I think the family may have been confusing their relative’s stories of prison life with the film ‘The Last Castle’ starring Robert Redford but nonetheless I am a bit worried. Can you please confirm whether or not the prisoners are building a sixteenth century trebuchet within the grounds of the prison?
Trevor Mcinsley: Fastest Gun in the West
If I were a game show (no, I don’t want to revisit that sentence grammatically) then this would be the part of the programme called ‘Quick Fire Emails’.
Essentially... for reasons only known to the little troll figure that lives under my basal ganglia (could I have chosen a part of the brain that sounds more like a penis euphemism?) ...I thought it would be funny to write a quick succession of emails where one subject leads into the next... and then I would just work out who to send them to after.
No... I don’t know what’s wrong with me either. As a starting place I chose to follow on (albeit with different people for the sake of their sanity) from an email I sent to some spoon people in my last book, which you should totally go buy (I’m genuinely not going to stop shamelessly self-plugging it until you do)...
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Fork People]
I require an enormous amount of forks. A little while back I got into the ice cream business and as such came into possession of a frankly enormous amount of spoons. Thousands of the things. We used them for tasting and the like and they were intended to be taken as souvenirs... however the business rather failed to take off (for reasons I simply cannot imagine) and now I find that I have an enormous amount of spoons.
Anyway I now require an equally enormous amount of forks to go with these spoons as we have since decided to open an Italian restaurant and hence require forks to go with the spoons in order to do that twirly spaghetti thing that the more pretentious amongst the spaghetti eating masses consider culturally obligatory.
Personally I have always rather found that it defeats the point in spaghetti entirely... I mean if you want a big lump of the stuff just make pasta in big lumps to start with and call it ‘El Lumpadore’ pasta or something. Damn, I am just full of ideas today. Another signature dish I think.
But I suspect the thing with the fork and spoon will still be required. I don’t know the technical term for it... ‘spaghetti spinning’ seems rather apt though. You know what I mean right?
Anyway that. How many forks can you supply me with?
Thanks.
Trevor Mcinsley.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Interior Design People]
Hello. I own a restaurant and was wondering if you could give me some quick feedback on an idea I am considering regarding the interior design. We are about to start remodelling but before we look for contractors and the like thought we should probably check out a few things.
The theme of the restaurant is going to be the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party from Alice in Wonderland. So we are planning on having free cake and a liberal distribution of tea cups everywhere and an animatronic rabbit twitching in the corner like a heroin addict in the latter stages of withdrawal and so on. Just the usual stuff.
The issue is that we would like the Cheshire Cat to sort of appear in the corner of rooms using a projector but since this is a somewhat unique idea we are not entirely sure about it. Do you know if there is any legislation regarding projecting a glowing purple cat, which is possibly a visual metaphor for the terrifying hallucinations associated with opium addiction, onto patrons as they eat?
Strangely I have been unable to find any legal precedence regarding this.
Thanks, Trevor Mcinsley.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The Association of Consulting Scientists (what a fantastic name)
My teacup is on fire. How has this happened?
Yours, Trevor Mcinsley.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [A Vet]
My poodle, Teacup, has just swallowed my iphone charger. Not the plug... just the wire, the entire wire. I know my usual vet is very busy this time of year so I would rather not bother him but do you think this is an emergency situation or will it be ok?
Teacup seems to have a fondness for electrical goods and I have caught him licking batteries, sniffing LEDs and urinating in transformers before... generally just the usual dog stuff. He has never had any problems though and so it has never really been a worry.
He has chewed on wires before but other than a few blown fuses no harm has come of it. This time he has managed to swallow an entire cable however.
I am vaguely concerned about this. Not least because my iphone is still attached and indeed still seems to be charging... quite how this is possible I have no idea. I have contacted Apple about it but their customer service is ambiguous at best and so far all I have got back is an auto response saying: ‘Thank you for asking ‘Should I disconnect my iphone if my poodle swallows the cable during charging or will this damage my dog?’ We will endeavour to respond shortly.’ Which is far from helpful.
Do you have any ideas how my phone can still be on charge when the USB connector is currently soaking in stomach acid? In your experience, is this to be expected?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Dog Trainer]
My dog has a penchant for chewing on, and indeed eating, electrical goods. To date he has destroyed three plug sockets, twelve battery chargers, four smoke detectors and one hundred and eighteen iphone chargers. It is getting to be a real problem. My phone is never charged anymore and I keep missing important calls as a result.
