Side Effects

by Lisa Suzanne

  “I’m still on painkillers.”

  “How bad is the pain?”

  “Like a three or four out of ten.”

  “If you don’t feel like you just got run over by a train, you’re fine.”

  “The thought of being without you pushes it to the run over by a train level.”

  “Stop being dramatic.”

  “I’m not.”

  “God dammit, Reed. We both know this is temporary. It’s just easier to end it now before we’re in too deep.”

  “For one, there’s nothing easy about ending this. And for another thing, I’m in too deep. I’m in fucking deeper than I’ve ever been, and I don’t think you realize how permanent this is.”

  “You don’t know that,” I muttered.

  “Know what?”

  “That this is permanent.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “You can’t possibly know that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because nothing lasts forever, Reed.”

  “Correction, my beautiful Quinn. Nothing wrong lasts forever.”

  “That’s exactly my point. This thing between us is wrong.”

  “Then how come it feels right?”

  I didn’t have an answer for him because he had a point, and it was a damn good point. Everything about us together felt right except for the fact that I would only hurt him more the longer I allowed us to stay together.

  I knew I was being stupid and I knew I was being stubborn, but I wasn’t willing to change it. I was stuck on the idea that us apart was healthier for him, and I was trying to stay true to my need to protect him. And I was protecting my own heart by ending it sooner rather than everything blowing up on me later.

  We pulled into my parents’ driveway next to Grant’s car. I rushed out of the car to the front door, and I rang the bell while Reed put the car in park. I didn’t look back.

  My mom greeted me with a hug. “Thank God. I was just sick when you said you two had broken up.” She looked beyond me at Reed.

  “We aren’t back together. It’s over.”

  She sighed and then rushed past me. I turned to see what she was doing and found her helping Reed out of the car. It appeared that his ribs were still in quite a bit of pain, and seeing him struggle tied my stomach up in knots.

  I headed inside, ignoring both of them, and lay across my parents’ couch. I heard everyone’s voices as they gathered in the kitchen. My dad was mixing pancake batter and my mom was pouring mimosas, and I was lying on the couch by myself in the next room as I listened to their laughter and felt more confused than I’d ever felt in my life.

  He wouldn’t accept what I told him, and I didn’t understand his persistence. If someone told me it was over, I wouldn’t have seen the point in fighting for it.

  That was the thought that made me realize how much I meant to Reed. He was willing to fight for us because he believed that what we had was worth it. That it was forever.

  Permanent, as he had said.

  But permanent had never been part of my vocabulary. Permanent was always some idealistic dream. I had always moved from one guy to the next, having fun bed hopping, never wanting something serious.

  I was getting older and I was starting to want different things, but the idea of permanence still scared the shit out of me.

  I thought back to Jesse and Veronica and the way they loved each other. I thought about what it would be like to have that in my own life; someone waiting for me at home, someone who cared about what happened during my day, someone who knew me inside and out and loved me anyway.

  And just as I had the thought that I would like that in my life, I realized that I already had it.

  Someone waiting for me at home, like Reed had been that morning when I got home from spending the night at Veronica’s.

  Someone who cared about what happened during my day, like Reed did when he listened to me complain about my students or how my lesson had failed or how I sat in a pointless meeting.

  Someone who knew me inside and out, like Reed did when I confessed my relationships with Griffin and Jared to him – something I’d never really told anybody else, and yet he loved me anyway.

  I did have those things, I realized, and I was pushing those things away because it was safer for both of us.

  Love came with risks.

  And now I had to figure whether Reed was right and permanence would be worth the risk, or if I was right and it was just temporary for us.

  “Curley Q?” I heard my dad yell from the kitchen.

  “Yeah?” I yelled back.

  “How many pancakes?”

  “Two.”

  “They’re about ready.”

  I forced myself up off of the couch and joined my family plus Reed in the kitchen. I threw back a mimosa, knowing that it would help calm the tumultuous thoughts running through my head, and I realized immediately that I hadn’t eaten anything the night before.

  Great. So I’d apparently be heading home drunk with Reed after brunch.

  My head was already foggy when we sat down, but that didn’t stop me from slamming two more mimosas while we ate.

  I didn’t participate in the conversation unless I was directly asked a question. My brother tried to tease me, but the death look I shot him shut him up pretty quickly. I was crabby, tired, a little tipsy, and heartbroken. It didn’t matter that I was doing it to myself; it still hurt like hell.

  After we ate, Grant and my dad dragged out the Cornhole game. Reed kept score since he couldn’t play, and my dad was my teammate. That meant Grant and I stood next to each other. We were on the opposite side of the yard from Reed, and as soon as we stood out of hearing distance, Grant started the quiet grilling.

  “What the fuck is going on with you two?” he muttered.

  “I broke it off with him.”

  “Why?”

  “I have my reasons.”

  “Well they’re stupid.”

  “You’re stupid.”

  “Real mature, Quinn.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Can’t you see that you’re perfect together?”

  “Shut up.”

