by Douglas Cobb
"But, the good news, Fuzzy, is that because the Republican candidate Howard Trelawney dropped out of the race, you have moved into second place in the hearts of the voters, right after the Democratic candidate, Kit Jorgenson!" I told my friend.
"So, am I within ten points of Mit Gorgonzola?" Fuzzy asked.
I shook my head and said "No, and his name is Kit Jorgenson, a name which has nothing to do with Italian cheeses nor gloves of any kind."
"Fifteen points?"
I shook my head once more, and told him "No, lower still."
"Twenty?"
I told him he was getting warmer, but he still had a ways to go. The important thing was, I told him, not how far he'd moved up in the polls, nor why he had, nor how much distance via points he still was from the front runner, but it was just that he had moved into second place. As long as he managed to stay ahead of Frankie Sinister, it would be a moral victory for himself and PAWS, and that was what really mattered.
"Fuzzy no want to lose, Lily!" my friend said. "Second place still means second, not first! I want to fix babies and kiss roads--reverse that--kiss babies and fix roads! You told me I would make a good mayor, so I say I want to go all the way!"
"In the words of Winston Churchill, Fuzzy, 'We have not yet begun to fight!'" I roared, emotionally aroused by my friend's somewhat crazy but impassioned speech. "You're absolutely right, my friend--however satisfying beating the Scarlet One might be, it's still not the same as winning the election. So, it's time to take off the kid gloves! We're in it to win it, Fuzzy, and it's time to separate the men--er-- rhinos--from the boys!"
"Lily, tu esta muy loca, amiga!" Fuzzy said, and he did head bob and a double snap. "Lily, you so crazy, girlfri-end!" his Language Translator said. "First, you tell me to not say 'Mit'. Then, you the one talkin' about 'kid gloves'! And, why we want to separate the men or the rhinos from the boys? You be talkin' in riddles!"
"They're just both expressions, Fuzzy, for saying that, in the first case, it's time we got ready to fight, and in the second example, to say it's men (and rhinos) who are willing to fight for what they know is right, not mere boys!"
"Oh, well why didn't you say so? If only I could get Jorgenson and Frankie on the rugby field, I'd show them, I would!"
"Fuzzy, I have no doubt of that, none at all!" I said. "I just wanted to let you know about the most recent polls, and tomorrow we'll start in on campaigning once again, and knocking on doors. Who knows? Maybe on February 14th., you can both celebrate Valentine's Day and a victory in the mayoral race!"
****
Whuump! Whuump! Whuump! Whuump! The most annoying alarm clock in the world, Celeste's, went off, waking her and me from a sound slumber. February 11th , Celeste's birthday, had finally dawned. It was another school day for her. She tried not to show she was excited that it also was her birthday. She tried to play it cool and act like it was just another ordinary day, but I could tell from the look in her eyes and a slight smile on her lips that she could hardly wait for school to be over so she could celebrate her birthday, eat cake, and open presents.
I was still not done with her poem. I was stuck on number 10, and had four more reasons to think up before school would be over and Celeste would come home. It's not that I had a hard time thinking up reasons why she was special to me, but that I wanted to say them just right, and make the poem as good as I possibly could. It's easy to write a poem, but not so easy to write a poem that's any good. I didn't think I'd ever be as good of a poet as Shakespeare, T.S. Eliot, or Dylan Thomas; but, I just wanted to be the best one I could be for this particular poem.
Clare and Triple Q bought a bunch of helium-filled birthday balloons, and picked up Celeste's cake from Eternity On Your Thighs. Dexter and Nicole would arrive later, sometime during the party. I finished typing the poem, "Fourteen Reasons Why," and printed it off.
One other thing that I'd had Quentin do for me was to e-mail the "owners" of the other members of PAWS for me, so that the request would be in his name, to ask if Lucy Marmoset Higgins, Prince Alphonse Saed, and Fuzzy Wally MacGee could be here for Celeste's birthday party. He had written that Celeste had fallen in love with the "dogs" even in the short time she'd known them and had spent walking them, and that she would love to have them at her party if it was okay with their "owners." They'd all agreed, of course--who's going to turn down the birthday request of a teen girl that's worded like that, one which expresses a feeling of love towards "dogs" that is mutually shared by their "owners"?
