Kismetology

by Jaimie Admans

  "Go to sleep, Mac," Dan says.

  Bang, bang, bang, bang.

  I sit bolt upright in bed and listen, unsure this time of whether I’m dreaming or not. I check my watch and see that it’s twenty past one in the morning.

  Bang, bang, bang, bang.

  Oh bugger, it’s a burglar. This time it is definitely a burglar.

  I hit Dan really hard to wake him up.

  "What?" He groans. "Why’d you do that?"

  "Someone’s knocking. It’s a burglar."

  "Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’m not going through this again." Dan sits up in bed and throws the covers off with such force that they hit the floor.

  He stomps out of bed, grabs the baseball bat and turns to me. "You coming?"

  I scramble out of bed and follow him.

  "At least you can’t accuse me of being a bad boyfriend this time."

  "It’s got to be a burglar. Mum wouldn’t come here at this time in the morning."

  "No, she prefers to come at three in the morning, not one."

  "So it must be a burglar."

  "Oh, for god’s sake. It’s not a burglar, Mac. It’s your fucking mother. And I know which one I’d rather see."

  "The burglar, right?" I ask, smiling despite the fact we might be about to be threatened with a gun and robbed.

  Dan is much braver than me, and after telling me to stand back, he throws the door wide open, baseball bat poised above his head.

  "Aaaah!" My mum screams from the doorstep.

  "Oh, for fuck’s sake." Dan throws the bat down on the floor. "I’m going back to bed," he says, stamping up the stairs.

  "What was that all about?"

  "We thought you were a burglar."

  I notice that she is dragging a suitcase and has the two animals with her in a carrier in her other arm.

  "What are you doing here? Oh my god, is there another fire?" I ask, looking out the door.

  "No," she says. "Can I come in? It’s freezing out here."

  "Sure," I step back to let her in. "Do you need to use the kitchen or something? Because you could’ve just used your key."

  "No," she says. "But I can’t stay there. I keep hearing noises from the kitchen."

  "Noises?" I ask. "What kind of noises? Do you think there’s someone in there? Do you think that you have a burglar?"

  "No, no. Nothing like that, I just don’t like my kitchen all burnt like that. I don’t like sleeping in the house with it like that, it’s creepy."

  "It’s just a kitchen."

  "But it scares me. Can I stay here tonight?"

  I eye the suitcase pointedly. "Tonight?"

  "Well, until it’s fixed. It’s only next week that the builders are coming. They’re measuring up on Monday. And they’ll probably be done within the week."

  "So, what you’re asking is if you can stay here for two weeks at the least. And that’s if we’re lucky and they’re good builders who pull their fingers out and get on with it."

  She shrugs. "I suppose so."

  "You know what," I say. "I better check with Dan."

  I run upstairs and shake him awake.

  "Mum wants to stay until the builders are through, Dan," I whisper. "I’m sorry, but I think we should let her. She really doesn’t want to be alone in her own house."

  "She didn’t mind being alone in it when she was collecting curtains and shit to destroy our living room with."

  "I know, but it’s not the same as sleeping there overnight."

  "I thought you wanted to get rid of her as much as I did."

  "I do, but she’s really unhappy being there on her own and I feel bad. I can’t just make her go back."

  "Fine," Dan says. "Like you give a fuck what I want anyway."

  "Dan…" I start, but he’s already rolled over in a way that says: this topic is closed.

  "Okay," I say to Mum, coming back downstairs with an armful of spare bedding. "But you have to behave. No going through Dan’s bag, no dogs or cats on the window ledge or anywhere else they shouldn’t be, and certainly no redecorating."

  She nods. "Thanks, Mac."

  "I mean it. Not even a candle that isn’t approved by us first."

  "I've got it," she says. "I’ll leave everything exactly as it is. I promise."

  "You had better," I say. "I haven’t even had a chance to repaint the holes in the wall yet."

  "I could do that for you."

  "No!" I say, horrified. "No, please. Leave it to me. Don’t touch anything."

  "All right," she holds her hands up. "I’ll leave everything alone."

