Nightingale's Lament

by Simon R. Green

  They made me think of spiders, contemplating what their web had brought them.

  “You have no business here,” the man said suddenly, the words cold and clipped. “No business. Isn’t that right, Mrs. Cavendish?”

  “Indeed it is, Mr. Cavendish,” said the woman, in a very nearly identical voice. “Up to no good, I’ll be bound.”

  “Why do you interfere in our business, Mr. Taylor?” said the man.

  “You must explain yourself,” said the woman.

  Their manner of speech was eerily identical, almost without inflection. Their gaze bored into mine, stern and unblinking. I tried a friendly smile, and a thin rill of blood spilled down my chin from a split lip.

  “Tell me,” I said. “Is it really true you’re brother and sister as well as husband and wife?”

  I braced myself for the beating, but it still hurt like hell. When the Somnambulists finally stopped, at some unseen signal, it was only their grip on my shoulders that kept me upright.

  “We always use Somnambulists,” said the man. “The very best kind of servants. Isn’t that so, Mrs. Cavendish?”

  “Indeed yes, Mr. Cavendish. No back talk, and no treacherous independence.”

  “Good help is so hard to find these days, Mrs. Cavendish. A sign of the times, I fear.”

  “As you have remarked before, Mr. Cavendish, and quite rightly.” The woman and the man looked at me all the time they were speaking, never once even glancing at each other.

  “We know of you, John Taylor,” said the man. “We are not impressed, nor are we disposed to endure your famous insolence. We are the Cavendishes. We are Cavendish Properties. We are people of substance and of standing, and we will suffer no intrusions into our affairs.”

  “Quite right, Mr. Cavendish,” said the woman. “You are nothing to us, Mr. Taylor. Normally, you would be utterly beneath our notice. You are only one little man, of dubious parentage. We are a corporation.”

  “The singer Rossignol is one of our Properties,” said the man. “Mrs. Cavendish and I own her contract. Her career and life are ours to manage, and we always protect what’s ours.”

  “Rossignol belongs to us,” said the woman. “We own everything and everyone on our books, and we never let go of anything that’s ours.”

  “Except to make a substantial profit, Mrs. Cavendish.”

  “Right you are, Mr. Cavendish, and I thank you for reminding me. We don’t like anyone taking an unhealthy interest in how we manage our affairs, Mr. Taylor. It is no-one’s business but ours. Many would-be heroes have tried to meddle in our concerns, down the years. We are still here, and mostly they are not. A wise man would deduce a useful lesson from these facts.”

  “How are you planning to stop me?” I said, not quite as distinctly as I would have liked. My lower lip was swelling painfully. “These sleeping beauties can’t follow me around all the time.”

  “On the whole, we deplore violence,” said the man. “It’s so … common. So we have others perform it for us, as necessary. If you annoy us again, if you so much as approach Rossignol again, you will be crippled. And if you choose not to heed that warning, you will be killed. In a sufficiently unpleasant manner to discourage any others who might presume to interfere in our business.”

  “Still,” said the woman, “we are reasonable people, are we not, Mr. Cavendish?”

  “Business people, Mrs. Cavendish, first and foremost.”

  “So, let us talk business, Mr. Taylor. How much do you require to work for us, and only us?”

  “To become one of our people, Mr. Taylor.”

  “A valued part of Cavendish Properties, and thus entitled to enjoy our goodwill, remuneration, and protection.”

  “Not a chance in hell,” I said. “I’m for hire, not for sale. And I already have a client.”

  The Somnambulists stirred on either side of me, and I flinched despite myself, expecting another beating. A sensible man would have played along, but I was too angry for that. They’d taken away my pride—all I had left was my defiance. The Cavendishes sighed in unison.

  “You disappoint us, Mr. Taylor,” said the woman. “I think we will let the proper Authorities deal with you, this time. We have already contacted Mr. Walker, to complain about your unwanted presence, and he was most interested to learn of your present location. It seems he is most anxious to catch up with you. He is on his way here now, in person, to express his displeasure with you and take you off our hands. Whatever can you have done, Mr. Taylor, to upset him so?”

