Dreams Unspoken

by R. J. Layer

  Tucker laughed. “Nah, I know it looks…”

  “Hideous,” Jo supplied.

  “Yeah, well, I guess it does, but I got the idea for it because of your friend’s boy.”

  Jo cocked her head and looked at the apparatus. “Okay, show me.”

  He smiled and hoisted the awkward-looking saddle out of his truck and carried it to the barn where he set it on a hay bale. He straddled it to show her how it could secure someone undersized atop a horse. As he explained the purpose for each attachment, Jo realized it was one of her old saddles.

  “I hope you don’t mind my borrowing this from the tool shed.”

  “Not at all, Tucker.” She continued to inspect the contraption. “As hideous as it looks, I’d say it’s some imaginative engineering.” She met his smiling eyes. “I suppose we’re going to test this with Maria’s son.”

  He shrugged. “If she wants. If not, I’ll find someone to. Maybe I can sell this design to that big outfit that’s going to open the stables with the riding trails through the reserve.”

  She considered again her dream of someday having a dude ranch. Maybe it could be more than that. Not just a dude ranch, but a place to serve kids like Matt. She’d have to learn a lot more about horse therapy, but the possibilities were endless, not only for the profitable operation she could run, but also for the charitable contribution she could make.

  She smiled as she patted his back. “I’m proud of you, Tucker. Let me know whatever I need to do to help.” She circled the hay bale, checking it from all angles. “I think I can persuade Maria to let us put Matt on it for a ride. If not, I know some other boys that would probably try it out in a heartbeat.” Tucker grinned.

  Jo was anxious for Maria to visit again, even if she would be accompanied by her sister-in-law and her brood of boys. She’d take time spent with Maria anyway she could get it.

  Maria called Wednesday evening while Jo was eating dinner.

  “I was just having the last of the leftovers and thinking about you.”

  “Do I want to know what you were thinking?”

  Jo swallowed a mouthful. “I was trying to figure out how I could convince you to give up real estate and come work for me as my domestic engineer.”

  Maria chuckled. “An impressive title, but I’m not sure I could do that all day then come home and have to do the same here too.”

  “What if the job came with fringe benefits?”

  “I’m afraid to ask,” Maria said lightheartedly.

  “How about free riding lessons and all the riding time you want?”

  Maria laughed easily. “Such a funny one you are, Jo Marchal.”

  Jo loved when they could banter like the best of girlfriends. “Hey, I try. You know the more you laugh the longer you live. Heck, you might even live long enough to get over your fear of horses.”

  “Excuse me, oh great horse whisperer, but I think I’ve made great strides recently. At least I can stand near them without having an anxiety attack, and I can touch them without wetting myself.”

  “That’s down right embarrassing,” Jo howled. “And thank you for not piddling on my boots.”

  They both laughed wildly. “Stop it!” Maria exclaimed. “I can’t catch my breath.” Jo heard her gasp. “Promise me something, Jo.”

  Jo tamed her giggles. “Sure if I can. What?”

  “Promise me you’ll never stop making me laugh.”

  Jo smiled and wished with all her heart that she was looking in Maria’s eyes at that moment. “I think I can keep that promise. We’re like…good friends, right?”

  “The very best kind.”

  * * *

  It was several weeks before Maria and her posse pulled into the Lazy Daisy Farm for the Saturday cookout. Matt was content to sit in the yard with Jake, who seemed perfectly content to sit and have Matt pet him. The other boys ran off to explore, but only after receiving explicit instructions from Kathleen not to get into anything.

  “I don’t think there’s anything they can hurt, except maybe themselves,” Jo assured Kathleen.

  “That’s what boys do.” Kathleen waved her hand. “I wouldn’t know it was the weekend unless there was some blood and tears.”

  “I have a surprise for you,” Jo said to Maria as she hoisted a heavy cooler from the back of Kathleen’s van.

  “O—kay.”

