Even Rhythm (Offbeat #2)

by S. Moose

  “Baby Scott is going to need you since you’re going to be her Godmother.”

  Mandy cries a little harder and lets me go. “Really? I mean, I knew it because duh, it’s me and we’re best friends.”

  “Yeah, we are and my baby is going to know what it’s like to have a best friend because I got through life with you by my side. You are my best friend and even though you drive me crazy, I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. You’re successful, beautiful, creative, amazing, sweet, and your heart is so big and pure. I’m going to need you forever.”

  “Murphy, I will beat your skinny ass if you leave.” The three of us laugh and it feels good to be surrounded by my friends.

  Serena leaves a few minutes later to head back to the office. I walk her out and give her a hug, thanking her for everything. Shutting the door, I walk back to the living room and see Mandy looking through a photo album.

  “God, we were so little and look at us now,” she says touching each picture. “Do you think about Ryan?”

  “Yeah I do,” I smile. “He’s here with us and he knows I’m going to need him.”

  Mandy smiles and we decide to go for a walk at the park and grab something to eat. When I get home I head upstairs to the nursery and sit down on the rocking chair. Placing my hand on my stomach I look around the room and imagine myself here with our daughter.

  “Do you know how much I love you?” I tell Gillian. “You make my life complete and better. Before you came along I wasn’t sure what I wanted or who I was, and now I know why I’m still here. I’m here to be your mommy. You are my greatest blessing and one of the few things I’ve done right in this life. I’m strong because of you.”

  After all the ups and downs in my life I finally realize my purpose and meaning of life. There will always be bad things that happen. It might not seem fair and things aren’t clear, but one day everything will make sense.

  “Daddy and I are excited to meet you. We all are. When you come into this world it’s going to be scary at first, but trust me things will get better. You’ll have the best people protecting you and making sure you’re okay. When you meet your Godmother, Mandy, I want you to always listen to her. She might seem a little crazy, but Mandy is mommy’s best friend. She’s the kindest person with the biggest heart.”

  I rock back and forth, softly rubbing my stomach, wondering if Gillian can hear me. Nothing bad is going to happen to either of us. Everyone’s overreacting. I believe in faith and I know these obstacles are in front of me to make me stronger. Every day I’m getting strong and it’s because of my husband and daughter.

  “We’re going to make mistakes with you baby girl. Your daddy is going to be strict, but remember how much he loves you.” I smile thinking about how protective Tyler will be with her. She’s going to be beautiful and he’s going to go crazy over everything she does. “Always remember no matter what happens, or the mistakes you make, we’ll love you forever.”

  Bayleigh

  “MANDY, I CAN’T BELIEVE we have to go back to your house. How did you forget your wallet?”

  “Hush, it happens.”

  “We’re going to be late for your fitting!” I whine and roll my eyes. Today has been a disaster. The appointments we had today were rescheduled and now we’re going to miss the fitting.

  The wedding is in a few weeks and I need to make sure the dress fits me and Mandy has to make the final decision too.

  “Well, I have to pee so let’s go and hurry up.” We walk inside her house and all of a sudden the women I love pop up and yell surprise.

  I look around the room at the decorations of pink, white and Winnie the Pooh. Everything looks beautiful and I’m so thankful for the friends in my life.

  My mom, mother-in-law, and Serena stand before me with smiles on their faces. This day means so much to me. Placing my hands on my stomach, I look down and whisper for Gillian to look and see these strong women who’ll love her just as much as Tyler and I will.

  “This means so much to me.” I turn around and look at Mandy. “Thank you so much for planning this.”

  “We all did. Now come on and sit down.”

  Mandy guides me to a rocking chair and my mom hands me a bottle of cold water. I take it and thank her for everything.

  “Today’s all about you and relaxing. So let’s eat and open presents,” Serena announces.

  Finishing the food, which consisted of pasta with chicken, and veggies with dip, Mandy hands me the first box. It’s from Moira.

