by Lila Younger
I’ve definitely picked up everything on the list, but then I remember that I’m low on shampoo. Carter is the kind of person who will wait until something’s run out before getting more, but I’m just the opposite. I like to have extras on hand and be prepared. If there’s anything that bugs me about him, I would say that is it. Not too bad if that’s the only thing wrong in our relationship, I think cheerfully. I wheel the cart over to the shampoo section, passing by the shelf for tampons and pads. I should probably pick up some of that too. I hadn’t gotten any when I moved in, since I figured I would buy more and…
Hm. It’s sort of been a while.
A long while.
I pause.
When exactly was the last time my period came? Was it before or after I started looking after Luna? I try to think back. It was definitely at my parent’s house. Crap. My hand goes to my belly. Could it be? Is it possible? Would it be so bad, the thought whispers from the back of my mind. You love taking care of Luna. You smiled when someone mistook us for mother and daughter at Munchies’. But that didn’t necessarily mean I was ready to be a mom.
I need to know. I wheel the cart quickly to where the pregnancy tests are. It’s sort of ironic that they have the condoms right next to the tests. I grab the first one I see, First Response, and head straight for the checkout. For some reason, I’m sort of self-conscious about buying a test, as if people would think I’m too young, so I do self-checkout instead. It takes forever because I have a whole cart of groceries, but I can’t just dump all this food and stuff behind. Finally I’ve scanned everything, loaded it into the cart, and put everything into the trunk.
I debate taking the test here or back at Carter’s home, but I don’t want to have any trace of it at the house if it’s negative. I’d feel too foolish. So I get back out of the car and go back inside Target. There’s a single stall family bathroom, and I quickly slip into it and lock the door. The instructions are simple: Pee on the stick, wait three minutes.
“Okay, no sweat Jade,” I mutter as I rip the stick out of the packaging.
I pause.
“Might as well make sure,” I say to myself as I rip out another one.
My hands are shaking, but I get it over with, cap the lids back on, and place the sticks beside the sink. Then I have to wait. Washing my hands takes fifteen seconds, which means there’s another two minutes and forty five seconds to go. I hop onto Facebook, but the first thing I see is a friend who’s posted an ultrasound picture, and that just feels too real, so I close the phone again. Instead I pace around the tight space, counting down the seconds. Finally it’s time to look, but I really don’t want to. All the thoughts swirling in my head is giving me a headache, and I can’t even tell whether I’m excited, or nervous or scared.
Finally I muster up the courage and peek. Two pink lines, clear as day. My mouth drops. I check the other one. Two lines again.
“I’m pregnant,” I say, sounding out the words. It doesn’t feel real at all. “I’m actually pregnant.”
I want to sit down, or tell someone, but I can’t do either of those things. Somehow through my daze, I manage to throw out the tests, get to my car, and drive over to Luna’s preschool. By then I manage to regain some sense of composure, enough to fool Luna anyways. I catch myself looking at her, wondering how she would feel about a little sibling. Wondering if there’s enough room in my heart to love another as much as I do Carter and Luna.
That night, as Carter reaches for me like he usually does when we’re getting ready for bed, I stop his hand with mine. My heart is in my throat, and I wonder what he’s going to say. Up until now we’ve never really discussed what we are, where our relationship is going, any of that stuff. But we’re together in bed every night, and waking up together every morning. That means something, right? I just hope he doesn’t think that I got knocked up to try and take advantage of him or something. I hope he understands it was just a silly mistake.
“Carter, I-I have to talk to you about something,” I start. “It’s important.”
He pauses and looks at me. I look into his eyes, those gorgeous blue eyes that make my knees wobble, my hand caressing the bit of scruff he’s got at the end of the day. I still can’t believe this handsome man wants me sometimes, making my heart somersault like a teenage crush. I’m so scared to lose him that I want to take back my words, but Carter isn’t one to let things go like that.
“What is it Jade?” he asks with a frown. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I say quickly. I hold his hand, drawing strength from it. “I mean, not really wrong. I mean, maybe it’s not what you want and-”
I cut myself off. I’m starting to blubber on, and I can see the confusion on Carter’s face.
“I’m pregnant.” My voice is barely a whisper. “I’m sorry.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, because I don’t want to see the disappointment or anger or whatever it is on his face.
“You’re… pregnant?”
I nod miserably.
“You’re pregnant!”
He sounds happy, and I risk at look up at him.
“You’re not angry?”
“No, of course not Jade,” he says in disbelief. “Why would you think I’d get angry? I’m already a father, but now, this time, I’ll be there from the beginning. I’m happy. Ridiculously happy.”
And it was true. He’s got this goofy grin on his face, like I’d just told him that his favorite football team’s won the Superbowl.
“I’m going to be a dad again!” he says even louder. “Jade, this is fantastic!”
He takes me into his arms, kissing me deeply.
“You mean that?” I ask in a small voice.
“Of course! We’re going to take you to the OB tomorrow,” he says. “Get you all checked out. Make sure everything is okay.”
“Alright,” I say, relaxing. His happiness is infectious, and I find myself smiling too. “I’m so glad.”
