“See what?” I asked as he reached into his pocket. His hand closed around something, but he didn’t remove whatever it was. I had no idea what he had in there, so of course my thoughts ran rampant. “Phillip, talk to me.”
“I don’t feel like talking. I hate talking. But if you’re not going to leave, have a seat,” he said, gesturing to the desk across the room. “You might as well enjoy the show.”
“What show?” I asked him as I swallowed back the fear I felt creeping up my throat.
Phillip smiled, but it looked sadistic, like he knew what he was about to do was wrong, but he was going to do it anyway. My worst fears surrounded me as he shook his head when I didn’t accept his invitation to sit, and I watched him pull a baggie of white powder from his pocket. He dropped it unceremoniously onto the table. Then he pulled a crisp hundred dollar bill from his wallet and laid it on the table.
I silently watched him pick up a vase that sat on top of a mirror on the table and drop it. He chuckled as it shattered on the tile floor.
“I always hated that vase. It’s fucking ugly. I got mad at Leah when she almost broke it back in high school. She laughed. She thought it was funny, but I knew my dad would have my ass if he knew we were partying here. You see, back then I was still trying to find a way to get him to love me. I didn’t realize it just wasn’t going to happen.”
“Leah was here with you?” I asked him, ignoring everything else he’d said in the hopes that mentioning her name was his way of telling me he wanted to talk about her.
He sneered at me. “Of course she was here. She was my best friend. We came here all the time. In fact, this was where we slept together the first time,” he said, and it felt like he was trying to hurt me with his words. “We’d been partying all afternoon, and I came in here to find my dad’s good scotch that I knew he kept in his desk. Before I knew what was happening, she was pushing me back on this couch and climbing on top of me. She fucked me good and hard, and I loved every second of it.”
“I’m sure you did,” I told him in as supportive of a way as I could muster.
I had a feeling he’d told me that story in an effort to push me away, but I wasn’t going to let him. I knew he and Leah had slept together in high school. It wasn’t news to me, and it wasn’t going to deter me from what I needed to do.
Phillip’s sneer returned and he huffed out a non-humorous laugh. “Cut the bullshit, Sabrina. And get the fuck out. I don’t want you here. You’re not a part of this.”
“I’m not a part of what, Phillip?” I asked him, trying to pretend his words didn’t hurt. I knew he didn’t really mean them.
“This,” he said, gesturing around him. “My life. Leah and Kelsey and me. That’s what’s important. That’s all that matters.”
In that moment, as he incoherently spouted words that made no sense to me, I got a sinking feeling in my gut that he’d already spent half the day erasing his feelings about Leah’s death with anything he could get his hands on. Initially I hadn’t thought he was high, but now I wasn’t so sure. He just wasn’t making any sense.
“Phillip, you remember what happened last night, right?”
“Yes,” he snapped. “Of course I fucking remember. Leah died. She fucking died, and it’s over. It’s all over.”
“What’s over?” I asked him cautiously.
“This,” he said, still not making any sense. “Everything. I’m done.”
I realized then what he meant. He was giving up. He wasn’t high, but he was about to be. Six months of sobriety was about to be thrown out the window.
What had happened with Leah was too much for him, and regardless of how well he’d been doing, it was enough to make him backslide, to forget his promise to stay sober, and to give up everything he’d worked so hard for, because he’d done it all for her. Or at least that’s what he was telling himself.
I knew he’d done it for Kelsey and Gavin. He’d done it for his bandmates and his career. He’d done it for himself, and I wanted to think he’d even done it for me. But he wasn’t thinking clearly. He wasn’t thinking about anyone else. He hadn’t even mentioned Van or Cam or Dillon. He hadn’t said a word about Westside. He hadn’t mentioned Greg or Gavin, and maybe in his mind, in that moment, they weren’t important. Nothing mattered without Leah.
“Phillip, it doesn’t have to be that way,” I told him.
“It does,” he muttered.
