From This Day Forward

by Victoria Thompson

  “This isn’t the first time you’ve had this dream, then?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “I used to have it every night after... after it happened.” As if aware of his thoughts, she picked up a pillow and hugged it to her breasts.

  “After what happened?”

  Her eyes widened in astonishment. “You know! After your brother... after he forced me!”

  Adam blinked in surprise, but she didn’t seem to notice.

  “I was so scared then, all the time, day and night. I thought he’d come back. I thought he was going to kill me! I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep, not for days! And when I did sleep, I’d have these terrible dreams, always the same one, over and over. And sometimes I’d have it when I wasn’t even asleep. I’d be sweeping the floor or hoeing the garden, and all of a sudden I was back there and it was happening and I couldn’t make it stop!”

  She lowered her head and began to sob into the pillow while Adam simply stared in disbelief. It couldn’t be true, and yet he’d never in his life seen anyone more frightened.

  Was it possible? Could Eric really have done this to her?

  No sooner did he ask himself the question then he knew the answer. Of course, he could have. Since when had Eric ever hesitated to hurt someone, especially someone as defenseless as Lori McClintock?

  Adam could picture exactly how it had been. He’d wooed her and courted her, maybe even promising marriage, and when she’d been ready to succumb to his charms, expecting a gentle initiation into the rites of love, Eric would have ravaged her. How many times had he done the same thing to one of their slave girls? How many times had his overseer complained to Adam about Eric’s behavior? And how many times had no one even cared? If anything, that was the one way in which Eric resembled his father, except for the darkness of his hair and eyes. Like father, like son.

  But Eric had never harmed a white girl, at least not to Adam’s knowledge. Surely, he would have been too afraid of retribution by her family. Except Lori had no family to speak of, certainly no father or brother to defend her honor. No one of whom Eric would have been afraid.

  And how his brother would have enjoyed tricking her. Making her believe he really cared for her when all the time he’d been planning to abandon her the instant he had his way. She had been wronged far more than Adam had imagined.

  The sound of her weeping tore at his heart, and he wondered how many other nights she had lain here alone, sobbing out her misery.

  “It’s all right, Lori,” he said, surrendering to the almost overwhelming urge to touch her. Although he wanted to do far more, he settled for simply laying his hand on her head and stroking the softness of her raven curls. “No one is ever going to hurt you again.”

  Lori looked up in surprise, so surprised that a sob actually caught in her throat. Suddenly, she was uncomfortably aware that he was sitting on her bed, clad only in his trousers. His chest was bare and quite broad and liberally covered with the same golden hair that was on his head. He looked so big and so strong and so blatantly masculine—and she was so small and weak and helpless—that she should have beer terrified anew. Except he wasn’t doing anything to terrify her. In fact, he was promising to protect her. Or at least she thought he was.

  “What if he comes back?” she asked unsteadily.

  “Who?”

  “You know, your... your brother.”

  “He won’t. And even if he does, you don’t ever have to be afraid again. You’re my wife now.”

  But she wasn’t, not really. She drew a deep breath and hugged the pillow more tightly to her breast. “I want to be, Adam, but I’m still afraid.”

  “Of me?” he asked with a frown.

  “No, not you, not... exactly. I’m afraid because of what happened to me. I’m afraid of every man.”

  “It’s not just me, then? It’s not because of... of this?” he added, rubbing his thigh where the old wound still troubled him.

  “Oh, no!” she cried, appalled at the very thought. “I never even think about it unless you’re rubbing it and I’m wondering if it hurts you.”

  “Then I don’t disgust you?”

  “No! How could you even think that?”

  But apparently he had no trouble at all thinking that. Bessie had been more than right when she’d said he was ashamed about his leg.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  She wanted to tell him she was more than sure because she loved him too much for anything like that to ever matter. But of course she didn’t. “Yes, I’m sure. It’s nothing to do with you at all.”

  He nodded solemnly, as if he didn’t quite believe her but was going to pretend he did just the same. “It’s because you’re afraid, because of what Eric did. Not because you’re still in love with him?”

  Lori gaped at him. “No! I was never in love with him!” Because I was in love with you! she wanted to add, but she bit back the words, still unable to say them.

  When she saw the strange expression on his face, she thought perhaps she should have, and then the moment was lost.

  “Lori, I want to share your bed. I want to make love to you. Not tonight,” he added when she gasped in renewed alarm. “But soon, as soon as possible. So you must tell me what I have to do to help you get over your fears.”

  “I don’t know! I wish I did,” she protested.

  “Then let’s think about it. You’re afraid of being forced, aren’t you?” She nodded reluctantly. “Well, then, if I promise not to force you, if I promise not to do anything at all that you don’t want me to do, would that help?”

  “Yes!” she replied eagerly.

  “That won’t be enough, though, because that will just keep things between us from getting worse, but it won’t improve them, will it?”

  No, it wouldn’t, because she’d never get over her fears if she couldn’t learn to tolerate and eventually welcome a man’s touch again. “Maybe if...” She hesitated at the boldness of her suggestion. Surely, he would never be willing to agree.