He pushes a strand of hair out of my eye.
“This baby is never going to lack for anything,” he vows. “I’ll make sure of that. And Jade, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that alone. From now on, I promise I’ll always be here for you. I don’t want you to have to feel like you can’t talk to me.” He takes my hands in his.
“I love you Jade,” he says. “I always felt like we’re a family, and now we truly will be.”
“I love you too Carter,” I say, kissing him back. “I always will.”
He tilts me back onto the pillows, his mouth trailing kisses all along my body. He pushes down the strap of my babydoll and my breast spills out. My nipples are already aching, eager to be touched. He takes it into his mouth, giving it a hard suck. I draw in a sharp breath, pleasure radiating from his hot tongue swirling around the hard nub. My pussy gives a pulse of desire, responding to Carter like a finely tuned instrument.
“Ohhh, that feels good,” I murmur.
Carter frees my other breast, his hand massaging it and rolling my nipples between his fingers. My body reacts to his touch, my pussy becoming slick and wet for him in just a few moments. I want, no need his body, his cock inside of me. I want to feel connected to him, physically as much as we are emotionally.
He runs a finger over my lace panties and brings it to his lips.
“I love how sweet you smell,” he says, before licking his finger. “And taste. Mmmm.”
He peels off my panties and I spread my legs apart for him. His hand moves lazily across my body, trailing across the tops of my things before traveling back up the inner, more sensitive flesh. It’s like a game to him, the way he teases me with the lightest touch, almost there but not quite until I feel like I’m going to go crazy. And then relief-his broad fingers dip inside my pink folds, one, two, three of them, stretching me out with expert ease. I
I moan his name softly, holding onto him as his fingertips glide over my most sensitive spot, sparking off pleasure with every touch. And then his tongu
e appears, flat against my lips, licking around my clit. It’s hot and twisty, reaching places I didn’t know existed inside of me as he scoops out my honey. The sensation ricochet’s through my body as his tongue laps me up, making me pant and shiver as he tastes me again and again. I can’t help it, my thighs clench around his head, wanting more, wanting him to go deeper. I lift my head so I can see him between my legs. It’s one of my favorite things now.
“Carter,” I warn, arching my hips toward him, hands raking through his blond hair, “I’m so close, I’m so close-”
Just when I think this is it, I can’t hold off anymore, he pulls back. Carter takes off the rest of my clothes, and pushes off his boxers. His cock is thick and veiny, dripping with precum. He pushes it up against my sensitive folds, coating himself in my slickness.
“I guess we don’t need to worry about birth control anymore,” Carter says with a grin.
“I guess not,” I say, biting my lip just a little.
He looks at me, spread out just for him. His eyes rove over my face, my breast, between my legs.
“You’re gorgeous,” he says.
“Carter,” I say softly.
He locks his gaze onto mine, lining up the head of his cock against my entrance. And then, agonizingly slowly, he sinks himself into me. I gasp, feeling myself stretch wide to accommodate him, accept him into my body. He bottoms out, then pulls back and drives himself forward, even deeper this time. Carter’s filling me up to overflowing, the only man to ever will. I give myself over to the sensations of pleasure as he snaps his hips, his cock satisfying that deep seated ache inside of me. I arch my back, my head dropping back as I moan his name. We move, hips coming together, pulling apart, coming together. It’s languid and easy and so incredibly intimate, much more than we’ve ever been. I feel open and vulnerable and connected to Carter in a way I’ve never felt before. It’s scary, but it’s also so very right.
So this is what love feels like, I think for a moment before his hand finds my clit, pressing the nub just hard enough to send us spiraling off into pleasure together, together, together. This is the future that I’m choosing, and for once in my life everything feels perfect.
Epilogue
Carter
Two months later…
Of course, I would be lying if I said that everything worked out perfectly. This is real life after all. It’s messy, and unfair, and unexpected most of the time. As the older one in the relationship, this is a lesson I already learned. But Jade was still young, and so she was much more optimistic when we went to meet her parents for the very first time. Apparently, she’d omitted the fact that we were together until just a week before. I try to warn her, but sometimes that doesn’t work. People just have to see how things turn out for themselves. All I could do was prepare for the worst.
Her parents had reacted predictably: with shock, with anger, and with hostility. It didn’t help that she also told them she was pregnant and wasn’t going to be going back to school for at least a few years. That’s a lot for any parent to take in, though they didn’t need to yell as much as I heard her mom yell. By the end of the phone call, Jade was reduced to tears, and it was all I could do to brush them away and kiss her better.
“I don’t understand,” Jade said, her voice wobbling. “I thought they would be happy for me. My mom was always bugging me to go out on a date with someone nice. And you’re the best. You’re kind, generous, caring… you’re even successful already, which I know they always admire.”
“I know,” I said, pulling her head close to my chest. “But sometimes parents get confused. They get mad because they think the kid’s actions reflect on them, even when it doesn’t. They think that if they can’t control their kid, they’ve somehow failed as parents. It doesn’t make sense, but these things rarely do.”
“You sound like you’re speaking from experience,” she says with a sniff.
