Kismetology

by Jaimie Admans

  "C’mon Baby, up." I pat the dinner table in my mum’s dining room, open a tray of dog food, and start forking dog-sized mouthfuls towards Baby.

  This could really work out.

  Baby barks in agreement.

  I’m beginning to wonder if my mum has her house set up with CCTV or something, because it seems every time I’m here, she comes home.

  "Hi Mac," she calls from the hallway.

  "Hey, you’re home early."

  "Yeah, Ron has to work in the morning so I thought I’d leave and let him get a good night’s sleep. What are you doing here?"

  "Oh, just feeding Baby his supper," I lie. The truth is that Baby ate about two hours ago, but I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I sat down, let the dog curl up on my lap, and flicked the TV on, wanting to do anything to avoid facing Dan just yet.

  "It’s way too late for him to be eating, Mackenzie. You should have fed him hours ago, you know that."

  I don’t reply, opting instead to be enthralled by the program on TV.

  Mum clicks her tongue at me. She’s annoyed. "What are you watching? It looks interesting."

  I glance towards it. I actually have absolutely no idea what’s on. "I don’t know, I was just channel surfing."

  "Is everything okay? You haven’t had an argument with Daniel, have you?" I think she sounds a bit too hopeful that it might be that.

  "No," I lie.

  "It’s okay if you have, you know, Mac. You can always move back in here."

  "We haven’t argued," I snap.

  She stares at me intensely for a moment then carries on taking her coat off and kicking her shoes out of the way.

  "So, how’re things with Ron?" I ask, taking a deep breath to calm myself down.

  "Fantastic," she says. "He’s wonderful. Ever such a nice man. We’re meeting at the park on Sunday to introduce Baby and Daisy."

  "Daisy?"

  "His dog. The Chinese Crested. She’s a lovely little girl."

  "That’s good," I say, not really listening.

  "Mac, what’s wrong with you tonight?"

  "Nothing," I say. "I should get going."

  "Okay." Mum looks at me again, like she can see right through me. "Just remember your room is always here for you. Always."

  That makes me get all teary again, and I’m almost tempted to give in and say that I’ll stay overnight, but Mum says, "It’ll do you good to get away from that idiot of a boyfriend you’ve got."

  This just makes me angry. "Thanks for the offer, but I’ll get going now," I say, stoically.

  I give her a quick hug and leave, before I either throw something or break down in tears. It’s just after eleven when I walk quietly up the road and I kind of hope that Dan has already gone to bed so we can just brush it under the carpet for the time being.

  No such luck. Typically, Dan is sitting on the sofa, feet up on the coffee table, TV remote in his hand.

  "I wondered when you’d get back," he says, nonchalantly.

  "How’d you know where I was?"

  "I figured you were at your mother’s. Your car is still outside."

  Oh.

  "I’m sorry," he says, flicking the television off and leaning forward. He pats the sofa beside him. "Come and sit down, Mac. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to argue with you."

  I reluctantly give in and go to sit beside him. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and kisses my hair. "Sorry," he whispers again.

  I decide to cut him a break, seeing as he has had the decency to apologise first. "It’s okay," I say. "I’m sorry too. But I expect a bit of support from you, Dan. I really want to do this, and I do need your help."

  "If it’s what you want," he says. It sounds disingenuous to me, but he’s said it, that’s what’s important.

  "I have it all figured out," I say. "I was thinking about it just now. You know the first guy I met, Jeff? Jenni from work’s father?"

  "Yeah." Dan nods slowly.

  "Well, I saw him again the other day, and he’s still single but not really looking. He’s exactly the type of person I need. So I figure I’ll ask him to be a test subject for me, and I’ll find him a date and see how it works out. If it works, then I’ll go for it. Do you think that’s a good idea?"

  "So… Wait. You’re doing this with women as well? You’re going to try finding women for blokes too?"