  “What?” he insisted.

  She drew another deep breath and took a tighter grip on the pillow. “Maybe if I tell you what to do. When to kiss me and how and when to put your arms around me and... So it wouldn’t be a surprise. So I’d be ready.”

  To her surprise, he didn’t get angry. Instead he looked intrigued, almost amused. “And would you? Tell me when to kiss you, I mean? You wouldn’t be too shy? Or too embarrassed?”

  She would probably be mortified, but at least she wouldn’t be afraid. She was so very, very tired of being afraid. She lifted her chin determinedly. “I want to be a good wife to you, Adam.”

  He smiled for real at that, and suddenly, she was very aware of how close he was and that they were sitting on the very bed in which he had intended to claim his rights over her on their wedding night. She imagined she could feel the heat of his body, or at least she had begun to feel quite a bit warmer, for no apparent reason.

  “All right,” he said. “What would you like me to do right now?”

  Her first instinct was to tell him to leave, but almost as quickly as the thought formed, she realized she didn’t really want that, at least not yet. She’d been so frightened earlier when she’d been dreaming that Eric was back and taking her all over again. And no one had ever comforted her in the light when she’d awakened sweating and trembling and panting in terror. No one had comforted her at all except Sudie that first day in the yard. How she longed for someone to hold her and tell her everything was going to be just fine.

  But could she trust him? They were in their marriage bed. She was practically naked and so was he. If she let him touch her, he might not stop. He might go crazy the way Eric did and...

  “I give you my word as a gentleman, Lori,” he said, as if he’d read her thoughts. “I won’t do anything except what you allow. But we have to start somewhere.”

  He was right, they did. “Would you hold me?” she asked, feeling the tears starting again and holding them back wi
th only the greatest effort. “Put your arms around me and tell me everything will be all right.”

  Some strong emotion flickered across his face, but before she could name it, it was gone again. “Of course,” he said, and scooted closer and reached for her.

  She knew a second of panic as he loomed over her, but he was so very gentle when he took her in his arms that the panic died almost instantly, and she was able to relax against him. The pillow was still squashed between them, and after a moment he said, “May I?” and removed it. When he pulled her against him, the heat of his body seemed to envelop her in a cocoon of warmth.

  Her breasts felt so strange against his chest with only the thin layer of fabric between them. Not bad, just strange, and he felt so hot, like a fire burned inside of him. At first, she didn’t know what to do with her hands, but finally she found the courage to put her arms around him in turn and for the first time touched his naked flesh.

  For some reason she’d expected him to be rough to the touch—men were rougher than women, weren’t they?—but his skin was like heated satin beneath her palms. She was glad that her hands were no longer callused and red from working in the fields and doing housework. Sudie had given her a cream to soften them, so now they were as smooth as his back.

  Curious now, she ran her palms upward, testing the feel of his body, exploring the differences between a man and a woman.

  His breath caught, and she froze in alarm, but he whispered, “Don’t stop.”

  His voice sounded a little strained, as if her touch had excited him, and Lori experienced the first flush of feminine power she had ever known. She was exciting him and controlling him at the same time.

  He moved his hands, too, but very slowly, so he wouldn’t startle her. One of them began to stroke her hair while the other moved in lazy circles on her back. She felt her tension easing as the last, lingering terrors from her dream faded back into the deep shadows of the night, leaving just the two of them clinging to each other.

  Her chin rested against his bare shoulder, and after a while, he turned his head and pressed a kiss to her temple. The gesture was so sweet, she had to bite her lip to keep from crying.

  “You smell so good,” he said into her ear, his warm breath sending delicious shivers up her spine.

  “So do you,” she replied without thinking, then winced certain she’d made a fool of herself.

  But he chuckled. “Do I? How do I smell?”

  “How do I smell?” she countered, pulling away a bit so she could see his face in the flickering candlelight.

  “Like roses,” he replied, amusement glittering in his eyes.

  That was the rosewater Sudie used to rinse her hair.

  “Now how do I smell?” he repeated.

  She had no idea how to describe it. She only knew his scent reminded her of her father and how she’d felt when he was alive. “Safe,” she said.

  “Safe?” Plainly, he didn’t think that was a compliment.

  She shook her head. “That’s not the right word. Good and strong.”

  “I smell strong?” he teased. “I should’ve been more careful when I washed up tonight.”

  “That’s not what I mean,” she insisted, glad for the darkness that would hide her blush. “I mean you are strong, and you make me feel safe.”

  He reached up and brushed a lock of hair away from her cheek. “You’ll always be safe with me, Lori. I swear it.”

  Because the tears sprang so quickly to her eyes, she ducked her head against his chest so he wouldn’t see she was crying. She didn’t want to cry, not in Adam’s arms. She never wanted him to see her crying again.

  “Lori,” he said, his hand cradling the back of her head as she tried to stop the tears leaking from her eyes. “Everything is going to be just fine.”

  ***

  As he did every morning, Adam opened his eyes when the first rays of dawn brightened his bedroom. For a moment he was simply aware of a sense of well-being he hadn’t known in a long time. He needed another moment to recall exactly why this morning was so different from those of the past few weeks, and then he remembered last night.

