Stardust

by Rue Volley

  “What about him, Jasmine?”

  “Is he….I mean, could you see him?” I said as my voice cracked.

  “Oh…honey, Cody is as real as you and I are. I am just talking about Jess.”

  I looked down at my hands as they shook. It was then that I knew how much he meant to me. How much I truly needed him in my life and I had a hard time focusing on anything else. All I could see was his smile, and I could feel his touch on my skin. I reached up and felt my arm. Then she spoke again and I looked up at her.

  “But Jess, she is gone, honey. Jess has been gone for a very long time. You never accepted it, but maybe now…” The town priest came walking up to us with a brushed silver Urn with one word inscribed on it. I stared into it, my puffy eyes staring back at me until the word came into view. All it said was “Stardust”. I swallowed hard as I felt the lump in my throat rising. He stared at me and then turned to my mom.

  He nodded to me and then stared at my mom. His tone was calm but inquisitive. “I came early, as you asked me to.”

  “Thank you,” Mom said as she took the urn from him and held it out in front of herself for a moment.

  “Funny how a whole person can be reduced to this…to dust,” she said as she pulled the urn close to chest and held it there for a moment. I could see her pain, her loss. I know that my parents had not been married for a long time, but the love she had for him would be forever and I knew that now. She sighed and then pulled the urn out again and stared at it.

  “I debated about this, and I know your sisters will be furious, but your dad left a note, and in it, he asked that I allow you to spread his ashes from that train.”

  Tears were streaming down my face and she stepped up to me and cupped my face in her hands. “Mom,” I said as the sobbing took my breath away.

  “Jasmine, honey, you are not crazy. You have a special gift and those who cross over seem to enjoy your company, there is a reason for everything and because of that, I think you should take your dad on one last journey and give him the freedom that I never could here. Just know that he loved you so much. I love you, I always have and I am entrusting you with this. With him. I will explain it to your sisters later and to anyone who was planning on gathering here today, but I think this is best. It is what he wanted and I know you are the only one who can do it.”

  I felt the urn placed in my arms, I tried to understand it all, but as my mom touched the urn and I saw one tear rolling down her face, I knew what I had to do. Only I could do this. Only me.

  “Now go.” she whispered as she hugged me, Dad's urn between us. ”Go take one last trip with him and tell him that I never stopped loving him. You need to tell Cody too, because I see it in your eyes. Don’t let life slip from you, let yourself be happy Jasmine, let it happen, don’t do as I did.”

  I reached the train station in a panic. I was out of breath and my lungs burned from lack of oxygen. I stopped and tried to catch my breath as I lowered the urn to the ground and took just a second for myself, but I could hear the whistle blowing and I knew it was about to leave. I had nothing with me, no suitcase, no clothing, just me, my dad, and a sense of purpose. It was perhaps the first time in my life that I felt as if I knew what I wanted and where I needed to go. I ran along the platform, holding the urn tightly against my chest. I had flashes of memory of Jess, my dad…all of it, even the car crash that night as I fought back the tears. Then, I saw a hand reach out to me and I took it. The figure pulled me up onto the train just as it picked up speed and I looked up to see an unfamiliar face when I so hoped it would be Cody. It wasn’t though, it was another man…his eyes looked somewhat familiar, but in the growing darkness, I could not tell if I had met him before or not. I quickly thanked him and then walked on, entering the long hallway and searching for an empty room to hide out in. I had no ticket on me, so I knew I could easily be thrown off of the train at the next station, but I could not afford that. My destination now had one end, the bridge.

  I found one empty room on the train and quietly snuck into it. I went into the bathroom and threw pillows into the small shower. I slid the door closed and held my dad’s urn tightly to my chest as I drifted off. Sleep coming as if I had never slept before in my life. I was so tired and the dreams came, one by one…Jessica’s funeral, my many visits to the doctor’s office, the pills prescribed to me as I insisted I could still see her. I still talked to her daily, as if she was alive. Then I dreamed of leaving, running far, far away from Stillcreek and the ghosts that haunted me there. Ghosts I allowed to haunt me out of guilt and my inability to accept reality but I could not be insane. I couldn’t be. Could I?

