Dreams Unspoken

by R. J. Layer

  “I have a couple who are serious about finding a home. I think I can get a quick sale. We could use the money.”

  “You do not need to worry about money.”

  “I will not be a kept woman. I can pay my own way.” Jo conceded.

  A knock sounded on the door as she sat in the rocker by the fireplace. “Darn,” she mumbled. She forgot Tucker was supposed to stop in. “It’s open,” she called.

  Tucker entered, a grin spreading ear to ear.

  “What?” she asked.

  “I don’t think anybody’d believe it.”

  “What?” she asked again.

  “You,” he motioned at her, “this.” He chuckled. “I never would have imagined it and I sure bet nobody’d believe me if I told them.”

  Jo looked down at the bundle in her arms happily suckling on the bottle. She raised her narrowed eyes to Tucker. “If you tell a soul, I’ll have your head.”

  He raised his hands. “Heck, boss, like I said, nobody’d believe it anyway.”

  She eyed him critically. “As long as we’re understood.”

  He tapped his hat on his thigh. “Yeah, I kinda like my job…and my head.” When he laughed, she smiled. “So…what’s up?”

  Jo tipped her head toward the coffee table. “It’s right there in that envelope.” He picked up the large manila envelope and carefully removed the contents. “You know I bought the old Wagner farm next door.” He nodded. “I’m gonna keep about twenty acres and lease out the rest for farming for now.”

  He looked up from the papers, his eyes big as saucers. “This is…” Stunned, he looked back at the papers in his hand. “This is a deed,” he finally said looking back at her. “With my name on it.”

  “That’s right. I’m giving you five acres. It’s my way of saying thanks for everything you’ve done for me in the last year.” He stood there, mouth agape. “It’s a small gesture compared to the invaluable help you’ve been to me.”

  “But, I…” he stammered, “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Tucker, shut up and take it,” she said playfully. His head bobbed as he shoved the papers back in the envelope. “You can do what you want with it. Build on it or sell it. Of course, if you sell it it has to be to me, but if you build on it, you’ll never have an excuse for being late to work.” She grinned.

  He laughed. “Yeah, I can always walk to work if I have to.”

  “That wasn’t my intention, but it would be nice someday to think of you as my neighbor.”

  “You’d make a fine neighbor, Jo.”

  “There’s cold beer in the fridge if you want one to celebrate your new status as a landowner.”

  He tucked the envelope under his arm. “Ah heck, I can’t, but thanks. If my momma smelled alcohol on my breath on a Sunday, she’d tan my hide and I’d never hear the end of it.” Jo smiled, not completely surprised that Tucker’s mother was such a righteous woman. “But maybe tomorrow after work.”

  “I’ll keep ‘em cold.”

  Jo thought of her own mother. She’d never think of drinking in front of her either. She had been so sweet, offering to come for a visit and help out with the new baby when Jo told her she might not make it as often for Sunday dinner. Of course there weren’t enough sleeping accommodations unless Jo turned the living room couch back into her bed. Her mom had assured her she could share Sunday dinners with her church widows when Jo couldn’t make it.

  Both Jo and Camilla were sleeping when Maria arrived home half an hour later. Her heart melted at the sight of Jo cradling the baby in her arms. She slipped quietly down the hall and found Matt curled up in his bed between Jake and Rosie, all napping away. Deciding to take advantage of the quiet time, short as it might end up being, she ran a hot bath and slid in. No more than fifteen minutes had passed when a light rap sounded on the door.

  “Maria?”

  She didn’t open her eyes. “Hmm…yes.”

  Jo’s voice came softly through the door. “I didn’t realize you’d gotten home.”

  Water splashed as Maria sat up. “I’ll be right out.”

  “No, enjoy your time. I just wanted you to know I put Camilla in her bassinette so you don’t wake her when you come out.”

  Maria didn’t want to get out. What she wanted was for Jo to come in and slide her strong hands in the soapy water and—“Thanks…I won’t be long.”