  "Yeah," I say. "Why not? I mean, I need all the clientele I can get, I shouldn’t just be finding men only. I can do it the other way around too."

  "How will that work? Are you going to date the women like you’ve been dating the men?"

  I shrug. "Maybe not exactly the same way, but yeah, why not? I can meet women for a coffee or something, have a chat, and figure out if they’re compatible."

  "Where are you going to find all these people? The same way you’ve found the ones for your mum?"

  "I guess so. Unless anyone has any other bright ideas. And maybe I should say that the clients can specify where they want their potential dates found or something. And there will be my client list too. Any people I’m trying to set up might be compatible with other people I’m trying to set up."

  "Wow," Dan says. "You’re going to be like a proper little matchmaker."

  I smile.

  I'm only just realising how involved in this I've become. I can't say matchmaking has always been my dream career because I've never had a dream career, but I've set up friends with other friends over the years, and never realised how much I've enjoyed doing it. Okay, sure, recently there have been a few bad dates, but seeing Mum happy makes them fade into the background.

  "I have a question," Dan says. "What if someone sees an ad or something they like, you date the guy and decide he’s an asshole, and they don’t agree with you and want to meet him anyway? Oh, and what about the whole opposites attract thing? How can you tell if certain people will get on when you don’t even know them?"

  "Firstly, maybe it’s not about deciding whether people will or will not get on, it’s about deciding which ones won’t get on. The client can decide from there. The whole point of this is that the clients have to trust me, otherwise they wouldn’t need my personal matchmaking. This is not about finding just any old man that any woman can find for herself. This is about finding the perfect man. Or the perfect woman. Either way. Anyone can look through personal ads and reply to the messages that look promising. This is about me replying to the messages that look promising, and figuring out whether they’re a waste of time or not."

  "Hmm," Dan says. He doesn’t sound convinced, but I am. I suddenly feel like I have a purpose in life again, and I am going to make this work, come hell or high water.

  "So, how about this Jeff guy?" Dan asks.

  "Yeah. Jenni’s dad. I guess all I have to do is find him and persuade him to be my guinea pig."

  "That sounds easy," Dan says, sarcastically.

  CHAPTER 33

  "I don’t suppose your dad is coming to pick you up tonight, is he?" I ask Jenni at lunchtime on Monday.

  "Yes, he is actually. Why? You’re not still trying to set him up with your mother, are you?"

  "No," I say. "But I have an idea I want to run by him, it’s nothing really, just… Oh, what the hell." I decide to tell her anyway. "What I’ve been doing for my mum, you know, with the men, I want to try doing for other people. If it works out, it would be an amazing business venture. I thought I could start with your dad, seeing as he’s so nice. Do you think he’d be up for something like that?"

  "What? Being set up on blind dates with hand picked women?"

  I nod.

  "Yeah, I don’t see why not. And if he says no then I’ll give him a shove in the right direction."

  "You’d do that for me?"

  "Sure," she says. "I trust you enough that I’m sure you know what you’re doing."

  "I wouldn’t go that far. But I do need a guinea pig, and he’s perfect."

  She nods.

  I finish with my clients early that night—I know the job s
o well I can do it with my eyes closed—not literally, mind you, or there would be all manner of things painted on clients nails, and probably half way up their arms, too. But it bores me, and I want a challenge. And I am currently waiting for my challenge to walk through the door. I’m sitting in the waiting area with what I hope is not a predatory look on my face, pretending to shuffle through magazines when Jeff walks in the door.

  "Hey you," I say, grinning widely.

  "Finished early again?" He asks me, glancing towards Jenni who is still finishing off a woman’s highlights.

  "I was waiting for you, actually. I have something I want to ask you."

  "Uh oh."

  "No, it’s nothing bad. I hope. I don’t think so anyway."

  "Okay…"

  "I want to test my new business idea out on someone, and I can’t think of anyone better than you."

  "Go ahead," he smirks at me.

