The Restarting Point

by Marci Bolden

  When she’d left for her vacation, this place and all of these things had offered her comfort and a sense of security. Now, they seemed unfamiliar.

  Feeling like an intruder in her own home forced Jade to realize how much of a facade this life had been, not just for Nick but for her as well. This house might have suited the old Jade, but she had changed. Nick might not be willing to see that, but she knew, in her heart, that her career-climbing former self was gone. The colder version of herself had been cut out with her cancer and whatever had remained had been decimated by the treatment that had broken her down to the core.

  She was different now, and this house no longer fit the life she wanted. She might not know what that life was yet, but this certainly wasn’t it.

  Jade walked into the kitchen, and a thousand memories flooded her at once—from the time the boys were young, insisting they didn’t like whatever had been served for dinner, up through Nick trying to get her to eat just a little bit more to keep her strength up. The fridge used to be covered with stick drawings and sports schedules. Now the surface was empty. There were no longer piles of junk to be sorted or snacks left half-eaten before rushing off to some school event.

  There would be no more bustling around in the morning, trying to align their schedules to see who could pick up groceries or drop off dry cleaning. That life, those messes and rushed mornings, were gone now. For all the complaining she’d done about them in the past, she’d give anything to have them back.

  Wasn’t that always the way?

  Standing there, remembering how things used to be, started to drain her energy. Her spirits sank more with each passing heartbeat. This was taking a toll on her, and it had just begun. She couldn’t imagine what the actual divorce proceedings were going to do to her. She’d be broken before they even started.

  Opening the cabinets, one by one, she assessed what was missing. One of the sets of dishes. Half of the glasses and water bottles. Several pans, but he’d left the silverware and most of the utensils.

  After leaving the kitchen, she walked through the home office. His desk was gone. He’d left the file cabinet and wall hangings, but all that remained of the bookshelf were indents in the carpet.

  In the den, she stared at the space where his recliner used to sit facing the now empty wall. He’d taken the big-screen television, but she didn’t mind. She rarely watched it anyway.

  She walked back to the living room, gathered her bag, and carried it upstairs. In the master, she stared at the king-size sleigh bed, trying to remember the last time she and Nick had even touched each other there. Colorectal cancer had certainly given them both a good excuse to avoid sex. She’d thought that was valid, but now…

  God, she’d been so blind to the signs that had been there for so long.

  She sniffled as she emptied her bag onto the bed. After scooping her dirty clothes up, she turned to drop them into the wicker basket, but it was missing.

  “Of course,” she muttered and opened her arms, letting the pile drop to the floor.

  She took her bag to the closet, gave herself one second to brace herself, and opened the door. As she knew it would be, Nick’s side of the closet was empty. She stared at the empty hanging bars for a long time before putting her bag on the shelf above her designer blouses and tailored slacks. Most of those clothes were too baggy on her now.

  Like her old life and her old way of living, the clothes didn’t fit her anymore.

  She wished she knew the words to convince Nick of that. If he’d stuck around for a little bit longer, she thought he might have seen that. Maybe he would have even come to love her again. If that was possible.

  She turned to look at her reflection in the full-length mirror and replayed the words Darby had said over and over.

  You are worthy. You are loved. To hell with that prick for making you feel like you aren’t.

  Jade chuckled as Darby’s voice echoed around her mind. Her amusement faded quickly though, and a wave of loneliness washed over her. She turned her attention back to the empty side of the closet. Her tears fell, and the ache in her heart consumed her. The cloud of depression hanging in the back of her mind started to grow.

  She couldn’t be here, in this house. In this museum of a life that no longer existed. Jade practically ran from her room like the ghosts were chasing her. She trotted down the stairs and grabbed her purse as she headed for the door. Her heart pounded when she gripped the knob. Before she opened it, a realization slapped her square in the face.

  She had nowhere to go.

  She had no friends to run to because her work friends weren’t really friends and the people she socialized with were the wives of Nick’s friends. They weren’t her friends. She had no one. Her parents, she supposed, but she still hadn’t told them.

