by Kat T. Masen
Julian organizes dinner at a revolving restaurant on top of a tower. The elevator ride shot my nerves to shreds, my fear of heights flooding me with anxiety as I stare out the window with the city at my feet. Occasionally, Julian pokes fun at me, but when he sees me on the verge of tears, he surprises me with a ridiculously over-priced chocolate cake that tastes like heaven on earth. It’s orgasmic and can possibly be better than sex.
Well, you haven’t had sex with Julian, and your brain seems to think that ten of these cakes still can’t compare. My body starts to shiver as the nerves rear their ugly head again. Julian is quick to notice and covers me with his jacket. If only he knew the real reason behind it.
Since it’s my last night, I want to make the most of it. We pack in the most we can in the space of a few hours before my legs feel like jelly, and the exhaustion is beginning to take over. Our final stop is a park bench under the bridge. Sitting in silence, we watch the yachts and ferries sail by. A party boat with drunken loons sails past us, girls flashing their tits at Julian, much to my annoyance. I don’t blame them, he is hot. One guy flashes his dick, causing Julian to frown as he covers my eyes jokingly.
“You look tired.” Julian places his hands on my shoulders and rubs them, releasing the tension as he kneads gently.
“God, you give good massages,” I moan.
“I bet yours are good, too.”
“No, I’ve been told I pull a Monica in that area. You know, hard and tough.”
He chuckles softly. “I love Friends. Some people like it hard.”
I shake my head and let it fall, embarrassed by my comment. “I walked into that one, didn’t I? Elijah hated Friends, but he was polite enough to keep his mouth shut.”
“You don’t talk enough about Elijah.” His tone is serious and catches me off-guard.
“I assume you don’t like it… you know, since things have picked up a little between us.”
“Why? I can’t be jealous of someone who isn’t here. And besides, he was a great guy. Despite the situation with Lex, he still made the effort to talk to me.”
“He did, didn’t he?” I wonder out loud. “Can I ask you something?”
“Since when does Adriana Evans ask permission?”
“Okay, maybe not one thing. It’s about Charlie.” I bite my lip, waiting for his reaction.
With my back toward him, the silence falls between us as he pulls his hands away from my shoulders. I turn to face him, met with a disgruntled expression as he eyes stare blankly into the harbor.
“Adriana, why do you always have to dig up the past?” His tone is bitter, almost spitting out the words.
“Because I don’t feel like we’ve really talked about it enough.”
“Why do you need to know? Why can’t you let it go? God knows I’m trying my best.”
“Because this is hard. Every time we get closer, I think, how is this going to work?” I answer honestly.
“You don’t think I think that, too?”
“Well, I don’t know. You never really express your feelings. You do that annoying guy thing.” I raise my hands in frustration, annoyed at him for not wanting to talk, annoyed at myself more for causing this friction between us.
“Then ask me whatever the hell it is you need to know, then the subject is officially buried, okay?”
It’s my chance to ask the questions that have been bugging me, the questions which can ease my fears or increase my paranoia. Either way, I’m screwed. I know myself well enough to know I get worked up and jealous over the smallest of things.
“Did you know Charlie and Lex were an item behind your back?”
I watch him intently as he presses his lips together, continuing to stare into the harbor and refusing to make eye contact with me. His shoulders are tense, and the muscles in his arms are protruding from beneath his shirt as he grips onto the bench.
“Yes, I knew.”
“Why didn’t you confront her?”
“I did. She denied it.”
“And you bought it?” I almost laugh but am quick to hold back, not wanting to bruise his ego any further.
“Adriana, does it matter? It’s done.” The malice in his voice stuns me. I retreat by pulling my legs into my chest. He glances my way, and I see his face soften. “Of course, I didn’t buy it. She was always distracted. We stopped having sex, and she had an excuse for everything. It’s what started my coke addiction again.”
I feel lousy for asking the question, especially when I’m Charlie’s friend, practically cheering on her infidelity all because I wanted her with Lex. I wouldn’t have done anything differently, but I hate the fact that I played a part in hurting Julian.
“If it weren’t for my brother coming back into her life, you would still be with her, probably married and with babies.”
“What kind of a question is that?” he asks, annoyed. “It’s like me saying to you if Elijah didn’t die, you would still be with him.”
“I just—” I stumble on my words. “Never mind.”
“You can’t just say never mind, Miss Always-Has-Something-To-Say. Life happens. Charlie isn’t mine, and that boat has long sailed. The only person I want is the one person who keeps bringing that boat and my mistakes back.” He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. “Yes, I loved Charlie, and if it weren’t for your brother, we’d probably still be together, and yes, I’d have been happy. But I’ve moved on, Adriana. Charlie isn’t my life anymore. When you accept that, maybe then, just maybe, we might have a chance.”
He stands, walking away without a goodbye. My brain takes a moment to click and follows only when it realizes it’s fucked up once again. Why am I so jealous and insecure? Charlie was never like this. She was always so calm and collected. Maybe that’s why he loved her, and you, Adriana, are the exact opposite.
I hop onto my feet and follow him quickly. His stride is faster than normal, quick to get away from the mess I’m dragging him into.
