn’t listen worth shit.”

  “She’s a Beckett, no doubt about that.”

  I scoff, “Stubborn. I know.”

  Rio says, “Tough as hell, too. Everything she’s been through? Fuck. I don’t see how she’s still standing.”

  Shaking my head, I watch her and say, “I don’t know, either. One thing is for sure, I will be taking care of shit after I get back from my honeymoon.”

  “Jare, no. She’ll never speak to you again.”

  I argue, “I can’t stand by and let her waste away.”

  Appearing somewhat relieved, he says, “Oh. I thought you meant you’d visit…”

  “Yeah. That, too.”

  “Oh, fuck. Don’t do it.”

  “Who’s going to stop me?”

  Rio sighs. “Me?”

  I grin. “You only put out the fires, Smokey.”

  “Yeah, and only you can prevent them. Jared, I’m telling you again, do not do it.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Just a friendly chat with Finn.”

  He folds his arms over his chest, and inhales. “Christ. I’ll need to come with you.”

  I laugh. “Not a chance in Hell. I work alone.”

  Rio mumbles something sounding like, “Fuck me,” as Howie gathers us around to start the rehearsal.

  Since there isn’t much to rehearse, it goes off without a hitch, literally. Kat also refused to kiss me, staying true to her word. For now. I know I can get her to cave at some point.

  While Kat talks with Hadley, and Duquesne’s warden, I’m ambushed by Dash, Rio, and my dad. Dash puts his arm around my shoulders and says, “Tonight is going to be the bomb, Jericho.”

  “Don’t ever say anything is the bomb ever again, Calder. Fucking lame.”

  He rephrases, “You’re going to love it.”

  “I doubt it. Can’t we just go out for some beers…or something?” I glance at my dad and ruefully frown, but he smiles. I tell Dash, “I’m warning you. I don’t want some blown up thing tonight. Just us. I’ll have to deal with enough people I don’t know, or like, tomorrow.”

  Dash tilts his head side to side, while rolling his eyes. “We know. Got it. Everything is already planned. We’ll pick you up at 9:00.”

  “I’m staying at Dad’s. You’ll have to pick up both of us there.”

  Dash emphatically shakes his head. “Nope. Won’t work. Be at Kat’s apartment.”

  “She probably won’t let me be there.”

  “I’ll tell her to stay out of there until after we pick you up. Problem solved. Stop resisting, Jericho.”

  I look at all three of them. “What the hell am I getting into?”

  Rio smirks. “That’s a dangerous question, Jare.”

  Dash laughs. “Very.”

  My dad sighs. “Oh, hell.”

  “I was right. I need new friends or a prescription for Xanax.”

  Getting into Dad’s truck and seeing what I see, I groan. “What the fucking shit?”

  My dad frowns at me, but he laughs when he sees where my ire is directed. “You don’t like?”

  I look at each jackass, wearing matching Jared’s Bachelor Party Crew T-shirts. I roll my eyes as I face the front. “More than life itself.”

  Rio swings a shirt from behind my seat, hitting me in the chest. “Enjoy.”

  Unfolding the white shirt, I see a graphic of a man with a ball and chain, and above it, Dead Man Walking.

  I shake my head and toss the shirt behind me to Rio. “I’m not wearing this shit.”

  Dash says, “Look at the back!”

  Rio turns the shirt around and I see that it says Groom-to-be, but the groom is marked out and pussy written above it.

  I scowl at Dash and Rio. “Fuck, no!”

  Dad sighs. “Oh, Jared, lighten up.”

  “I’m not putting that on.”

  “Yeah, you are.” He gives me a look that says, Stop being an asshole.

  Huffing a heavier sigh, I ultimately groan, “Damn it. For one hour.”

  “You also have to wear this.” Dash hands me a black bag.

  “What’s this for? If we’re doing one of those stupid scavenger hunts, I’m going to s
hove this bag down your throat before feeding you your nutsack.”

  Dad frowns at me. “Must you go there?”

  “Yeah. Totally necessary.”

  “You have to, Jericho. It’s so you won’t see where we’re going.”

  “I have a pretty good idea where we’re going.”

  Dash pleads, “Don’t ruin this.”

  “I’m not wearing a black bag over my head.”

  “It’s an executioner’s hood. You’ll have to wear it backwards, though, so you can’t see.”

  “I’m going to strangle you with this hood and I don’t care whether you can see your life flash before your eyes or not.”

  “Just put the hood on, Jare.”