“Yeah, well I’ve got three of your best friends in a car downstairs chomping at the bit to know that you’re okay, and one more is on the way. In fact, my phone hasn’t stopped vibrating since I got up here, and I know it’s them. It’s Van and Cam and Dillon and Greg. And it’s Kelsey. She’s worried about you. She’s so worried. She told me to find you. She needs you, and Gavin needs you. You have people who love you. I know you’re hurting, and I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could bring Leah back, but I can’t, and I hate that. I just want to help you. I want to do anything I can to help. Tell me what I can do. How can I help, Phillip? Please.”
Phillip stared at me for a few seconds, and for a moment, I thought I might have gotten through to him. Then I realized I was wrong.
“Just go away,” he said simply as he started to open the baggie.
I watched him pour a neat line on the mirror, amazed at how steady his hand was. He’d obviously done it before. Then he stretched the hundred dollar bill as taught as it would go and made the line thinner, spreading the white powder out across the mirror. When he rolled the bill up into the shape of a straw, I did the only thing that came to mind.
“Yeah, that’s not happening,” I said as I walked over to the other side of the coffee table and slid down to the floor across from him. Wondering the whole time if he was looking at me, I opened my bag and pulled out my wallet. I had a dollar that had seen better days, but I pulled it out anyway. I laid it on the table and rolled it as neatly as I could. Then I looked up at Phillip. “Pour me a line.”
He looked stunned for a few seconds before he said. “What?”
I looked up at him, locking my gaze with his. “Pour me a line. If you’re going down, I’m going down with you.”
“Get the fuck out of here,” he said as if he didn’t believe me, dismissing me with a wave of his hand.
“Phillip, I’m not kidding. Pour. Me. A line,” I said clearly, so he’d know I was serious.
I wasn’t, but he didn’t need to know that. I was desperate, and if this was what it took to get through to him, I’d do it.
“No, you’re sober,” he reminded me.
“So are you,” I reminded him right back. “Or maybe you’re not. Is this your first foray into this stuff, or did you spend your day hiding out and getting high?”
He glared at me. “No, I didn’t.”
“Okay, then we’ll do it together. You jump, I jump.”
He sighed. “Sabrina, just go.”
“I’m not leaving, Phillip,” I told him firmly.
“Why?”
“Because I love you,” I said simply.
He looked stunned for a few seconds before he said, “No, you don’t.”
“I do,” I said, shrugging like it was no big deal, like I hadn’t just flat out told him I loved him, when in reality my heart was racing. “And because I love you, I’m not going to let you jump off the ledge alone. If you go, I’m going with you.”
I wondered how badly he was going to take what I’d said. He’d already told me he didn’t do love. He didn’t think he was capable of it, so I was sure hearing how I felt was going to throw him for a loop, but that was sort of what I was hoping for – shock value to stun him out of doing something stupid.
“You’re crazy,” was all he said.
I nodded. “I would actually have to agree with you on that, because if I was sane, I probably wouldn’t feel the way I do. But I can’t help it. It’s how I feel, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
Phillip was speechless, his mouth hanging open slightly as
he watched me.
“So, about this very expensive purchase you have sprinkled all over this mirror,” I asked him. “You really want to do it?”
“Yeah, I do,” he told me, but I could hear a level of hesitancy in his voice.
“Okay then,” I said as I leaned forward, getting poised over the one line he’d poured.
It had been a while since I’d snorted coke, but it felt more natural than I’d expected. That should have scared me, because I was remembering with almost crippling clarity how much I liked cocaine. I’d always remembered on some level, but this was different. This was muscle memory of an action that had been so commonplace for me for a long time that it felt normal to do it. But I told myself no matter what, I wasn’t going to actually ingest anything. I wasn’t going to do it, no matter how tempting and enticing it felt.
“Don’t,” Phillip said, and then his hand was sending the mirror flying across the room.