  “No worries.”

  Jo was right there. So close, but so far away. Maria’s blood ran hotter than the bath water and pooled between her thighs.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  It puzzled Jo that in the following weeks Maria made no further mention of her going out and trying to meet someone. And she had no intention of bringing it up or going in search of lesbian companionship. She also had no desire to have any liaisons only for sex. It wasn’t her. She would just continue to dream about that special someone that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

  November rolled around, bringing with it a sadness and loneliness that settled into Jo’s heart. As the anniversary of her dad’s death neared, it seemed mostly to serve as a reminder that her parents had spent more than fifty years happily married while she would likely spend her old age as a lonely lesbian cowgirl.

  On the Friday night before the dreaded anniversary, which Jo had promised to spend with her mom, she was seated in her usual spot at the kitchen island nursing her second beer. Maria entered later than usual, well after ten o’clock. “Your namesake is being quite the stubborn handful tonight. She refused to go to sleep.” She put the teakettle on and leaned against the counter, waiting.

  Jo thought how much like an old married couple they had become in their nightly routine—sitting in the kitchen to relax a bit before bed and discussing the day’s events or whatever subject happened to come up.

  Before moving around to her side of the island with her tea, Maria put her hand on Jo’s shoulder. “Thanks for running out to the store for me this evening.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Maria took her seat across from Jo. “You don’t have to give up so much of your time or yourself taking care of us.”

  Jo cocked her head, sensing she was about to receive a lecture about going out and finding some fun again. “I don’t mind taking care of you all. It gives my life purpose.”

  Maria frowned. “I can think of other things that can give your life purpose.”

  Here we go. “Like?”

  Maria’s eyes were focused on the spoon stirring her tea. “Like someone to take care of you.”

  Jo smiled. “I seem to recall you were supposed to be taking care of that, weren’t you?”

  “Yes.” Maria returned her smile. “Cupid and I. And I think I may have found someone for you.”

  Jo’s brows rose high in surprise and anxiety. As if knowing she needed rescuing, Cami let out a wail and Maria dashed down the hall to get her before she woke Matt. Jo waited and waited for Maria’s return, but when the clock on the stove read 11:47 she knew their conversation would have to continue another time. She needed to get to bed since she was heading out in the morning to spend the weekend with her mom.

  When she entered the kitchen the following morning Maria was seated at the counter, cooing and making faces at Cami in her lap, and Matt was eating his cereal.

  “Good morning,” Maria said in a chipper tone.

  “Morning,” Jo replied feeling like a wrung-out dish rag after lying awake for hours before falling asleep. She hadn’t been able to keep their interrupted conversation from looping in her brain.

  “Are you feeling okay?” Maria asked. “You look a little worn out this morning.

  “I’m fine,” Jo mumbled. She poured a cup of coffee and sat opposite the Wests at the counter.

  “Are you going to be okay spending the weekend with your mother? Or would you like our company?” Maria smiled warmly.

  “I need to be a big girl and do this, but thanks for the offer.”

  Jo couldn’t imagine the shoc
k on her mom’s face if she showed up with Maria, Matt and the baby in tow. Then again, maybe her mom would rather have a very straight woman and her kids as weekend house guests. Jo finished her coffee and moved to the sink to rinse her cup.

  “I should get going in case Mom has lunch plans.”

  “I made enchiladas for you to take. Your mother seemed to really like them at last year’s picnic. They’re in the casserole dish with the blue lid on the bottom shelf. The carrier is on the dining table.”

  Jo slid the dish out of the fridge, lifted a corner of the top and sniffed. Even early in the morning it made her mouth water. There wasn’t any better Mexican food than Maria’s grandmother’s enchilada recipe.

  “Thanks. That’s very thoughtful and I’m sure Mom will be really appreciative.” She put the dish in the carrier, then leaned down to place a kiss on the top of Cami’s head. “Be a good girl for your mommy.” She stepped around Maria and lightly ruffled Matt’s curls. “You’re the man in charge, Matt.” She scooped up the casserole and met Maria’s gaze. “And no wild parties, young lady.”

