Kismetology

by Jaimie Admans

  "Don’t worry about it," I say. "The cushions are in the washing machine, by the way."

  "I love you."

  "Love you too, honey."

  But I’m not a hundred percent sure that I do. Love him, that is. I’ve been questioning love a lot recently. Here is my mum, unable to fully appreciate a date with any man, no matter how perfect, because she’s still in love with some unknown person. Now that is dedication. And here I am, willingly dating other men all the time, even though they’re not meant for me, and half the time wishing they were.

  And I’ve just had a thought. Mum is still in love with some unknown person. Person. What if it’s not some hideous looking man at all? What if it’s a woman? What if my mother is a lesbian?

  Not that there’s anything wrong with it if she is, of course, but what if that’s the reason I couldn’t find any evidence of a man when I broke in? Maybe I should be looking for evidence of a woman instead.

  CHAPTER 37

  "Mum," I start casually. I’ve gone over to her place for a while, to have another shot at finding out who the mystery man is. And possibly to snoop around for the prospect of a lesbian affair. You know, if she turns her back long enough.

  "I just wanted to say something, and I don’t want you to get offended or anything."

  "Okay, now I’m worried. What is it, Mac?"

  "I just want you to know that it’s okay if you still have feelings for Dad."

  "Not this again."

  "Yes, this again. It’s important. You need to know that I support you, and that I understand how much he must’ve hurt you, and it’s perfectly normal for you to still have feelings for him."

  "Mackenzie…"

  "And if you want me to work on getting you two back together, then I will."

  "Mackenzie…" She pauses and looks at me intently for a moment. "Mac, the last person on earth I will ever have feelings for is your father. Yes, I may have loved him once, but he hurt me in an unforgivable way by leaving like he did. I lost all the respect I ever had for him. And love goes with respect. Trust me on that. I don’t like to say that I hate people, but I strongly dislike your father. I’d be quite happy to never see him again for the rest of my life."

  That settles that then. I know my mother well enough to know that she meant every word she just said and that she’s not covering up feelings or putting on a front. I guess Dan is right and I was barking up the wrong tree. "Okay." I sigh. "Tell me who it is then."

  "Who what is?"

  "The person you’re in love with." I put a big emphasis on the word person, you know, just in case.

  "Mac, I don’t know where you’re getting this from but I wish you’d stop."

  "I’m getting it from you. You specifically said to me ‘it’s not your dad I’m in love with’ the other night, meaning that it is someone, even if it’s not dad."

  "You’ve taken it the wrong way," she says. "I’m not in love with anyone. Except my Baby, of course."

  "I’m right," I say. "I swear I’m right. It makes perfect sense. It fits the puzzle."

  "Why are we even having this conversation?"

  "Because it’s important. I can help. I can find this person and get you together. It’s my job now."

  "Well, I should be able to fire you then."

  "I’ll ignore that," I say. "I’m not giving up on this. This is important."

  "Suit yourself."

  "Can I ask you something else?" I ask, unsure of where to begin.

  Mum sighs. I can tell she’s frustrated with me, but I refuse to walk away empty handed today. "Go ahead." She nods.

  "You’ve got to promise that you’ll be completely honest with me. I’m not going to judge you or think badly of you. I mean, you know me, right? I’m as open-minded as they come, and—"

  "Just get on with it, Mac."

  "Is it a woman?"

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "Is it a woman that you’re seeing? Are you having a lesbian affair? Because, just so you know, I think it’s great if you are. You know, girl power and all that."

  Mum sighs. "No, Mackenzie, I’m not a lesbian."

  "Well, you don’t have to actually be a lesbian, but it’s cool if you’re experimenting or something. I can even find women to set you up on dates with, if you’d prefer."

  "You’re losing your mind, honey," Mum says. "I’m not interested in women. I’m not experimenting. I’m not having an affair with a woman. I’m not doing anything."