  “Thank you, Mom.” I smile and open the box. Inside, there’s a white album and on the cover it has Gillian’s name with her 3D sonogram picture. Picking it up, I flip through the pages and see pictures of everyone who’ll be important to my daughter. There are empty pages in the back.

  “Those will be filled and you can always add pages. You’re going to have so many pictures and one day you’ll show this to Gillian.”

  One day.

  I hold back the tears. I’m praying every night that I can see the future with Gillian and Tyler. It’s hard to think about possibly dying and leaving them. If I’m not here to see these monumental moments, then who’ll be sure they’ll be okay? I can’t die.

  My fairytale may end in a few weeks. Swallowing the hard lump in my throat, and feeling the moments around me, I’m realizing I’m not ready for this.

  “Hey,” my mom stands up and walks to me. “Baby girl¸ you’re going to be fine. I believe, just like you do. You will see these moments with your daughter and you’ll be here for her.”

  “And if I’m not,” I whisper. It’s so hard to say those words. “Can you all promise me you’ll watch over my family?”

  Mandy grabs Moira’s hand and Serena looks away.

  “Please, I need to know.”

  “I’m not going to listen to this,” Mandy cries. “Bayleigh, you’re not going anywhere okay?”

  “But we have to talk about it. Please.”

  “No,” she says and Moira wipes the tears from her eyes.

  “Serena please. You’ll be here right? Please remember what I asked of you.”

  “What?” Mandy screeches. “I can’t even right now. You will fucking fight, Bayleigh. Sweetie,” she gets up and walks to me. “Listen to me. Listen to all of us. This is your story and when you’re old and gray, we’ll watch our grandchildren playing. We’re best friends. Like you and Tyler, our friendship is forever okay?”

  I nod, and realize I’m not going anywhere with this conversation.

  “Okay, let’s go back and enjoy today because my beautiful best friend threw me the best surprise.”

  After the baby shower, Mandy drives me home and helps me bring everything from the shower to the nursery. We’re quiet and I take her hand and hold it. She looks at me and I smile.

  “You’ve been my best friend since ninth grade and we’ve been through so much together.”

  “Sweetie, don’t do this.”

  “I have to,” I tell her. “We have to talk about this.” She nods and I continue. “I already told this to Serena and she’s going to be there if anything does happen to me. I need you to do the same. I need you to make sure Gillian knows right from wrong and that Tyler doesn’t lock her up until she’s thirty.” We laugh and she rolls her eyes. “You’re going to be the one my daughter turns to. She’s going to know true friendship and love because of you.”

  “I promise you, I’ll love Gillian and be there for her. But you’re not going anywhere and if you do, I’ll come up to heaven, kick your ass, and drag you down to Earth.”

  “I know you will.” I hug my best friend and my heart is full of love. I feel better knowing I’ll have people watching over my family if I don’t make it.

  Walking Mandy out, I go to the bedroom and see a sleeping Tyler on the bed with a book on his chest. Stepping out of the room, I go back to the nursery and pull out a drawer, looking inside at the letters and journals. Each one is addressed to Gillian, Tyler, Mandy and my parents.


  The journals are for Gillian. She’ll know our story and my love for her. The letters are for each moment I’ll miss if I’m not here. Preparing for the future is what I need to do. As strong as I am, I can’t fight with plans and nature.

  Pulling out one of the many letters I have for Tyler, I sit down and read it.

  Tyler,

  You are the love of my life. Forever my heart will beat for you. I know it’s going to be hard for you and you’ll be so angry and scared.

  Please don’t be.

  You have to be strong for Gillian and be sure to be there for her. You’re her world now.

  As hard as it will be one day, you’re going to move on and find a woman who’ll love you and our daughter. She’s going to be beautiful, strong, with a big heart and she’s going to bring you back to life.

  You’re my forever and that’ll never change. Only I’m not your forever. Someone will take that spot and I know everything will work out in the end.

  Raising Gillian is going to be hard. Remember you are strong and it’s okay not to have all the answers. Mandy and Serena will be there to handle the rough parts like her period, boys and broken hearts. Now, you cannot lock her up until she’s thirty, and please for the love of goodness, don’t make her into a tomboy or tell her boys have cooties. Remember, we fell in love at a young age.