Oh, and how was the mayoral race progressing? Thanks to the combined efforts of PAWS, and our political commercials, Fuzzy had moved further up in the polls. One of the commercials featured scenes of the evil elves of the Scarlet and Green Marines and Fuzzy's successful efforts at distracting them. Another showed the blue faces of people at Christmas, who had been the victims of the Blue Scarab Beetle Plague, and the last one depicted grey faces of Centralia's citizens caused by the aroma of the flowers of the Grey aliens.
A narrator said: "Whether he's been engaged in protecting our wallets from the efforts of scam artists, or our very lives from being eliminated by foreign-born plagues or aliens, Fuzzy Wally MacGee is more than a 'Distraction' in this mayoral race. He's got a proven track record of fighting crime, no matter it's zip code or source. Isn't it time for a change? Isn't it time, people of Centralia, to elect a mayor like Fuzzy Wally MacGee?" Then (tongue dangling, as usual), Fuzzy himself came on camera briefly, to say: "I endorse this message."
Though he was still in second place in the polls, Fuzzy's popularity ratings had gone up dramatically. In today's latest poll, Kit Jorgenson attracted 42 percent of the voters, Fuzzy would be the choice of 35 percent, Frankie had risen to 15 percent, and "Other" was the candidate of choice for 8 percent of the eligible voters who were polled. Fuzzy was down by only 7 percent! Of course, only 2,000 had been phoned for their views out of a city of 350,000 potential voters; but, this is the way conducting polls is typically done everywhere.
****
Celeste's birthday party began at 7:00, though people started to arrive about fifteen minutes earlier than that. Lucy, Fonz, and Fuzzy were in the backyard chasing squirrels, wearing pointy party hats, eating soup bones, and having themselves a blast. Clare had felt inviting that many "dogs" to Celeste's birthday party was a bit much, but she'd agreed to let them come if they stuck to the backyard and didn't track paw prints onto her carpet.
Denise, Rachel, Frieda, Loren, Christine, and Kayla got to our house shortly before 7:00. They were all dressed casually, as was everyone else there. After they hung their coats up on the coat rack, Triple Q told them they could put their presents on a table in the living room. Celeste greeted them and thanked them for coming to her party, and for the gifts. Katy Perry's latest CD was playing, but at a subdued enough level that people could still talk to each other.
It was a great party, and there were five different kinds of pizza to choose from there: sausage, pepperoni, jalapeno, hamburger, and triple cheese, which was Celeste's favorite. Then, while the guests were chowing down, Celeste's grandparents Lonnie and Daisy arrived, with Scruffy. Celeste quickly took Scruffy from Lonnie's hands and rushed him to the backyard, knowing his favored way to extinguish imaginary fires.
As Celeste opened the door, it was like a signal had been sounded, and Lucy, Fuzzy, and Alphonse all ran into the house, nearly knocking Celeste over. She managed to get Scruffy outside, but he didn't want to use the closest available tree, no--he wanted to save up for the festivities and doubtless countless fires inside. He trumpeted that he wanted in, and while Denise, Frieda, and Kayla helped gather up the other members of PAWS, Scruffy--apparently tired of waiting--discovered the "doggy" door and let himself back into the house.
By the time they had all been finally put into the backyard, Scruffy had successfully peed on almost everyone's legs there (some more than once), making sure that the Quince house was a Fire-Free Zone. Triple Q blocked the entrance of the "doggy" door with a massiv
e tool box he had in the closet, as a safeguard that there would be no further intrusions into the house while the party was going on. Celeste told her friends how sorry she was that Scruffy had peed on them, and they took turns in the bathroom trying to get as much of Scruffy's pee off of themselves as possible.
"That's okay, Celeste," Frieda said. "I have dogs myself, and I know how it is. Accidents happen, girl--don't let it get you feelin' bad on your birthday!"