  I woke up, startled from the jerking of the train and knew it was slowing down. I needed to see where we were so I pushed myself up and peeked out of the bathroom. There was no one in the room, which was a blessing. I stepped out, still holding the urn tightly to my chest and then ran out into the hallway only to run into someone, straight into their chest. I almost dropped the urn, but hands came down very quickly and caught it as I gasped. I took it back and glanced up to see a man standing there, but it was just the bartender. I nodded to him.

  “Why are we slowing down?” I asked him and he glanced to the side and out of my window. “We are coming up on the bridge.”

  “Oh God,” I said as I pushed past him. I glanced back at him and nodded. “Thank you for…” I looked at the urn and he narrowed his eyes as I raced down the hallway and towards the exit that I had taken with Cody.

  I stepped out into the night air and the wind blew my hair up around my face. I climbed up the steps and then struggled to get on top of the train without falling or dropping the urn. Then I stood up and regained my balance, as the train was moving at a snail’s pace and coming up on the bridge. I walked forward and almost fell again, but then I felt a hand to my arm and stood up as I saw Cody standing there, looking at me as compassionate as he ever had. He eyed the urn that I held close to my chest and then let his eyes settle back onto my own.

  “Jasmine.”

  I nodded to him and then eyed the bridge in the distance. He continued to speak to me, “Let me help you.”

  “What are you? I know you saw Jess, just like I did and she is….” I asked as the wind continued to whip my hair around on my head.

  “Dead, I know that she is,” he said as he looked down and then back up at me. The moonlight playing off of his beautiful skin.

  “How, how did you see her? I mean, were you just amusing me or was she really there?”

  He turned and started to walk away from me. I followed, careful to not trip and fall. The last thing I wanted was to die and take my dad’s ashes with me. I was sure I had caused my mom enough heartache. Cody stopped and turned back to me and then looked up towards the stars.

  “She loved you, Jasmine. You made her happy, as you make me happy. The spirit lingers when those we love cannot really let us go.”

  “Us?” My expression changed to confusion as we reached the bridge and Cody stared up at the night sky.

  “I can’t remember the last time I really saw the stars. They are so beautiful.”

  “What? What do you mean?” I asked him.

  “In 1988 I was on this train. I had been drinking, a lot. I never got over the death of my parents and my brother wouldn’t let me forget it. He blamed me, as I blamed myself, for distracting my dad that day, I know I was just a kid, but I should have left him alone and not asked him a million questions. He turned to answer me and that is when…well, like I told you before, I didn’t remember what happened after that. I woke up and all I had left was a brother who despised me for costing us the only people who made us feel safe in the world. After that, I saw them almost every day,” he paused and looked out over the water. “They came to me, talked to me…I made the mistake of telling my brother about it and he told our aunt. After that, it was all therapy and pills, I was almost institutionalized at one point, but then I stopped telling them that I could see them and, eventually, I couldn’
t anymore. I lied to myself and it wasn’t fair to them at all. All they wanted to do was protect me, but they were trapped here until I released them.” Then he turned back to me. “Then one night, I drank too much and I came up here and as we crossed this bridge I slipped and fell, Jasmine. They never recovered my body. So I woke up on this train, alone and it took me years to get anyone to see me. The bartender was the first one, and then a little girl a few years ago, but it wasn’t until you saw me that I reached out and took your hand, and you could feel me. I knew then that you would be the only one who could set me free. Only you.”

  I sucked in my breath as I stepped back from him. “No, no…that can’t be true, it can’t. I see you, I see you Cody, I felt you against me. My mom saw you, my sisters, they all saw you.”

  He quickly stepped up to me and cupped my face in his hands. “I know you see me, I know you do. I know they could see me, too. You let me leave this train after years of being bound to it. You let me walk along side you as if I was living again and I can tell you that the few days I had with you were the best days of my life. The very best and thank you, thank you for finding me. I am a guardian, a guardian angel, who was never allowed to leave this world.”