I looked up in time to see it slam into the wall and fall to the tile floor, shattering into a million pieces and scattering the cocaine along with it. Then he grabbed the baggie, sealed it, and shoved it into his pocket, out of my reach.
“What’s the big idea?” I asked him, noticing that in his rush to get the cocaine away from me, his hoodie had fallen back, exposing his face.
The paleness of his features only highlighted the dark circles and the pain etched around his eyes. Dirt was streaked on one of his cheeks, and his jaw was set in a hard line as he fought the exhaustion I knew was surrounding him.
“You just didn’t lose someone you love,” he growled at me. “You don’t get to throw everything away.”
“If you throw everything away, I will have lost someone I love,” I said, turning the tables on him.
He shook his head. “You don’t love me. Stop saying that.”
“I do love you, and so did Leah. This is the last thing she would want you to do, and you know it.”
Phillip glared at me. “Don’t talk about her. You don’t get to talk about her.”
“Why? Because I didn’t know her? That’s bullshit, Phillip, and you know it. I might not have known her like you did, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t affected by what happened. And if talking about her keeps you here and keeps you sober, I’ll do it all night long.”
“No! Just stop, Sabrina! Stop. Leave me the fuck alone. That’s what I wanted. That’s why I left! I didn’t want to be found. I just wanted to come here, because it’s a place where I was happy, where Leah was happy, because we didn’t have many places like that. Dammit! Why can’t you understand that?”
I’d been watching his eyes get watery as he ranted, and when he swiped violently under them, trying to wipe away the evidence of his emotions, I couldn’t hold back the tears I’d kept at bay all day. I hadn’t let myself cry, but as I watched him fall apart, it was all I wanted to do.
“You’re right, I can’t understand that,” I told him as the tears spilled over. “Because that’s not the only reason you came here. You wanted to get high, and you needed a place to do that where no one would find you. You were running away, because you couldn’t handle what happened, so you did the first thing that made sense. You came here to remember her, but you also came here to forget!”
“Oh, forgive me for being upset that my best friend was tragically ripped out of my life with no warning!” he screamed as tears streamed down his cheeks. “You have no idea what that’s like and what I’m feeling and how bad it fucking hurts, so don’t even pretend to!”
“Oh?! Oh, I have no idea what that feels like?!” I seethed. “Fuck you! I’ve lost my entire family. I lost my best friend. I know how bad it fucking hurts, Phillip. I know exactly how bad it hurts, but you never stopped to think about that. You didn’t think about the fact that there are people in your life who could have helped you today, who were scared shitless because you were just gone, and who spent all day worrying about you, wishing you’d call, and praying that you were alright. They just wanted to help you. I wanted to help you, because I know just how bad it fucking hurts. You didn’t have to be alone.” I pointed violently at the cocaine that dusted the floor. “And you know that didn’t have to be your solution. You know it doesn’t fix anything. It only makes things worse.”
Phillip shook his head, looking like he wanted to fight back, but before he could say anything, he folded in on himself. Grief and exhaustion overtook him, and his head fell into his hands as his back hunched. His shoulders shook as he finally let out all the emotion he’d channeled into fighting me, in pushing me away, and in telling me to leave him alone. I was never going to do that, and as I moved from my spot on the floor and slid next to him on the couch, I think he finally realized it.
I put my arms around him, pulling him against me, and he let me. His weight fell against me, almost like he couldn’t hold himself up, but that was okay. I’d do it for him. I’d hold him as long as he needed me to. I’d stay with him all night if that’s what he needed.
“I can’t do this,” he finally said.
“Yes, you can,” I said soothingly as I rubbed his back.
“No, I can’t. I can’t do this without her.”
I hugged him tighter as I said, “Phillip, you have so many people who love you, who will help you get through this. Trust me, you can do it.”
He shook his head. “You don’t understand. She was everything. She was the glue holding us all together. She – I can’t believe she’s gone. I just – I can’t think it. It’s like it’s not real. I can’t make it feel real. I don’t want to. I don’t want her to be gone.”
