Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet

by Trevor Mcinsley

  I understand leopard semen is a popular ingredient in drinks these days and I was wondering what the procedure for obtaining it is. I picture vast warehouses full of sexually jaded leopards hooked up to milking machines but I suspect this is a bit outdated now. For instance I imagine big companies like Pepsi and Coca Cola obtain their leopard semen through engineered bacteria or cloning. I went online to look for ‘artificial leopard semen’ for our new range of milkshakes but I was unable to find anything. Can you help?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Psychiatrist]

  I literally cannot stop emailing people about leopard semen. Do you think I have a problem?

  [Psychiatrist]

  to: Trevor Mcinsley.

  Dear Trevor,

  Thank you very much for contacting us.

  We can offer you an initial 50 minute consultation with a counselling psychologist. The assessment would explore your presenting issues, background history, goals and expectations and determine if therapy would be beneficial. The fee is £110 - £130 and payment is made at the end of the session by either cash or cheque...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Psychiatrist]

  A hundred quid just to stop myself emailing people about leopard semen? No thanks. I think I’ll just keep emailing people about leopard semen. Would it be cheaper for a smaller, domestic cat? I could maybe try and wean myself onto emails about tabby cat urine instead if you think this would be a good stepping stone?

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  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: British Psychological Society

  One of my favourite pastimes is sprinkling radium in wishing wells. Is this an acceptable way to spend my free time or do you think I might have a problem?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Psychologist]

  I quite enjoy sneaking into farmer’s fields and decorating their livestock with tinsel, baubles and other Christmas decorations. Is this healthy or might I have something wrong with me? There is scarcely a field within 5 miles of my caravan without a Christmas sheep in it...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Nutritionist]

  I’ve just realised I am eating cold turkey dinosaurs at half two in the morning. Is this normal?

  [Nutritionist]

  to: Trevor Mcinsley

  Urgh in a word - no!

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Nutritionist]

  I am concerned that if I do not get enough turkey dinosaurs I will die. The food groups diagram concocted by the Food Standards Agency does not seem to have a category labelled ‘Turkey Dinosaurs’ so I am unclear what the recommended daily allowance is. Therefore I have been working under the assumption that if I do not eat at least five things shaped like a Tyrannosaurus Rex daily I am liable to contract septicaemia. Is this correct?

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  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Child Nutritionist]

  Hello. What is the recommended daily allowance of carbon that a five year old should be eating? Tanks!

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: National Farmers Union

  How many pigs am I allowed to own? Is there a limit? I’m not saying I am going to fill a barn with six thousand of the things and start rolling around like some pig crazed billionaire or anything but... we currently have a plot of land the size of New Hampshire and nothing to do with it so...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Pet shop]

  What is the largest fish which I could legally own in the UK? I like things to be big. My house is four stories tall, I have a custom car which is massive (hummer with a fiat punto stuck to the roof) and my wife is one of the most enormous women you will ever see. Therefore I figured... fish. Big fish. What does ‘overcompensating’ mean anyway?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Channel 4

  My wife weighs 43 stone and has legs like a bear. Would you like to make a documentary about her?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Loyd Grossman

  I have just been lying in bed shouting ‘fuck, fuckedy bullshit bastard’ and any number of other incomprehensibly convoluted strings of swear words into my pillow... because of the worst migraine I have ever had. Then I ate a curry. Now I can scarcely even recall what a migraine feels like. From this I have concluded one of two things: A. I am a wizard or B. Curry cures migraines. Which is it?

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  Only my mind could jump from big fish to bear women to television chefs in the space of about ten minutes... and to be honest when I googled Loyd Grossman, found his Wikipedia page and learnt that he used to play in a punk band I thought the entire experience had just been a peculiar dream. Frankly after discovering this I am vaguely concerned that his curry sauce might be 90% hair gel and spit...

  Sorry Loyd, that was rather immature of me wasn’t it? Let’s get serious now...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Milking Machine People]

  I am interested in purchasing a milking machine. Which model do you think would be best for extracting seminal fluid from a leopard?

  Thanks.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Whipsnade Zoo

  Last time we visited the zoo a leopard made a mess on my son’s coat. I have tried soap, bleach and even white wine but so far nothing seems to have helped. Do you know the best means of removing leopard semen from clothing? Thanks.

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  Their automated response said that the answers to most questions could be found on their website. Somehow I doubt it...

  Whipsnade Zoo

  to: Trevor Mcinsley

  Dear Trevor,

  Thank you for your email. I am afraid we do not house leopards at either our London or Whipsnade sites so we are unsure to how this would have happened at our zoo.

