by Lisa Suzanne
“Grant?” I heard Reed’s voice.
My heart jumped up into my throat at that sound.
He was here.
He was in the same space as me.
I was going to have to figure out what the fuck I was going to say to him. And fast.
When I made this epic plan to show up unannounced at the place where he lived, I hadn’t really thought about what to say when I saw him. I just knew I needed to see him.
I threw the spoon in the bowl and stood up. His footsteps approached down the hall, and then he spotted me. He stopped short.
“Gr-Grant isn’t here,” I stuttered, unable to control the quickened pacing of my breathing.
“Oh,” was his only response. He was shocked to see me. Obviously he hadn’t seen my car parked across the street.
“Can we talk?”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so, Quinn.”
“Please?”
“I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“I have some things that I need to say to you.”
“I don’t want to hear them.”
Why were men so fucking exasperating?
“Too bad.”
He sighed in frustration, something I’d seen him do many times since I had met him. This one was different, though. He was frustrated, but he was resigned. Before it seemed like he was frustrated or annoyed by the things I said. But now he seemed frustrated by me.
“Whatever you have to say isn’t going to change anything.” He was adamant.
I felt sucker punched, but it was well-deserved. If I had been able to get over my fears and pull together my thoughts earlier, I would’ve been able to express what I needed to and we wouldn’t even be having this discussion. We’d be going out to dinner as planned and moving forward in our relationship together.
Instead, we stood in a showdown and I was fighting for a chance that I didn’t even know I wanted until a few hours earlier.
He stood in the hallway, frozen in place. I moved toward him, afraid that he would dart around me, but he didn’t. He just stayed where he was as I moved closer and closer, and when we were standing a foot apart and I could feel the heat radiating from his body, I spoke again.
“Reed, I’m so sorry for what you saw. I can only imagine how it looked, but nothing happened between Tyler and me last night or this morning. I swear to God.”
“You can only imagine how it looked?”
I nodded.
“Fuck, Quinn!” he yelled, his composure slipping as he balled up a fist and punched it into his other hand.
Those clear blue eyes flashed with fury.
“You fucking know what I saw? I saw that goddamn bartender kissing the woman who claims nothing is going on. I saw the way he held you that I can only describe as the way that I should have been holding you. After I opened up to you about what happened with Izzy, I thought you of all people would understand. I thought you would cut him out so that we could give this a try. I never thought I’d come over this morning, so excited about our date that I couldn’t even fucking wait until tonight to see you only to find you in his arms. And that’s what the fuck I saw.”
I trembled, knowing the tears forming behind my eyes were about to start falling.
“I know it’s what you saw. But it didn’t mean what you think it meant.”
“Then what did it mean?”
“I was saying goodbye to him, Reed.”
“Right. After he spent the night.”
“Let me explain.”
“You didn’t deny it.”
I was silent, unsure what to say. He was absolutely right; I couldn’t deny it because it was true. But it seemed like every time I spoke, I dug my hole a little deeper.
“And there’s my answer,” he said.
“Don’t mistake my silence as guilt.”
“Then tell me what happened.”
“Didn’t this whole conversation start with you not wanting to hear it?” Sometimes I hated myself. I hated that I was blunt, that I said exactly what I was thinking. More times than not, I loved that part of who I was. But in this instance, my lack of filter was only making things worse.
“You’re right. So just go, then.”
He moved to walk past me, but I stopped him. I pushed him against the wall just as he had done to me twice at Strikers.
His eyes flickered down to the necklace around my neck and then back up to my eyes, and I could see that he still wanted me.
I held onto the hope that I found by looking into his eyes, and then I reached up and pressed my lips to his. I was gentle; he was not.
His mouth took mine and opened immediately, hungry and greedy against me as one of his hands tangled in the hair at the nape of my neck and the other latched around my back and drew me in closer to him.
He pushed me away and belted out a loud groan.
“Just go, Quinn.”
I stared at him, unsure that I had heard him correctly.
I thought that the kiss was helping, that we were reconnecting and that he wanted to give this a try again.
“What?” I asked stupidly.
“Just go. I don’t want you here.”
“Why not?” I challenged.
“Because I hardly know you and you’ve already managed to break me.”
His words hit their mark.
I grabbed my purse and keys from Grant’s kitchen counter, and then I stalked past Reed and headed out the door.
As soon as the door shut behind me, I knew I’d made a mistake.
Well, two mistakes.
I was still hungry, and that full bowl of cereal was sitting on Grant’s table uneaten.
But my real mistake was that I should have fought harder. And now I had to live with the fact that I hadn’t tried hard enough and that I’d possibly allowed myself to lose the one person who could be meant for me. The one person who could erase the mistakes of my past and allow me a fresh start. The one person who could show me what a real relationship was.
The one person who could fix me.
CHAPTER 14
The work week dragged by slowly, but at least when I was teaching, I wasn’t focusing on my personal life.
What a goddamn joke.
Of course I was focusing on my personal life. Reed hadn’t left my mind for a second since Grant’s door shut behind me. Shit, if I was really being honest, Reed hadn’t left my mind for a second since I ran into him at my parents’ house and we played Cornhole.