“I know. I know that’s how you feel right now, and it probably feels like that pain is never going to go away.”
“It hurts, Sabrina,” he said, his voice cracking as his breath washed over my shoulder where his head was buried. “Everything hurts, and I just wanted it to not hurt for a little while.”
“I know,” I said as I held him as tight as I could, hoping it was helping.
“How do I make it go away?” he asked me, sounding like a lost little boy.
It pained me to remember that this wasn’t the first time he’d felt a loss like this. His life had been wracked with so much heartache, and this was just one more thing he had to get through. I also knew he wasn’t looking for me to answer his question. He already knew the answer.
“You can’t make it go away,” I told him gently. “But if you surround yourself with people who love you, it makes the pain a little easier to handle. Remember, you’re not the only one hurting right now, Phillip.”
He stiffened in my arms. “Kelsey,” he muttered resignedly, and I was glad he’d heard what I’d said. “She probably hates me.”
“No, she doesn’t. She loves you, and she needs you. Gavin needs you, and you need both of them.”
“Oh, God,” he said, his voice cracking again as he raised his head. “How the fuck is that fair? He’s only six. He needs his mother. What the fuck is that all about?”
As soon as Phillip said that, I thought of his mother. He’d only been a few years older than Gavin when she was killed. It was so similar it was eerie.
“It’s not fair, and it doesn’t make any sense,” I told him, because in all the years since Dustin and my dad had died, I still hadn’t been able to make sense of their deaths. I had a feeling I never would.
“He doesn’t have a father. He doesn’t have anyone.”
“He has you,” I reminded Phillip.
He shook his head. “He doesn’t need me in his life. I’m a fucking junkie, and I always will be.”
“No, you won’t. You didn’t get high tonight. You’re still sober.”
“I almost did. If you hadn’t come in, I would have.”
“I know,” I said softly, because I had no doubt that was the truth.
But I also knew the fact that he hadn’t done it counted for something. If he really was a junkie, if he’d really wanted to get high, he would have. I wouldn’t have been able to stop him
.
“That’s not the kind of role model he needs in his life,” Phillip said pointedly. “Gavin needs someone stable and good.”
I wanted to tell him that he was stable and good. If he wasn’t, I knew I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. There were so many good parts of him that he refused to see, that he couldn’t see, but they were things that everyone who knew him saw with intense clarity. He was such a good man underneath it all.
“Phillip, he doesn’t have anyone else,” I reminded him gently. “He has you and Kelsey, and he needs you both. Yesterday, you were exactly the kind of man he could look up to. Your past is there, and it’s not going to go away, but you can fight like hell to keep it there. It doesn’t have to be your future.”
“Does he know?” he asked softly.
“Kelsey was going to tell him tonight. I talked to her earlier. She was hoping you’d be there.”
Phillip’s shoulders sunk “It’s going to crush him.”
“That’s why he’ll need both you and Kelsey.”
He sighed as he shook his head, looking defeated. My phone buzzed in my back pocket for probably the hundredth time, but I continued to ignore it.
“Who’s texting you?”
“Everyone. They all know I’m here, and no one knew what kind of state you’d be in. They’re waiting for me to tell them that you’re okay.”
He ran a hand through his hair as he said, “Tell them I’m fine.”
“Are you?”
He shook his head. “Not hardly, but I don’t want them to imagine everything I’m sure they’re imagining.”
“Okay,” I told him as I took out my phone.
I sent a text to everyone who needed to know that Phillip was alright. I told them he needed some time, but he was going to be okay. Even if he didn’t think it, I knew he would be. It would just take time. I got about fifteen texts back, including one from Kelsey that thanked me and told me to have him call her as soon as possible.
“Kelsey said she loves you and wants you to call her as soon as you can.”
I watched Phillip lean back against the sofa, his head knocking against the wall behind him as he closed his eyes. Then he nodded. “I’ll call her.”
Westside Series Box Set Page 105