  “Sorry,” I said. “I never kiss and tell.”

  The Somnambulists started to move again, and I reached into an inside pocket of my trench coat and grabbed one of the packets I kept there for emergencies, recognising it immediately by shape and texture. I pulled the packet out as the Somnambulists leaned over me, tore it open, and threw the pepper into their faces. The heavy dark powder hit them squarely in the nose and eyes, and they both breathed it in before they could stop themselves. And then they were both sneezing, loud, vicious sneezes that made their whole bodies convulse. Tears rolled out from under their closed eyes, and they fell back from me, sneezing so hard and so often they could hardly stay upright. And still the sneezing went on as the pepper did its unrelenting work. Both Somnambulists bent forward from the waist, tears forcing themselves from their closed eyes, and in a moment they were both wide awake. The shock to their systems had been too much, the sheer strength of the involuntary physical reactions had been enough to overcome their enforced sleep. They were both wide awake, and hating every moment of it. They clutched at each other for support and looked around through watering eyes. I lurched to my feet and glared at them both.

  “I’m John Taylor,” I said, in my very best Voice of Doom. “And I am really upset with you.”

  The two awakened Somnambulists looked at me, looked at each other, in between sneezes, then turned and ran. They practically fought each other over who got to go through the door first. I grinned, despite my split and swollen lips. There are times when a carefully cultivated bad reputation can come in very handy. So can pepper, and salt. I always keep packets of both in my pockets. Salt is very good for dealing with zombies, for tracing protective circles and pentacles, and as a general purifier. Pepper has many practical uses, too. I carry other things in my pockets, some of them potentially quite viciously nasty, and right then I was in a mood to use every single one of them on the Cavendishes.

  I’d like to say I waited till I’d learned all I could before I used the pepper. But the truth is, it had taken me until then to find the strength of will to use it.

  I fixed the Cavendishes with a heavy glare. They stared back, apparently unmoved, and the man turned abruptly, picked up a silver bell from his desk, and rang it loudly.

  A transport pentacle flared into life in one corner of his office, the pentacle’s design shining suddenly in bright actinic lines as it activated, and in a moment there was someone else in the room with us. Someone I knew. He was dressed very formally, in a midnight blue tuxedo, a blindingly white shirt and bow tie, and a sweeping opera cloak, complete with scarlet lining. His carefully styled hair was jet-black, as was his neatly trimmed goatee. His eyes were an icy blue, and his mouth was set in a supercilious sneer. Anyone else would have been impressed, but I knew better.

  “Hello, Billy,” I said. “Like the outfit. How long have you been a waiter?”

  “You look a mess, John,” the newcomer said, stepping elegantly out of the transport pentacle, which flickered away into nothing behind him. He checked his cuffs were straight and looked me over disapprovingly. “Nasty. I always said that someday you’d run into trouble your rep couldn’t get you out of. And don’t call me Billy. I am Count Entropy.”

  “No you’re not,” I said. “You’re the Jonah. Count Entropy was your father, and a far greater man than you. I remember you, Billy Lathem. We grew up together, and you were a useless little tit then, too. I thought you wanted to be an accountant?”

&nbs
p; “I decided there was no money in it. Real money is to be made working for people like the Cavendishes. They keep me on a very handsome retainer, just for such occasions as this. And since my father is dead, I have inherited his title. I am Count Entropy. And I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you now, John.”

  I sniffed. “Don’t try and impress me, Billy Lathem. I’ve sneezed scarier-looking objects than you.”

  Why do bad things happen to good people? Because people like Billy Lathem profit from them. Essentially, he had the power to alter and control probabilities. The Jonah could see all the intertwining links of destiny, the patterns in the chaos, and reach out to choose the one-in-a-million chance for everything to go horribly wrong, and make that single possibility the dominant one. He caused bad luck and delighted in disasters. He destroyed lives and brought down in a moment what it had taken others a lifetime to build. When he was a kid, he did it for kicks—now he did it for money. He was the Jonah, and the misfortunes of others were his meat and drink.