  It seems there might not be a solution to the problem after all of your methods.

  Please let me know if you have any further questions.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Whipsnade Zoo

  Hello again. Apologies for the confusion. My son was rather traumatised after the incident and it seems he may have imagined bits of the story. It now appears the leopard semen was thrown onto him by one of the orangutans who apparently had a small cup of the stuff.

  How do you think an orangutan would get hold of a cup of leopard semen? Was a visiting leopard researcher pickpocketed by one of them?

  We have managed to get the coat clean now anyway. For future reference it seems the best way to remove leopard semen from a child’s coat is a mixture of turpentine, rubbing alcohol and Muller Light yogurt.

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  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Whipsnade Zoo Human Resources Department

  I have been unable to find any information regarding leopard semen on your website. Is this in error?

  ----------

  Strangely the automated response to this one just said: ‘Thank you for your application for the advertised vacancy.’ I hate to wonder what vacancy they think I am applying for...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Web Designers]

  Hello. I understand you created the website for Whipsnade Zoo. Since they do not have a contact email for a website admin I thought I would point out the error to you instead. Despite three hours of looking I cannot find any information on leopard semen on their page. I’m sure something must have gone wrong.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: DEFRA

  Hello. What are the regulations on owning a leopard in the UK? I am not intending to sell its semen to Pepsi Cola or anything...

  Thanks.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Psychosexual Counselling]

  I am obsessed with leopards. I cannot help it. I find them inexplicably erotic. It seems the only two options left to me are: A. To break into Whipsnade Zoo and jump into the leopard enclosure with a copy of Zookeeper Monthly and a tub of Vaseline, or B. To dress as a leopard and roam about the streets of London at night. Which do you think would be the most sensibl
e idea?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [London Escort Agency]

  Do you service leopards?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Leopard Expert]

  Do leopards eat bananas and is this where the popular EastEnders’ phrase ‘keep that leopard away from my fucking bananas comes from’?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: BBC

  EastEnders has been on our screens for 28 years now and has never once featured a leopard tearing apart Craig Charles. Why is this?

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  Ever wonder why there is so much crap on TV these days? ie. A lack of leopards? Well I think in part it might be due to the fact that the complaints form is so convoluted and long it took a good ten minutes just to send those measly 24 words... so I looked for other options...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Entertainment Agency]

  Hello. I understand you do not accept requests to contact your artists directly but I have chosen to ignore this.

  I am writing about Craig Charles at the moment and I need to know if he would be happy for his character on EastEnders to be mauled by a 200lb leopard. It would be the ideal way to kill off his character when he gets tired of the show or simply a good mid season plot which could give him a well needed excuse to turn up for the Christmas special sporting leopard scars down his face and a hook for a hand. The writers of EastEnders have refused to comment on this matter so I need his opinion. Thanks.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: EastEnders Ultra

  Hello. I do not know what your affiliation with EastEnders is as I have never actually watched the show. In fact from the ‘ultra’ in the name I can only assume that this is the fan fiction site for EastEnders set in space. Anyway, I need to know if Craig Charles would be happy for his character on EastEnders to be eaten by a leopard... or a space leopard if I must. Please get back to me regarding this. Thanks.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Intellectual Property Office

  I need to copyright an image for use as a company logo but I am unsure of how to proceed. The image will be used on our website, business card and invoices. It is that of a leopard ejaculating.

  How do I go about copyrighting this image?

  Thanks. Trevor Mcinsley.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: United States Patent Office

  One of my patents is still pending and I am wondering what the holdup is. I have submitted all the necessary paperwork and some very detailed diagrams but still no joy. If you could take another look and let me know when it will be approved that would be great. The title of the patent application is: ‘Milking Machine for Mass Production of Leopard Semen’.

  Thanks.

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: European Patent Office

  I am currently developing a genetically engineered strain of bacteria for cultivating leopard seminal fluid. This will then be used for artificial insemination, cloning research, soft drinks etc.

  How do I patent my ‘Leopard Sperm Germ’?

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Irish Patent Office

  I believe one of my patents is being infringed and used without my permission. Can you assist me with this matter? The patent in question is for my ‘Leopard Semen Drink Filtration System’ and the infringer is Guinness.

  Thank you.