I thought for about the millionth time about the sweet victory swing-hug he had given me in my parents’ backyard.
I smiled when I thought of it, and then my smile was immediately replaced with an awful feeling of regret.
If I could go back, there was so much I would do differently.
But I couldn’t go back, and Reed’s final words to me haunted me day and night: “I hardly know you and you’ve already managed to break me.”
He was right. Maybe it was my low self-esteem talking, but I truly felt like he deserved better than me. I hadn’t treated him very well from the start, and while I felt like it was good to acknowledge that I’d treated him like shit, the small admission didn’t change anything.
Avery had tried to get me to go to Strikers with her on Thirsty Thursday, but I didn’t want to see Tyler. I hadn’t spoken to him since the Sunday morning he left my apartment, the same day that I’d last spoken to Reed.
I texted my brother several times a day asking about Reed, but he tended to either ignore my texts or give me vague answers that didn’t help me to feel any better. From what I gathered, Reed had immersed himself in work and was taking a break from the dating scene. At least I didn’t have to feel the pangs of jealousy in knowing that he’d found someone else.
Thursday night found me at Veronica’s house. I sat on the couch with her while her husband put the baby to bed.
“Talk to me, Quinn. What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” I mumbled, knowing that she wasn
’t about to let me get away with that as I stared into space.
“It’s just us. You can tell me.”
“I know.” I glanced behind us to make sure Jesse wasn’t within hearing distance. This was girl talk, after all.
“Something happened on Sunday morning and I’m not dealing well.”
“What happened?”
“God, it’s such a mess. Ty told me he wanted to be more than friends with benefits.”
“I take it you didn’t want that?”
I shook my head. “Imagine Twisted Tyler as a father.”
Veronica giggled.
“Exactly.”
“So you want kids?”
I sighed. “I want what you have.”
She looked touched at my confession.
“I know how hard it was for you to get here. I know my time will come. But I see the way Jesse looks at you, Veronica. I see the love you both have for Allie. I know that someday I want those things.”
“You deserve them.”
“You’re a good friend.”
“I’m not just saying that. You haven’t had it easy, Quinn, and you deserve some happiness.”
“Thank you,” I said, suddenly becoming misty. This crying bullshit was starting to become second nature, and it was SO. NOT. ME.
“So you realized you don’t want it with Tyler. It’s Reed, isn’t it?”
My best friend knew me well. “It was Reed.”
“Was?”
I nodded miserably. “I managed to fuck that up royally.”
“How?”
“Ty and I were both emotional when we said goodbye after I broke things off with him, and Reed happened to be in the hallway witnessing our goodbye. He totally misinterpreted what he saw, and I tried to explain but he didn’t want to hear it.”
She took my hand in hers. “Then you’ve got to make him listen.”
“He told me that he hardly knows me and I’ve already broken him.”
“Ouch,” Jesse’s voice sounded behind us.
“Girl talk,” Veronica said. “Go watch sports or something.” Jesse chuckled and placed a kiss on her forehead from above.
“Can I just say one thing?” he asked.
“No,” I teased.
He smirked at me, and I felt that familiar pang of envy mixed with happiness for my friend that she landed such a grand prize.
“Speaking as the only man in the room, just because a guy is broken doesn’t mean that the right woman won’t come along to fix him.”
He gazed lovingly at his wife, and I was overcome with emotion. I wanted that. I wanted the love and kid and home. I wanted the feeling of knowing that the person I loved most in the world would always be by my side so that we could navigate the rough waters of life together. I wanted someone to gaze at me the way Jesse gazed at Veronica.
But I didn’t want just anybody to gaze at me like that.
I wanted Reed to gaze at me like that.
“Oh, Jesse,” Veronica whispered, tears springing to her eyes. He leaned over and kissed her upside down, and the unexpected display of affection between man and wife moved me. I loved witnessing how deliriously happy they made each other even after being together for a few years.
Jesse left us alone after that, but his words replayed in my mind. I had broken Reed, but maybe I could be the one to fix what I had broken.
Veronica babbled on about school, but I was completely unfocused on our conversation because all I could think about was how I had to try one more time with Reed. I had to let him know that in our time apart, my feelings for him had only intensified, and I was more certain than ever that whatever started between us was worth exploring.
And if I got hurt in the end?
Then so be it. If it meant I got to share some time with Reed, that in itself would be worth the risk.
I started my car to pull out of Veronica’s driveway and called my brother.
“What?” he answered, ever the sweet and loving brother.
“Where’s Reed?” I asked.
“How the fuck should I know?”
“What’s got your panties in a bunch?”
“My annoying sister keeps texting me asking about my roommate.”
“Sorry, not sorry. Tell me where he is.”
“I think he went to Strikers.”
Strikers? Was it possible that he had gone there looking for me?
I headed that direction. Avery was probably still there anyway, so even if my brother sent me on a wild goose chase, at least I’d have a friend there to talk to.
Unfortunately, I didn’t think about the other man who would be there until it was too late.