"I know, that's right!" said Denise. "I don't have dogs, though my Dad promised me I can get a Macaw soon, and one that even can talk! If I get it in time, I might even be able to bring it to your Valentine's Day party this coming Saturday!"
Rachel added: "Your grandparents' dog didn't mean any harm, Cel! I can always have pants washed, so it's no big thang!"
Celeste's other friends expressed similar things, trying to reassure her that they weren't angry with her at something Scruffy had done. She had looked like she was on the point of tears, and was afraid her party had been ruined. A slight smile came to her face.
"Thanks for being so understanding," Celeste said. "You're all such good friends."
Dexter and Nicole finally pulled up in the driveway and came in with a couple of gifts for Celeste. Most of the guests had already had their spirits dampened along with their legs and feet by Scruffy, but Dexter and Nicole's arrival helped elevate them somewhat, because it meant that now they could have some cake and that Celeste would open their gifts to her soon.
Everyone exclaimed about how much they loved the delicious chocolate cake. Then, Celeste unwrapped her presents, holding each one up for her parents to take pictures if they wanted to, and her friends talked about what a "great haul" she had gotten. And it was--she had been given all sorts of books, board games, DVDs, CDs, T-shirts, and other cool stuff. I won't go into everything she got, but she seemed to love the ruby and diamond necklace I gave her, to match her bracelet. Also, she liked scary movies, so I'd chosen four she didn't have and got them for her, and I had bought her every Beatles CD she didn't already own.
Then, she opened up the envelope in which I'd had Quentin place the poem I'd written her. She read it aloud, because her friends wanted to hear what it said, but she couldn't very well say that it was from me, or they'd think she was crazy or something. Instead, she said that her father had written it, but as if it had come from me. She read:
"Fourteen Reasons Why"
There are more than fourteen reasons why
Many more, I said with a sigh
But here are fourteen of the reasons why
You are special to me:
1.) You don't complain (at least, not much)
At popping popcorn, and watching
Jurassic Park for the millionth time.
2.) My secrets are safe with you,
You're a person I can trust
When others might let me down.
3.) One glance at my empty food
Bowl or water bowl is enough for
You to know my need and to fill them up.
4.) You sometimes get mad at the things
That I do, but your anger soon passes like
A sudden storm that blows on through.
5.) You didn't laugh when I did a
Belly-flop, but you do laugh at my jokes
However lame they might be.
6.) You don't shy away from the
Dangers we face, but instead meet
Each one with resolve and grace.
7.) If I'm in a Grey kind of mood,
Or if I'm feeling kind of Blue,
You can always cheer me up
You always know what to do.
8.) When you rave to music, you
Make me want to, too. My confession
Is: I could never be as good as you.
9.) If I have an accident in your
Room, or on the rug, you pick
Me up, and give me a hug.
10.) You except me as I am,
Scales and all, and don't try to
Make me beg, or chase a ball.
11.) When I'm down and feeling
Sad, a single word from you
Can make me feel glad.
12.) You don't yell when you
Catch me eating food off your plate;
You just say: "Oh, well--you must
Have needed it worse than I!
13.) You give me food and water and a
Roof over my head at night, regardless
Of whether I roar or bite.
14.) You're always there when I need you,
On you, I can depend. No matter what,
You'll always be my best-est friend!
Chapter Seventeen
Benny the Beak and
The Hearts of Gold
When I let myself out the following morning, February 12th , I saw holes scattered here and there in the backyard. Not the kind that gophers or moles dig, but ones that were bigger, and were maybe two to three feet deep. And, in addition, I saw four scarlet Macaws near one of the holes, with a miniature, bird-sized shovel that they had been digging with at a furious pace until I interrupted their progress by running into the yard to try to capture them and discover the reason behind their destruction of the lawn.
However, when they saw me coming at them, they split up in four different directions, and flew away, as I roared angrily. One of them yelled, "Bwa-ack! Benny the Beak sure won't be happy about this!"
Before I could take off and fly after them, Clare came to the door and told me: "Lily, some people are still trying to sleep! Stop waking the entire neighborhood up, and come back into the house!"
