Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet

by Trevor Mcinsley

  Please tell me what interests of mine you also share. Thanky thanks. Trev.

  Dictated but not read.

  Alena

  to: Trevor Mcinsley

  Hello Trevor.

  It is very pleasant...

  ...Trevor likely I will finish the message. It would be desirable to wish you good day. I hope I am fast again I can receive your answer.

  Alena

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Alena. I am starting to think you are not even reading my emails. It seems that I could literally just write anything and you will respond. This is not what I am looking for in a relationship. Therefore I am going to talk about bears for a little bit.

  I was friends with a bear once. I believe his name was Steve the Bear. I met him on a skiing holiday in Scotland. Bears are outstanding skiers. He was there with his family Betsy the Bear, Jeff the Bear and his young daughter Miranda the Bear (now deceased). Unfortunately whilst we were skiing there was an assault on a mountaintop retreat (which turned out to be a hotel) by a lone British secret agent and in his bid to escape he inadvertently caused an avalanche and shot several innocent bystander bears (Miranda included).

  After this me and Brian the Bear (in bear culture it is mandatory to change your name and go on a killing spree when suffering bear-eavement)... went on a killing spree. Ever been on a nationwide killing spree with a bear? It is quite an experience I tell you! We were getting up to all kinds of mischief... sleeping in skips, rummaging about in bins, biting the heads off pit bulls. I have never had so much fun in my life.

  Well ultimately Brian the Bear simply forgot about his daughter and called off the whole killing spree. Unfortunately by this point we had already broken into Buckingham Palace after mauling several of the guards. As such I suddenly found myself standing in the Queen’s bedroom with a half tonne killing machine that had suddenly lost the ability to speak (did I mention he could speak?). Naturally it all got pinned on me and they assumed that I had let the bear into the palace as some kind of bizarre assassination attempt. Never rely on a bear to give you an alibi that’s all I will say...

  ----------

  Just as last time (oddly) it seems the way to break through these people’s automatic responses is by talking about bears...

  Alena

  to: Trevor Mcinsley

  Hello Trevor.

  All that you have written it seriously? If I am fair is amazed by your answer?

  Trevor I search for serious relations with the man not for the sake of an entertainment, I want to construct in the future a high-grade family, with absolutely healthy man.

  Trevor reading yours messages I has understood that in it there is nothing reasonable that involves me.

  I asked you to send your photo, but you and have not made it.

  Last time I answered your test, what it means?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Apologies if I have caused confusion. Which part of my correspondence so far has led you to believe I might not be serious? Is it because I said ‘I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH A DOG BOY’ in my second email?

  I am also looking to construct a ‘high-grade family’ so I have done some research on the matter for us: http://iluka.com/docs/asx-releases/high-grade-titanium-dioxide-pricing-december-2011.pdf

  I hope that is helpful.

  Thank you for answering my survey, however I am concerned about some of your answers. To the question ‘Have you ever lied and are you lying now?’ you answered with ‘No response’. ‘No response’ is still a response and therefore that is a lie. Also to the question ‘Ever drunk so much vodka you fell off your unicycle?’ you answered with just one out of five. What exactly does this mean?

  I am very sorry that I have not yet sent a photo but last week a man wearing a Hulk Hogan mask broke into my mansion and stole my camera. Fortunately however the ghost of my dead dog returned it to me today. He is exceptionally good at fetch for a ghost. I cannot say the same for the ghost of my dead wife.

  Anyway I have now attached a photo. Do not be alarmed if you do a reverse image search and google says: ‘Best guess for this image: crazy homeless man’ as that is probably just a coincidence. Please do not send it to the authorities though as I am a wanted man in Kazakhstan.

  Thankles.

  ----------

  To be honest I was a little bit confused at this stage. Searching virtually any line of their emails turned up results on scam reporting sites and in one of them they had tried to extort $700 from someone to come visit them. So there was no question that they were a scammer. It’s just... they genuinely did fill out my survey. Apparently they are indifferent to small bottles of shampoo.

  I think for an email scammer to actually go to those lengths truly is ‘above and beyond the call’. What I have concluded from my research (yes this is research) is that the first three emails they send are purely automated, indeed they are identical to all sources on the web. They clearly do not read yours at all... this much I concluded from the fact that I talked about the Queen invading Basra and ending up chained to a radiator.

  Eventually though they start responding properly... or more likely read what you actually wrote and give up. It seems calling them into question helps too. In this thirty email back and forth communication I have found online they try to claim that all other accounts using ‘their’ photos are counterfeit, that they alone are real and finish with ‘if you do not trust me then to me it is very insulting’.

  The last thing I wanted to be was insulting. So yes, I sent them a photo of an alcoholic bearded man I keep on my desktop for emergencies and waited to see what would happen...

  Alena

  to: Trevor Mcinsley

  Trevor thanks for a photo.

