Dreams Unspoken

by R. J. Layer

  Maria shrugged, but finally said, “I don’t know what I was thinking.” Jo’s forehead wrinkled. “I don’t know why I thought having another baby would bring Jack and me closer. All it did was to drive a permanent wedge between us.”

  “You couldn’t have known that would happen.”

  She looked down into the cup. “New Year’s Eve was the first time we’d been intimate in a year.”

  Jo’s chest tightened. It hurt to know that this man who was undeserving of a woman like Maria could have her in that way.

  “I don’t know what we’re going to do or how we’ll manage.”

  Not for the first time, Jo wanted to take Maria in her arms. She wanted to hold her and tell her she’d take care of them, but instead she reached over and laid her hand on Maria’s. “You have strengths you’re not even aware of. You’re all going to be fine, I know it.” And she did, because she would take care of them if need be.

  Maria looked weary when her eyes met Jo’s. Her voice quivered. “I don’t know. I’m not confident and self-assured like you. You manage a home, horses, a farm, so much at once.” She sighed heavily.

  “And I have people that help me with a lot of stuff.” She held Maria’s gaze. “You have people who care for you who will help you through this.”

  “I don’t want to become more dependent on the people I care about.”

  “I know sometimes it’s hard to ask for help, but I want you to know you can always call me…for anything, and if I can help in any way, I will.”

  A little sadness left her eyes. “How did I happen across a special friend like you, Jo Marchal?”

  Jo winked. “Just lucky, I guess.” Maria tried at a smile.

  Chapter Seventeen

  In the weeks that followed Maria became a regular guest at the farm, showing up at least every Saturday with Matt in tow and sometimes unexpectedly. Jo was grateful for the time to share with them. They talked at least once during the week, and if Jo called Maria and had to leave a message, Maria always got back to her. The days of avoiding were behind them. Whatever had caused it, Jo still didn’t know, and at this juncture she wasn’t worrying about it. The relationship blossomed into a comfortable friendship. Jo relished any attention Maria bestowed on her, and in return Jo worked to build Maria’s self-esteem and erase the self-doubt her husband—correction, almost ex-husband—had instilled. With the last weekend of May approaching, Jo asked Maria if she could stop out alone on Saturday for a while. Maria agreed to be there between three and four in the afternoon.

  By four thirty, Jo was pacing the barn. Finally she heard the car pull in and stepped out into the bright sunlight in time to see Maria racing for the house. She leaned against the side of the barn waiting. When Maria emerged, she gave Jo a little wave, making her way over.

  “Sorry.” Maria placed a hand on her belly. “She’s been pressed on my bladder for three days in a row now.”

  “She?” Jo pushed off the barn. “You found out the sex of the baby?”

  Maria followed her into the barn. “Well, no, but Kathleen swears it’s a girl because of the way I’m carrying.”

  Jo stopped. “You can really tell that way?”

  “A lot of women believe so, yes.”

  She looked long and hard at Maria’s extended abdomen. “Interesting.”

  “And what do you think?”

  Jo gave a moment’s thought. “That what they say about pregnant women becoming more beautiful is true.” Her cheeks warmed.

  Maria gave her arm a light jab. “That’s cute, Jo, thanks.”

  Jo shrugged. “Are you still allowed to ride?”

  Maria stepped over to the stall where Daisy Mae hung her head over the gate. She touched the top of her soft nose. “Yes, but no barrel racing.”

  Jo moved close and stroked the horse’s neck. “Well, you know Daisy Mae, she barely trots. So, you up for a ride?”

  Maria looked up into her eyes. “Sure.”

  They slowly made their way to a stand of trees in the northeast corner of the pasture.

  As they neared, Maria asked, “What’s that?” The large plastic box was hard to miss.

  Jo glanced over at Maria, who now looked completely comfortable sitting atop a horse. She would have never guessed she could get Maria past her fear, and yet, here they were. Jo often reminded Maria that everyone has hidden strengths, you sometimes simply have to dig deep to find them.

  Of course when Maria had asked Jo what fears she had to overcome, Jo assured her she didn’t have any she was aware of. She wasn’t sure if Maria believed her or not. And if Jo asked Maria if she thought there was anything she needed to work on, Maria told Jo she needed to work on being less charming. Jo would blush feverishly and Maria would chuckle.