  Last night when he had held Lori in his arms and felt her breasts against his chest and touched her back and her shoulders and her hair. And held her until she was asleep again, so trusting that she wasn’t afraid to be completely in his power. Frustrated desire had throbbed within him like a toothache, and he’d needed every ounce of his strength to leave her there in her bed alone and unmolested. But he had left her there because as much as he wanted her, he wanted her willing. He wanted her to need him as much as he needed her.

  Once he had planned to seduce her, thinking it would be easily accomplished because she was already acquainted with the pleasures of the flesh. Now he planned to seduce her because in doing so he would teach her the pleasures of the flesh and thereby bind her to him in a way she had never been bound to his brother. She would be his completely, body and soul.

  And he found he wanted her soul almost as much as he wanted her body.

  Adam rose and washed and dressed with more than his usual enthusiasm. Only when he was ready to leave his room did he realize what he, as a planter, should have noticed the instant he had opened his eyes this morning: the sun was shining!

  He hurried to the window and looked out, not quite able to trust his senses. It was true! The rain was finally over, and today they would be able to work the fields for the first time in over a week. The weeds would be terrible, gone wild from all the rain and choking the delicate seedlings, but his people would save his crop. They would work relentlessly.

  Invigorated anew, he made his way out into the hall and stopped as he looked at Lori’s door. Should he wake her? He didn’t want to miss a moment with her, and there was so much work to do, he probably wouldn’t be able to get back to the house again until after sundown tonight.

  Before he could decide, her door opened, and there she was, smiling and looking sweet enough to eat.

  “Good morning,” he said, knowing he must be grinning like a loon, but unable to stop himself.

  “Good morning yourself,” she replied. “The sun is out!”

  “It certainly is, which is why I was going to knock on your door and tell you that you must have breakfast with me, since I probably won’t be back again until suppertime.”

  “Why not?” she asked, coming toward him, her lovely face pinched with distress.

  “Because there’ll be too much work to do.” He offered her his arm. “So if you have any orders for me, you’d better give them now.”

  “Orders?” she echoed in confusion.

  Adam shook his head in mock dismay. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten our arrangement already? Or did I dream that I went to your room last night?”

  He loved the way the color stained her cheeks when she was embarrassed, but to his delight, she didn’t drop her gaze or pretend any maidenly modesty. “I was afraid maybe I’d dreamed it.”

  “Apparently not, unless we both had the same dream. So what are your wishes this morning, my dear?”

  She hesitated only a moment. “I think I would like a kiss.”

  “What kind of kiss?” he replied.

  She blinked in surprise. “What kinds are there?”

  God, he adored the way she was staring up at him, so sweet and innocent and gorgeous. “Well, now, let’s see.” He pretended to consider. “There’s the quick little ‘good morning’ peck, there’s the longer ‘I’m very happy to see you this morning’ kiss, and then there’s the ‘how could I have lived the entire night without you’ kiss. But I warn you, the third one involves a rather enthusiastic embrace.”

  He actually held his breath as he waited for her to decide, which seemed to take forever. Just when he thought his lungs might burst, she said, “Could we start with the first one and see how it goes?”

  He released his breath on a choking laugh that made her laugh, too, and before she could have a second thought, he bent down and touc
hed his lips to hers for the briefest of kisses. To his delight, she actually looked disappointed when he pulled away almost instantly.

  “Ready for the second kind?” he asked, still grinning foolishly.

  She nodded, and he wasted not a moment. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he covered her mouth with his for a long, lingering, but otherwise chaste kiss.

  His heart was pounding as he reluctantly pulled away, and he noticed that her breath seemed to be coming more quickly, too. Was she frightened or...?

  They stared at each other for what seemed an eternity, and finally she whispered, “Wasn’t there one more?”

  With a groan, he pulled her to him, claiming her lips with his open mouth and wrapping his arms around her so tightly he almost imagined he could feel her heart pounding against his. After a few of those heartbeats, she brought her own arms up and wrapped them around his waist. For a second he thought she had actually opened her lips to him, but he was destined never to know for certain.

  “Land sakes!”

  They both jumped guiltily apart to find Sudie staring at them in shocked surprise from the end of the hall.

  “I’s sorry, Massa,” she exclaimed, backing hastily away. “I didn’t... I was just comin’ to ... It stopped rainin’!”

  Adam swallowed his irritation. Sudie hadn’t intentionally interrupted them, after all.

  “We know,” Lori informed her, blushing prettily.

  “You two don’t have to... I mean, just keep on with what you was doin’. Don’t mind me.” She scurried away, but Adam knew the moment was lost. And he did have a lot of work waiting for him. Lori would be here when he got back, and when he did...

  “Shall we go to breakfast?” he asked, offering her is arm again.

  She slipped her hand through his crooked elbow and walked with him down the hall toward the family dining room. Her cheeks were still delightfully pink.

  “So, dear wife, which kind of kiss do you like best?” he inquired with a teasing grin.