  Maria giggled. “As if…” She motioned to each of her children. “Drive safely and tell your mother we send hellos.”

  Strolling to the front door, Jo called over her shoulder, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow evening.”

  During the entire drive to her mom’s, Jo puzzled about what Maria was alluding to when she said she thought she’d found someone for her. The second she pulled into the driveway, though, an image of her dad in the barn flashed in her mind. She’d been to her childhood home dozens of times over the last year. She’d never felt as solemn as she did today. Grabbing her duffel bag and the food carrier, she pasted on a smile, knocked on the door and let herself in.

  “Hey, Mom, I’m here.”

  “In here, sweetheart,” her mom called from the kitchen.

  Would she ever get used to hearing the endearment? She couldn’t remember even as a child her mom calling her sweetheart. Jo set the casserole on the counter and kissed her mom’s cheek.

  “Well, what have we here?” Her mom slid the zipper around the carrier.

  “Maria made enchiladas.”

  “And here I thought you cooked something.”

  Jo chuckled. “You know better than that, Mom.”

  Her mom gave her a pinch on the cheek. “You have many other talents, Jo Lynn. Cooking isn’t for everyone. So how are Maria and her children getting along at your farm?”

  “Just great! And Camilla is growing like a weed.” She whipped her phone out of her pocket and scrolled through her photo gallery. She held it out to her mom showing a picture of Cami in her swing, taken during a fit of giggles. She scrolled through several more.

  “She’s as cute as her mother is pretty. And here you are, showing pictures like a proud parent.”

  Jo stepped over to the coffee maker to hide the blush she felt rising in her cheeks. After taking her time pouring a cup, she turned and leaned against the counter. “What would you like to do today, Mom?”

  “After lunch can we drive out to the cemetery? I want to put fresh flowers on your dad’s grave.”

  “Sure.” Jo sipped her coffee. “How about if we go out for dinner so you don’t have to cook.”

  “That sounds lovely.”

  They sat around the kitchen table with their coffees, her mother talking about what she and the church widows had been up to and peppering Jo with questions about how her life had changed with the West family living there.

  “It actually works out well. My schedule is flexible enough to help with babysitting, and as you know Maria’s a great cook so she keeps me fed.”

  She was glad to be able to spend this weekend with her mother, Jo thought, taking another sip of coffee. She realized, however, that she’d only been away from the farm for a few hours and already wished she was back home.

  Jo loved the weekends. In spite of Maria having to run out for appointments, they had more time to spend together. She reflected again on how much their living arrangement mirrored that of a family. A real family. She liked the feeling. And dreaded the day it might come to an end.

  Not that real families didn’t have their downsides, she reminded herself. People make mistakes. She undoubtedly would too, if she was lucky enough to be able to spend a significant portion of her life with the Wests. Never, ever, though, would she judge Cami when she grew up and made her life choices. Not the way her parents had judged her. They had lost so much precious time together because of that. Thank God, she had had enough time to reconnect with her father before his death—and had the opportunity now to strengthen her ties with her mother.

  Life, she decided, was too short not to do what it took to make the most of every chance for wholeness and happiness. Maybe it was time to tell Maria about her feelings for her and the kids. Even if that was scary as hell.

  Then again, she thought, look what happened when I came out to Dad and Mom. Would Maria welcome her into the family or would she run?

  She thought she knew Maria well enough to think she wouldn’t run away even if she didn’t think she could ever return Jo’s kind of love. Would she withdraw, though, the way she had before?

  She went back and forth on what she should do. Only one thing was clear—she loved Maria and the kids with every piece of her heart.

  When Jo walked out of the house Maria felt what seemed an awful lot like heartache. This would be the first night she and the kids had spent at the house alone. She was already missing Jo and their daily routines. Jo had become not only a big part of her life, but Matt and Camilla’s too.