What would you suggest I do to prevent my dog from chewing all these electrical devices? What is his obsession with electricity? Is he an android or something?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Some Robotics Experts]
I’m concerned I may be an android. A little while back I thought I was a ghost because no one was speaking to me but it turns out they were just ignoring me because I ate all their chicken... I may be confusing this with an episode of South Park. Anyway. My ‘father’ was a brilliant engineer and was often known as ‘Wallace’ to his friends for his uncanny resemblance to William Wallace from Nick Park’s animated films. This, unfortunately, made me ‘Grommit’... which was pretty hurtful as you can imagine. I don’t even own a broadsword.
Anyway with my father being the genius inventor that he was I am concerned that he made have made me. Only not with his penis. Well possibly with it... I mean he did have a series of mechanical attachments and often used it as a third arm whilst inventing things. One time he used it to artificially inseminate a swan. I won’t go into how.
What I meant was... I learned a short time ago, after my mother was hit by a train, that she is unable to conceive. Said so right on the hospital charts. There was also no record of her having been at any hospital when I was born yet I always remember her saying I was born in Hellsgrave Hospital, Swindon. I have never seen my birth certificate and I seem to recall one year, when I was six or seven... my parents completely forgot how old I was. In fact I seem to recall having two sixth birthdays and only being eight for a month and a half. They assured me that this was normal but I am starting to question this.
In other words: all the classic indicators of being an android are there. How can I find out?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Partario Haberdashery
Hello.
The other day I found myself sending an email about having sex with swans to a religious organisation. Is this normal?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Abercrombie and Finch
Hello. Apologies if this email is not going to make a lot of sense to you but I needed something to link together two emails, one about Chewits and one about swan based bestiality. Please feel free to disregard this.
Yours sincerely, Trevor Mcinsley.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Chewits
Dear Chewits. When can I expect to see your sweets back in the shops again? I was very disappointed to learn of the cancellation of your p
roduct and the stockpile I amassed prior to Chewits being taken off the shelves has since run out. I did have over a thousand packs in the boot of my car and had a whole cupboard of the caravan (with dog proof locks) filled with the things. Alas all good things must come to an end it seems and I have run out.
What exactly were the reasons for this product cancellation and can I expect to see Chewits on the shelves again soon? Also is it ok if my dogs eat them and if not are you planning on releasing Dog Chewits at all?
Thanks
Trevor Mcinsley
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Abercrombie and Finch
Hello again. This time I need to link together an email about Chewits and one about Samwise Gamgee. Yes, I could have maybe just structured them better but this seemed easier.
Whilst I have you though... can I just say that I find the photo on your website to be not only extremely distasteful but just... bizarre (and this is coming from someone writing to a clothes shop about Lord of the Rings characters). That is, the photo with all the muscular men wearing jeans so low down that the belt must actually be pressed firmly against the top of their scrotum. I mean... just why?
That is all.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Action! Figures!]
Hello.
I was interested in your Samwise Gamgee action figure as he is my favourite. However I am concerned regarding the detail. How accurate is this figure to the real life character? Is his cloak synthetic? Does he have a poseable penis?
Thank you. Trevor Mcinsley.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Plastic Surgeon]
Hello.
The other day I heard about an operation to make one’s penis fully poseable. Is this something you perform?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Plastic Company]
I need some plastic. Obviously. Why else would I be emailing you? Well I suppose it could be to catch up but then I don’t know you personally so I am not sure this would go too well. How is your wife? Do you have a wife?
Sorry. I have been downing espresso like a downed pilot in a desert today and it is a little hard to stay focused. Did that simile make sense? Do you have a wife?
We are right up against the deadline here and require a vast amount of plastic. Huge amounts.
Can you help? Do you have a wife?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Coffee Company]
My wife’s birthday is coming up and I was planning on buying her some coffee. Unfortunately she is rather awkward to buy for and will only imbibe food products endorsed by Linda McCartney. Do you have the kind of coffee that Linda McCartney drinks? If not could you please find some...
Thanks. TREVOR!
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Linda McCartney
Hello Linda. My wife is very fussy and I am bored of her. Will you marry me?