  Trevor I never drank and I do not drink vodka. I presume to drink to myself a red wine glass. I do not smoke and I do not love alcohol.

  Trevor I think that we absolutely different, at us absolutely different representation of life, about the future.

  ----------

  If I was puzzled before I was positively labyrinthed now... what, that makes sense right? Did they really think there was still a chance of extorting money from me? It seems a jpg entitled ‘photoofme’ goes a long way. Alas I do not own the rights to the photo but if you have the time image search ‘crazy homeless man’ and scroll down half a page to the shiny faced man with the black beard and the green shirt. I am fairly sure, given the image quality and lack of excrement on the man that he is not actually homeless but still... it is far from flattering. Anyway I wanted to see how far I could push them...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Did you look at the prices for high grade titanium dioxide? I think they are within our budget. Basically I am saying we should go into business together producing Tic Tacs. We’ll probably have to call them something like Tic Tsars to avoid copyright issues but I don’t think this will have an adverse effect on sales, do you?

  What else should you know about me before we meet? Hmm...

  I was the star of Dances with Wolves until that bastard Costner came along and stole my part. They had to refilm the entire... film just because of him. Prick.

  I hired an assassin to kill my former wife and I fear this is why she still haunts my mansion.

  I have a 1:4 scale model railway in my garden which I like to ride around on naked whilst drinking Chardonnay. Would you like me to send you a photo of me doing this?

  Besides from my ghost dog and a team of cleaners I have on staff to mop up the ethereal blood that keeps appearing on all my walls I live alone. I get lonely sometimes and use the services of an eighteen stone prostitute named Lollessa. She is very nice to me and doesn’t mind when I ask her if my ghost dog can join in. Sometimes I get her to dress as a porcupine and I usually pay her in cake. I hope this will not be a problem for you.

  If you come and live with me I intend to keep you chained to a wall in my basement where I shall
force feed you foie gras and Oreos. Hopefully we can start a website called alenathebiscuitwench.com where we can post videos of you eating these things. A little while back (and don’t ask me what I was searching to find this) I found a website which was just videos of a woman swallowing goldfish and eating woodlice. It was pretty fucking bizarre but the videos were going for thirty dollars a piece so I figure we could make a killing.

  Other hobbies of mine include hunting geese with a tennis racket, arson and playing American football with kittens. There are a hundred and sixteen rooms in my mansion and each one contains a sink. I have had all the bathroom mirrors removed however because every time I looked in one I would see my dead wife standing behind me with a hatchet and a string of Cumberland sausages (assassin’s tools of the trade). Therefore I would ask that when you stay with me if you want to look in a mirror you do it elsewhere. I WILL NOT ALLOW REFLECTIVE SURFACES IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE MY WHORE OF A GHOST WIFE WILL TRY TO MURDER YOU USING THEM.

  So when do you want to move in?

  ----------

  After a few hours I got bored waiting and decided to call them out... Most of the reports online I have seen end this way, usually with the victim being ‘unclear’ whether or not they are genuine and confronting them with one of the thousands of scammer reports online associated with their name or email address. I like to go the extra mile...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Alena, I am dreadfully confused. You have claimed to be from Cheboksary in Russia but when I looked up your IP address from my survey results and your emails I found you are in Germany. To confound matters further when I looked up this IP address I found it was hosting what appears to be a Chinese cookery site. At least it used to be.

  The individual running it is clearly a bit dodgy. From the whois data I found something like ten other domains which had used some or all of this individual’s contact details. All of these sites have since shut down and it is no surprise when at least four of them are pirate video streaming sites and one is rather optimistically entitled imdbchina.

  In fact when I continued digging into the associated email address I found a pretty substantial list of registered domains which are simply strings of random letters and numbers. From this email address I found a man named ‘[Mr Ben]’ on facebook. The one thing he has added to his favourites is a domain and hosting website and 99% of his friends are Chinese.

  As it turns out the individual I found is the creator of Bitcomet, a fairly popular bit of torrenting software. Needless to say this is more than a little perplexing. I do not end up finding Chinese creators of bittorrent software when I research my IP address. I also do not find the multitude of blacklists and warnings I got from yours.

  It appears you are using a proxy or renting a server to send me these emails and I have to question why. Why can you not be honest with me?

  I was hoping to chain you to my basement wall and feed you cake but now I am not sure I even want to anymore. Are you for real?

  I have found a website with your name, email address and photos posted to it by a man who claims you tried to extort money from him. I thought you loved me? Am I not worth trying to extort money from?

  I’m starting to think you do not want to ride around naked with me on my model railway and get chased around the house by my murderous poltergeist wife. Please tell me you still want to avoid getting murdered by ghosts with me? I think she is getting more violent and I am afraid to face her alone. This morning the bed was filled with headless snakes and my morning coffee tasted worryingly similar to lamb’s blood. Every attempt to remove her from the house has failed and I think you are the only one left who can help me. Last week she nearly raped Bill Murray to death and I have no idea where Dan Aykroyd has gone.