  Making mistakes is part of life and part of being a parent. Don’t get frustrated and think you’re not a good dad. You are going to be wonderful.

  I’m going to miss you so much. Don’t worry because I’m still going to be here, watching you and our daughter, laughing and crying at the moments that’ll stay in our hearts.

  Whenever you see the sunrise or the sun setting, that’s me telling you I love you and I miss you. When you feel the breeze, that’s me running my fingers through your hair.

  I love you Tyler. Forever.

  Bayleigh

  Putting the letter away, I shut the drawer, look around, and head into the bedroom. Sliding under the covers, I hold Tyler and kiss him goodnight.

  “I love you,” I tell him and close my eyes.

  Pain hits me and I gasp in agony. It feels like something is ripping my insides out. Something’s wrong.

  Gillian

  I DON’T KNOW where I am right now. There are lights around me and strange people walking in and out of the room.

  It’s hard to figure out what’s going on and I’m not sure what I should do. Closing my eyes and opening them again, I see a man watching me. He looks sad and really nice.

  The beeping noise is loud and people keep checking over me. I can’t hear what anyone’s saying.

  Everything’s confusing and for some reason, I feel okay I think.

  There’s another man standing next to me and he’s smiling. There are so many thoughts going through my head right now. I think something’s wrong because the strange people are running around and the other man is crying.

  “Gillian, keep fighting,” I hear someone saying. I guess my name is Gillian. “Right now you’re so tiny and your daddy needs you to be strong.”

  I open my mouth, but instead of words coming out, I cry.

  And I cry loud.

  The man cries harder and places his hands on the glass. He’s yelling for someone to come help I think.

  “Everything’s going to be okay,” I hear the other nice man saying. “You’re going to be strong and healthy. I’ll be here whenever you feel sad, okay?”

  I stop crying and close my eyes. I think the nice man is helping me because the beeping slows down and people are slowing down too. There’s a nice woman touching the man’s shoulder.

  Wait, where’s the nice man?

  The woman and crying man are talking and she’s hugging him. She’s crying too. Gosh, people are funny.

  I remember being in a small space. It was comfortable and there was a pretty voice talking to me. The voice kept telling me she loved me and she was excited to see me. We took many naps together and there were many happy times.

  The voices get louder and I don’t remember really hearing the woman’s voice. I wonder where the pretty voice went. I think she’s my mommy. She kept me safe for a long time. She gave me a lot and I loved being inside her.

  Mommy?

  Mommy?

  Mommy, where are you?

  “It’s okay, Gillian. Mommy’s sleeping right now. She’ll be okay soon.” I see the nice man and smile. He’s making me feel safe.

  Okay, nice man. I’ll wait.

  Tyler

  GILLIAN SURPRISED ALL of us and fought through everything. She’s going to be in the NICU for a few months until she’s at a safe weight. Her vitals are strong and the doctors are giving me hope that my baby girl is going to live a long life. There are no complications, just a low weight, and making sure her blood pressure or oxygen levels don’t fall.

  Between staying with her and visiting Bayleigh, my life is now at the hospital where I need to be. The two most important people in my life are fighting for their lives. They have to make it through.

  Looking at my baby girl in the incubator, I wish I could feel her tiny hand and hold her in my arms. Even though it’s terrifying to see someone as tiny as her, I still want to hold her.

  Leaning back in the chair, I go back to the day Gillian was born.

  April 17, 2016.

  Watching her in the incubator with wires all over her. She’s so small and I’m not sure what to think. The doctors tell me since she was born at thirty three weeks she needs to be here until it’s safe for her to come home.

  My baby girl is safe and she’s going to be okay.

  “Tyler?” I hear Mandy’s voice and I don’t turn around. My eyes are on Gillian. “We have to talk, honey.”

  “No.”

  “I know you want to be here. But, you have to understand what the doctor said about Bayleigh.”

