by Douglas Cobb
"Don't you mean 'that someone is I?" Celeste asked.
"Who died and appointed you the Chief of the Grammar Police?"
"That was rude, Lily!" Celeste said.
"Your face is, but do I say it is?" I said, layering another layer of rudeness on top of my previous offense. "I'm mad at you, because you always criticize my theories!" I added.
"You still shouldn't be rude, though!" Celeste said. "I have to admit, however bizarre your 'reasoning' has been in the past, at least some of it has been based on logic, but there's no such thing as someone having the 'Solid Gold Heart Fever'--girl fri-end!"
"Whatev-er!" I said. "This comes from someone who didn't think that there was such a thing as a Blue Scarab Beetle Plague, either, when there so obviously is!"
"Well, whomever is behind the holes, Lily, we need to fill them up before my Mom and Dad see them, or for sure they'll blame you," Celeste said.
"What do you mean, 'we'? I didn't dig those holes, chica!"
"Maybe not, but you're the one my parents will blame for making them, so you have to man--um--pterodactyl up, and grab a shovel, too!" Celeste said, walking over to the tool shed and grabbing two shovels that were hanging up, handing me one of them.
"You know," I told her, "this will just make Benny the Beak and his partners-in-crime that much angrier! They will have to start all over from scratch if they come back, and they won't like that!"
"Maybe so, Lily," Celeste said, "but we have you and PAWS to prevent that from happening, so we can all rest much easier!"
"Are you trying to be sarcastic?" I asked. "If so, it's not becoming of you. But, if the Macaws do come back, FYI, chica, I vow they'll be flying to their headquarters with their tail feathers between their scrawny legs!"
That first night, Prince Alphonse Saed stood guard. I was woken from a sound sleep around 1:30, by several Macaws squawking in terror. I quickly joined Alphonse to help him with any potential problems he might have, but he had the situation under control. He'd brought ten snakes with him, and he told me when the Scarlet Mafia showed up, he yowled: "Say hello to my leetle friends!"
Birds, not being fond of snakes (except for certain raptors like the eagles, which sometimes catch and eat them), generally try to get away from them as fast as possible once they see some, so the Macaws had taken flight upon the first glimpse of the slithering reptiles, squawking like frightened chickens. The rest of the night passed peacefully, but something told me the scarlet SNURFLES and the Scarlet Mafia were far from giving up.
****
"Chocolates, check. Balloons, check. Valentine's Day cards, check. Stuffed toy bears, check. Roses, check. Jewelry, check," I said to myself as I was checking off everything I had needed to purchase to make sure this Valentine's Day would be a special one.
And, these were the things I'd bought just for me.
Just kidding--I'm not that self-centered--I wouldn't buy myself a card, anyway. But, seriously, I was only making sure that I'd gotten enough little knick-knacks for Celeste, Triple Q, Clare, Lucy, Alphonse, and Fuzzy to warm their hearts on Valentine's Day. I was sticking to a strict budget of under $10,000--er--each. I promised myself I would be firm on this, and not waiver. Much....
Tonight would be Lucy Marmoset Higgins' turn to stand guard. It had been raining steadily all day, which gave me an idea of what she could do if the Scarlet Mafia dared to show their beaks here again. But, I don't want to get ahead of myself yet again, so I won't.
The weather was pretty cold, wet, and miserable, though. It was supposed to get into the forties for the low tonight, but at least we wouldn't get freezing rain. That always stunk when it happened, and I didn't want the power to go off in the middle of my favorite new series of the year: Terra Nova. It reminded me of life back in the 'hood, yo!
Celeste came home with a dozen red roses that Quentin had delivered to her school, as well as with her arms full of textbooks. Homework knows no holidays, unfortunately. So, while she was happy to have been sent the roses, she was not looking forward to an evening spent doing homework.
Tonight, I would sleep by the back door. Then, if and when the Scarlet Mafia made an appearance, I could join the fray that much faster and pitch in by Lucy's side driving the pernicious Pollys off.