  Please come over to England and help me search my mansion for Dan Aykroyd? I don’t know who else to turn to. If my ghost wife succeeds in raping me to death then my haunted mansion and all the money I made building on Indian burial grounds will just go to waste.

  Attached is a photo of my dead dog. You will meet his ghost when you come live with me.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Alena, please help me. I am sending you this message from my phone because the ghost of my wife cornered me and I had no choice but to hide in the airing cupboard. It is very hot in here.

  In retrospect I don’t think it was the best move because she appears to be able to walk through walls. Well I say walk... float is more what she is doing. Just floating there with her massive knives and what appears to be some kind of ghost laser clasped between her feet.

  Already she has disintegrated the entire west wing of my mansion and blown up my 1:4 scale garden railway. I am very scared. Please send help. Send someone... send... Putin. He’ll do. Send me Vladimir Putin to kill my ghost wife. Thank you.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Alena. Bad news. My ghost dog tried to attack my ghost wife and well, I don’t know how to break this to you but... she killed him with her ghost laser. I know you were very close and I am sorry.

  Also the house now appears to be under attack by zombies too. I’m not sure how that has happened. Send help.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Alena, why are you ignoring me? I need help. I need... I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night. He’s gotta be strong, he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light. He’s gotta be sure, he’s gotta be soon and he’s gotta be larger than life.

  Please send me Vladimir Putin immediately. Oh and Van Helsing. Him too. He’s a Russian right?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Alena, bad news. The zombies appear to also be wizards and they have summoned a cave troll. The house is now under attack by my dead wife, wizard zombies, a cave troll and hawkmen. Oh yes... hawkmen showed up last night.

  I have taken to living in the downstairs bathroom and surviving off spiders but I fear I will not last long. I NEED VLADIMIR PUTIN THIS INSTANT!

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Alena. I have just been bitten by a zombie. I am afraid this is the end for me. When I ran out of spiders in the downstairs bathroom I went out to forage for more and got attacked by a half dozen zombie wizards, a cave troll and Brian Blessed, the leader of the hawkmen. In the ensuing carnage I was able to shave off Brian’s beard and kill many of the wizard zombies with a small, gas powered trebuchet I keep for emergencies. Unfortunately it was all for naught and I was bitten.

  I fear we shall never meet and ride on 1:4 scale railways around the world together as we had always dreamed. Advise Putin that his services will no longer be required and he should send a nuclear warhead to my mansion immediately. Address follows:

  Trevor Mcinsley,

  That Haunted Mansion Over There,

  Salisbury Plain, Wiltshire, SP4 7DE.

  Thank you and goodbye.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Alena

  Anela, good nwes. The zoibmes wree frdneily zoibmes and it tnrus out tehy wree olny atikcatng in oedrr to klil my daed wfie. Tehy maganed to bsinah her to a blttoe of Cognac wcihh I had lniyg anuord for emecnegries. Prdivoed I neevr oepn it tehy arusse me she wlil not be albe to rpae me wtih her maissve kevins. Tehy aslo rescerruted my gsoht dog (he is slitl a gshot tguohh) and reiublt my maisnon (it is a gohst too now).

  In fcat the olny neitagve ecefft the btie smees to hvae had on me is taht I can no legnor tpye prrepoly. Stnarge taht.

  Wehn are you cnimog to saty tehn?

  ----------

  Unftanutroely it smees I was unable to raepet my exellecnt sueccss from last time where the guy eventually got so annoyed that he just started swearing at me. Can’t say I didn’t try. I guess you’ll just have to go read Trevor Mcinsley Moments if that’s what you’re after. Oh well... (I have no shame).

&
nbsp; Trevor Mcinsley: Still the Fastest Gun in the West

  Prior to sending out a stupid email you kind of know whether or not you are going to get a response. For instance spammers always respond (up to a point)... their responses are never worth publishing without a complete revamp but it at least means I get to send follow up emails and delve further into my own literary delusions.

  So in my ‘Quick Fire Emails’ (if I were a game show)... section from earlier I was neither expecting nor indeed planning on getting responses. Posting them there would have broken up my own nonsensical drivel and rather defeated the point. However I did get responses... lots of responses...

  My poodle, Teacup, has just swallowed my iphone charger.

  [A Vet]

  to: Trevor Mcinsley

  Dear Trevor

  I have spoken to our vet and he is fascinated with this predicament and was wondering if you would be able to forward a video clip of Teacup with the electric cable, or if you are unable to take a video, a couple of pictures might be helpful.

  It seems quite a complex case and one that will be far to difficult to discuss via email, so if you would like to call us on 017[117 177] 117, I will pass you through to our vet as soon as I can.