by S. Moose
Not yet.
“Is she okay?”
“It’s not my story to tell,” she responds. “I mean, she’s not depressed or anything and not like before. A lot is going on and I think it’s best you come home to help her.”
“I don’t know the road to her anymore, Mandy. Don’t you understand how hard this has been for everyone? My brother is dead. My mom is in another state and I’m not sure what to do about Bayleigh. She hasn’t reached out to me and every time I try to call her I freeze and change my mind. So what am I supposed to do?” I look at her, seeing that she’s about to answer. “Don’t answer that.”
“I get it. You and Bayleigh have been through almost everything good and bad. Those moments, the ones you go through with her, are the moments that make you stronger. I think you should come back and face the music, Ty. Neither of you will make the first step. If you love her and think for one second there’s a chance then fight.”
“Why do I have to fight for her? It feels like I’m the only one who does.”
Taking a seat on a chair, I hang my head and fight the overwhelming voices in my head. My head and heart are telling me two different things.
Go to her.
Forget her.
What voice do I listen to?
Slowly getting up and walking to the hotel mini bar, I pour myself another glass of scotch and sit back down. There are too many things in the way of going back to her. The unanswered questions should be and need to be answered, and maybe one more chance won’t ultimately kill me.
I’ve always been a man who fights and rarely backs down. This time we’ve hurt each other, and I want to know if she can forgive herself.
I need to let her know I’ve forgiven her.
Hearing how alone she is and sinking back to her old ways doesn’t sit well. I can be the hero and save her, or the villain and leave her be.
“How much hurt can I take? How much hurt can I cause her? Even though it kills me to be away from her, I think it’s the best thing.”
Talking about this again forces the pain to crack inside. The air becomes thick and my lungs are closing. My throat constricts and I’m gripping tightly to get in a breath.
“You made a mistake, just like she did.”
“Yeah,” I agree.
“She needs you, Tyler. Even though she won’t admit it now. She needs you.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“That’s her story to tell . . .”
“No!” I scream, “What’s wrong with her, Mandy?”
“She’s going through a lot and she’s alone! We’re trying to be there for her and you know how she is. She pushes and pushes until she can’t and shuts down.” Mandy pauses and I don’t respond. “You guys haven’t seen each other since September and now it’s almost the end of November. Seriously, come on. Tyler, I know you’re hurt and you want to be away. If you love her like I know you love her, then come back home. Be there for her and help her get through this.”
My heart’s racing. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I’d cross oceans, mountains and walk through the burning depths of hell to see her smile.
This time I can be the hero again and fight for her. I can fight and make her see she’s never alone. If life were a card game, and I’m holding a good hand, then I should play it. In this situation, my chances are in my favor. Time and space were given to both of us and I’m not going in with an angry tone or face.
“Okay. I’ll be home soon.”
Tyler
THE NEXT MORNING, Mandy and I have breakfast at the hotel. I slept on the pull out couch in the living room and let her take my bed. All throughout the night, my mind drifted to Bayleigh. It took so much of me to not text her and tell her I’m coming back home for good. In a lot of ways I think I had to stop myself because I didn’t want to know what her response would be. If she didn’t respond that would wreck me and if she did and it wasn’t an answer I wanted, I’d be pissed. So to prevent any more anger, I stayed away and laid on the couch thinking about her.
“So, I never really asked you what happened with you and Bayleigh the last time you talked to her. She doesn’t talk about it. I’ve tried pulling it out of her. But when I bring it up, her face goes blank. I know you slept with Anna and that sucks. I get why you did it, while on the other hand I don’t.”
“It’s hard to explain. I was lonely and desperate. I wanted to feel like someone wanted me. For two years I fought for her, Mandy. I tried to make her see we were meant for each other, then I find out she’s in love with my brother? It was all too much. Anna was there and I took advantage of the situation.”
“But you love Bayleigh.” I nod my head. “Have you talked to Anna?”