  Jo answered, “It’s why I brought you out here.”

  Maria looked at her suspiciously when Jo hopped down and loosely wrapped Cobalt’s reins around the fence.

  When Jo offered a hand to help Maria down, she said, “You realize if I get off this horse there will probably be no getting me back up here. I don’t see any hay bales sitting around.”

  “We’ll get you up there. We have the cooler, but if necessary, I’ll hoist you up on my shoulders.”

  Maria chuckled. “We? Have you got a strong man in your back pocket?”

  Jo raised her arms and flexed them. “Don’t need one. I got these.” She pointed to a solid bicep.

  “As much as I hate to admit this, I’m sure I outweigh you, and I don’t think those,” she pointed to Jo’s arms, “will be enough to heft this.” She patted her behind.

  Jo reached up to Maria. “I bet you don’t. Come down from there.”

  Maria didn’t budge. “What are we betting?”

  “Loser treats winner to a lavish dinner of winner’s choice.”

  “Deal.” Maria grinned. “So what you got there, cowgirl?”

  Jo struck a bodybuilder’s pose and flexed her arms again. “One fifty and still growing.”

  “Ha!” Maria laughed. “You lose.”

  “No way! Give it up.”

  Maria grinned again. “One fifty-five last week and definitely still growing. Like I said, you lose.”

  Jo smiled inwardly. It was one of the best bets she’d ever lost. She would gladly lose again for the chance to take Maria out somewhere to dinner.

  Maria’s back pressed into Jo, Jo’s hands sliding from Maria’s hips and up her sides as she helped her down. Maria’s breasts were so close to Jo’s hands she had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from gasping. She smelled Maria’s shampoo and her intoxicating perfume. Jo’s thighs tingled and a slow throb started between them.

  Dear lord, help me.

  The feel of Jo’s hands on her hips made Maria instantly horny. When she leaned into Jo as her feet touched the ground, she wanted to pull Jo’s arms tightly around her. Oh God, if my hormones don’t settle soon, I’m going to combust. And she would definitely have to start staying away from Jo.

  Jo opened the large cooler, pulled out a blanket and spread it on the ground. She extended her hand to Maria.

  “Will you join me for a picnic?”

  Maria took her hand and allowed Jo to help her sit. She was awash with emotions as she blinked back tears.

  “Are you all right?” Jo asked in alarm. “Did I seat you on a rock?”

  Maria waved a hand. “No, no, it’s just that no one’s ever done anything so sweet like this for me, and my hormones are all over the place.” She dabbed at her damp eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  Jo sat with her legs crossed a few feet away. “You don’t ever have to be sorry about anything with me, Maria.” She gave a wistful smile and pulled a bottle of sparkling cider from the cooler. “I thought we’d celebrate. I would have brought that bottle you gave me last year, but you went and got yourself pregnant.” Maria raised her brows. “It’s been a year since I bought this place.” Jo looked around them. “This magnificent place.” She began pulling food containers from the cooler
. “So, I thought we should celebrate with a picnic in the middle of this majestic place you found for me.”

  Jo knew the first time she’d ridden to this spot that it was the most incredible place on her hundred and fifteen acres and she’d been waiting for just the right time to share it with Maria. She knew she couldn’t ever share a life or love with Maria, but this special moment in time, along with so many others over the last year, would stay with her forever. She could be content to visit them in her dreams.

  They snacked on cheese, crackers and fruit, enjoying the non-alcoholic bubbly, although Jo wouldn’t have said no to a couple of beers to calm her jangled nerves. Being alone with Maria seemed to heighten sensations in every nerve of her body. There was no denying how much she loved every minute she shared with her. As they ate, Jo talked about her future plans to expand the horse farm into a ranch when she could acquire the surrounding properties, and Maria talked about baby names, diapers and doing three a.m. feedings again after so many years.

  When Maria shifted, noticeably uncomfortable, and emitted a little moan, Jo asked, “You okay?”

  Maria pressed a hand against her lower back. “Typical pregnancy pains.” She winced. “It’ll get worse as I gain more weight.”