That night, I had visions of solid gold (and chocolate) hearts dancing over my head. They'd sprouted arms and legs, like those trademarked candy-coated chocolate morsels with m's on them that you see in commercials. I dreamt what at first was a pleasant dream, in which I grabbed one after the other of the chocolate hearts, bit off their squirming arms and legs, and then popped the now dis-armed (and dis-legged) hearts into my mouth.
But, then the gold hearts got angry at me for eating their friends, and jabbed wee spears at me. They sang a strange song:
Stab and jab, jab and stab
Use your eyes to see--
Gold is not a treat to eat,
You'd break your teeth on our meat
Crab and Lobster, Lobster and Crab
Crusty crustaceans of the sea
Out of their shells, delicious to eat;
But, you'd break your fangs on
our kind of meat!
I woke up with a start, thinking similar to Ebenezar Scrooge that my dream must have been caused by something I ate. I'm sure that it wasn't because I had eaten an entire box of mixed chocolate pieces of candy, or that I then ate a whole buttered lobster for supper. Don't judge me; I'm a growing pterodactyl, and hitting a growth spurt.
And then, along with the sound of the rain that was still pouring down (though a bit lighter than it had been earlier), I heard a racket outside. There came to my ears ticked-off squawks and bwa-acks mixed with orangutan howls and chittering. This was my cue!
When I joined Lucy in the yard, there were not the four scarlet Macaws of last night, but probably four or five times that number, plus an eagle, to take care of any snakes that might still be around. Lucy and I put our plan into action, and flung the pre-made mudballs we'd prepared and stored in a cooler so that the rain wouldn't dissolve them, pelting the feathered fiends! Lucy's aim was uncanny, and soon our fowl enemies were muddy and disheveled and wanted no more of the royal butt-kicking we were delivering to them. They squawked and bwa-acked some more, then hauled their feathered mud-splattered hind ends out of there on the double.
****
Valentine's Day was sunny and the temperature was supposed to get into the low 60's. Spring was just around the corner! In the morning, I told Celeste about what had happened, and about my wacky dream about eating the chocolate hearts and the solid gold hearts attacking me with spears, and singing the nutty song they sang.
Celeste thought for a moment, and said: "Lily, I think your subconscious was trying to tell you something."
"What? That I should lay off eating so much rich food so close to bedtime? I knew that already, but oh, well--what does Jiminy Cricket know, anyway? Sometimes I'd like to slap that little insect silly!"
"Lily, that would be your conscience, not your subconscious!" Celeste said. "And, you must be kidding me--Jiminy Cricket? Come on!"
"Okay, I was joking with you--so sue me!" I said. "But, what is it that you believe my subconscious was trying to tell me, then, if not to limit my caloric intake?"
"It's as obvious as the beak on your face, Lily! Rather than spending so much time guarding the backyard, Lily, I have an alternate suggestion," she said with a smile.
"Oh, and what is that? Let them dig holes and find the Spanish treasure trove of solid gold hearts?" I asked.
"No, if that's even what they're after!" Celeste said. "Why not just use your X-Ray vision, Lily, locate the treasure chest yourself, and stop SNURFLES and the Scarlet Mafia from finding it? Let them know you've found it, prove it to them, and then they will not have a reason to dig in the yard!"
"X-Ray vis--" I said. "But of course! Like the song was saying: Use you eyes to see! Celeste, you are taking after your mom--you're definitely genius material!"
> "Oh, shucks! You say the sweetest things! Now, get out there and start finding that buried gold, before those Macaws come back!"
I was unaccustomed to taking orders, but since Celeste made a lot of sense, I did as she said, and after a quick scan of the ground, Bingo! Yes, I found an old buried Bingo game in a box that had for some reason been buried, perhaps as a form of Time Capsule.
But, right next to it--well, mere feet away--was the treasure chest! Score! And, when I and Celeste opened the lid together (after I used my heat ray to blast the rusty lock open), we had our evidence that Benny the Beak was correct about the legend, for the chest was, indeed, filled with solid gold hearts!
Celeste immediately ran into the house to tell her mom and dad what we'd found, and Clare and Triple Q came running out just as fast, wanting to see the gold with their own eyes.