  Maria couldn’t stop herself from staring at Jo’s muscled arms as she carried the cooler. As she and Kathleen set everything up on Jo’s newly acquired picnic table, Jo started grilling the hot dogs and hamburgers. Kathleen’s boys were polite and well mannered, and after eating, when Jo offered horseback rides, there was hooting and hollering. Kathleen stood at Daisy Mae’s stall with the four boys while Jo led Maria to the tack room to show her Tucker’s invention.

  “He did this for Matt?”

  Jo ran her hand over the worn leather. “Basically, yeah, Matt was his inspiration. Tucker said he could see the joy in Matt’s eyes when he rode with me. He thought he might really like riding on his own.” Jo picked up one of the two-ways and keyed the mike. “Hey, Tucker, time to head in so we can try this new gadget of yours.”

  They waited a minute before the radio crackled with Tucker’s voice. “I’m down in the reserve, but headed your way. Be there quick as Cobalt’s bringing me, boss.”

  “Good, ‘cause you got an anxious bunch of volunteers.”

  The saddle worked terrifically. Each of Kathleen’s boys took a ride around the pasture first, then they put Matt on. The pleasure on Maria’s face made Jo’s heart swell as Tucker walked Daisy Mae slowly with Matt tightly secured in the saddle.

  “Will you be around tomorrow?” Maria asked later as they were reloading the van.

  Jo put the cooler in the back and closed the hatch. “Sure, after dinner at my folks.”

  “I might stop back out if that’s all right.”

  “Yeah, sure, I’ll probably be home by three.” She did a mental fist pump.

  Maria placed a hand on Jo’s arm. “Thank you for today. I’ll be forever indebted to you for giving Matt more joy than he’s ever had. I could feel his happiness when he sat up on the horse.”

  Jo ran a hand through her hair. “You don’t owe me a thing. I would have never thought to try and engineer something like Tucker did. He’s a smart one, that boy.”

  Maria’s smile was as warm as the spot where her hand rested on Jo’s forearm. “In any case, it would have never happened if you hadn’t invited us out here in the first place, so thank you. And don’t change any plans you have for tomorrow on the chance that I can get away, but I do want to try and come back out.”

  “I’ll be around.”

  Maria climbed into the passenger seat while Kathleen’s boys pleaded for a return trip.

  “Anytime you want to bring them out let me know,” Jo said to Kathleen.

  “Thank you. My boys will be reliving this day for weeks. You can probably count on seeing us again.”

  * * *

  Jo hated that she had to turn down her dad’s invite to watch the football game after dinner on Sunday, but something told her she needed to be home in case Maria showed up. She kissed his cheek and promised to catch next Sunday’s game.

  “She’s a very nice woman.” He took hold of her hand.

  “Pops, Maria and I are just good friends. There isn’t anything else.” She was embarrassed having this conversation with him. His cheeks colored more than she had seen in a very long time.

  He squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry for assuming.”

  Jo leaned down and gave him a quick hug. “It’s okay, Pops. There isn’t anyone right now in my life.”

  “But you’re happy?” The wrinkles around his eyes deepened.

  She smiled at the possibility of seeing Maria again. “Yeah, Pops, I’m happy.”

  He raised her hand and kissed it tenderly. “Then I’m happy.”

  “I’ll see you for dinner and football next Sunday.”

  She said a
goodbye to her mom and hit the road. As much as she wanted to keep her mind on her reason for rushing home, she thought about the exchange with her dad. There didn’t seem to be any question that he now accepted who she was. And that single thought brought a torrent of tears as she pushed down the highway.

  She was home forty-five minutes before she told Maria she would be. She wanted to ride—needed to—to lift the heavy feeling in her heart. Heading straight to the barn, she grabbed her saddle. Calypso was grazing the closest by, so she gave a whistle. She wouldn’t get the wild ride on Calypso that she would on Cobalt, but he was nowhere in sight. She galloped the horse toward the lower field. If she could keep Calypso running, they’d have time to make it into the reserve to the creek and back before Maria arrived, if she was coming.

  When they reached the water, she dismounted and Calypso dipped her head for a drink from the cool stream. This had become her new thinking spot. Here the peacefulness enveloped her like her favorite old flannel shirt. She sat on a fallen tree while Calypso nibbled on the lush grasses along the creek’s bank.