  “Anything I can do?”

  Maria leaned to one side and tried to stretch her back. “Not unless you packed a masseuse in that cooler.”

  “Well, I’m no masseuse, but I can rub your back if it’ll help.”

  Maria exhaled a long breath. “Oh God, would you? I’ll forfeit my winning bet for a back rub.”

  “You don’t have to give away your free dinner.”

  Maria maneuvered herself half onto her belly next to Jo, who worked her hand in small circles beginning at her spine and out to each side above her hips.

  Why couldn’t she have found this wonderful woman before she met and married her husband? She might very well have been a lesbian too. No, she knew why. She wouldn’t have Matt, and she lived and breathed for her son. Everything happens for a reason, she reminded herself. After so many years of loneliness, she was happy to have Jo a part of her life…if only to share some time with her.

  “How’s that?” Jo asked in a husky voice.

  Maria groaned. “Mmm…I’ll give you an hour to stop.”

  Jo chuckled. “Okay.”

  “You know, I’ve never known anyone I’ve been so comfortable with like I am with you. You’re so easy to be around.”

  Jo wanted Maria to lay there against her thigh…well, forever. It felt so good that she had to force herself to not think about how comfortable she could get with Maria snuggled up against her. Maria aroused her in ways no woman ever had.

  “I’m pretty laidback.” Jo’s hand paused briefly before continuing its circular motion. “I guess I’m a comfortable kind of gal.”

  Maria reached back suddenly and stilled Jo’s hand. “She likes your back rub.” She pulled Jo’s hand around to her abdomen. When Jo felt the movement, her hand jerked. Maria giggled, but held on. “She won’t bite. She’s just getting comfortable too.”

  The repeated subtle movement in Maria’s belly made Jo smile. It was extraordinarily special to have Maria sharing this with her.

  “Wow! Doesn’t that hurt?”

  Maria kept hold of her hand and moved it, causing the baby to kick again. “Occasionally yes, but mostly you get used to it.” Maria shifted over onto her back, pressing very firmly against Jo’s thigh, and gazed up into her eyes while still holding Jo’s hand against her. “I think she likes you.”

  Jo smiled down at the dark eyes holding her gaze. This could be one of those moments that could change a person’s life. But her better senses prevailed, and she refrained from leaning down and kissing Maria, as much as her entire body ached for the touch and taste of her lips.

  Maria felt as if she’d slipped into a fairy tale. Jo’s touch made her heart pound so fiercely she was sure she would notice. She half expected her strong arms to sweep her into an embrace at any moment. As if sensing the moment might somehow turn dangerous, one of the horses whinnied, bringing them both back to reality.

  “Does your back feel any better?” Jo’s voice was hoarse.

  Realizing she still held Jo’s hand, Maria let go. “It does, thank you.”

  Jo’s eyes wandered over the vast field that stretched out of sight beyond the corner of the pasture. “Thank you for finding me such a wonderful place to live.” Jo reached with her strong arms to help Maria sit when she struggled to push herself up.

  “I’m glad you’re happy here.” She wanted to touch Jo’s face, slip her fingers into her hair and pull her closer than the space that separated them, but instead she said, “I hate to end such a wonderful picnic, but we should probably head back soon.” She frowned. “I’m going to need the bathroom.” She tipped her head. “Sorry.”

  Gauging from the sun, it was probably going on six o’clock and neither of them were dressed for the cool air that would descend with the setting sun. Jo started to get up, but Maria stopped her.

  “This was more than thoughtful, Jo, thank you.”

  Jo gave a nod. “You’re more than welcome.”

  They packed everything back into the cooler, and with only a minor struggle and Jo’s assistance, Maria was back in the saddle on Daisy Mae. She made a beeline for the bathroom in the house while Jo carried the remainder of the sparkling cider to the kitchen. When Maria took her usual seat at the island, Jo slid a flute of the cider across to her.

  Jo raised her glass. “To friends.”

  Maria sat staring at the counter. When she finally looked up, batting back tears, she tried to smile. “Yes.”

  Maria looked brokenhearted. Jo felt a sudden wave of guilt that she’d somehow caused it. She moved around the island to sit beside her. “I didn’t mean to upset you, Maria.”

