Side Effects

by Lisa Suzanne

  I barely tasted the pot roast and mashed potatoes that Mary had prepared because I couldn’t stop thinking about time passing. The more time that passed and the healthier he became, the closer we moved toward the time when I’d have to end things.

  I didn’t want to end it with him.

  The more time I spent with him, the more I fell in love with him.

  But that only told me that I needed to do what was best for him.

  So I slapped on a smile and faked some happiness. Wine helped a little (whiskey helped more), but all it did was mask the turmoil inside of me.

  Before his parents left for the airport the next morning, they stopped by to say goodbye. On their way out the front door, they handed me a small box. Grant was at work and Reed was in bed, so it was just the three of us.

  “We wanted to thank you for all you’ve done for our Reed,” Mary said, pulling me into a hug.

  “This really isn’t necessary,” I said, my eyes locking with Ray’s as I hugged Mary.

  “We know that,” Ray said. “But you make Reed happier than we’ve ever seen him. Even with the injuries, he’s smiling and it’s because of you.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured.

  “Open it,” Mary said, her voice excited.

  I pulled the lid off of the box and found a bracelet. I pulled it out of the box and saw owl charms joined by a thin, silver chain. It was simple, elegant, and so completely me.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, and I unclasped it and handed it to Mary. She clasped it onto my wrist for me, and I shook out my wrist and gazed at its perfection.

  “No, Quinn. Thank you.” She smiled and kissed my cheek, and then they left and I went to Reed’s room and watched him sleep, knowing I had to return to work the next day and feeling the despair that came with knowing that our time together was going to end all too soon.

  CHAPTER 21

  When I got home from work, I found Reed in bed reading. I smiled at the way he focused on his book, his eyebrow furrowed as his lips twisted to one side in concentration.

  He glanced up and saw me in the doorway. “Hey, sexy.” He set his book down.

  “Hey.”

  “How was your day?”

  “Fine.”

  “Come here.” He motioned me over toward the bed, and I moved from my spot in the doorway and sat on the bed next to him.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked, brushing my knuckles against his cheek. He leaned into my touch, and I died a little inside at the sweet and intimate gesture.

  “A little better today. I can stand up without feeling like I’m going to die, so that’s progress.”

  I flinched at his words as the guilt permeated through me.

  He leaned over toward me and kissed my cheek, and I savored the feel of his lips on my skin. I memorized it, because I’d need that memory in the dark days that were sure to follow.

  “What’s wrong, Quinn?” he murmured.

  I shook my head and forced a smile. “Nothing, Randy Reed.”

  “Randy?”

  “Yeah. Like random.”

  He smiled. “I’m feeling a little randy right now.”

  I glanced down at the semi forming in his pants, and then I rolled my eyes.

  “That’s not the reaction a guy looks for.”

  “You’re not healed enough. What if your stitches pop open or your ribs break more?”

  “My ribs won’t break more. I’m not quite that fragile.”

  “You’re my delicate man. I have to take care of you.”

  “I got something you can take care of,” he said, a wicked grin spreading across his lips as he grabbed the semi that had now formed into a full hard-on.

  “And how, exactly, do you propose we do this?” I wasn’t going to pretend for a second like I didn’t want it. I’d had to take care of myself in the shower the past few mornings.

  Like Kinky Quinn could go more than forty-eight hours without an orgasm. Right. I was itching for his hands to be all over me, leaving the magical tingles that only he knew how to deliver.

  God, I wanted him so bad.

  I didn’t want to hurt him, but I knew that I wasn’t going to last much longer without getting some action from him.

  “What about when your muscles all tense up? Won’t that hurt?”

  “Fine,” he conceded. I was right, even though both of us hated it. “What if I just take care of my girl, then?”

  My girl.

  My heart did that little flip-floppy thing again and I wondered for about the millionth time how I was going to do what I knew I had to.

  I leaned in and pressed my lips to his, and he grabbed the back of my head and pulled me closer to him. His tongue found mine, and I realized how much I’d missed this closeness while he was out of commission.

  That weird indigestion thing permeated my chest again, that feeling that I only had when I was around Reed.

  Somehow he’d turned this strong, independent, tough girl into a sentimental, sappy idiot in love who only wanted what was best for him. What the fuck?

  I slept beside him every night, cautiously gentle as his ribs healed. Each morning when I woke up for work, I leaned over and kissed him softly as he lay beside me, and then he held up his palm and I pressed my own palm to his. He laced his fingers through mine and then brought our joined hands to his lips, and my heart felt like it was going to burst with love.

  It was two more weeks before he was healthy enough for sex. Two of the longest weeks of my life.

  It was a Thursday night. Reed had told me the night before that he felt good enough to return to work.

  He wouldn’t need me taking care of him anymore once he was healthy, so I cherished the long wait, knowing that our impending end was getting closer and closer with each passing second.

  He had asked if we could spend the night at my place that Thursday night, and I agreed. He said that if he was good enough to return to work, he was good enough for sex.