  Thankfully the builders estimation was right, and they are finished by the following Monday. Mum is going home after thirteen days of living with us.

  Things have been kind of strained between Dan and me with my mum living here. She’s pretty much taken over the living room with her dog, her cat and her daily yoga meditations. In fact, I’m not sure Dan has forgiven me for letting her stay. I’m pretty much walking on permanent eggshells around him every day.

  Mum's had a great week of choosing carpeting and paint colours, and bossing the builders around, and delivering them mugs of tea in my best china. They’re builders, for god’s sake, give them the old cracked Winnie the Pooh mugs.

  I think she’s quite glad to be going home. Our pull-out sofa probably gets a little uncomfortable after the first week, and she’s sick of me yelling at the cat every time it gets up on the window ledge.

  But she did keep her promise and has refrained from repainting our house for the moment. Which is good, because Dan would probably have killed me otherwise.

  CHAPTER 48

  With all the drama of Mum staying with us, I’ve completely forgotten my plan. And now that Mum’s gone home—to her new kitchen which no longer makes unidentifiable noises in the middle of the night—it’s time to get the drawing board back out again and implement Plan: Drive Eleanor Back to Ron.

  I go back through my date diary from the past few months, pick the absolute worst males I can remember, and start phoning around to see if they happen to be free this week. Within a couple of hours, my mum’s schedule for the following week looks like this:

  Sunday – Noel: The God Botherer.

  Monday – The Stud.

  Tuesday – Jack: Likes to watch women urinate.

  Wednesday – Evan: Would like a blowjob in the alleyway, but will graciously accept a threesome in the bathroom.

  Thursday – No one: Mum’s going to get stood up.

  Friday – Norman: Is already dead.

  I hope that this little selection will be enough to convince Mum that Ron was perfect, and whether he is "not what she wants" or not, he’s the best she’s going to get.

  I go over to her house to break the news.

  "I know you said to give up," I tell her. "But now things are getting back to normal, I’ve been out finding men for you again, and I’ve fixed up dates for every night this week. That’s okay, isn’t it?"

  She nods as she lets me in. "I guess so. I didn’t really expect you to find any more."

  "Well, this lot are the cream of the crop," I say. "I had to go through a lot to find these single men for you."

  I hand Mum her schedule, which looks nothing like the one I wrote in my diary.

  Sunday 9PM (after church) —Noel: Likes babies and donkeys. (The only religious thing I could think of was the nativity scene, and there was a baby and a donkey in that.)

  Monday 8PM—Stu. (I didn’t get an actual name for him. She’s going to suspect something if I just write The Stud.)

  Tuesday 6PM—Jack: Has a wide range of interests. (Which mainly involve urine.)

  Wednesday 8PM —Evan: very friendly sixty year old. (Well, he was very friendly. Too friendly.)

  Thursday 7PM —Warren: Cute, animal lover. (Who doesn’t exist, because I think it’s about time you learned how it feels to be stood up. Because Ron would never do that.)

  Friday 6.30PM —Norman: Enjoys sailing. (May bring coffin alo
ng on date.)

  "They sound quite good," Mum says eventually, after reading over it. Minus my comments, of course.

  "I really think you’ll enjoy dating these guys," I say. "They’re very… interesting." And it may give you a taste of even a fraction of how hard it is to find a decent man out there.

  "I can’t believe you haven’t given up on me yet," she says. "I’ve turned down so many of these men that you keep finding, you must be fed up with me by now."

  Hello, perception? Where did that come from?

  "Not at all," I lie. "Not at all."

  "Thanks, Mac," she smiles. "I didn’t think I was going to get any more dates after Ron."

  "Well, he was one of my best," I say. "You should remember that. I don’t know how easy it will be to click with someone else the way you clicked with him."

  "Oh, I’m sure I will. And for real this time."

  "I’m sure." I nod emphatically.

  "Like the first guy on Sunday. Likes babies and donkeys, huh? What an interesting combination."

  "Oh, it definitely is."