  Maria brushed her fingers under her eyes. “No, I’m sorry, it’s not you.”

  Jo’s heart ached. She turned Maria’s stool to face her, but Maria wouldn’t look at her. She lifted Maria’s chin and when she raised her eyes to meet Jo’s, mere inches separated them.

  Desire sparked, and without a word or warning, Maria leaned forward and touched her lips to Jo’s.

  Her lips tasted sweet like the cider, Jo thought. But then again she guessed they always tasted wonderful. A moan escaped her throat, and Maria pulled back, emitting a tiny gasp.

  “Oh God, Jo, I’m sorry. I—I’m—” Maria stuttered.

  “Curious?” Jo said, offering Maria an out. Maria lowered her head. They were still so close that Jo could smell her fragrant hair. “’Cause I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be the first straight woman to kiss someone like me.”

  “Oh God, please don’t let this ruin our friendship.” Maria stumbled away. “I…I have to go.” She rushed from the kitchen.

  “Maria,” Jo called. She caught her arm just before she got out the front door. She turned around but wouldn’t look Jo in the eyes.

  “Our friendship is fine,” Jo said softly. “I promise.” Maria still refused to look at her. “Please, Maria, don’t leave upset.” She held onto Maria’s arm.

  Maria shook her head. “No, I’m…it’s okay, really.”

  Jo lifted her chin again, this time ensuring plenty of space between them. “I trust that’s the truth.”

  Maria’s eyes finally met hers. “It is.”

  Jo tipped her head to one side, eyeing her with suspicion. “Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

  “Uh huh.” Maria nodded.

  Jo let her go, in spite of the overpowering desire to grab her and kiss her until their lips hurt. Maria had started a fire Jo knew she’d be a long time putting out. She stood in the dark watching through the front window at Maria sitting in her car for more than a minute or two. She wanted to go out, pull her from the car and into her arms. She wanted to tell Maria how much she cared for her. She wanted to take her to bed. But she knew once that happened the friendship would die and eventually the physic
al relationship would as well. It always did. She went to the door and grabbed the knob, but the brake lights finally lit and Maria’s car rolled down the long driveway into the night.

  Maria sat in her car staring out into the darkness, trying to even out her breathing and slow her pounding heart. She’d been with other guys before meeting Jack, but never, not even with Jack when their relationship was new, had she experienced a kiss like the one she shared with Jo. A woman! She kissed a woman and felt more passion in those brief seconds than she’d ever felt at anytime in her life. She touched trembling fingers to her lips. She didn’t want to leave. She wanted to go back inside and find out what it all meant.

  Hormones, it must be her hormones. She tried recalling how it had been when she was pregnant with Matt. “My hormones are running wild,” she muttered. She looked in the rear view mirror and saw only darkness in the house. Jo hadn’t seemed shocked by what she’d done. And why would she? Jo kissed women all the time. Jo had probably kissed her share of straight women too.

  She’s incredibly attractive. She probably has gay and straight women throwing themselves at her all the time. “I’m just another one,” she mumbled and dropped her head on the steering wheel. “Oh God, I’m such an idiot.” She tried focusing her thoughts on driving to Kathleen’s and picking up her son, but her mind kept wandering back to Jo and the feel of her lips.

  Kathleen directed Maria right to the kitchen when she arrived. She dropped her purse on the floor and herself into one of the chairs.

  Kathleen placed the tea kettle on the stove. “How are you getting along, sweetie?”

  Maria sighed. “Oh you know, some days better than others.”

  Kathleen perched on a chair across from her. “And today is one of the others?”

  Maria closed her eyes momentarily. Jo’s face flashed in her mind. Her eyes flew open and she nodded. “Do you believe it’s possible to love more than one man?”

  Kathleen frowned. “It wouldn’t be for me, but you know, some people believe that saying that ‘anything’s possible’.” Kathleen’s eyes were laser focused on her. The seconds seemed to drag into long minutes. “Are you having an affair? Because if you are, honey, I certainly won’t judge you.” Maria shook her head. “So…you’re attracted to a man other than Jack?” Again she only shook her head.