"Who would've thought, we had buried Spanish gold right in our own backyard!" Triple Q said.
"And after all these years, it shines just like the hearts were made yesterday!" Clare said. "But, what should we do with it, Quent? There might be some sort of law about keeping gold you find, like there is in Florida. Maybe at least some of it needs to be donated to a museum."
"Hmm..." Quentin pondered. "Let's take it down to the Centralia Field Museum of Ancient Antiquities and let Professor Fritz Furlong take a look at it. I think it'd be a good idea to donate it to the museum. Then, both we and the public could see the gold hearts whenever we, or they, wanted--at least, during the hours the museum is open."
"I think that's a very good idea," Clare said, and Celeste also agreed.
I, of course, agreed too, but I couldn't reveal that to anyone at the moment. With the solid gold hearts on exhibition at the museum, Benny the Beak would have proof that there was no longer any gold in our backyard.
Though I was the one who found the treasure chest with the gold hearts in it, I was the one stuck at home while they took the chest to the museum. Blech! But it did give me time to turn on the T.V. and see what the latest poll said about Fuzzy Wally MacGee's standing in the mayoral race. Woo-hoo! Fuzzy now was at 44 percent, Kit Jorgenson had 38 percent, Frankie was at 15 percent, and " Other" had 3 percent. Fuzzy, for now, anyway, was in first place! Barring any unforseen occurrences, Fuzzy Wally MacGee would be Centralia's next mayor!
When Triple Q, Clare, and Celeste returned from the museum, they shared with me the good news that Professor Fritz Furlong had authenticated the find as being genuine Spanish gold that the conquistadors had buried hundreds of years ago. Perhaps they'd come under attack by Indians, and one or more had snuck off with the secret location committed to their memories, but something prevented them from coming back to claim the gold. Maybe as they were escaping with the information, they had been waylaid by the Indians. Maybe they got swallowed by quicksand, or met some other miserable fate. But, whoever had buried the gold hadn't been able to return to dig it back up.
What's more, while the Quinces were gone, Channel 5 News got a tip about the buried Spanish treasure (phoned in by Yours Truly) and interviewed them at the top of the museum steps between the two lion statues that sit on either side of the doors. Link Dinkerson was the on-scene reporter, and he referred to Triple Q as "a great benefactor of Centralia, and a contributor to further knowledge about a hitherto unknown chapter in Centralia's history."
****
Red and scarlet, scarlet and red--colors I'd come to detest over the last few months, but on Valentine's Day, they were the colors du jour! Ever the kind to assimilate and fit in, I did what the Romans did, and embraced the colors of red and scarlet on this day as if they were my favorites. That was good, as the entire house was decorated in those colors (and white and pink), with streamers and balloons everywhere.
Celeste's friends began to arrive for the party at 6:30. The same six had been invited as were at her birthday party. Kayla, Loren, Frieda, Denise, Rachel, and Christine. Denise was the last one to arrive, and she had a scarlet Macaw on her right shoulder and an eye patch over her right eye, as if she was a pirate. It would perhaps be more accurate to say that it was a white eye cup or protective covering than the traditional black eye patch.
"Bwa-ack! Benny wants gold!" the scarlet Macaw said in a manner as if it was an order, and he was used to being respected and obeyed.
"Cracker, Benny, we practiced all day--say cracker!" Denise coached.
"To heck with crackers!" Benny the Beak said, pecking her dangerously close to her eye patch. . He resembled Frankie very closely, by he had a green stripe of color at the top of both of his wings, just below his wing joints were they connected to his body. "I gots the fever, baby, the Solid Gold Heart Fever, and Benny wants gold! I can buy all the crackers I need with gold!
"Now, break it out, and let's break it down, everybody! Let's d-d-dance!" Benny the Beak shouted, and everyone in the room started dancing to the song "Just Dance," that had started playing on one of Celeste's mix CDs as Benny bobbed his head, swayed to the left and then to the right, and leaned back, then did an elaborate dance while Celeste's friends encouraged him by shouting: "Go, Benny! Go, Benny! Go Benny! Go! Whoop, whoop, whoop!" To be honest, for being the Godfather of a criminal organization, Benny the Beak had some smooth dance moves.