“No. She knows what happened was a mistake and she’s keeping her distance. The time away is helping me let what happened two months ago sink in. I mean who knows, maybe life will throw me a lifesaver to pull me up, and when I stand again, I’ll see her.”
“What makes you think everything will be okay when you go back?”
“Well that’s the thing,” I pause and think about what I want to say, playing around with the eggs on my plate. “I’m not sure how things will go. She might slam the door in my face and ignore me. Or she’ll tell me to go back. Or she’ll welcome me back with open arms. Last night I did some thinking and I love her. She’s the one for me. I’m going to fight for her. I won’t give up until she forgives me. Our relationship won’t be easy and I’m okay with that. We’ve never been through anything like this. Before the rape we were perfect. Too perfect, and we got used to being that way. It’s impossible to find the love we have. I’ve fallen for her and I’ll never be able to stand life without her.”
I let the words I said sink in. I want it all with her. I want the flaws, the mistakes and the crazy that comes along with our relationship. In all the chaos and mess surrounding our lives I know she’s it for me and I don’t seek to find love because I have it. I have her. Being with Anna, and the other girls in California don’t measure up with Bayleigh. We’re facing the toughest storm and when I get back, hopefully the disaster will pass and we’ll be holding hands.
“I think you coming back will help her. She’s so alone and confused. It sucks seeing her light disappear again. I’m scared she’s going to revert back to her old ways. Like before.”
My heart sinks hearing what’s going on with Bayleigh. There’s a small piece of me that doesn’t feel anything. This is what she wanted. After leaving Rochester, and coming back to California, even though I thought about her, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. Talking to her meant missing her and those emotions being real. I didn’t want to think about her all the time. And now hearing that she’s miserable, and alone, the overpowering feeling of needing to protect her takes over.
“Yeah,” I mutter, “Time can only tell.”
We finish our breakfast and head to my car so I can bring her to the airport. It was nice to see her and have one on one time. Driving her to the airport, we talk more about Bayleigh, and she fills me in about her upcoming wedding to Damon Ridge.
Heading to the hotel after dropping Mandy off, I step off the elevator and into the hotel room. Throwing the keys and my wallet on the table, I walk outside to the balcony.
I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I feel lost, more than I have in my entire life. If I go back to Rochester and she doesn’t want me there, then what? The exhaustion and loneliness lingers. Getting up from the chair, I grip the railing and keep my eyes on the ocean. I’m on the edge and I’m hoping to, for once, be surprised.
Walking back inside, I change into sweatpants and get in bed. Lying in bed, thinking about her, I let tears fall down my face. How can I go back and make things right? As toxic as we were, maybe now things are different, now that we’ve had time to think about things and grow as individuals. Maybe now we’re stronger, and can smooth out the issues from before. My breath stills and my mind races. There are too many what-ifs going on and no
t enough answers. Focusing my attention on the white wall, I grab my phone from the nightstand and twirl it in my hands. Shoving a rough hand through my hair, I flip on my side, still unsure about what to do.
The next morning, I look at my phone and there’s nothing. I let hope take over, thinking my conversation with Mandy would ignite something in Bayleigh. Looking over at the empty space next to me, I decide to stay in bed for a little longer.
My phone rings and immediately I answer without looking.
“Bay.”
“No, honey. Sorry.”
I sigh, “Hi Mom. Sorry about that. How are you?”
“I’m holding it together, son. How are you doing?”
“Oh fine,” I lie. I don’t want her to worry.
“Carrie told me about your promotion. I’m so proud of you Tyler. You’ve been working so hard lately and you deserve this. We’re all proud of you.”
“Thanks Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I know you’re going through a lot . . .”
“Stop right there,” she tells me. “We lost Ryan. We did, Tyler. Not just me and not just you. We’re still a family and you are my son. You’re my baby. Anything that happens to you, the good and bad, I want to know. I don’t want to hear about your accomplishments and downfalls from someone else. I want you to call me and tell me so we can celebrate together.”