  Dan and I are curled up watching TV on Sunday night while I wait for the phone call from Mum after her date with the God botherer.

  I pick up the phone when it rings. Dan is watching with that you know it’s not going to work look on his face.

  "Mackenzie!" Mum says from the other end of the line.

  Uh oh, she sounds angry.

  "I told you no religious freaks!"

  "Who’s a religious freak?" I ask in my best innocent voice.

  "Noel, that’s who. Do you know what he did? He started preaching at me over my mushroom bruschetta. I’m sitting there eating, minding my own business, and he starts jabbering on about how God is good, and Jesus will save my soul if I just let him in."

  "Noel is a God botherer?" I ask, trying to feign surprise. "Never."

  "He is."

  "Oh dear, what a shame. What did you do?"

  "I kicked him in the shin and told him that I worship Satan."

  I burst out laughing. Hah! Even better than I’d hoped for.

  "Well, I would never have believed it," I say. "Noel seemed so normal."

  "I can’t believe you set me up with a Jesus freak."

  "I didn’t know he was a Jesus freak," I lie. "Oh well. At least you found out now rather than later."

  "Yes," she says. "I suppose you’re right."

  "Well, tomorrow night’s guy will be better. It’s The S… Stu, right? It’s Stu tomorrow night."

  "Yes," she says. "And he had better be an improvement."

  "Oh, he’ll improve something all right,"

  "A Jesus freak." Mum is still tutting under her breath.

  "Don’t worry," I say. "They’ll get better."

  They’ll get something all right. And my money is on a kick in the shins. Or worse.

  The following night the regular post-date phone call is exactly the same.

  "Mackenzie!" Mum says angrily. "You set me up with a man who doesn’t even have a name. He referred to himself as The Stud all night, in the third person, no less. And, do you know, I’ve never met someone so arrogant in my life. Well, apart from Dan, obviously."

  "Dan is not arrogant," I say, glad that he is in work so he can't hear this. "How can you think Dan is arrogant?"

  "That’s not the point, Mackenzie. The point is, how can you set me up with a man if you don’t even know his name?"

  "I thought his name was Stu."

  "Obviously, that’s just a typo because the only name he seems to have is Stud."

  "The Stud," I correct her.

  "What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?"

  "I met him very briefly, we didn’t exactly have a chance to ask for things like names," I offer.

  "Well, I hope you investigated tomorrow night’s guy more thoroughly. I thought the whole point of this was so that I didn’t have to date the idiots."

  "Sorry, Mum. But I’m sure you’ll like Jack. He’s very nice."

  "The way this week is shaping up, I’ll believe that when I see it."

  "Oh, he’s very interesting."

  "I don’t care about interesting, Mackenzie. I care about nice, or at this stage, even tolerable will do."

  "Do you know what he asked me?" Mum yells down the phone on Wednesday night. "Do you?"

  I shrug. By the tone of her voice, I’d guess that he asked her to pee on him.

  "He asked if he could come to the bathroom with me and watch while I, you know," she lowers her voice. "Did a number one."

  "He didn’t?" I try to sound shocked.

  "He did."

  "Did you let him?"

  "Are you kidding me, Mackenzie? What kind of woman do you think I am? Of course I didn’t let him."

  "Okay," I say. "But you can never be sure about these things."

  "Pfft."

  "Well, I’m sorry," I say. "I didn’t know Jack had such, um, interesting hobbies."

  "What is going on this week, Mac? If it’s not a Jesus freak, it’s a freak freak."

  "Don’t worry, tomorrow night you have Evan. Evan is really nice. A real keeper. You’ll like Evan."

  "Yeah," she says. "I bet."

  CHAPTER 49

  "Evan could have been worse," Mum says on the phone on Wednesday night.

  "I beg your pardon?"

  What? Did I just hear that right?

  "Evan was very nice actually. I quite like him."

  "You like him?"

  "Yes."

  "Evan?"

  "Yes."

  "Are we talking about the same Evan?"

  "I think so. Why? Didn’t you think I’d like him?"