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  It’s a tad disturbing how readily people will reply to these things you know. Despite telling the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs I wasn’t going to sell leopard semen to Pepsi they responded seriously. Despite saying I wanted to copyright an image of an ejaculating leopard I still got a response. BBC replied seriously, as did all the patent people... there’s good customer service and then there is a failure to see the startlingly obvious fact that the customer in question is a time wasting lunatic...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Japan Patent Office

  We are a British soft drink producer with a range of... interesting drinks. Our signature product ‘Trevor Mcinsley’s 100% Organic Leopard Semen’ has not been selling very well however and we are at a loss to explain why. We have conducted some market research and... well actually we pretty much stopped researching once we found out you can buy live crabs from a vending machine in Japan and just said ‘That’s the place for us!’

  So yes. What would it take to bring our product to your shores? Do you think the Japanese people will have a taste for leopard semen?

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  Unlike some book of correspondences... books of correspondence... fuck it. Unlike some other people who shall remain nameless I do not publish contact details or personal names. In the case of the former this is because I do not want to be held responsible for other people contacting them and in the latter... well it’s obvious isn’t it? Bosses can be bastards and if they find out that one member of their customer service team has spent an hour responding to an email entitled ‘Please to buy leopard semen?’ ...it isn’t going to bode well for them.

  However the email for the Japanese place was so bizarre I genuinely felt like I was emailing a cyborg called PA1A31. Catchy name I know. Ok so English isn’t their native language and I very much appreciate their translation work on the site but... I’m just confused is all. If it were nothing but numbers I would understand it was to keep it simple for people of all languages but every email on their site is just a string of seemingly random letters and numbers. For a country that has bipedal coke machines and giant inflatable schoolgirls sitting atop train tracks... they sure show a lack of creativity and a mindless obsession for normality.

  I found that disturbing. Incidentally on the subject of schoolchildren filled with hot air... I did a reverse image search on that train station inflatable thing to try and find out... well do I really need to justify being in the dark as to why they had erected a massive girl in the middle of town? Google, without any bias, simply said: ‘Best guess for this image: japan is weird’. Which I think sums it up rather well.

  Nevertheless I was rather frustrated by the fact that I had no idea whether or not an image I had laughed at a hundred times was real... and if so what the inspiration behind it had been...

  “You know what this train station needs?”

  “A giant inflatable schoolchild straddling the tracks?”

  “Yes. That is exactly what I was just thinking.”

  Ah to be privy to that particular council meeting...

  Since I had only ever seen said terrifying massive child from one angle I suspected it might be a well executed Photoshop job and, short of reverse image searching it, it is rather difficult to find.

  I put off searching ‘giant inflatable schoolgirl’ for fear of what I might find and... sure enough... the very first result is ‘Giant Inflatable Penis Costume’... which does exactly what it says on the tin.

  Anyway, I am no more the wiser. Trust an email to Japan to send me off topic...

  Back to the matter in hand...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Sperm Bank]

  I would like to donate sperm.

  I AM NOT A LEOPARD.

  Yours sincerely, Trevor Mcinsley.

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  I know that’s at least the third time I have used the whole sensible sentence-CAPS-yours sincerely... routine now but I still maintain it has comic validity. Curiously it seems their auto reply system had the same thing in mind and sent two identical emails within five seconds of contacting them - the first normal and the second in bold. What a strange thing to do...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: [Alpaca Farm]

  I have heard that alpacas are driven into a killing frenzy when they smell leopard semen. Is this true?

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  I have tried to end this section five times now. Each time I think ‘just one more’ and then end up sending six consecutive bloody emails about leopard semen. Is it even remotely funny anymore? I can’t tell if I am just laughing because of my insane persi
stence on the matter or if it is because my image of a leopard has forever been altered. Next time someone says ‘leopard’ in a word association game (it happens a lot alright) I know what’s coming next...

  Trevor Mcinsley

  to: Harrods

  Back in the good old days when you could walk into Harrods and order a lion without anyone batting an eyelid I understand you could also get leopard semen from the food court. Is this correct?

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  Just as a bizarre anecdote here... if you want to see something almost as surreal as emailing an upmarket department store about leopard semen... just go look at their contact form. Specifically the drop down box for your title... one of them is ‘Her Royal Highness’.

  How often can that come up? Really? The notion of someone who has their face on stamps, an ocean liner named after them and ultimately, an army, sitting down to send a complaint about the quality of their Christmas hamper is just...

  Anyway, it is just about the most comprehensive and patronising list of titles I have ever seen. They may as well just let you enter ‘Chief Laser Technician’ or ‘Death Star Human Resources Manager’ for how common some are....