  She couldn’t decide if the baby’s crying last night, just as she was about to share with Jo what she was thinking about relationships, was an intervention to keep her from making a big mistake and ruining a perfect friendship or simply a matter of bad timing.

  After putting the kids down for a nap, she sat at the kitchen island with a cup of tea, making a mental pro and con list in her mind.

  The biggest pro was how Jo made her feel—simply by being around her. Jo made her heart beat faster, she made her feel desire she’d never felt before in her life.

  The biggest con? She wasn’t a lesbian and if she got involved with Jo and couldn’t be who Jo needed it could ruin everything they had.

  In the end, Maria decided, she and Jo needed to have a conversation. She needed to unburden herself of the internal battle she’d been experiencing. Who knows? Maybe it was just a crush and if they talked through it, she’d feel differently about Jo.

  “Who are you kidding?” she mumbled as she made her way down the hall to check on the kids.

  Following lunch and the trip to the cemetery, Jo’s mom started reminiscing about the past—the times before Jo’s announcement had blown apart her family.

  Having a family was important to Jo—the most important thing in her mind, in fact. She wanted to be a caregiver, to nurture young minds. That was one of the reasons she’d decided to leave the high-stress world of horse breeding and work toward opening a dude ranch.

  She had thought all that would happen with Claire. But when Jo proposed to Claire following the Supreme Court’s ruling on marriage equality, Claire had made it clear that she wasn’t interested in marriage to some run-of-the-mill horse farmer. She had no intention of having rug rats under foot either.

  The woman now sharing her living space would make a perfect partner for her, Jo realized. She sighed heavily. The only way she and Maria could ever have a chance at anything, though, was if they talked. Wasn’t it?

  Jo sat patiently with her mom, watching television and making small talk, filling up some of the space, she imagined, that her dad had. She hoped it gave her mother a measure of comfort, but she itched to be home and outside in wide open spaces. She turned in earlier than usual. She was going to try and head back to the farm after breakfast—if her mom didn’t object.

  * * *

  “Sweetheart, I didn’t plan on you spending the entire weekend with
me. I know you have work to do on your farm, and honestly, the gals from church keep me quite busy. I promise you I’m doing fine.” Her mom reached across the table and squeezed her hand.

  Jo had no idea that her mom could be so independent, but she was happy that her mom wasn’t sitting alone in the house. “I do have some things to tend to at home,” she said. For one thing, I have to get home and find out what Maria was about to share with me on Friday night.

  She kissed her mom’s cheek and left her on the porch waiting for her ride to church. She was anxious the entire drive home.

  “I’m home,” Jo called out entering the house.

  “We’re back here,” came Maria’s response from down the hall.

  Jo peeked in the master bedroom. Matt sat on the end of the bed with Rosie watching a children’s program on the TV and Maria and Cami were stretched out on the bed, Cami sleeping soundly.

  “How was your visit with your mom?” Maria whispered to Jo when she sat next to Rosie on the bed.

  “It was great. Mom is getting along A-okay,” Jo said quietly.

  “Let me put her in her bed and I’ll meet you in the kitchen for lunch.”

  Jo was seated at the island turning a water bottle in her hands when Maria entered.

  “What sounds good for lunch?”

  “Maria, you know me, I’ll eat anything that’s called food.”

  She fried turkey bacon and made Jo the tastiest BLT she’d ever had. Once they’d eaten, Maria brought Matt in to feed him his lunch. An hour later she was putting him down for a nap. Returning to the kitchen, Maria sat across the island from Jo.

  “So…” Jo began. “Shall we pick up our abandoned conversation from Friday about your collusion with Cupid?”

  Maria exhaled a long sigh. “How about if we talk after the kids are in bed for the night? Like we do every night.”

  Jo gave a nod.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Seated at the island that night, Jo said, “Okay, so as I recall you were about to share something.”