  “She suffered a placental abruption and lost a lot of blood,” I cry. “She told me she’d be okay. She promised me,” I mutter, still looking at Gillian. “My daughter is going to need her mom. I can’t do this alone, Mandy.” Feeling her arms around me, she pulls me in for a hug and I cry so hard I nearly lose it. “She can’t die. What’s going to happen?”

  “She won’t. She’s a fighter. Don’t worry. Keep your heart open and have faith she’s going to make it.”

  “I’m going to pray so hard and hope Ryan can hear me.”

  The next day while Carrie and my mom are in the NICU with Gillian, I head back to Bayleigh’s room. I need to be by her side in case she wakes up. Making it to the hospital room where she’s resting, I sit down and take her hand. The softness against my skin eases my mind. I watch her breathe, in and out, seeing her chest rise and fall. Looking at the monitors, then back at her, I lean forward and bring my lips to her hand.

  “It’s time to wake up, baby.” I whisper, and press my lips to her hand again. “If you don’t wake up then you’ll miss Gillian. She’s beautiful just like her mama.”

  I watch her breathe, and there’s still no sign she’s going to wake up. Numb with brokenness and pain my heart is fighting for her life before my eyes, while my world is fighting to stay healthy. When did everything become unfair?

  “So, Gillian’s doing so well. She’s our miracle,” I smile. “But we need you,” I cry. “You promised you wouldn’t leave, so I need you to keep that promise. I can’t do this alone.”

  Telling her stories about Gillian and how healthy she is makes my heart beat faster. She’s missing all of these moments with our daughter and I’m so afraid she’ll never wake up and feel our daughter in her arms.

  “Please wake up. I need you. We need you.”

  The room is quiet, like always, and I lean back in the chair, still holding her hand, and watching her. My love for her is so strong. The doctors and nurses are keeping a smile on their face. They’re staying positive and lifting my spirits.

  Arms wrap around me and I hang my head low. Feeling her arms get tighte
r, and a kiss on top of my head, I let out a groan and close my eyes.

  “It’s going to be okay.” Her voice is bright, and what I need to hear. “She’s a fighter, Ty. Always has been. She’s fighting to see her daughter, and to spend forever with you.”

  I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder. “We’re here for you, man. No worries. Whatever you need let us know.”

  I nod in silence and feel the love in the room. I’m trying to keep my heart beating, strong enough for her and me, but honestly, I don’t know how I’m feeling. I’m not sure if everything will be okay. It’s hard to have faith when the world loves to shit on your life. Bayleigh and Gillian don’t deserve this. They are good people. Hell, my daughter hasn’t had a chance, and Bayleigh hasn’t had a chance to be a mom.

  I stay in the hospital room for the rest of the night before going down to see Gillian and read her a bed time story.

  Needing to go down to the chapel the next morning I get down on my knees and pray. I pray for my daughter, and wife. I pray that Ryan is working his magic in Heaven.

  “Dear God,” I whisper, holding back my tears. “Please don’t take my girls from me. Please let them live. I’ll do anything to keep them here,” I beg, and hope He’s hearing me.

  I want to believe in the power of prayer. Only when I close my eyes I hear her screaming and clenching her stomach. I see the blood on our bed, and my hands. The ambulance comes to get her, and the paramedics work so fast. I’m screaming for Bayleigh to fight, and when I see her eyes close something inside me breaks. I’m scared my prayers won’t be strong enough.

  “Please Ryan. Do whatever you can to keep them here.” I sit in the chapel for a few more minutes before going to see Gillian. Walking into the room I see a nurse look up and smile at me.

  “Hi Tyler,” she says. “Gillian’s doing so well. She’s a fighter, your little girl.”

  I smile back. “Thank you.” I stare at my daughter and wait for Brenda to leave before pulling the chair over to the incubator and pressing my lips on the glass. “Hi sweet girl.” My voice cracks and I shake my head to keep my voice strong. “Daddy’s here. Your mama’s still sleeping,” I pause and clear my throat. “We have to pray together and make sure she wakes up and comes back to us and I have to pray hard for both my girls.”