  I was ecstatic at the idea of sex with the master of my heart, but the misery I’d pushed to the back of my mind started taking over my thoughts.

  I’d do it over the weekend. That would give me time to grieve, time to get over it before I had to return to work on Monday.

  I’d do it the next night.

  I still believed in my heart that I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t let someone good and sweet and pure get mixed up with a fucking train wreck like me. I just wasn’t good enough for him. I’d find a new Tyler, maybe someone who wasn’t quite such an asshole, and I’d move forward. Eventually.

  And so we ate our dinner together, I pasted on the façade that I was fine and we were fine, and then we were drinking wine and sitting on the couch talking when things took a turn toward the hot.

  “Should you be mixing wine with your painkillers?” I asked.

  He shrugged, and this time he managed the shrug without the horrible grimace. “I’m weaning myself off the drugs. The wine just intensifies their effect.”

  “So you’re going to fall asleep on me?”

  “After I get my turn inside of you, maybe.”

  I grinned. “So it’s time?”

  “It’s time.”

  “Is that why you wanted to come here tonight?” I asked, motioning around my apartment.

  He nodded. “So I could come here,” he said, brushing his fingertips against the seam of my jeans at the juncture of my thighs.

  “You’re naughty.” I glanced up at his eyes, and they held this sexy little wicked glint that I wasn’t used to seeing from my Preppy Porter.

  “You make me naughty.”

  “You make me want to do naughty things.”

  “Quinn, you liked doing naughty things long before you met me. But I am quite enjoying being the new benefactor of all of your talents.”

  I grinned as I stood, taking his wineglass and my own and setting them on the table.

  And then I carefully straddled his thighs, watching his face for any sign of discomfort. And
when I saw none, only lust, I knew that the time was finally right for us.

  He held both of his palms up, and I immediately pressed my palms to his. He laced his fingers through mine. I let go of his hands and placed my palms on either side of his face, feeling the soft stubble there as his eyes held mine captive. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his.

  I felt his hand on the back of my head, as if he pulled me closer it would give him better access to my mouth as his opened to mine.

  My stomach felt a mixture of somersaults, tingles, and fireworks when Reed kissed me like that.

  I knew it was because I loved him, and that realization struck me down every single time the thought entered my brain. As he kissed me, it was my own goodbye. I knew this night would be our last night together, and I concentrated every single emotion I felt into our connection. I wanted him to feel how much I loved him, how much I needed him, and how much I was going to die without him.

  His hands wandered to the hem of my shirt, and he pulled it over my head. I unsnapped my bra and threw it to the floor, and he leaned forward and kissed the skin between my breasts.

  “This might be my favorite part of your entire body,” he whispered against my skin, pressing another gentle kiss.

  I held onto the back of his head with both of my hands as he kissed me. I pulled him close, loving the feel of his soft scruff grazing against my skin.

  He nuzzled my breast, and I reached down to help pull his white polo shirt off. His bruises were mostly healed, though shadows of them still remained around his ribs. His muscles were still firm despite the lack of exercise over the past few weeks. He grunted, still in a fairly good measure of pain, as I pulled his shirt over his head.

  “You sure you’re okay to do this?” I asked.

  He arched his hips up into me. “I’m not fucking stopping now,” he growled.

  God, I’d badly misjudged this one from the very start.

  Maybe he didn’t look like the bad boys I was used to sleeping with, but that low growl out of him when he was so full of desire for me was hotter than any sexual encounter I had ever had before him. Ever.

  I stood and pulled off his shoes and socks before I helped him out of his khaki pants, pulling his boxer briefs down with them. Reed Porter sat naked on my couch, and what a stunning visual it was.

  I pulled off my own jeans and mounted the sex god on my couch.

  I forced away the thoughts about what I needed to do the next day as I focused on the feeling of his fingertips trailing across my skin.

  He still wasn’t completely healed and his mobility was limited, so I took control as I lowered myself down onto his waiting cock.

  “Jesus Christ,” he cursed on a moan.

  “Fuck, Reed,” I murmured, and he pulled my torso closer as he nuzzled the valley between my breasts again.

  I balanced myself with my hands on his shoulders, and he wrapped his arms around me, groaning. I wasn’t sure if he was in pain or if this was pleasure for him, but it was most certainly pleasure for me. I pushed off his shoulders and ground back down, the movement hitting me in just the right spot to drive me deliciously close to the edge of the cliff.

  I started moving faster, setting a rhythm while I tried to be gentle. I couldn’t wait until he was fully healed and we could have the kind of rough sex I was craving from him.

  And just as I had that thought, I realized that I couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

  Because I was going to end things the next day.

  It had to be in the morning. There was no way I’d make it through the day knowing that I had to do it, dreading what was coming.

  He arched up hard into me again, pushing me over the edge, and I screamed out as I shattered into a million pieces around him. I felt warmth swell inside of me as he yelled out my name, reverence attached to long, throaty moan.