“You bet. My parents were the opposite: they didn’t think I should stoop down to work. I was a Sedgwick, and that meant I should be focused on yachts and jet setting around the world. But I didn’t like that. My grandfather left me money, sure, but I believed in working for myself. And being financially independent from my parents meant I could make choices and they couldn’t cut me off to make do what they want.”
“What did they want to make you do?” Jade asks curiously. Her tears are drying up at last.
“They wanted to groom me for politics. I was supposed to marry another rich, political family’s daughter. At the time, I was in love with someone else. So I studied my ass off, got a scholarship to Columbia, and never looked back. My family eventually forgave me, and your parents will too.”
So of course, when they call demanding to have Friday dinner and meet me, I am wary. And it turns out I had good reason for it. Right away, her mother and I get off on the wrong foot. My heart sank for Jade as soon as I saw the smile that never reached the woman’s eyes. She was not going to like me. Why she would want to have an awkward dinner together, I’ll never know. It bothered her, I’m guessing, and that I was successful. Maybe it was because she thought that I’d pressured Jade into taking care of the children. In fact, it was the opposite. I tried to convince Jade to continue with school, but she didn’t want to waste any more there. At least, not until she figured out what she wanted to do. So I reluctantly agreed, telling her that whenever she wanted to go back, I would support her.
Whatever her parents believed about us, they had it stuck firmly in their heads, and no amount of talking on Jade’s part would sway their opinion. I tried to do my best to remain polite, but when she turned on Jade, all bets were off. We make it through drinks in the living room before Jade runs out of the house in tears. I do the only thing I could, holding her tight as she sobs.
After that debacle, her parents stop talking to Jade. It devastates her, not only because she’s their oldest, but because she is going to have their first grandchild and family means everything to Jade. She didn’t want her kid to grow up not knowing his or her grandparents. I hate the part that I had to play in it, and I hate the fact that her parents are so obstinate and blind that they refuse to believe their daughter is old enough to make her own decisions.
At least we have Luna to cheer us up. We buy her a little baby doll for her to carry around and practice being a big sister with, and she loves it. She carries it with her everywhere, pretending to change its diaper, rocking it to sleep, feeding it food. It’s pretty fucking adorable. I’m very glad that we did win full custody of Luna, though I was never too worried. Her mother was sleeping with a drug dealer. What judge wouldn’t transfer custody? Stacie didn’t even try to fight it like I thought she would. I guess that it was easier for her to not have to take care of a kid. I haven’t heard from her since. There are times when I wonder how I’m going to explain it to my sweet little girl when she grows up, but for now Luna has adapted wonderfully, even going so far as calling Jade her mother. I don’t correct her because I’ve already decided to marry Jade. It’s just a matter of when.
And of course, we have the ultrasounds to look forward to. It seems crazy that something the size of a little bean could bring so much happiness to Jade and I, but it did. I even buy our own little Doppler so that we can listen to the heartbeat whenever we want to. And I love watching Jade’s body swell, become soft and round and glowing. Knowing that inside that curved belly is my child, the product of my virility is a serious boost to my ego. I know one thing for sure: we’re not just going to have one baby. I want us to have a house filled with children. We even take it easy when we have sex, even though the doctor says it’s fine, because the last thing we want to do is hurt the baby.
“Let’s move,” I say to Jade over lunch after her twenty week checkup.
“Move?” she asks, digging into a huge plate of nachos. She’s craved all things Mexican. I swear when the baby’s born, it’s going to be green she’s had so much guacamole.
“Yes. Move. Maybe to Cameron Park? I hear
there are very good schools in that area for Luna. It can be a fresh start for us.”
We’ve touched on the conversation of moving here and there, but nothing concrete.
“It would be better to do it before the baby gets here, and there’s a practice I can take over there.”
She looks up in surprise.
“A practice to take over?”
“That’s right. An old guy who has no kids. I’d buy half, work with him, and then in another year or two when he retires he’ll sell the rest to me. It’s not corporate law, just basic everyday stuff like wills and things. Best part of it is that I’ll have regular hours.”
Her eyes open wide. I know that that’s been something I’ve wanted, and it’s become more and more important to Jade too. The money in my trust is enough to get us through an emergency, and pay for our children’s tuition and retirement. It’s not something I can touch if I can help it, plus there’s something about a man working and providing for his family that prevents me from doing nothing every day.
“That’s amazing,” she says. “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. I said that I want to be there for you and our children. I promised I wouldn’t miss another moment of Luna’s life. And this is the way to do it. It’ll be a fresh start for us.”
I lay down the plan as we eat, and Jade starts to get excited about it too. She even goes onto Zillow to look at the houses. That very afternoon we called up an agent to see a beautiful Cape Cod house, a two minute walk from the elementary and a fifteen minute drive to work. As soon as she walked in, Jade turns to me and says, ‘This is it. This is our forever home.’ And it turns out she’s right. Not because it is in the perfect location, or because it has crown moldings everywhere. It’s perfect because she can see already how our little family can grow in it, and that makes it perfect to me too.
*****
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