  “You’re not fit to be Count Entropy,” I said angrily. “Your father was a mover and a shaker, one of the Major Powers, revered and respected in the Nightside. He redirected the great energies of the universe.”

  “And what did it get him, in the end?” said Billy, just as angrily. “He made an enemy of Nicholas Hob, and the Serpent’s Son killed him as casually as he would a fly. Forget the good name and the pats on the back. I want money. I want to be filthy, stinking rich. The title’s mine now, and the Nightside will learn to fear it.”

  “Your father…”

  “Is dead! I don’t miss him. He was always disappointed in me.”

  “Well gosh,” I said. “I wonder why.”

  “I’m Count Entropy!”

  “No. You’ll only ever be the Jonah, Billy. Bad luck to everyone, including yourself. You’ll never be the man your father was, and you know it. Your dreams are too small. You’re just the Bad Luck Kid, a small-time thug for hire.”

  He was breathing hard now, his face flushed, but he controlled himself with an effort and gave me his best disdainful sneer.

  “You don’t look like much right now, John; Those Somnambulists really did a job on you. You look like a passing breeze would blow you away. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find a blood clot in your heart, or a burst blood vessel in your brain. Or maybe I’ll start with your extremities and work inwards. There are so many nasty things I can do to you, John, so many bad possibilities.”

  I smiled back at him, showing him my bloody teeth. “Don’t you mess with me, Billy Lathem. I’m in a really bad mood. How would you like me to use my gift, and find the one thing you’re really afraid of? Maybe if I tried really hard … I could find what’s left of your daddy…”

  All the colour fell out of his face, and suddenly he looked like a child dressed up in an adult’s clothes. Poor Billy. He really was very powerful, but I’ve been playing this game a lot longer than he has. And I have this reputation … I nodded to the Cavendishes, turned my back on them, and walked out of their office. And then I got the hell out of their building as fast as my battered body could manage.

  No-one tried to stop me.

  The Singer, Not the Song

  I must be getting old. I don’t take beatings as well as I used to. By the time I got out of the Cavendishes’ building, my legs were barely holding me up, and a cold sweat was breaking out all over my face. Every breath hurt like someone had stabbed me, and a rolling blackness was moving in and out at the edges of my vision. There was fresh blood in my mouth. Never a good sign. I still kept moving, forcing myself on through sheer effort of will. I needed to be sure I was far enough away from the Cavendishes that they couldn’t send the building’s defence spells after me. And even when I was sure, I kept going, though I was having to stamp my feet down hard to feel the pavement beneath me. I might look a sight, with my swollen face and blood-stained trench coat, but I couldn’t afford to appear weak and vulnerable. Not in the Nightside. There are always vultures hovering, ready to drop on anything that looked like prey. So, stare straight ahead and walk like you’ve got a purpose. I caught a glimpse of myself, reflected in a window, and winced. I looked almost as bad as I felt. I had to get off the streets.

  I needed healing and general repairs, and time out to get my strength back. But I was a long way from home, and I couldn’t go to any of my usual haunts. Walker would have his people staking them all out by now. Even the ones he wasn’t supposed to know about. And if I called any of my friends or allies, you could bet Walker would have someone listening in. The man was nothing if not thorough.

  Well, when you can’t go to a friend, go to an enemy.

  I dragged my battered, aching body down the street, glaring at everyone to keep them from bumping into me, and finally reached a public phone booth. I hauled myself inside and leaned heavily against the side wall. It felt so good to be able to rest for a moment that I briefly forgot why I’d come in there, but I made myself pick up the phone. The dial tone was loud and reassuring. There tends to be very little vandalism of public phone booths in the Nightside. The booths defend themselves, and have been known to eat people who venture inside for reasons other than making a call.

  I didn’t know Pew’s current number. He’s always on the move. But he always makes sure to leave cards in phone booths so that people can find him in an emergency. I peered blearily at the familiar card (bright white with an embossed bloodred crucifix) and stabbed out the numbers with an unsteady hand. I was pretty much blind in one eye by then, and my hands felt worryingly numb. I relaxed a little as I heard the number ringing. I studied the other cards plastered across the glass wall in front of me. The usual mixture—charms and potions and spells, love goddesses available by the hour, transformations and inversions, and how to do horrible things to a goat for fun and profit.