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Now I was going to say... it is around about the time when you start proposing marriage to former wives of Beatles members that you realise you should probably stop...
...but then I decided to google her to find out if she was indeed still married to Paul only to find out that she had been dead for fifteen years... which makes the above somewhat in poor taste. My bad.
God... I really am out of touch.
Anyway, responses to these emails follow later. In the meantime here’s some emails to people no one could possibly have a problem with me winding up...
Spamming Scamming Stammering Scammers
Is it a bad sign that I find myself replying to obvious spam at 5am in the morning?
It’s just that I am continually perplexed by it. The romance scams in particular are my favourite. What can I say... they just make me feel loved alright...
Olga
to: Trevor Mcinsley
You have drawn my attention to a site of acquaintances. I hope, as I shall like you. How I to you in a photo? The truth - pretty? :) But in a life I more nice!!! And as I cheerful, kind, sociable and fluffy! I like to go in for sports, read books, to listen to music. I love winter and summer. I do not love spring and slush. If I have interested you, with pleasure I shall tell about myself more in the following letter.
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I mean how could you not fall madly in love with her after that when she’s just so... fluffy? Frankly spring seems like a bit of a nothing season to bear such hostility towards though.
The baffling thing about these kinds of emails is that when you imagine they are simply automated they make sense. However as I discovered last time, in Trevor Mcinsley Moments (available on Amazon for £3.10... buy it now £3.10), eventually it is possible to prompt a proper response from them... namely frantic swearing when they come to the laughable conclusion that they, the scammer, are wasting their time on you. Therefore I have to assume that whilst the responses may be a copy and paste job or indeed simply be automated full stop the emails themselves do actually get read by a human being at some point.
If they were indeed just automated then we could overlook a computer program’s propensity to respond to an email which is largely about bears... but otherwise... well it means someone actually sat there and read the entire thing and then thought ‘yes, this person seems likely to fool for my ruse and give me all their money’.
Actually, there is a prospect more disturbing than someone thinking my obsession with bears is normal... the genuine people who genuinely respond to these scams... genuinely. When I ran out of romance scams in my spam box to email I started hunting for them online. That’s a healthy thing to do right? There are any number of websites dedicated to reporting these scams and I figured I might find some juicy email addresses there.
Most of these sites are simply sensible and just a list of known scammers and the nonsense they are trying to peddle. A few take something along my own route and reply to them with silly things to see what happens and a further few... are genuinely fucking terrifying.
This particular subset is that of people posting their encounters with the spammers not as a warning or as a joke... but in a plea for assistance. I’m looking at a thirteen page thread here which is debating whether or not the people behind these incomprehensibly inconsistent emails are actually genuine or not... despite their age changing from one email to the next, despite the photos being clearly grabbed from the first page of image search results for ‘Russian girls -bears’ and despite it clearly being flagged as spam across the entire internet... and... breathe. Yes, I am just adding respiratory instructions in the edit rather than bothering to rewrite the half page sentences. Sorry about that.
In fact if this story is to be believed it seems that after posting the encounter online the scammer got back to the guy saying ‘why you write in the Internet, what I deceive the people through the Internet???’ They then attempted to salvage their name on the thread by coming up with some clumsy lie about their account being compromised and then some... well, frankly it was just unintelligible so I did my usual thing of substituting every other word for ‘BEARS’ and hence assuming she had been ambushed by a pack of tech-savvy grizzlies that stole her username and password... it’s getting to be a real problem in Russia apparently.
Anyway, the point I was attempting to make... was that for people who spend their entire time lying to people over the internet they really aren’t very good at it. I’d say I could concoct an infinitely more plausible story... but then this would be a lie...
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Tanya
Hello Tanya.
It is great to hear from you as I am very familiar with your work in the Command and Conquer franchise. I once killed several attack dogs with your help.
For this I would like very much to thank you. Maybe we can talk on the electronic letter mail yes? I would love to see your photos and send my own penis photos to you.
My name is Trevor. Your name is Tanya. Chaching!
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John Marmaduke
to: Lyudmila
You are not going to plunder me are you?
Yours, John M. Esquire. PhD. BsC. GCSE A-C.
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: Kimberly
How are you? I am good. Who are you? I am Trevor. A friend told me if I contact you then I might find this. IS THAT TRUE?
Kimberly
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet Page 3