“I know you’re in pain right now, Mom,” I tell her, fighting back my emotions. “And I know things aren’t easy. I need you, but I don’t want to be a burden.”
“Tyler,” she cries. “You are not a burden. Please don’t think that okay?”
“Okay.”
I hear her sniffling and it kills me that I’m causing her to cry and I’m not there to hold her. She’s my mom and I’m all she has left.
“Are you coming here?”
“Ah about that mom. I don’t think I’ll be there until Christmas, if that’s okay.”
“As long as you bring Bayleigh. It’s fine,” I hear the smile in her voice. “Go back home, Tyler. Fight for what you want. Things right now don’t seem fair, and you’re lost. It’s normal. When you love someone as much as you love Bayleigh, then you fight until she sees what’s in front of her. You fight and you show her your love.”
“Thanks Mom. I needed to hear that. Yes, we will be there for Christmas.”
I have four weeks to convince Bayleigh we belong together.
My heart’s racing thinking about the possibility of us together. There’s still a small chance we’ll be together. I have to hold on to that.
She may hate me and be upset over what happened with Anna, but I accept that. I accept her pushing me away because I did the unthinkable. I’ll do anything to convince her to forgive me. I’ll show her how strong my love is and I’ll beg her to take me back.
Not wanting to stay in my hotel room, I change into my workout clothes and head down to the gym. Grabbing my phone, I text Mandy to make sure she’s okay.
Mandy: Still stranded in Atlanta. I can’t believe there are no direct flights
Me: Yeah it sucks. You’re okay though?
Mandy: Dandy. Should be boarding soon.
Me: Okay good. If you need anything let me know.
Mandy: Thanks, Tyler. So we’ll see you soon?
Me: Yes
Putting my phone in my pocket, I walk into the gym and hop on the treadmill. Starting my Pandora, I put in my ear buds and run. I love the feeling in my legs and pushing through a good workout. Since being alone here and not going out, I find myself in the gym most days. I’m running for the first twenty minutes or so and then head to the weights. The hotel gym isn’t the greatest with machines. For now it’ll do. When I get home, I’ll sign up for a membership at a gym.
Finishing my workout, I decide to swim for a while. Walking in, I notice it’s only myself here and I like it that way. Jumping in, I swim a few laps and push my body to exhaustion. It feels good being here alone. In the water I can clear my head and think about what I’m going to do when I’m back in Rochester.
Bayleigh
“YOU HAVE TO EAT something,” Seth urges and bumps my shoulder.
I stir my soup with a spoon and lean back on the sofa, bringing my legs up and under me. Holding the bowl of soup in my hands, I blow the strands of hair out of my face and take a small sip. Taking a look around my new apartment, I smile and eat more of my soup.
A few weeks after losing Ryan, I decided it was time to move out of my parents’ house and get my own place. Luckily, Mandy still had time on her lease so I’m living in her old apartment while she’s living with Damon.
“Thank you for being here,” I smile. “It means a lot. You’ve been there for me since Tyler left.”
Seth, one of the partners at the firm, has been my shoulder and rock for the past two months. We got close after he found out about Ryan’s death. He listens more than he gives advice and that’s what I need. I have Mandy and Damon to give me advice, and my parents, but right now I need someone to hold my hand and listen.
Seth pats my knee, “I like spending time with you. Have you heard from him?” I shake my head. “Are you going to talk to him?”
“Not right now. A lot of shit is going on,” I mutter. “It’s hard, and I want a little more time to gather my thoughts.”
Seth knows almost everything that’s going on. It’s easy talking to him, and trusting him. Since Tyler left and Ryan passed away, I’m realizing how short life truly is and I’m tired of pushing people away. It’s not going to happen tomorrow, or the next day, but I’m slowly feeling good again. The first thing I need to do is make things right with Tyler.