I wondered to myself who this "Benny the Beak," was, and what he and his henchmen--er--birds--were looking for in our backyard. I knew from this past Halloween, having seen all of the Johnny Depps and Macaws then, that the neighborhood had been infiltrated by scarlet SNURFLES--still, I hadn't expected to one day wake up and see them digging holes in my backyard!
I grumbled and was in a bad mood the rest of the morning. There had to be something in the yard that they wanted desperately enough to dig for it, right under my nose. I had heard stories that Spanish conquistadors had made it this far into Arkansas, and in fact, there were designs and symbols etched into a few rock mountainsides that were within miles of Centralia. Checking online for references to the Spanish being in Arkansas, I read that it was rumored they had with them a treasure chest full of solid gold hearts. Could it be that whoever this "Benny the Beak," was thought the Spaniards had buried their treasure in our backyard?
I would have to watch the backyard and the Macaws like a hawk over the next few days, or the backyard would end up looking like one big crater in the ground. And, if the crazy Macaws accidently hit a water main or, worse, buried electrical wires--they'd be either some very wet or quick-fried birds. I'm not one to wish anything bad on anyone--but, I'd have to say that the scarlet Macaws would deserve whichever of those two fates happened to them.
Why scarlet? I've been asking myself that, also, because scarlet wasn't the only color by any means that SNURFLES could come in, and most of them weren't scarlet. If I could figure out why, in the last several months, I and PAWS have had dealings with more scarlet-colored SNURFLES than usual, I believe I could break this case wide open!
Maybe, just maybe, I thought to myself, the local branch of SNURFLES had been taken over or muscled out by the dreaded Scarlet Mafia. The Scarlet Mafia, as everyone knows, originated in South America (specifically, Brazil), and have had their feathers in almost every criminal activity you can imagine. They've been involved in nut and cuttlefish smuggling, money laundering, and lining the nests of corrupt politicians, if you know what I mean, among other felonious crimes.
I really hadn't thought before this that Frankie Sinister might be involved with the Scarlet Mafia, as well as the SNURFLES, but the name Benny the Beak that I heard one of the Macaws mention certainly sounded like it might be a name of a Mafia Godfather. Perhaps, I reasoned, Benny the Be
ak was the Mastermind behind the Mastermind--maybe he was the real leader behind both SNURFLES and the Scarlet Mafia!
I sent out a flurry of e-mails to my PAWS compadres, exited the house again, and flew to the houses of each member of PAWS. I told them that while I slept at night, each one would need to take turns guarding my backyard from the hole-digging feathered menaces. I also related my suspicions that our battle was not only against SNURFLES, but that they had joined forces now with the Scarlet Mafia, so we were fighting them, as well.
Later that day, I showed Celeste the holes so she wouldn't think it was I that had dug them, in an attempt to either bury or dig up bones. This was one of the only traits that pterodactyls shared with canines, so I wanted to make sure she knew the holes weren't my fault. Then, I told her who I'd seen digging the holes, and what one had said about Benny the Beak, and that I thought he might be the leader of both SNURFLES and the Scarlet Mafia.
"Lily, this sounds crazy, even for you!" Celeste said. "The Spanish conquistadors have been rumored to have traveled through Arkansas loaded with treasure, but why would either the SNURFLES or the Scarlet Mafia think that the treasure was buried in our backyard?"
"Now, Celeste," I said, calmly, "I didn't say that there weren't any--um--holes in my theory, just like there are in our yard; but the fact remains that I saw four scarlet Macaws digging in the backyard, and I chased them off, and one did yell as he was leaving: 'Benny the Beak sure won't be happy about this!'
"I obviously stopped them from doing something or finding something that this 'Benny the Beak' asked them to find. The most obvious explanation is that someone at some time buried something valuable in our yard, or that Benny the Beak has reason to think that someone buried something valuable there. Spaniards have traveled through here, so a reasonable supposition would be that Benny the Beak has done his research well on this subject, and maybe he's even discovered an old map that the conquistadors made. He has the 'Solid Gold Heart Fever,' Celeste--he's not going to stop trying to get the treasure--someone is going to have to make him stop, and that someone is me!"