  "To be honest I thought I was scraping the barrel a little with Evan, but I did want you to meet a range of men so I thought it wouldn’t do any harm to meet him. He wasn’t my first choice though, no."

  "Oh. Well, I think he was rather nice."

  Hmm. Maybe it’s just young people Evan propositions in restaurants. Maybe he wants more than a blowjob from women of his own generation.

  "You’re not going to see him again, are you?" I ask worriedly.

  "I don’t really know," she says. "He gave me his phone number, so I may give him a call later in the week, see if he wants to get together sometime."

  "You really shouldn’t do that."

  "I don’t see why not. You wanted me to meet men that I connect with, and I have. What more do you want?"

  "I just think you can do better than Evan," I say, not wanting to blow my cover.

  "I thought Evan was lovely," she says. "But enough about it. What’s Warren like for tomorrow night?"

  Oh, the fake guy. "Um… Very nice," I start. "Nice looking and he likes animals." That is what I wrote on her schedule, isn’t it?

  "Well, he sounds nice," she says. "I think they’re looking up a bit."

  "Enjoy the date," I say.

  And please don’t call Evan.

  "He didn’t turn up," Mum announces on our doorstep on Thursday night.

  "Come in," I say, stepping back from the door.

  "I sat in Dine Dee-Vine for an hour on my own, and he didn’t show up."

  "That’s terrible."

  "How could he do this to me?"

  "Don’t worry, it’s his loss," I say.

  "How rude," Dan says. He winks at me.

  "Knock it off," I hiss in his ear while Mum takes her shoes off. "She’s upset."

  "He never existed," Dan whispers.

  "Shut up. You’re the one who suggested I try to drive her back to Ron."

  "I can’t believe he just didn’t turn up. Without so much as a phone call. What a horrible man." Mum comes into the living room.

  "Yes," I say. "Absolutely horrible. You’re better off not meeting someone like that."

  "I thought you said he was nice."

  "He was, but if he’s going to stand you up then he obviously isn’t worth the time or trouble."

  "I suppose you’re right."

  "
Never mind though. Tomorrow night’s one is a real winner."

  "Oh, Norman. What’s he like?"

  I resist the urge to say walking corpse.

  "We saw a great movie the other day," Dan butts in. "It was called Night of the Living Dead."

  I smack his thigh way harder than I intended to and give him one of my own looks.

  "I’m not really into horror films," Mum says, obviously missing the joke.

  "Norman is very nice," I say, looking pointedly at Dan. "Very nice indeed. You’ll like him."

  "Well, he’ll be an improvement on tonight if he so much as turns up."

  "Sorry about that," I tell her. "I’ll have to get in touch with Warren and see where he got to."

  "Don’t bother," Mum says. "I don’t want to meet anyone who’s going to stand me up on a first date."

  "That’s good," I say. "Not dating guys who don’t deserve you. That’s progress."

  That’s also good because Warren never existed.

  "Thank you so much for all the dates this week, Mac," Mum says sweetly on the phone after Friday night’s date. "I’ve finally found someone wonderful."

  "You have?" I ask, wracking my brains. "Who?"

  "Evan."

  "Evan. But he’s—"

  "Perfect. I know."

  "No! He’s—"

  "He’s wonderful," she says. "So kind and thoughtful."

  "You can’t—"

  "I can’t believe how lucky I was to meet him. Thank you so much for finding him for me."

  "No—"

  "We’re going out again tomorrow night. He’s going to take me back to his place and cook dinner. He’s such a sweetheart."

  "What about Norman?" I ask desperately. "Tonight’s date? He was nice."

  "Oh, Norman was mummified. I fell asleep somewhere between starters and the main course. But Evan is just lovely. I called him earlier and we both decided we’d like to see each other on a more permanent basis."

  "Mum, you—"

  "Oh, Baby’s crying. I must go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Byeeee."

  The dial tone sounds in my ear. Shit. My own mother just hung up on me. And she’s dating Bristol’s biggest pervert. Shit. How did this plan go so wrong?