  She couldn’t shake the heart sickening thought that after decades her dad finally accepted her and now he wouldn’t be with her much longer. Why was life so damned unfair? Her parents were such religious people. Why was their god so unfair? The tears readily came again, but when Calypso snorted and something scampered under the tree where Jo sat, she snapped out of her negative thinking and took the reins.

  “Come on, girl, we better get back in case we’re getting company.”

  She laughed. Yeah, so I’d rather talk to horses than people. But then they never talked back or told her what she should do. They only offered companionship, loyalty, and Jo trusted them implicitly. As they rode back over the rise, she saw Maria standing on the fence beside the barn, looking out. Her mood swung as she trotted the horse closer, but when Maria looked like she was ready to bolt, she halted Calypso and quickly hopped down.

  “I’m a little early. You’re not late.” Maria smiled at her.

  Jo pulled the saddle off her horse and threw it over the fence rail. Once she removed the bridle, Calypso wandered away.

  “That’s a beautiful horse. What’s its name?”

  “Calypso.”

  “Calypso,” Maria repeated. “How do you horse people come up with such unique and unusual names?”

  Jo shrugged and looked back at the horse. “I’m not sure. Sometimes something just pops in your head.”

  When Jo faced her again and looked into her eyes, Maria saw a deep sadness. Her heart sank.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked, knowing Jo had been to visit her parents.

  “Yeah.” Jo nodded. “My dad shared something today I never in a million years would have expected.” She quickly looked away, but not before Maria caught the tears forming in her eyes.

  Maria reached over the rail and touched Jo’s shoulder. “Anything you want to talk about?”

  “Nah.” Jo picked up her saddle. “Let me put this up and we can sit on the porch or out back on the deck.”

  Maria returned to her car and grabbed the bag from behind the seat. She walked with more than a little apprehension into the barn, clutching the paper sack in both arms to her chest. She found Jo in the tack room. When Jo noticed her, she propped an elbow on the nearest saddle stand, looking rather surprised.

  “Here.” Maria crossed the room.

  “What’s this, more leftovers?” Jo took the offered bag.

  Maria shook her head. “Courage.”

  “What?” Jo peered into the bag, a smile creeping across her face. “Courage for…”

  Maria wrung her hands. “For me. I thought I could try this horse thing again.”

  “Okay…”

  “Well, if my son is going to ride one of those big animals, I figure I’d better get over my fear of them.”

  Jo’s smile didn’t waver. “So, you want me to get you drunk so you’re not afraid?”

  “Oh no, not drunk!” Maria waved her hands. “Only one.” She raised an index finger. “You know, to calm my nerves a little.”

  “Okay, but let’s get some cold ones.”

  Jo motioned Maria ahead of her. She was dressed in jeans and a suede jacket, more casually than ever before. Her boots weren’t exactly cowboy boots, with their two-inch heels, but overall she looked more like she could belong on a farm.

  Maria drank an entire beer before she would let Jo take her out into the pasture in the four-wheel drive Gator to find Daisy Mae. Jo grabbed an apple in case Maria wanted to try feeding the horse.

  She didn’t. When they returned to the barn, though, she told Jo, “I think it’s a little less intimidating out in the open than in the barn.”

  “Really? Why do you suppose?”

  “I’m not sure. Maybe more room to run.”

  Jo laughed. “For you or the horse?”

  “Both.” She gave Jo’s arm a light punch.

  “How about we have another beer, or do you have to go?”

  Maria checked her watch. “I’ve got time, but no beer for me.”

  Jo decided to follow suit and forgo another beer herself. They settled out on the deck with its spectacular view of the changing fall foliage. God, why can’t every minute of every day feel like this?

  Maria sighed. “God, I love it out here.”

  Jo wondered if God would hear them both and somehow make her wish come true. After sitting for long silent minutes, Jo finally asked, “So where’s Matt this afternoon?”

  “He went with Kathleen and her boys to the movies.”

  “He seems to get on real well with them.”

  “He’s like a puppet for them. They can drag him along and into anything…literally.”

  It amazed Jo how Maria’s eyes always twinkled when she spoke about her son.