  “No. Someone needs to make you see what a mistake you’re making.”

  “Oh, and that’s going to be you?”

  He shrugged. It was our turn to throw, so our conversation was put on pause until our round was over.

  “Look, I’ve known him a long time. I’ve never seen him like he is when he’s with you.”

  “Like I’m going to take advice from someone who has a different woman in his bed every other night.”

  “You’re such a bitch sometimes.”

  “As are you, Grant.”

  “I don’t know what he sees in you.”

  I ignored that comment.

  “All I know is that when he got home from work last night, he was a mess, and when I saw him with you this morning, he was fine. You fix him. You make him better. You do something to him that I’ve never seen before.”

  “I hurt him. I cause him pain.”

  “So what? Life’s painful.”

  “Not like this. He got his ass kicked because of me.”

  “He got his ass kicked because he tried to start something with Tyler in Tyler’s own bar. It wasn’t because of you.”

  “They were fighting over me.”

  It was our turn to throw again, so we paused our conversation. Grant was kicking my ass; good thing my dad met him point for point, because I wasn’t doing much to help the team.

  “It’s a little egotistical of you to think that.”

  “To think what? That they were fighting over me?”

  He nodded. “They were guys being guys.”

  “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The end result was that Reed got hurt.”

  “So what? You’ll both get hurt. That’s life. Don’t you want someone there who can help fix you when life gets in the way?”

  I shrugged, wondering when my asshole brother had gotten so godda
mn smart. “Don’t you?” I countered.

  “Did Mom and Dad fuck us up that much?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That neither of us wants something serious. Is it genetic?”

  I chuckled. “No. Griffin and Jared fucked me up.”

  He nodded. “Rachelle fucked me up.”

  “Who the fuck is Rachelle?”

  It was his turn to chuckle.

  “Nobody.”

  We threw our beanbags again, and Grant easily sailed three bags right into the bull’s-eye, ending the game with a victory.

  So I guess it wasn’t some rare trait we inherited. My brother and I had both been burned in the past, and I realized that I learned something new about my brother. Maybe he wasn’t such an asshole after all. Maybe we were more alike than I realized.

  I found myself in the car on the way home with Reed pondering everything. Maybe I’d made a mistake and maybe I’d been hasty, but I needed more time. I needed to think things through, and I needed to do that away from Reed, to miss him and to come to that realization on my own – not because he was distracting me with those blue eyes.

  He pulled into a space in my parking lot and cut the engine.

  “Thanks for the ride,” I said, pulling the door handle.

  His hand found my arm and pulled. “Reed,” I sighed. “You promised you’d take me home and leave me alone.”

  “I know. And I will. But you have to do something in exchange.”

  I rolled my eyes. “What?”

  He leaned toward me, wincing slightly. “Kiss me,” he whispered.

  “No.” My voice was firm, but my resolve was weakening.

  “Then let me kiss you.”

  I turned toward the door, knowing that his lips on mine would not help me make a rational decision.

  “Quinn.” His voice was a low growl, and I turned back to look at him. He had moved in closer than I realized, and before I could stop him, he grabbed the back of my head and pulled me toward him, his lips colliding with mine.

  I let him kiss me, mostly because I didn’t want to stop it. I loved his hand on my head. I loved his lips on mine. I loved breathing him in.

  I loved him.

  But that stupid brain of mine won out again. I pulled back and got out of the car, slamming the door behind me angrily and storming to my apartment.

  How dare he just take a kiss from me?

  And fuck it all, why did I want to be back in that fucking car with his lips all over my body?

  I was alone once again, but this time it was with reminders everywhere. I walked slowly through my apartment just remembering. I was interrupted from my reminiscing when my phone beeped with a text from Avery.

  Are you with your hunky nerd or are we going out tonight?

  I chuckled. Good old Avery.

  Alone tonight. Not up for going out.

  Alone means we’re going out. I’ll swing by in a cab at 9:00. Be slutty and ready.

  Fantastic. So apparently my night had been planned.

  I ignored the “slutty” comment as I got dressed, settling on a demure white sweater and a pair of jeans.

  Avery texted me five minutes after nine to let me know she was a minute away, and I sauntered outside just as the cab pulled up to the curb.

  “Where are we going?” I asked, settling into the back with her. She had slut it up, wearing a sparkly low cut black tank and skinny jeans.

  “Not Strikers,” she grinned.

  “Agreed.”

  “That new sports bar around the corner from Strikers.”

  “Locker Room? A sports bar?”

  “I figured you wouldn’t want to go to Strikers. Hot guys go to sports bars. Seems like an easy decision to me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m not up for this tonight.”

  “What’s going on with you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Do it anyway.”

  I sighed. “I broke up with Reed, but I think I made the wrong decision.”

  “Why did you break up with him?”

  “Because he deserves better.”

  “Better than you? Are you serious?”

  I gazed out the window without answering.

  “Quinn, when you were with Tyler, we all kept telling you that you could do better. And you found better. You can’t just let him go because you’re scared.”