  Jade released the doorknob, took several steps back, and sat on the stairs as her chest started to tighten with the rising sobs.

  How had she gone so long without seeing how alone she was?

  God. Nick was right. She was cold and aloof and self-centered.

  Darby’s affirmation ran through Jade’s mind again, but she realized she couldn’t add the part about Nick making her feel unloved. She’d done that to herself.

  She took her phone from her purse and didn’t hesitate to call Darby. She’d told Jade a dozen times to call her if she needed anything.

  “Hey,” Darby answered. “It’s Jade,” she called.

  “Hi,” Taylor answered in the background.

  “What are you guys doing?” Jade asked.

  “Taylor’s making me stain the banister,” Darby said, sounding disgusted. “My manicure is shit now.”

  “Did you make it home already?” Taylor asked.

  Jade had to swallow. “Yeah.”

  “Are you okay?” Darby asked in that now familiar maternal tone.

  “No,” Jade confessed as her tears welled. “I’m not.”

  “I knew we should have gone with her,” Darby said quietly, as if Jade wouldn’t hear.

  “Want us to come up?” Taylor asked.

  “Please,” Jade said in a cracked voice that sounded like a wounded bird. “I’ll text you my address.”

  “Oh, honey,” Darby said, “I have that on your rental agreement. I’ve already mapped out how to get there.”

  Taylor chuckled. “Need us to bring anything?”

  “Do you have cranberry juice?” Darby asked. “I think we should take her juice.”

  “We’ll pick up something to eat too,” Taylor offered.

  Jade didn’t have the words or the strength to argue. She quietly thanked them and ended the call.

  When they arrived just over an hour later, she was still sitting on the stairs, trying to figure out what she was supposed to do next. The front door opened, and Darby stuck her head in, causing Jade to grin. Apparently, Darby didn’t just walk right into Tranquility Cabin. She walked right in wherever she was going.

  Her bright red hair was like a ray of sunshine in the storm that had been hovering over Jade. “Oh, honey,” Darby cooed. “You look awful.” She stepped in carrying several large bags.

  “Be nice,” Taylor chastised, coming in behind her with both her hands full as well.

  Jade tried to remember their conversation. She knew they were stopping at the store, but they had to have bought enough food to last the three of them for a week. “What is all this?” she asked, standing to greet them.

  “We had no idea what kind of comfort food you eat,” Darby said.

  “We got a little bit of everything,” Taylor said.

  Darby whistled as she looked around the living room. “Nice digs, boo. I’m moving in with you.”

  Taylor scanned the room as well, but her eyes weren’t as wide and in awe as Darby’s. “Who did your crown molding?”

  “Nick.”

  “Well, he didn’t put much effort into it, did he? It’s a mess.”

  Jade looked at the room that seemed to have mocked her when she firs
t entered her house. “It doesn’t matter. I’m selling it,” Jade said. “I can’t live here anymore.”

  Darby and Taylor shared worried glances before Taylor said, “Don’t decide that just yet. You’re still upset.”

  “I know that I don’t want to be here anymore.”

  With a frown, Taylor firmly stated, “Don’t agree to anything until you have an attorney involved. That’s how people get screwed in situations like these. You just bite your tongue and hold your horses. Let the lawyer figure out the big stuff.”

  Jade hadn’t asked, but she suspected Taylor had been through an ugly breakup or two in her past. She’d get to the bottom of that another time. For now, she led them to the kitchen and listened as Darby once again oohed and ahhed while Taylor put food away. Jade sat and watched Taylor move in this space like she’d been there a thousand times before. Jade didn’t have the energy to do more than sit and watch.

  “Are you hungry?” Darby asked, opening one cabinet and then another until she found a glass.

  “Not really.”

  “You have to eat.” Taylor held out a tray of sliced meats, cheeses, and vegetables. “Usually, this is when I’d whip out chocolate and alcohol, but this will have to do.”

  “It’s good,” Jade said. “Thanks.”