  "You know how I tried to set my mother up with men I’d already met and decided were a good match? Well, I’d like to do the same for you."

  "I’m not really into men."

  "With women." I laugh. "You see, I need to prove to my boyfriend that this is a good business idea, and you’re my perfect candidate."

  "I think you’re great, Mackenzie, and I’d love to help you out, but I’m really not looking to date at the moment."

  "Even hand-picked women who I’m sure you’ll get along with? Please?"

  He sighs. "All right," he eventually says. "But only because it’s you, Mac. Don’t expect miracles though, because I’m really not looking for a relationship."

  "But you would be interested if the perfect woman came along, right?"

  "Who wouldn’t?"

  "Exactly. Thank you so much!" I tell him, barely resisting the urge to kiss him square on the mouth or otherwise start slobbering all over him.

  He smiles. "You’re as bad as Jenni, always managing to twist me around your little finger."

  Having finished with her client, Jenni comes over at the mention of her name. "Now, Dad," she says. "Mac here knows her stuff when it comes to kismetology. You can trust her."

  "Kismetology," I repeat. "Kismetology. The study of the kismet. Jenni, that’s it! That’s perfect. You’ve just given me my new business name."

  "Well, if it’s not studying the kismet that you’re doing, then I don’t know what it is."

  "Hi," I say, trying it out. "I’m Mackenzie Atkinson and I work for Kismetology."

  "I like it," Jeff says. "I’ve been matched by Kismetology."

  "That’s so perfect," I say, hugging Jenni on impulse. "It’s fantastic, thank you!"

  "So, are you going to keep your job here?" She asks.

  "At first," I say. "I have absolutely no idea where I’m going with this yet. It might not even work at all. But I want to try. I love doing this."

  "Enthusiasm and passion are the best things you can have to make any job work," Jeff says.

  "Thanks," I say to them both. "And I’m going to get on with finding you a date straight away."

  "No rush," he tells me.

  CHAPTER 34

  It is so peaceful not having Mum around every night. It’s a little strange, actually. I sometimes wonder what I should talk to Dan about. Honestly, if we don’t have my mother, one of the endless soap operas, Baby, or something else mother-related to complain about and sympathise with each other over, we don’t really have that much in common. I sometimes wonder why I didn’t notice that before we moved in together.

  Eleanor has been dating Ron for almost three weeks now. It’s amazing. She’s so happy with him that even Baby has taken a backseat. That’s why I am completely unprepared for her announcement the following evening. She’s come over for dinner with me while Dan is in work. I suggested that she wait until Dan’s night off so he could cook, but she refused, insisting his food would be as awful as he is. I didn’t even bother to argue. She’s got her mind made up about Dan, and that is that.

  "It’s over with Ron," she says suddenly, fork full of Chinese noodles halfway to her mouth.

  I choke a little on my spring roll.

  "Over?" I splutter. "Over as in over?"

  "Over as in O-V-E-R."

  "Define O-V-E-R."

  "It’s just not working out," she says.

  "He’s perfect," I say, perilously close to banging my head on the table and pulling my hair out.

  She shrugs. "I’m sorry, Mac. I know you worked hard to find him, but he’s just not what I want."

  "Not what you want?" Not what she wants? Argh! "So, if you don’t want him, what do you want then?"

  "I want… No, I can’t tell you, it’s too stupid."

  "Oh come on," I say. "Ron is the perfect man for you and you not only want something else, but you won’t tell me what it is."

  "You should just forget it, Mac. I’m happy with my Baby."

  "Yeah, but I’m not. You need some male company. Someone to make you happy. Like I thought Ron was doing."

  "He was."

  "But?"

  "But nothing. He’s a great guy, and he will make someone else very happy, but it’s not me."

  "But it is you. You two were so good together. Remember the first date? With the champagne and the ice bucket, and the kissing your hand. You liked that, right?"