  It was surprising to hear this coming from Avery. She was the one person who I could count on that wanted me to be perpetually single, and even she was pushing me toward a relationship with Reed.

  All our conversation managed to do was give me more to think about, and it was just more that I wasn’t sure I wanted to think about.

  I couldn’t help but think of Tyler as we passed by Strikers. Had he moved to California yet?

  Should Reed press charges?

  He was stupid not to. He deserved justice for what had happened. I remembered his sentiment about Tyler not ending up with me.

  I stared at the sidewalk where Reed and I had fought, and I remembered us getting into a cab. I remembered straddling him, and I remembered an intimate moment where he fingered the owl necklace he’d given me – the same necklace I’d automatically put on this evening before heading out for my night with Avery.

  We arrived at our destination and walked into the Locker Room, a newish sports bar. We found two empty stools at the bar and placed our orders – a glass of Pinot Grigio for me and a rum and Coke for Avery. I sipped while she slammed, and after a while, two men made their way over to us.

  “Have you met Joey?” some guy asked me, motioning to his friend.

  Joey had a tattoo on his bicep, the bottom of which was just barely visible beneath the sleeve of his black t-shirt. These two were slightly more my type than a certain blonde I knew with the bluest eyes I’d ever seen, but they just weren’t doing it for me.

  “Did you just steal a line from the television show How I Met Your Mother?” I asked.

  Joey and the guy who introduced them glanced at each other.

  “Maybe,” Joey said.

  “Not quite as legen– wait for it –dary as you thought it would be,” I said.

  “So you watch that show, too?” Joey asked.

  I nodded.

  “See, we already have one thing in common,” Joey grinned at me.

  God. This was the pool that was out there. I missed Reed more and more with every passing second.

  “Carl, I told you we needed to go with the shirt tag pick up line,” Joey said to his friend.

  “Try it,” I said.

  Joey looked at the tag inside the neck of my sweater.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, playing into his game.

  “Just checking to see if you were made in heaven.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I think I like the How I Met Your Mother line better.”

  “Me, too. I’m Joey.”

  “I gathered that,” I said with a smirk. Jokester Joey. Maybe Jerkoff Joey. I wasn’t sure yet.

  The seat next to me opened and he sat. His friend started chatting up Avery.

  “I’ve got one more line.”

  I glanced over at him, trying to show disinterest on my face. He ignored it.

  “How much does a polar bear weigh?”

  I shrugged.

  “Enough to break the ice. Are you going to tell me your name?” he asked.

  “Quinn,” I said, refraining from rolling my eyes. I watched the television screen above the bar, bored with the conversation with Joey.

  “Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.”

  Oh God. It got worse and worse. “Look, Joey. You seem like a nice enough guy. I’m just not in a place for meeting someone new.”

  “Perfect. I’m not looking for anything serious.”

  I glanced over at Avery. She seemed enraptured by Joey’s friend Carl.

  “I’m not looking for anything at all,” I replied, trying to be clear for someone who wasn’t getting it.


  “Well our friends seem to be hitting it off.”

  “It would appear so.”

  “So at least we can entertain each other while they get to know each other.”

  “You don’t want to get to know me.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Broken heart?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Talk to Joey.”

  What man over the age of fifteen referred to himself in the third person? Seriously? This was the type of bullshit I had to deal with when I really just wanted to be in my sweat pants at home. With Reed by my side. And a huge glass of wine from a bottle that would cost less than I paid for one glass at the bar.

  “Joey, you seem sweet, but I’m not really in the mood. Avery dragged me out tonight.”

  “And you don’t want to make the best of it while you’re here?”

  I shrugged. “I’m good.”

  I pulled my phone out, figuring he’d get the hint, but he didn’t.

  “I just broke up with my girlfriend,” he confided.

  “I don’t care.” Okay, that’s what I wanted to say, but I held back. I figured silence was nicer than the comment I really wanted to make.

  “Yeah, she was getting too serious and I was all like, ‘Whoa, girl, slow it down.’ You know?”

  I nodded and continued scrolling through my phone. I wanted Reed to text me. I wanted him here with me. I wanted to feel happy again instead of the confusion that had plagued me since… really since Reed had gotten attacked.

  I was surprised, quite frankly, that he hadn’t attempted to contact me at all. But he’d promised to leave me alone, and so far, he had.

  I didn’t really want him to leave me alone. I wanted him to fight to get me back, because as Joey sat next to me and hit on me in the bar, I realized that I didn’t want to be with some other guy.

  The only guy I wanted to be with was Reed.

  His blue eyes were with me everywhere I went. He was constantly on my mind, and I was glad that he was unwilling to allow me to make the huge mistake of ending what we were just beginning.

  I wanted to run to him, to hold him and tell him that I’d been wrong.

  But I was stuck at a bar with Avery and apparently Joey and I’d pushed Reed away. My only hope was that I hadn’t pushed him too far.

  It had to be the wine talking.