  I leaned forward gently as he settled back into the couch. I didn’t want to move from that spot, because once our bodies disconnected, that would be it. It would be the last time for us. The very thought of that sent a ripple of fear through me.

  I really wasn’t sure how I was going to live without him.

  He held onto me, his arms tight around me, his face pressed against my chest. I leaned down and buried my face in his neck, my lips against his skin as tears streamed down my face.

  He gently pushed me back and I lifted off of him so we were no longer connected.

  And then I couldn’t stop crying.

  He brushed a tear away, but it was immediately followed by another one. They came too fast for him to keep up.

  He gazed at me with concern. “What’s wrong, Quinn?” he asked softly, a flicker of fear in those beautiful blue eyes.

  I couldn’t speak, so I just held onto him as tightly as I could, knowing I’d need to set him free in the morning.

  He stroked a pattern up my back until I calmed down. “Talk to me. Please.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “I see the demons in your eyes that I used to see before you finally decided to give me a chance. They’re back. What’s wrong, Quinn? What are you thinking about?”

  He knew.

  He knew me well enough to sense that I was hiding something.

  He read it in my eyes, and I couldn’t hide from him. Somehow he’d stripped away the layers that I’d built around my heart to protect myself, and he saw right through me.

  I’d never let anyone get close enough to see the real me, to see past the façade I wore of the tough, bitchy, sarcastic girl unaffected by life.

  But he saw it, and I hadn’t even realized that I’d let him in.

  And now I was about to let him go.

  I took a shaky breath, not sure what to say. I needed one last night with him. “I just missed this,” I said, a feeble excuse for the ridiculous sobbing that had just taken place.

  “I did, too. I missed you. I missed making love to the woman I love.”

  He held up both hands, and I pressed my palms to his. He laced his fingers through mine and brought both hands to his lips and kissed them as the guilt hit me. The edges of panic started setting in, but I focused on his eyes and took a deep breath to counteract the anxiety.

  It worked for the moment, but I wasn’t sure what was going to happen the next day when I no longer had those blue eyes to comfort me.

  CHAPTER 22

  I didn’t sleep all night. Instead, I obsessed over what I’d say when morning came. I had to time it right. I had to say my piece and then leave for work, because I knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t going to just accept me breaking things off with him.

  I had no clue how I would get through the day at work knowing that I was ending the best thing that ever happened to me, but I had to believe that the misery I would endure was in his best interest. And knowing that I was protecting the man I loved more than I had ever loved anyone before was enough for me.

  So I showered and then Reed did. I did my make-up while Reed shaved next to me. I dried my hair while he brushed his teeth.

  This was all so normal. Little did the man beside me know what was about to come.

  “You’re quiet this morning,” he commented after he finished brushing his teeth.

  “Just thinking about work,” I lied. Each moment that passed brought me closer to the time I’d have to say that it was over. My heart felt like it might pound right out of my chest.

  I was nervous as shit to tell him that it was over.

  I didn’t want to. I wanted to stop myself and start over and find a way to make it work.

  But I thought back to the Vicodin drug facts sheet and the side effects.

  The side effects of being with me were too hard on Reed. I was done hurting him, and I was done allowing him to be hurt because of me.

  We stood in my entryway, about to leave, when Reed hugged me. I held on tightly. We both had to get to work, so it was time.

  I pressed my lips to his, and together we walked down to our cars. I set my purse in my car and
held onto my keys. Reed was about to get into his car when I spoke.

  “Um, can we talk for a second?”

  He glanced up at me. “About what?”

  I walked toward him, and he met me in the middle. We stood between our cars, and he pulled me into another hug.

  I pushed him away, and he winced as I realized I’d pushed him near his ribs without thinking. “God, I’m sorry,” I said, managing to hurt him just one more time.

  “It’s fine,” he muttered.

  “I keep hurting you. And I’m going to stop right now.”

  His eyes met mine. “What?”

  “I can’t keep doing this to you.”

  “Doing what?” He looked genuinely confused.

  “Hurting you.”

  “When did you hurt me?”

  “I hurt you when you thought I’d slept with Tyler. You were attacked because of me. I just pushed you and hurt you. It seems like no matter what I do, I end up hurting you. So I’m going to stop.”

  “Quinn, what the fuck are you saying?”

  “I’m saying it’s over. I’m done. I can’t be with you because I’m not good for you. You deserve better.”

  “I deserve happiness, just like every human being. And you make me happy.”

  “How can you say that? All I ever seem to do is bring you pain. Reed, I’m done. I’m putting someone else first for once in my life.”

  “I am happy with you.”

  I shook my head. “I have to get to work.”

  “What is this about?”

  “It’s about me ending this. It’s over. I want you to be happy, and that will never happen with me.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Quinn.” He shook his head. “You’re not ending this.”

  I gazed at him for one last moment, memorizing everything about him. My eyes found his, and his were full of confusion.

  Mine were full of pain.