  I shoot Dash a dirty look. “If I absolutely have to do this shit, why couldn’t you get a simple blindfold like any other normal person?”

  Dash argues, “Ask Diet Dr. Pussy. It was his idea.”

  Turning to him, I warn, “Oh, Duquesne. You’re going to pay for this.”

  Rio says, “Relax and have fun. It’s your last night as a bachelor. Tomorrow, you’ll be fitted with your ball and chain.”

  “I need her ball and chain. My balls are killing me.”

  “Jared Adam.” I glance at my dad and laugh.

  Dash says, “You have a hand for that.”

  “You’re right, Dash. I’ll just tell Kat to put her clothes back on because I’d rather be alone with my hand than inside—”

  “Just stop right there.” Dad shakes his head and I grin at him, but then scowl at all three.

  “I’m not wearing the hood. I’ll stare at the floor or keep my eyes closed. Whatever.”

  Dash mutters, “You’re a wet blanket.”

  “Yeah? And you’re a stripper’s wet dream.”

  Dad says, “Shut up and put the shirt on so we can leave.”

  Growling in defeat, I remove my hat, pull off my T-shirt and grab the other one from Duquesne. “Assholes. Just all of you wait. Paybacks are hell. I promise.”

  Dash screws up his face. “That’s going to be weird. After tomorrow, you’ll be a married man.”

  “Yeah. That’s the point of all this and wearing this damn shirt.”

  “Still weird. Duquesne will be married soon, too, and then you’ll both move away. Jesus. I’m going to be alone.”

  Rio says, “Oh, Douche. We won’t leave you alone.”

  “Yeah, but you both aren’t anyone I want to cuddle with at night.”

  Straightening out the stupid shirt, I sneer, “You’ve never said a truer statement than that right there.”

  Rio says, “Agreed. Stay out of my bed, Dash Calder.”

  As I return my hat to my head, Dad backs out of Kat’s driveway and Dash says, “Eyes closed, Jericho.”

  “Fuck you.”

  Dad sighs. “Jared.”

  Sitting back and putting on my seatbelt, I grin as I lower my hat and close my eyes. “Just checking to see if you’re listening.”

  “Unfortunately.”

  Dash says, “Don’t look, Jericho. Promise you won’t.”

  Since I can’t roll my eyes, I cross my arms and loudly sigh. “Yeah, yeah.”

  About 15 minutes later, it feels like, the truck slows and turns. Dash becomes antsy and I yell at him to settle down, but he doesn’t, which is standard for him.

  Exiting the truck is a treat since I still have my eyes closed. Rio nearly lets me fall face first out of the truck, and Dash doesn’t stop me from walking into a lamppost.

  “This is fucking ridiculous,” I snap and my dad, I’m positive, smacks the back of my head.

  When we enter the building, the smell is immediately familiar and I announce, “I know where we are.”

  Dash says, “Go ahead and open your eyes.”

  Lifting my hat, I look around the bar, and the stripper pole gleams like a beacon. “Yep. I knew it.”

  Dash punches my arm and I glare at him. “You did not, Jericho.”

  “Really, Dash? I couldn’t have guessed you’d take me to your dad’s strip club for my bachelor party?”

  “I thought you had a limited imagination.”

  “Not so. I currently have 63 different ways I could kill you.”

  “Shit. That’s scary.”

  “And I bet you couldn’t guess three of them.”

  Shell walks onto the stage, dressed in her usual tight clothes, only slightly dressier now in a skimpy sequin top and leather pants, and I thank Christ she’s not in anything less, which would be rather awkward for all involved, especially her son.

  In super-tall high heels, she click clacks her way down the stage’s stairs and over to us at the bar. “There’s the groom! Hey, handsome!” She gives me a hug and her perfume and blonde hair cover my face like a fog.

  Dash whines, “What does that make me?”

  I answer, “I already told you what that makes you.” Dash frowns at me, while Rio and I laugh.

  Stepping back, Shell says, “You’re not the one getting married, Dashiell.”

  Shell goes over, giving my dad a hug, before looking at Rio. “Well, who’s this hot commodity with the sexy hair?”

  Dash groans. “That’s Rio Duquesne.”

  “Well, hi there, Rio Duquesne. You’re certainly a sight for sore eyes.”

  Rio says a polite hello, but doesn’t make any comments, since he’s not one for flirting with strangers, or rather, strange women in this case.

  Not looking away from Rio and me, Shell says, “You always have hot friends, Dashiell.”

  “You’re a lesbian, Mommy dearest. Why do you keep forgetting that?”