“Julian. Wait!”
He proceeds to ignore me, and I increase my pace until I’m at his side, holding his arm and forcing him to stop.
“I hate that I can’t stop thinking that you think of her when you’re with me. I don’t know what it is,” I cry openly in thin, strained sobs.
His face softens. “I’m trying here, Adriana, but you’re making it awfully hard for me. You don’t think I think the same way about Elijah? That every time you push me away, I’m not good enough?”
I listen to his words. He’s right. I loved Elijah. He was my husband until death do us part. I have a son. Julian will always be reminded of the fact that he isn’t the first priority in my life. Now that I’ve taken a moment to think about his feelings, it’s unfair how I’m behaving. “I didn’t think about it that way.”
“Well, I do, Adriana.”
This is the thing about insecurities—it’s the ugliest trait a person can have. The problem is no amount of reasoning or voices in your head can ease them for you. Even when another person tries to reassure you, the words are lost and have no meaning. Sometimes it takes another person’s heartache for you to realize how stupid and insignificant your insecurities are. In this moment, Julian put it in perspective by allowing me to see a piece of him that’s hurting. It’s only now I realize he isn’t immune to feeling insecure just because he’s handsome and intelligent.
I grab his hand and lace my fingers into his, closing the gap between us. He doesn’t say a word as we stroll the block toward the hotel. Inside the lobby, I continue to walk to the elevator, pressing the button to my floor. When the door pings open, I pull out my card and swipe at my door. My heart is running a marathon, the thump hammering so hard, my airways start to constrict in panic. I need to show him how much I care for him, he deserves that.
And it’s my last night here. Now or never. Okay, maybe not never, but who knows when I’ll see him again.
With a soft click of the door behind us, there’s a glow from the city lights filtering in the room. I pla
ce the card into the socket and turn on one lamp. It lights the room enough that I can see him and not overly to the point where all body parts are under a spotlight. Oh God… he’s going to see me naked!
Guiding him to the bed, I motion for him to sit, straddling myself over him. I wrap my arms around his neck, giving myself some control over the situation.
“It scares me that I’ve never been with someone like you.” I’m frightened to say the words, pausing while I contemplate baring my soul. “I’ve only ever been with one man.”
He draws a deep breath as I study his lips, watching as he bites on the corner of his mouth. His index finger traces my cheekbone, gliding the tip as he moves toward my mouth. I feel my lips quiver, but with one touch, he eases my jitters as his thumbs sweep my bottom lip.
“I won’t hurt you, Adriana,” he whispers gently and without force. “This is hard for me, too. Sex became an addiction at times when I couldn’t get high. It’s been a long time since I was last intimate with a woman if we’re honest here.”
I’m somewhat relieved he feels nervous and isn’t pushing me like I expect many men would’ve done if locked away in a hotel room.
I let out a soft moan. “You have to be patient with me.”
He sticks to his promise, kissing me gently to relax my body. The slower he is, the more it excites me. Tracing the top of my dress, I feel the straps fall down my shoulder. His lips move toward the base of my neck, placing kisses one by one, causing my skin to erupt into small goosebumps.
“You’re so sexy,” he murmurs, teasing my heated skin with his tongue.
My hands are shaking as I unbutton his shirt, exposing his chest in all its fabulous ripped glory. He is so fucking beautiful, it hurts. I run my hands along his torso and watch as his eyes flutter. Lifting me gently, he moves me, so I’m underneath him. With his body pressed against mine, I feel the weight of his body, watching as he releases the weight by lifting himself slightly, causing his forearms to flex.
Fuck me now, he’s so hot. It’s like movie-star hot. Everything about his body is so perfect. I crushed on many actors throughout my lifetime, but they have nothing on Julian. Geez, Adriana, an intimate moment and your brain is picturing movie stars. What the fuck is wrong with you?
I’m suddenly brought back into the now, lost in a sea of kisses, his mouth trailing lower and lingering near my breasts. I absolutely hate my breasts, my biggest insecurity, but something he does, the way his eyes dance with delight as he exposes them allows me to let go of any inhibitions. His mouth is watering, and I wait in anticipation for his tongue to circle them. The second it hits, I arch my back and let out a loud moan, pulling his hair, wanting more.
He brings his lips back to mine, and before I have a chance to gulp for air, an unfamiliar object brushes past my entrance. I close my eyes as he gently toys with my sensitive spot and am very aware of what’s going to happen next. My body is clenching, and he carefully eases himself in. I let out a small whimper.
As I realize he is entering me, the panic sets in. My brain, unable to shut off, is frantically comparing his size, his technique, and that the feeling becomes too much. Unwillingly, the tears fall down my face, and my moans become sobs.
Within seconds, Julian is aware I’m upset and stops. Remaining inside me, he catches his breath.
“Adriana, you want me to stop?” he whispers.
“I don’t know,” I mumble through my sobs.
He lets go, and his body falls on top of mine. I’m suffocating underneath him, but I am too timid to let him know that I am uncomfortable.