  "So, why have all the men I’ve found not been good enough? I mean, Ron for example. He was perfect, but according to you, ‘not what you wanted,’ so if it’s not the fact that you want someone else, what on earth was wrong with him?"

  "Mackenzie…"

  "What? I need to know so I don’t make the same mistake twice."

  "There’s nothing to know, Mac. You must know that sometimes people just don’t click, even if you expect them too."

  "But you did click. You had a great first date, I saw…" Shit! "…you happy," I recover quickly. "I saw you happy with Ron." And I absolutely did not see your great first date from behind a rubber tree plant.

  "Okay, so we had a couple of good dates, but when we spent a little more time together, we realised that it just wasn’t going to work out. We may stay friends, but we were never going to work as partners."

  "But I’m not setting you up on dates to find friends. You have enough of those. I want to find you a man that you can be happy with. I thought Ron was it, but if he wasn’t then don’t you think I deserve to know why not?"

  "There is no specific reason. It just wasn’t happening. You should give up trying to find me a date."

  "No," I say. "I am not giving up on this."

  "Suit yourself," she says. "But you know how fussy I am."

  This is code for saying "you’ll never find me anyone who I’ll be completely satisfied with," but I will not give up on this. I won’t.

  "I’m not giving up," I tell her. "You can date half the country and I still won’t give up, even if we have to move on to Europe."

  "Suit yourself," she says again.

  "I will," I say. "I swear I will."

  CHAPTER 38

  "Tell your dad I’m sorry I haven’t got around to finding him anyone yet," I say to Jenni one morning. "It’s just that I’m back on the look out for Mum again. She’s ended yet another relationship, and I have to find her someone else."

  "Don’t worry," Jen says. "He only agreed to it because he likes you."

  "Well, that’s comforting to know," I say sarcastically.

  "It’s true. You must have picked up on that."

  "Yeah, kind of. And it’s not that I want to push him into anything he doesn’t want to do, but he’s like my ideal client to try stuff out on."

  "So, how is this business thing going then?"

  I shrug. "I’ve been reading about small businesses, and starting up on your own and stuff, but I think I had better see if I can make two relationships work before jumping into anything."

  "Good idea," Jenni says. "But I have complete confidence in you, Mac. You’re so good with love, you can make anything work."

  "Thanks," I tell her.

  "I had an idea for you. For finding men, I mean."

  "Yeah? Tell me all."

  "Have you heard of speed dating?" Jenni asks me.

  "I’ve heard of it. Why?"

  "Well, I thought it might be fun to go, and I wondered if you’d come along with me to meet men for your business. Or your mum."

  I think about this for a second. "Okay, a) it’s never going to be fun to meet that many men in a short space of time. I’ve been meeting them over the course of months, and let me tell you, it has not been fun. And b) if I’m looking for men for work, then we’re after a totally different age group."

  Jenni laughs. "I knew you’d say that."

  "Well, it’s true."

  "It’s next Friday night. It’s a big singles thing they’re putting on in the town hall. Twenty men, twe
nty women, five minutes for each person. Different age groups are in different rooms. Here." She digs around in her pocket and hands me a flyer.

  I read it. It still looks like a bad idea. Who would want to spend two hours meeting that many men? What bright person invented the whole thing? Seriously, who woke up one morning and said, "Hey, that sounds like a good idea"? Or perhaps it is a good idea just to get it all over and done with at once? Yeah. On second thoughts, here I am, I’ve just spent over three months meeting useless men when I could’ve met the same amount of useless men in a couple of hours. And don’t they say that if you go on a certain number of bad dates, you’re due a decent one after about ten? So maybe if I meet twenty men at one time, I’ll be due two good dates afterwards.

  "Come on, Mac." Jenni says. "I really wanna go, and, you know, I did put in a good word for you with my dad."

  I sigh. "You want to go to this thing so badly that you’re resulting to blackmail?"

  She laughs. "Come on. You know how long I’ve been single for. It’s all right for you, you have Dan, and you get to go on lots of dates."

  "Don’t envy me for those things," I say. "You can have the dates and Dan if you really want."