  I closed my eyes and started to sob, I shook my head and he nodded to me, forcing my face upward so I would have to look at him again. “You gave me hope and a reason to leave here happy, happy for the first time in my life.”

  “Cody…no. No, you can’t be. I need you, I need you so much….I……I love you.”

  He stepped up and held me against his chest as he whispered. “I love you, Jasmine, so much…and thank you. Thank you for the gift of love, I never knew it, I never felt it before, not since my parents died. I hated myself, but not anymore, and you can’t hate yourself, either. You can’t, or he can’t move on, neither can Jess and neither can I.”

  Suddenly, Jess appeared next to him and he took her hand as she grinned up at him and turned her face toward me. I stepped forward.

  “Jess, I am so sorry. I am.”

  She nodded to me and then spoke. Her tone calm and loving. “Jasmine. I never hated you, but it’s time that I go home. We need to go home, all of us do.”

  Cody stepped back as he held Jess’s hand tightly in his own. They both started to fade as I felt my love for them setting them free. I shook my head and he glanced at the urn in my arms. “Set us free, Jasmine, please….please. Return us to the stars where we belong. You will always feel me, right here next to you.” He touched his own chest and placed a hand to his heart.

  I looked down as I stared at the urn and then took the lid off as the train started to move again. I turned and tipped the jar as my dad’s ashes floated out and into the wind, the moonlight making them sparkle like stardust. I turned and Cody grinned and so did Jess. They both looked upward as they faded from my view. I bit my lip and then wiped my cheek, as his grin was the last thing I saw on his beautiful face. That and the words he mouthed to me…”Thank you.”

  Chapter Nine

  Going Home

  ~one year later~

  I packed up the last box and wrote “charity” on the side of it. I stepped back and looked around the room. My apartment was always small in New York City, but with everything packed up, it looked large to me. I bit my lip and tapped the black marker on the side of my leg as I heard voices in the hallway. I smiled as I saw Violet and Poppy stroll in. They looked around the room and then grinned at me.

  Violet spoke as I walked over to the grab my pink pleather jacket. I slid it on, one arm at a time as she touched the lid of one box then another. “You did a great job here.”

  I stopped and glanced at Poppy as she shrugged her shoulders. “Thank you.” I said to her as she glanced at my kitchen.

  “That kitchen sucks, it is too small.”

  I looked down as the small beagle puppy barked up at her and I laughed as I knew that she could not, at least, get one small jab in, even if it was towards the apartment itself, and not towards me.

  “You tell her, Cody.” I said as she raised an eyebrow and stared down on him.

  He sat down and panted as he stared up at her, his lips parted, and big tongue flopped out as if he was smiling. She handed the leash to me. I took it as I continued to grin.

  “The train leaves in an hour, we should get going.” I nodded as I looked around the apartment and they both glanced at each other.

  Poppy spoke up, “Why don’t we go hail a cab?” she said as Violet nodded to her.

  “Good idea,” they started to walk out as Poppy went on about it.

  “Let me do it, I am sure they will stop for me.”

  “Why? Are you saying they would ignore me?” Violet said as I laughed and turned towards my window. I stared out at the building and the city itself.

  I hugged Cody and kissed his wrinkled cheek. “What do you think, Cody? Do you think we are doing the right thing? I sure hope so,” I said as he licked my face.

  It is funny how I dreamed about being here my whole life and now, well now…I am moving back home. Home to Stillcreek and into my own house. My mom had decided to invest in a newspaper, of all things, and then offered it to me. I know she did it on purpose and I really struggled with taking her up on the offer, but then again, I missed it, all of it. I missed the smells, the people. I missed my family. I walked up to the window and stared down into the street. I saw both Violet and Poppy sticking legs out like hookers and I laughed as I headed for the door and paused. I looked back at the apartment and grinned.