  They all sat at the island as a heaviness settled over Jade. She ate a carrot and a slice of cheddar before saying, “Even if I wanted to stay, this house is ridiculously large for one person.”

  “I told you I’m moving in,” Darby said. “You’re adopting me. I’ll get the paperwork ready so all you have to do is sign.”

  Jade’s shoulders sagged. “You’ll regret it. I was a terrible mother.”

  “This is not a pity party,” Taylor informed her.

  Jade sniffled and asked, “What is it?”

  Darby examined a celery stick and dropped it back onto the platter. “Sweetie, how long has it been since you’ve had a bad breakup?”

  “Never. Nick and I have been together since I was old enough to date. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with.”

  “That explains so much,” Darby said. “She doesn’t know.”

  “I don’t know what?” Jade asked.

  “The breakup ritual.” Taylor started counting the steps off on her fingers. “First you are shocked, then you are sad, which turns into anger and you talk shit about him.”

  “We’ve done all that,” Darby said.

  “Then you cry again,” Taylor explained.

  Giving a resolute nod, Darby added, “Which you’ve done in abundance. So, now we do a makeover.”

  Jade touched the ends of her hair. “Oh, I don’t think…”

  “This is part of the process,” Darby informed her. “It has to be done.”

  “We’ll start small,” Taylor told her. “Let’s rearrange the furniture and get a few new things for your wardrobe.”

  Jade pictured her closet. “I need a whole new wardrobe. Nothing I own fits.”

  Darby’s eyes lit. “Where is the closest mall?” She held up her hand when Taylor started to speak. “Do not ruin this for me. I have lived my entire life waiting for a moment like this.”

  Leaning on the counter, Taylor held Jade’s gaze. “The trick to the breakup ritual is balance. Go too far, and you regret it. Don’t go far enough, and you cling to the past. An entire new wardrobe might be going too far.”

  Jade slid off her stool. “Come with me.” She led them upstairs and opened her closet.

  As soon as Darby stepped inside, she gasped and fell back with her hand pressed against her chest. “My God! How many power suits does one woman need?”

  Despite her misery, Jade giggled. Running her fingertips over the sleeve of a designer blouse, she said, “Well, I’m a very powerful woman when I’m not sick or losing my husband. Powerful and neglectful of my family.”

  “Hey,” Darby said in that maternal tone, “nobody has all their shit together, Jade. Nobody. You can’t be everything all at once. All anybody can do is try. Don’t cut yourself down because Nick wasn’t happy. That’s on him.”

  “Yeah,” Jade whispered. “I know, but I still feel like shit.”

  “That’s where the makeover comes in.” Taylor sorted through the blouses and slacks. “You don’t have to replace all this, but I do think—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—you could use a little color in your wardrobe.”

  Darby’s smile was almost blinding. “Oh my God. This is the best day of my life. No offense, Jade. I know you’re miserable, but…Oh my God. We’re going shopping and Taylor wants to buy something colorful.” She wrapped one arm around Jade and the other around Taylor, pulling them into a big hug. “Best day ever.”

  “He’s right,” Jade said without the slightest hint of emotion. Despite a trip to a salon to dye her hair a dark auburn, buying more clothes than she’d likely wear, and ordering updated living room furniture, the excitement of the makeover step was fading and she felt empty. Her emotional roller coaster had bottomed out. She pulled a marshmallow from the fire they’d built in the pit in her backyard and blew out the flame. “I really wasn’t a good wife.”

  “Screw that,” Taylor said. “Don’t let him get into your head.”

  “I’m not,” Jade countered as she squished the melted ball between two chocolate-covered graham crackers. “But he is right. I put my career above my family. I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming sooner. Actually, yes I do. Because I was self-centered and obsessed with my job.”

  Taylor waited until her marshmallow was black before blowing out the flame. “That doesn’t excuse what he did. He chose to lie to you about your marriage.”

  Since Jade enjoyed making the treats but didn’t eat them, she handed her creation to Darby. “That’s not what I mean. I know his leaving like this was wrong, but we didn’t have the life he wanted. I didn’t give him what he needed.”