But then, after Benny's dance, his voice suddenly got gravelly and serious. He said: "Lily, I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse. Give me the solid gold hearts the conquistadors buried in your backyard, or I'll make the Chicago St. Valentine's Day Massacre back in the days of the gangsters look like a walk in the park!"
"Benny, or should I say Mr. Beak," Celeste began, "you must not have a T.V. or a radio, because if you had, you would have heard that we have already donated the Spanish treasure to the Centralia Field Museum of Ancient Antiquities. Even if we wanted to give you the gold, we couldn't. I suggest you leave, and don't bother me or my friends ever again!"
"You suggest, do you? I suggest that you say you made a mistake, and you want the gold back, and then you give the solid gold hearts to me. And then, maybe nobody gets hurt, if you catch my drift. But, we don't have a beef with you--we have one with your pet there, Lily. No gold, and accidents can happen. People can get run over. Bones can get broken," Benny the Beak said menacingly, scanning the faces of everyone in the room. "I'm offerin' nicely, here--what's your answer?"
Just then, the animal-lover Clare, who ordinarily wouldn't hurt a fly, who had been quietly sneaking up behind Benny, hit him on his head with a frying pan. It was a blow that was heavy enough to knock him out and give him a mild concussion, but not enough to do any permanent harm to him.
"I feel so bad that I did that, Cel!" she said. "Despite what I did, and how much that loud-mouthed windbag deserved it, violence is never the solution!"
"Way to go, Mom!" Celeste said, and her friends said things like "Yeah, way to go, Mrs. Q!" and "That's the way to teach him a lesson!".
"I didn't know you had it in you!" said Triple Q.
"Now, the problem is: what are we going to do with him? His gang will try to retaliate, and when Benny recovers, he'll still want the gold and more than ever want to get revenge on us!" Clare said. "And, he's such a crook, he'd probably try to sue us for the medical bills!" She had bent down, and carefully gathered up the groggy bird in her arms.
"He can't do that if he's behind bars in the Big House," Celeste said.
"He's a bird, Celeste! No one's going to convict him and send him to jail!" Quentin argued.
"I didn't say 'jail,' Dad," Celeste said, "I said 'the Big House,' meaning behind bars where he belongs in our house, if it's okay with Denise and her parents, anyway. Then, his gang will leave us alone, for fear that if they do anything, we'll make sure that their Boss gets rubbed out, or fitted with a new pair of cement tennis shoes!"
Denise then spoke: "Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Quince, and Celeste, but that would be fantastic by me, and I think that it would be fine with my parents, also. That bird has been nothing but trouble ever since it flew down from
a branch of our willow tree onto my Dad's arm when he was raking leaves. He didn't cost us any money, he just appeared.
"At first, he was nicer, but still he took delight in doing things like flying around inside the house, pooping everywhere. When he would land on one of our arms, he'd try to bite our ears and noses with his beak, and he scratched the cornea of my eye! That's why I have this eye patch on!"
"Hmm...well, Denise, if your Mom and Dad agreed to letting us have Benny, that would solve a lot of problems," Triple Q said. "Of course, even though you got him for free, I'd insist on paying your parents what he'd cost in a pet store, so then you could go with them and buy yourself a pet that was much nicer, and that you could love, instead of one that is mean to you."
"I'll phone them right now, Mr. Quince, and let them know what you told me!" Denise said excitedly.
Her parents practically agreed before Denise got the words out of her mouth. It would solve some problems, I thought to myself; but, it would also cause some, too, and I didn't really like the idea of the leader of both the SNURFLES and the Scarlet Mafia living in our basement, even if he'd be safely locked away in a cage. But, I wasn't asked for my opinion.
This was a special night, in more ways than one. The people of Centralia would be deciding who their mayor would be, and the city's potential fate for the next several years. Because of this, Celeste had been given permission to have Fuzzy Wally MacGee in her bedroom during the party, as long as he stayed there and didn't tear up the house or use the bathroom inside.