Julian pulls himself out of me, his cock resting on my stomach as I see him wince in pain. The guilt is smothering me to the point I can’t breathe. Squirming around, I free my arms and pull my dress up to cover my chest, aware my insecurities and guilt have gotten the better of me. Again, it was bound to happen.
Slowly, he moves off me and is lying flat on his back, palms resting against his face. For some reason, when I look at him naked, he catches me, and I immediately turn away.
“I’m sorry, Julian. It was too much.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I give him a moment.
Fuck, I’m a bitch for making him stop halfway. What kind of girl does that? You—you idiot. But with valid reason, right? Right at this moment, I need my best friend to talk me through this. She will make me see some sense. Except, that would never happen because your best friend has screwed the guy as well. God, this is just getting worse and worse.
We lay there for a long time in the dark in an awkward silence not saying a word to each other. He is still, and his arousal has sunk faster than the Titanic. I’m still soaked, uncomfortable as the wetness between my thighs needs some attention.
“You feel like going for a walk?” he says in an arctic tone. “I could use the fresh air.”
“Sure. And I get it. Soldier needs to calm down,” I joke to hopefully lighten the mood. He lets out a relaxed laugh, and in that moment, I know everything is okay between us.
Both of us get dressed, and I take a moment to clean myself up in the bathroom before we head out. It’s late, just past midnight as we take a stroll in a park not too far away. The cool night’s breeze eases my anxiety, and the mosquitoes are feasting on my pale skin causing me to scratch like a crazed lunatic.
Julian grabs my hand and starts to talk about his next project. I listen intently, taking in every word. He loves his work so much and is passionate about helping others. As I watch him talking, my eyes move to his body. His light blue Lacoste polo shirt is slightly fitted across the chest and is showing off his muscular arms. He has a bronze tan from the Australian sun, but I love that he has no tattoos, and you can see how perfectly smooth his skin is. His hair is messy, sex messy, and a mousy brown color with a few strands which appear almost blond. As he continues to talk, his mouth does this licking thing I could watch for hours on end. I don’t think he realizes he does it, which makes it sexier. Everything about him screams sex, including the way his eyelashes curl as they cover his beautiful brown eyes. I want to run my tongue along every part of him, including his cock.
Okay, and here is the giant elephant in the room. How ironic. He’s bigger than what I’m accustomed to, and I hate that the thought crosses my mind. Surely, I’m not the only woman who has thought that when they sleep with someone new. I mean, vaginas aren’t different. They are pretty much all the same. Mind you, Rocky has told some horror stories about loose vaginas comparing them to a bucket of sand. I didn’t get the comparison, and Rocky had to, of course, spend the following hour giving Eric and me a visual demonstration on a whiteboard which was entertaining, though I’d never admit it to him.
Bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. It’s different. And I’m not used to different.
“You’re so fucking hot, do you know that?” I utter suddenly.
He pauses the conversation about Eastern Europe. “Um, okay, interesting topic change, but thank you?”
“No, I’m serious. You’re like insanely hot. I always thought that, even the first time I met you. I couldn’t stop staring at you, which at the time wasn’t acceptable since I was engaged, but seriously, you ooze sex appeal. I mean, I just want to… I don’t know what I want to do, but fuck, you’re so hot.”
I catch him smirking, shaking his head in amusement. “You know what I love about you? You just say what’s on your mind. You don’t bullshit. You, Adriana, are like no one I have ever met. And for the record…” he continues, “… just so you know, not at all helping the soldier here.”
Did he just say love? Quick, think of something! “Good, it’s better he is hard.”
His eyes dart to mine. The ambivalent expression is expected. After all, I just ended a very intimate moment by crying. With his free hand, he adjusts the noticeable bulge, squirming uncomfortably beside me.
I want him.
This time, I won’t stop. I need him, all of him, to be completely mine.
I don’t need to
search far. This desire that I know I have within me is finally staking its claim.
I am fearless.
I am bold.
I want him.
I am rampant, pulling his belt buckle toward me. Screw all this take-it-slow-be-gentle-with-me bullshit.
He can sense my urgency all the while trying to keep his distance and maintain his composure.
“I want you, Julian. Right here. Right now.” I bite my lip as the throbbing between my legs refuses to subside.
“Adriana, maybe we should take it slow. It was only an hour ago that—”
My hand clasps onto his hard bulge causing him to gasp unexpectedly and tighten my grip.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” he grunts.
The animalistic side of him takes over, exactly what I am craving, and he pushes me against the large oak tree. I’m numb to the loose bark and its rough edges as my back is grinding against the trunk. Amongst the scattered trees, no one is in sight, and the thought of fucking him here, outdoors, is seriously loosening my inhibitions.
Struggling to remain quiet, I bite into his shoulder as my ear grazes his lips.
“I know you’re soaking wet, I can smell it,” he groans.
I clench at his words, and my bite is robust, not worrying that I may have hurt him. He doesn’t seem to notice. His hands have made their way into my panties, his fingers caressing my swollen clit, followed by a slight pinch. My body reacts instantly, jerking forward as I beg him to slide them inside me.
“You want me,” he begs me to say the words.
“Yes.”
“Say it louder,” he commands.
I raise my voice. The birds that are contently resting in their nests have flown away, echoing through the night.