  "Are things not working out between you two?" Jenni asks, suddenly turning serious.

  "It’s not that," I say. "It’s just that I’ve been questioning things lately. My mum is still in love with some mystery man, or possibly woman, who I didn’t even know existed, and that’s real love, you know? I’m assuming that she met this person a long time ago, probably in high school, and she’s still in love with them. And then there’s Dan, who… Well, I don’t even know myself. I just… I don’t know."

  "Your mum is in love with someone?"

  "I don’t know. I think so. It was just one sentence she said the other night. And no dates have been working out, no matter how fabulous the guys are, and it just made perfect sense. Her still having feelings for someone else fits the puzzle. It fits as to why none of the men I’ve been finding are good enough—because they can’t measure up to this mystery person. So I’ve been trying to find out who he is, but I’m not having much luck so far."

  "Can’t you just ask her?"

  "She won’t tell me. I’m still not entirely convinced that it's not my father."

  "Wow," Jenni says. "That is dedication. It’s like my dad. He fell for some woman whose divorce case he worked on years ago, and he’s never forgotten her, even though he’s never even seen her since. He still thinks about her all the time."

  "So it’s not that uncommon then?" I ask. "You know, to have someone who you love even through any amount of time and obstacles."

  "Yeah," Jenni says. "It’s kind of sad to think that they’ve both left love behind, and will probably never meet the person that they love again."

  "Don’t be so pessimistic," I say. "I’m working on finding my mum’s mystery man, you should work on finding your dad’s mystery woman."

  "That’d put you out of a job."

  "Well, tell me what you can find out, and then I’ll start looking. Maybe I should give up the idea of being a matchmaker and become a private detective for lost love instead."

  "I don’t know anything," Jenni says. "Only that he was married to my mother at the time and he shouldn’t have been falling in love with divorced clients."

  "Yikes." I agree. "But still, love is love. It obviously wasn’t meant to be with Jeff and your mother, otherwise he wouldn’t have fallen for another woman."

  "You really believe that?"

  "Yes. Take Dan and me. If Dan was really The One, if he was the be all and end all, if this was it, would I really be looking around at other men, wishing I was dating them for myself, but my own age obviously, and doubting every move Dan and I make together?"

  "I don’t know," Jenni says. "But we are getting way too sappy here."

  I nod in agreement.

  "So, back to this speed dating thing," she says. "Will you come with me?"

  I shrug. Why not? I’m desperate enough to try anything. And maybe I could meet someone else to be my new guinea pig. If Jeff is still hung up on another woman, then I’m going to have exactly the same problem finding him a date as I have my mother.

  "I’m in," I say.

  "Good, because spaces were limited so I booked two tickets."

  "That was presumptuous."

  "Ah, but I was right, wasn’t I?"

  I sigh. "I’ll come," I say. "But you do realise that we’re going to have to be in different rooms. Unless you want to date fifty-year-olds, that is. And I guarantee you that men don’t get any better as they get older."

  "That’s fine," she says. "I just don’t want to walk in on my own. I don’t want to be the pathetic single girl."

  "There is nothing pathetic about being a single girl," I say. "In fact, I kind of wish that I was one myself."

  "You’ll work it out with Dan," Jenni says.

  I shrug. "Maybe, maybe not." I think for a minute. "That’s bad, isn’t it? I should be definite and sure of myself and be saying things like ‘Yes! We WILL work it out’, not things like ‘Uh, perhaps we will, perhaps we won’t.’" I wave my hand around nonchalantly to illustrate my point. "And do you know what the worst part is?" I continue. "I really don’t care. I love Dan, but I’m not madly in love with him. It’s not like can’t live without you love, it’s just kind of there. And he’s expecting marriage and babies eventually, he must be, and I just don’t want that with him."

  "So break up with him then,"

  "I can’t," I admit. "My mother would never let me hear the end of it."

  "And that’s the only reason to sustain the relationship?"