  “Goodbye.” I said, as I was grateful to have come here, grateful to have been made better after everything that had happened with Jess, then my dad, and, of course, Cody. I paused until my new puppy barked again and I took one deep breath and started to walk. If anything, I was stronger now, stronger than I had ever been. “I know, we are going to be late…like always.”

  Once I got down to the street, I simply stuck my fingers to my lips and whistled. It was a high pitch that made both Poppy and Violet wince, but almost immediately, a cab appeared along the curb. I grinned at the two of them.

  “I told you we should whistle,” Poppy said as both her and Violet piled into the cab. I stood there and stared up at the buildings and then slid into the back seat, ready for the next phase of my life. Cody barked at Violet and then growled for a second and she rolled her eyes at him.

  “Seriously? Stop it,” I smiled and held him close to me as the cab pulled away.

  We reached the train station, late as usual. I think our family is inherently late for everything. The whistle blew loud and long as Violet and Poppy ran to get our tickets, I stood on the platform and stared at the train. I had not been on it since that night. The night Cody left me and I set his spirit, along with Jess’s, free. I blinked as the train started to move. I picked up my tattered suitcase as Poppy and Violet ran up next to me and we took off for the train. Cody’s ears flopped in the wind and his tongue hung out of his mouth as I tried to catch up. He was obviously enjoying himself. They ran faster than I did and reached it first, being pulled up as I found myself falling behind. I thought about the time I ran for this train when Cody helped me up and his face flashed into my mind. His lips, the way he smiled and cared about me. I then blinked, tossed my suitcase on board and saw a hand stick out so I took it.

  I sighed and then looked up to see a man standing there, he was dressed in a white button down shirt, a nice coat and jeans. He grinned as I pushed past him and then I hesitated, remembering my manners. I turned back and got caught staring at his shoes. They were so familiar, like the ones Cody always wore. I looked up and saw his face. His eyes bright and blue, lips a pinkish red. His skin pale, but not sickly in color. He was very attractive. My kind of attractive. Young, probably my age, if not a year older. His hair was short. Dark, his features very familiar.

  I grinned. “Thank you,” I said as my hat flew off and away from the back of the train.

  We both watched the thing linger for a few seconds b
efore it darted off down the tracks behind us. He jumped. I screamed…I mean, it seemed insane to watch him do it. He landed in between the tracks and ran until he snatched up my hat and then turned to smile at me. His look of triumph soon turned to one of distress as he realized the train was gaining speed. He took off running towards me and I dropped my suitcase and held onto the bar as I extended my hand out as far as I could. He finally reached me and with one leap, his hand was in mine and I pulled as he jumped up. All so very familiar, but then Cody barked. We all quickly moved backward and he was almost against me. The closest any man had been since…..

  “Thank you, again. I am Jazz,” I said to him as his chest rose and fell. He smiled down on me and Cody. “This is Cody.”

  “Cody?”

  “Yes,” I said as I looked at him and Cody continued to pant.

  “My name is Chris, Christopher, actually, and Cody, Cody was the name of my uncle...” I interrupted him. “Baker?” I asked as he narrowed his eyes and grinned at me.

  “Yes, how did you?” I smiled at him. He continued on. “Are you psychic?” he asked and I laughed and shrugged my shoulders.

  “No…nothing like that.”

  I smiled as I stepped into the hallway of the train and Violet and Poppy stared down at me. I pointed to him and they both nodded to me.

  “You can see him?” I yelled out as Violet rolled her eyes at me.

  “Yes, Jasmine,” she called out as I smiled and then turned back to him.

  “See me?” he asked as I grinned up at him.

  “Long story….so, where are you headed, Christopher?” he smiled, tilted his head and then looked down the hall.

  “Stillcreek, Pennsylvania…. I write. I am applying for a job there, at the newspaper.”

  “Mmmm. Writer, huh?” I said as we strolled along and my heart fluttered as I quietly thanked Cody for his gift to me as my first full novel dropped from my purse and hit the floor. We both leaned down as Christopher picked it up first. He touched the cover and fingered at the one word on it.