  "How do you know he kissed my hand?" She looks at me quizzically. "I don’t remember telling you that."

  "Oh, you must have mentioned it," I say, making a mental note to keep my trap shut. I’ve already said too much. "Besides, all men of that age do. It’s a natural thing for that generation."

  Mum doesn’t look convinced but obviously decides to give me the benefit of the doubt, because she goes back to eating.

  "I thought he made you feel young again," I say, doubling my efforts. Even as I’m saying it I don’t know why I’m bothering. My mum is not one to change her mind after a decision has been made. I should know, I’ve been trying to convince her that Dan isn't that bad for the past two years.

  But this is a disaster. I want to start a business doing something that my only attempt at so far has suddenly and spectacularly failed. How am I supposed to be a professional matchmaker when I can’t even find my own mother someone to love? And now, I have to get back out there and find her someone else. And I have to find Jeff someone too. Why, oh why couldn’t things have worked out between the two of them? That would have made my life so easy. But then again, maybe everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be. Honestly, I’ve figured out my dream career, and possibly a way to get my foot in the door. If my mum had fallen in love with the first guy, then I would never have had to date all those losers, and I would never have figured out my calling. So maybe it’s for the best. Besides, I love Jeff. I think the man is fantastic, and he deserves someone really great. My mother is too into mind games to be good for Jeff.

  "So, tell me what it is that you want," I say. "Nothing is too stupid. I just want to know what you’re looking for, I’m not going to judge you if you fancy a whip-cracking cowboy or worse."

  "Just forget about it, Mackenzie. I’m better off alone."

  "No one is better off alone."

  "I’m not alone, I have my Baby."

  "A Yorkie doesn’t count."

  Mum sighs.

  "I’m not giving up on this," I tell her. "I want you to find a man you can be happy with, and I’m not giving up until I find someone."

  "You really don’t need to, you—"

  "Yes, I do."

  We stare each other down for a long moment. Eventually Mum looks away and goes back to her food.

  "So, what happened with Ron? You were getting on so perfectly."

  "I just woke up one morning and realised that I wasn’t happy with him…"

  "But why?" I ask, wondering if I sound as pathetic as I think I sound. I’m just so desperate for this to work out, one way or another.

  She shrugs.

  "It isn’t what you want?"

  "Uh huh." />
  "So, what is? What is this thing that you want? You can tell me, you know."

  "No, I really can’t."

  Now I’m intrigued. The only thing my demented mind can come up with is some sort of sexual fantasy or fetish scenario that she’s embarrassed to admit to her daughter. But it doesn’t fit, somehow. Eleanor is so straight-laced and sensible. So what does she want? My mind continues to whirl as we eat. If it’s not sexual then it must be something else. I just can’t think what. She’s not satisfied in any relationship… Why? I try to apply the principles to myself. I’m not satisfied in my relationship with Dan. I thought we’d be perfect together without my mum interfering every five minutes, but as it's turned out, we argue even more. Why? I suppose it’s because he’s not The One. Yes, I’m happy enough with him, and even though I’m aware that I’m settling, I’m not about to break up with him any time soon, because he’s enough of The One for now. And splitting up with him would just prove my mother right and she’d wear a self-satisfied smirk for the rest of the year and I’d never hear the end of it. That’s a bad reason to stay in a relationship, right? Okay, so by my reasoning, Dan isn’t The One for me, and Ron isn’t The Second One for my mother. Maybe the reason isn’t important. Maybe the only thing I should be worried about is the fact he’s not what she’s looking for, rather than keep searching for the why. After all, it isn’t up to me to say who the man she should have a serious relationship with should be. It’s only my job to present the possibilities, and then Mum can decide for herself.

  Then a thought hits me. The Second One. What if she’s not open to finding the second love of her life because she’s still in love with the first? I go through the signs. Ron isn’t what she wants. No guy has been. She’s embarrassed to tell me what it is that she does want.