  “You don’t ever talk about your husband.”

  The twinkle vanished as quickly as it had appeared and Maria gazed into the distance. “There isn’t really anything to talk about.”

  “I’m sorry.” Jo felt bad for bringing up an obviously unwelcome subject.

  Maria faced Jo. “Don’t be silly. I hardly think about it anymore.” Jo kept her eyes on Maria’s as she spoke automatically, it seemed, and without feeling. “He doesn’t have anything to do with Matt. He won’t even acknowledge him as his son. He’s my son, my responsibility. Jack can’t see past Matt’s handicap and I can’t see past that.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe he and Kathleen are brother and sister. They’re as different as day and night.”

  “Sure seems pretty darn evident how much Matt loves you even if he can’t express it like most kids.”

  Maria nodded. “I’d give my life for him.”

  As dusk cloaked them, Maria headed out.

  “Be careful, it’s that time of day the deer start to wander out.”

  “I will. And thanks, Jo. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  Jo watched her disappear into the darkening evening. She hoped that Maria’s determination to get past her fear would mean more visits. Whistling, she headed in.

  * * *

  Maria stopped out the next two weekends. Always on Saturday, though, so as not to interfere with the time Jo spent visiting her parents. On the first Saturday in November, with the temperatures predicted to hit sixty degrees, Maria felt as though she was ready to lead Daisy Mae on a walk in the pasture with her son aboard. She had, after all, braved standing next to Jo’s biggest stallion, Cobalt, without suffering an anxiety attack. Daisy was like a grandma in comparison, but Maria seemed anxious as Jo placed the reins in her hand.

  “You can’t believe how nervous this makes me.” Maria’s hands trembled noticeably.

  “It’ll be fine. Think about how much enjoyment this is for Matt. Breathe deep and relax.”

  Maria led Daisy Mae slowly about a quarter mile around the pasture. She was smiling like a kid herself when they stopped at the hay bales inside the barn where Jo waited to help Matt off the horse.
/>   “That was great. I’m so proud of you,” Jo said, lowering Matt into Maria’s arms.

  Maria rolled her eyes. “If you could feel how fast my heart’s beating, you’d understand how terrifying this is for me.”

  “Maybe we should have a cold one to calm your nerves.”

  Holding Matt at her side, she raised her eyes and looked at Jo. “I can’t.”

  At that precise moment, Jake raced into the barn and to Matt’s side. Matt let go of his mother’s hand and knelt to let Jake lick his face.

  “Jake!”

  Maria watched with a grin. “He’s fine.” She looked again at Jo. “Still jealous?”

  Jo laughed. “Yeah, maybe. Hey, I’ve got iced tea.”

  Maria looked at her son. “That sounds good.”

  Maria thought Jo’s face might split with the wide grin she was wearing. On their way out, she admitted, “It was kind of thrilling. Thanks for nudging me to take such a big step. I will find some way to repay all your encouragement.”

  Kate showed up later unexpectedly, but Jo firmly declined her dinner offer, pleased that she was able to hustle her on her way in short order.

  On Sunday, Jo was shocked to see what a downhill turn her dad had taken.

  “Why didn’t you call me?” Eileen was moving about the kitchen in a trance. “Mom?” She finally took her mom gently by the shoulders. “Mom, when did he get so bad and why didn’t you call me?”

  Tears welled in her mom’s eyes. “Tuesday, he couldn’t help me.” Her voice quivered. “I couldn’t get him out of bed, so I called the Hospice people. Oh God, Jo Lynn, what am I going to do?” When she broke down Jo did the only thing she could think to do. She wrapped her mom in her arms and held her.

  “We’ll get through it, Mom.”

  When Eileen quit crying, Jo made them tea, sat her mom at the table and excused herself. She stopped and looked in at her dad from the doorway.

  “He’s not in any pain.” The voice startled her.

  Jo spun around to see a fortyish woman sitting in the spare room across the hall with a book in her lap. She laid the book aside and stood.

  “I’m Lena from Hospice,” she said as she approached Jo extending her hand. “I’m here during the day shift to help your family through this. You must be their daughter, Jo Lynn.”