  She rolls her eyes before looking over at him. “Oh, shut up, Dash. I can admire works of art even if I don’t paint in the medium.”

  “My God.” Dash slumps on his stool, looking like a sullen fifth grader.

  Dash’s dad, Dave, enters the bar from the kitchen. “Hey, Jared!” He nods at my shirt and says, “Congratulations on the ball and chain!”

  “Uh, thanks.” I’m going to kill your son with a blowtorch.

  Dave’s bald head shines underneath the club’s overhead lighting, but it darkens his beard. I look at his heavily tattooed arms and neck, wondering how he comes up with all the permanence etched onto his body. He’s such a contradiction to Dash that it always makes me laugh.

  Shell asks, “We ready to get started?” What the fuck? I’m not getting a filling at the dentist.

  Dash says, “No. We need to wait for a couple more.”

  “What the hell? Who else is coming?” As the words leave my mouth, Tony and Pete enter the club from the back entrance.

  I roll my eyes, looking up at the ceiling, muttering, “Christ.”

  Tony walks over, looking embarrassed to be here, but reluctantly intrigued at the same time. Putting his hand out, he says, “Hey there, brother-in-law.”

  Shaking his hand with a slight smile, I say, “Yep. Tomorrow, I’ll officially be tied to your family like a weighted rope.”

  He nods. “I’m glad. You helped my sister. Pete and I are grateful. You’re a hell of a guy.”

  Shocked by his statement, I nearly stutter, “I am? I only helped Kat get her license.” Among other things I can’t say to her brothers.

  Dash says, “Right. Because helping someone get their driver’s license always leads straight to the altar.”

  I flip him off and Dad says, “Jared, behave.”

  “We’re in a strip club!”

  I reluctantly take a stool and Rio sits on the left side of me, while Pete is on my right. Dad and Tony sit at the end of the bar.

  I ask Dash, “What? Your brothers aren’t here?”

  “No. Jagger had to work, and Pierce couldn’t get a flight. They both say congrats, though.”

  “Hey, boys!” Victor yells from the stage, frenziedly waving, causing the black-sequined vest he’s wearing to flash as if going from dim to high beams. Regrettably, he’s not wearing a shirt underneath. The black leather pants he’s wearing also
defy description. Jesus. I didn’t know it’s a requirement to wear black leather in here.

  Shell asks, “Are the girls almost ready?”

  Victor clasps his hands together as he approaches the bar. “Yes. They’re all sprayed, weighed, and unpaid.”

  I swing my head to Calder. “Dash, you promised!”

  Shell asks, “What’s wrong?”

  Dash takes the seat on the other side of Rio and says, “Jericho didn’t want strippers.”

  Looking confused, Shell says to me, “You are in a strip club.”

  Frowning, I roll my eyes. “Against my will.”

  Shell laughs. “Against your will? Right, Jared. What guy doesn’t want to see strippers?”

  “Me.”

  “What fun is that?”

  Dash says, “He doesn’t want the attention.”

  “They’ll be giving all of you attention.”

  Rio reaches up and twists my hat backwards. “Just relax, Jare.”

  I readjust my hat and shoot him an irritated look. “You’re not the one in the hot seat, Duquesne.”

  “Exactly.”

  I mutter, “Paybacks.”

  Shell asks, “So, you only want to see your wife strip for you? Not strippers?”

  “Yep.”

  Shell shakes her head with a laugh. “I don’t think you’re normal.”

  “Jericho is far from normal.”

  Victor says, “I do have to say, most of them are nervous.”

  Shell picks up a clipboard from the bar as Dave delivers a crate full of shot glasses. Shell says, “Dash said you didn’t want a big production tonight, so it’s not. These girls are auditioning for the club. I told them all to wear masks so that if you see them outside the club, you don’t hassle them.” She eyes Dashiell and he frowns. “Most of them haven’t had much stage time, so go easy on them, but not too easy. Make them work for it.”

  Dash laughs and his dimples make him look goddamned illegal in here. “So if you get a hard-on from any of them, Jericho, they’re hired.”

  I snap, “Jesus Christ, Dash.”

  “Jared Adam.”

  I roll my eyes and Dash says, “Let’s get some alcohol flowing. That’ll dull the pain.”

  “Not for your murder.”

  Dave grabs a bottle of tequila and sets up several shot glasses. Drops of booze splash onto the black bar, and shine like dark pools. He then drops a bucket of sliced limes and a container of salt. Everyone, except Dad and I take a glass. Dash says, “Drink up, Jericho. Last night as a free man.”