I hadn’t mentally prepared myself to run into Tyler, yet his eyes were the first I met when I walked in.
I shot off a quick text to Avery to find out if she was still there. Ty gave me a dirty look that I wasn’t ready to deal with. I soberly walked through the crowd of drunken idiots, knowing that I was usually one of them.
I checked the dance floor and didn’t see anyone I recognized apart from the usual Thursday crowd. I spotted Avery’s hair across the room. She was making out with someone with dark hair, and from my angle, it looked like Dorky Dark Hair – I mean Mason, Reed’s friend. And then I spotted Reese sitting with another girl who didn’t work with us.
I took a seat next to her and she smiled at me. “Hey, you,” I smiled. I nodded over to Avery, and Reese just rolled her eyes.
“Have you seen the blonde guy that is usually around the guy Avery’s making out with?” I knew my voice was hopeful, but I didn’t care.
“Yeah. I chatted with him for a while and then he excused himself. I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.”
“Awesome. Thanks, Reese.”
I scoured the bar, meeting eyes with Tyler more than once on accident, and ultimately I came to the conclusion that Reed had already left. I headed to the restroom before heading home, and when I exited the bathroom, I saw something that rocked my world.
Turned my world upside down.
Fucked over every emotion that I’d been battling for the last four days.
Raked over my heart.
All I saw was the back of Reed’s head. I recognized him by his blonde hair and perfect ass. Oh, and the white polo shirt and khaki pants. I’d never seen another man wearing that combination to a bar. At least not since 2002.
He had some girl pinned to the wall with his hips, and he was kissing her the same way he had kissed me in the same exact hallway.
The breath left my body as my vision blurred.
I had never had a panic attack outside of a claustrophobic situation, but I felt one coming on.
I couldn’t take a breath. I couldn’t move from the spot where I was planted, staring at Reed kissing a short brunette who was my exact opposite.
I was blocking the bathroom door, and some woman said, “Excuse me.”
When I didn’t move, she huffed and pushed her way around me. I barely moved during the exchange, unable to move or breathe or see anything except Reed kissing someone who wasn’t me.
Angry tears threatened. My first instinct was to grab him and claw his eyes out and then hers, but I held off. My second instinct was revenge.
I did the one thing that would hurt Reed the most.
I forced one leg in front of the other. If I could just make it to the bar, I could move onto my next task. It was a mental checklist of baby steps. Altogether, the task was daunting; but step-by-step, I could handle it.
I stood next to the employee entrance to get behind the bar and stared at Tyler until he approached me.
“Hey, Quinn.” His voice held surprise.
“Can we talk?”
He glanced at the customers seated along the bar. “Our hallway in five?”
“No. Right here. Right now.”
He ducked under the countertop and pulled me into a hug. “God, I’ve missed you.”
Those four words made me feel incredibly guilty for what I was about
to do to him, but I needed to exact my revenge.
I brushed my lips to his, not speaking because I couldn’t tell him I’d missed him without lying to him. Sure, I’d missed the sex to some extent, but apart from that, I hadn’t really thought much about him since he’d left my apartment.
My thoughts had been too consumed by another man, the blue-eyed prep who was currently making out with some slut in our hallway.
Whatever.
I hugged Tyler, realizing I felt nothing for him anymore. The sexual charge that had always crackled in the air around us was gone. It was more than likely a result of my mind and my heart being elsewhere, but in the devastation of seeing Reed with another girl, I didn’t care if the sparks were there.
I was tired of feeling bad all the time. I just wanted someone who would make me feel good. And Tyler would make me feel good. The feeling might be fleeting, but he would deliver what I needed, and that was pure, unadulterated pleasure.
Just as I moved to kiss him again, I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder, yanking me away from Ty.
I turned and was face to face with Reed.
Honestly, I was shocked that his lips had left the slut bag’s mouth long enough to care what I was up to.
Tyler looked fucking livid, and clearly he was, because his next move scared the shit out of me.
He took a swing at Reed, who managed to duck. I stood in the middle of them, and I felt my breath leave my body again as I realized the dangerous conditions I had created. I didn’t want anything to do with this situation, even though two men were about to start a fistfight.
Over me.
What the fuck?
“Reed, stop!” I screamed, and he stopped and looked over at me. Our eyes met, and his were bloodshot, tired, and haunted, but the dominant emotion I saw was sadness. He looked like he’d had a rough few days. A layer of scruff graced his normally clean-shaven cheeks and chin. Bags under his eyes proved a lack of sleep.
The timing, however, was about the worst it could possibly be, because as Reed stopped at my words, Tyler did not. He came barreling at Reed, knocking him off of unsteady feet as I looked in horror at the situation unfolding before me.
Reed was on the floor with Tyler hovering over him, ready to deliver a punch right to Reed’s face, when some bar patron grabbed Tyler up off of Reed and held him back. Reed stood and stared down Tyler. Neither of them had won; neither had come out looking like the bigger, stronger man, and I just cowered where I stood as I stared at the complete and utter chaos that I had created.