  “Don’t fall into that trap,” Darby said. “Every woman falls into that trap. Men screw up, and we take the blame. You have to keep the house clean and the husband organized and the kids educated. And what does the man do? Work fifty hours and call it even. Bullshit.”

  Jade smirked. “That’s the point, Darby. That’s the role I was filling. Nick took care of the house and the kids. I worked more like sixty hours a week and came home too exhausted to be part of my family. I wasn’t there. For him or the kids. He did all the so-called mom stuff that I wasn’t around to do. There’s something to be said for that, right?”

  “I’ll send him a cake,” Taylor stated flatly.

  “With arsenic icing,” Darby added.

  Jade smiled. Not because she wanted to poison Nick but because having friends defend her felt really nice. Suddenly, she was struck by something that caused her heart to nearly seize in her chest. Jade looked from Darby to Taylor and nearly started crying again. “Can I confess something to you guys?”

  “Yes, those pants are awful,” Darby said. “It’s a damn good thing we bought you some new clothes.”

  Jade looked down at her sage green capris.

  “Shut up,” Taylor warned.

  “Oh, were we not discussing her dreadful fashion?” Darby blinked, but the hint of a smile proved she was trying to lighten the mood.

  “Says the lost extra from Grease,” Taylor said lightly.

  Jade had to bite her lip so she didn’t laugh when Darby stuck her tongue out at Taylor. “I was going to say that I’m so glad I met you guys. You’ve stood by me when you didn’t have to. I crashed today—coming home with his things gone made this real. You didn’t have to come running to help me, but you did, and I really, really appreciate it. Thank you.”

  Darby sat quietly for a moment. “You would have come running for either one of us, Jade. I know you would have. You’re one of us now.”

  “Welcome to Loserville, babe.” Taylor lifted her glass in a toast.

  Jade looked around her backyard. Recalling when the kids used to run and play there, she sighed. “
I don’t know what I’m going to do when you two leave. I’ll be on my own.”

  “We’ll be here for you,” Taylor assured her. “Whatever you need.”

  “We’re only an hour away, Jade,” Darby agreed. “We’ll see you all the time.”

  “I hope so,” Jade said, suddenly sad at the idea of not seeing Darby and Taylor every day. “I’m sorry that my vacation has caused you both so much upheaval.”

  “Adventure,” Darby clarified. “Never think of your life as challenging or messed up. Think of it as an adventure.”

  “Don’t take advice from her,” Taylor said. “I mean…look at her.”

  Darby tossed a marshmallow at her. “Hey!”

  Taylor tried to hide her grin but ended up laughing. “I’m just kidding. She’s right. We all needed this shake-up.”

  “Well, in that case, I’m glad I could help.” Jade’s attention was drawn to a moth. It hovered near the fire, likely drawn by the light, and pivoted at the last second when the heat became too much. The movement resonated with her. It was a great metaphor for what her life had been. She’d been so distracted by the light, she hadn’t realized she was about to get burned. Though she wasn’t sure if she’d managed to redirect herself at the last moment. She thought she had, but here she was, crashing. “I can’t let this defeat me,” she said.

  “You won’t let this defeat you,” Taylor stated. “I know it’s overwhelming at the moment, but once we get you an attorney and get the ball rolling on the divorce, things are going to feel easier to navigate.”

  Glancing over the fire at her, Jade said, “Have you been divorced before?”

  “Yeah,” Taylor said flatly. “After my grandfather passed away, I was… I was not in a good place. Other than a few cousins that I rarely saw, he was the only family I had. I met this guy while working a construction job and thought he was great. I jumped in because I wasn’t thinking clearly. Then he left. And our divorce was ugly because I was young and stupid and let myself get taken advantage of. He took most of my grandpa’s tools and equipment, and the judge let him keep it because I couldn’t prove they belonged to me. It might not sound like much, but I lost everything because I didn’t protect what was mine.”