  Someone picked up the phone at the other end and said, “This had better be important.”

  “Hello, Pew,” I said, trying hard to sound natural through my puffed-up mouth. “It’s John Taylor.”

  “What the hell are you doing, calling me?”

  “I’m hurt. I need help.”

  “Things must really be bad if I’m your best bet. Why me, Taylor?”

  “Because you’re always saying you’re God’s servant. You’re supposed to help people in trouble.”

  “People. Not abominations like you! None of us in the Nightside will be safe until you’re dead and buried in unconsecrated ground. Give me one good reason why I should put myself out for you, Taylor.”

  “Well, if charity won’t do it, Pew, how about this? In my current weakened state, I am vulnerable to all kinds of attack, including possession. You really want to face something from the Pit in my body, with my gift?”

  “That’s a low blow, damn you,” said Pew. I could practically hear him thinking it over. “All right, I’ll send you a door. If only because I’ll never really be sure you’re dead unless I’ve finished you off myself.”

  The phone went dead, and I put it down. There’s no-one closer, outside of family and friends, than an old enemy.

  I turned around, slowly and painfully, pushed the booth door open and looked outside. A door was standing right in front of me, in the middle of the pavement. Just a door, standing alone, old and battered with the paint peeling off in long strips, and a rough gap showing bare wood where the number had once been. Probably stolen. Pew lived by choice in the rougher neighbourhoods, where he felt his preaching was most needed. I left the phone booth and headed for the door with the last of my strength. Luckily everyone else was giving it plenty of room, probably because it was so obviously downmarket as to be beneath their notice. I hit the door with my shoulder, and it swung open before me, revealing only darkness. I lurched forward, and immediately I was in Pew’s parlour. The door slammed shut behind me.

  I headed for the bare table in front of me and leaned gratefully on it as I got my breath back. After a while, I looked around me. There was no
sign of Pew, but his parlour seemed very simple and neat. One table, bare wood, unpolished. Two chairs, bare wood, straight-backed. Scuffed lino on the floor, damp-stained wallpaper, and one window smeared over with soap to stop people looking in. The window provided the only illumination. Pew took his vows of poverty and simplicity very seriously. One wall was covered with shelves, holding his various stock in trade. Just useful little items, available for a very reasonable price, to help keep you alive in a dangerous place.

  The door at the far end of the parlour slammed open, and Pew stood there, his great head tilted in my general direction. Pew—rogue vicar, Christian terrorist, God’s holy warrior.

  “Do no harm here, abomination! This is the Lord’s place! I bind you in his word, to bring no evil here!”

  “Relax, Pew,” I said. “I’m on my own. And I’m so weak right now, I couldn’t beat up a kitten. Truce?”

  Pew sniffed loudly. “Truce, hellspawn.”

  “Great. Now do you mind if I sit down? I’m dripping blood all over your floor.”

  “Sit, sit! And try to keep it off the table. I have to eat off that.”

  I sat down heavily and let out a loud, wounded sigh. Pew shuffled forward, his white cane probing ahead of him. He wore a simple vicar’s outfit under a shabby and much-mended grey cloak. His dog collar was pristine white, and the grey blindfold covering his dead eyes was equally immaculate. He had a large head with a noble brow, a lion’s mane of grey hair, a determined jaw, and a mouth that looked like it never did anything so frivolous as smile. His shoulders were broad, though he always looked like he was several meals short. He found the other chair and arranged himself comfortably at the opposite end of the table. He leaned his cane against the table leg so he could find it easily, and sniffed loudly.

  “I can smell your pain, boy. How badly are you injured?”

  “Feels pretty bad,” I said. My voice sounded tired, even to me. “I’m hoping it’s mostly superficial, but my ribs are holding out for a second opinion, and my head keeps going fuzzy round the edges. I took a real beating, Pew, and I’m not as young as I once was.”