I wish things could be different. I wish Tyler would come back and we could build our friendship again. However, I don’t think that’ll happen. He’s been through so much, and I don’t see him coming back from California. An internal war of what I should do wages on. One side is screaming to fight and the other side is screaming defeat. I should go and fight for him. My heart squeezes thinking about jumping on a plane and landing in California. Knowing how much pain we’re both in, and remembering the way we left things, really hurts.
But would it help anything?
Pain hits me, causing the bowl of soup to drop. I wince in agony, holding my stomach, crying for help.
“Shh,” Seth takes me in his arms. “Bayleigh, what’s wrong?” he frantically asks me. “Please talk to me; what’s wrong?”
“Just a bad cramp. I promise. It’s a bad cramp. I think I’m getting my period,” I say through my crying and gritted teeth. “Can you get me a heating pad? It’s in my room in my closet.”
“Okay. Okay.”
The pain is getting worse. I slow my breathing and hold my stomach, hoping the pain will pass. Nothing is helping. The stabbing pain gets worst and I’m on my side, in the fetal position, protectively holding my stomach. I know it’s more than a cramp.
Seth rushes downstairs to the kitchen and I hear him pushing the buttons on the microwave, cursing under his breath.
The pain slows down after a few moments and I reach into my hoodie pocket to get my phone. I think about texting Tyler, begging him to come back. Only I stop myself. I can’t finish the words I so desperately want to say.
“I’m back,” he says and places the heating pad on my stomach. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah. A little,” I force myself to laugh. “Thanks for being here. You’re like the male version of Mandy.”
“Ugh please don’t say that,” he smiles. “I’ll be on the other couch okay?” I nod, and hold the phone in my hand, struggling to make the decision to text him or not. It’s been months since we’ve talked, and I’m not sure how he’s doing or what’s going on. I’m partially to blame. If only I had the courage to start a conversation, but I don’t.
With Mandy out of town and my parents helping Moira out in Colorado, Seth is taking it upon himself to stay with me and make sure I’m okay. It’s nice to not be alone.
I rest my hand on my stoma
ch, remembering the life inside me and praying everything is okay. The pain comes and goes. It doesn’t last long. My first appointment with my obstetrician is coming up and Mandy’s coming with me. She’s the only person who knows and Damon too. Saying it aloud makes it real. I know I’m pregnant, but there’s something different when you say it and talk about it.
Finding out that I’m pregnant opened my eyes. Not only do I have to be strong and healthy for me, it’s for my baby too. Before I was too stubborn and scared, because I was hurt and I gave up. I gave up because I didn’t feel like I deserved love or passion. I’m terrified and excited to be a mom. I have no idea what to expect or what’s about to come. Before finding out about my baby, I went with the motions and struggled with life. Between the rape, getting over what he did to me, my breakup with Tyler and losing Ryan, things have been really hard. Maybe being pregnant is my blessing in disguise. Maybe it’s showing me how strong I can be.
Now I know what I want. Even though I can’t delete what’s been said or done, I can learn from the mistakes and prepare myself for what I deserve. I deserve Tyler Scott and our baby deserves a father.
Touching my stomach, I smile. There’s only one good thing that came out of the dark days of our lives.
“I love you.” Closing my eyes, I dream about Tyler holding our baby and things are good. Things are the way they should be.
The morning goes by fast and after talking to my parents, I feel a little better. Throughout the conversation, the words I’m pregnant were right on the tip of my tongue. I don’t know when I’ll have the courage to tell anyone else before I tell Tyler.
Putting on my jacket and boots, I get in my car and head to one of my favorite places to be. It seems morbid, but in so many ways, it’s not. Driving to the cemetery, I hold back my tears and park the car, grabbing the flowers from the passenger seat. Taking the long walk to the far end of the cemetery, I sit down in front of Ryan’s tombstone and place my hand on his name.