  "That’s pathetic, isn’t it?" I say. "It’s not exactly the only reason though. I mean, we moved in together, we signed a year's lease, and we’ve been dating for two years, and, well… I don’t know."

  "You need to break up with him."

  "I know." I agree. "Especially as I look forward to dates with fifty-year-old men more than I look forward to a night in with my own boyfriend. At least fifty-year-old men are unpredictable, even if they do occasionally have porn DVDs in their pockets. Dan just does the same thing every night—in from work, boots up on the coffee table, and TV remote in his hand for the channel surfing to commence. We never even eat together anymore—by the time he gets home, he’s already eaten in work, and I’ve either been on a date or ordered a takeaway by myself. The whole thing is driving me crazy."

  "So forget what your mum thinks and do what’s right for you."

  "But then I have to move back home."

  "Which is the lesser of two evils?"

  "I should never have said yes to moving in with him when I wasn’t a hundred percent sure, and now I have to pay the price. I’ve made my bed and I should lie in it."

  Jenni shrugs. "That doesn't sound very fair to either of you."

  "It doesn't matter," I say. "I do have feelings for him. And the absolute last thing I want is to be single at the moment. I have enough on my plate without dealing with a break up too."

  CHAPTER 39

  "You’re going where?" Dan asks, looking up from his usual spot on the sofa.

  "Speed dating. Jenni really wants me to go with her."

  "I don’t like to tell you this, babe, but you have a boyfriend."

  "Ha ha. I know." I kiss him quickly on the cheek. "I don’t even know if they’re going to let me in, seeing as I’m trying to get in with the fifty to sixty age group, and I’m obviously not fifty to sixty myself."

  "Just flash a business card and hope for the best."

  "I will."

  "And don’t bring any strange men home with you."

  "I won’t."

  "And be careful. You’re not at Belisana, and I won’t be there to look out for you."

  It’s on the tip of my tongue to say something like "fat lot of good you did me when you were there," but I don’t.

  "Who are you, anyway? My father?" I ask instead.

&nb
sp; "Just your loving boyfriend who cares about you, even when you’re dating other men."

  "Like I said before, you should tell me now if you’re feeling threatened by other men."

  "I’m not," he says. "But you and Jenni going out together on a jaunt to pick up men is a little worrying."

  "Dan, I’m only picking up men for business."

  Dan bursts out laughing.

  Oh. I didn’t realise how bad that sounded. Oops. "Oh, not like that," I say. "You know what I meant."

  Dan nods while still laughing.

  "Besides, if I was going to pick up men then I’d go into the twenties room."

  "I’m sure. Just take care of yourself, all right?"

  "All right. And you make sure you get to bed on time, and plug your electric blanket in, and don’t put your Zimmer frame where people can trip over it. And don’t forget to turn your pacemaker on."

  "Very funny."

  "Well, quit acting like my grandfather then. I’ll be careful, I won’t have sex in an alleyway with a stranger, and I’ll be home before midnight."

  "Hey Mac, you know I love you, right?"

  "Love you too," I mumble.

  "There you are!" Jenni says when I rush up to her where she is waiting outside the building. "I thought you weren’t gonna come."

  "Sorry." I pant. "It seems to be my god-given talent to find the longest, slowest traffic jam in the city at any given moment."

  Jenni laughs. "Shall we go inside?"

  I nod. "It’s freezing out here."

  We walk into the foyer of the building, hand our tickets to the doorman, but it’s even scarier in here than I thought it would be. The place is teeming with people. Men and women of every age are all gathered together in the foyer, nursing hot cups of tea and coffee, waiting for the Klaxon to sound. Or for someone to announce that the festivities are about to begin, anyway. Seeing as I was so late, we don’t have to wait long. A tall woman dressed in a business suit stands at the front of the room and demands that we all divide by age groups and follow the person assigned to our group.

  "See you later," I say to Jenni.

  "Good luck," she says back, before sprinting off to the other side of the room to join the sensible people our own age. I head to the front to find the leader of the fifties group.