by Kat T. Masen
“Mom, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, honey.” She places her tea carefully on the coffee table.
“When is too soon to start seeing someone else?”
She looks at me and smiles. “Are you seeing someone?”
“It’s just a question,” I mumble quietly.
“Baby girl, I know you better than anyone else. I can see you’re happy, Adriana. Someone is making you smile, and as much as you’ll hate me for saying this, you’ve also put on some weight. You look healthy and have a beautiful glow.”
“On my boobs?” I ask in hope.
“Yes, they do look fuller.” She laughs.
I laugh along with her, then let out a sigh, snuggling into her side.
“Honey, please don’t be afraid to talk to me.”
“I’m not, Mom, it’s just complicated.”
“It always is. Whoever is making you smile like this, please say thank you from me.”
“I will do that.” I smile. “Mom, can you promise me something?”
“What, honey?”
“Just promise me if you hear anything about this from anyone else, you hear me out first?”
She pulls me in closer and embraces me tightly. “I’m assuming your brother is the problem here.”
“Yes.”
“Adriana, Lex will always be protective over you. He and Elijah had a special bond. Just don’t forget to give him a break, too.”
“Mom, Lex won’t understand.”
“What makes you so sure of that?”
“One day we’ll revisit this conversation, and you’ll know why. It’s late now.” I stand and stretch my arms, ready to carry Andy into the car.
“I love you, honey, no matter what you choose in life.”
“I know, Mom, and I love you, too.”
I find Andy fast asleep on my parents’ bed. He is curled up into a ball hugging his koala bear I got him from Australia. I watch him for a few moments, his eyes fluttering every so often, his tiny breaths making small sounds. He is muttering something very softly about white feathers and angels. OMG, is this a sign? I lean forward to carry him into my arms, and the moment I have my grip on him, he silences. I move my face toward his and inhale his scent—my baby.
I never would’ve dreamed or even asked for this life, but Andy makes every second worth living. I can’t imagine my life without him, he is truly a blessing from above, and I have no regrets of persuading Elijah to do IVF when he tried to convince me it wasn’t the right time.
I say goodbye to my mom and head home with a sleepy Andy talking to himself in the back seat.
***
It’s very late, and I can’t fall asleep. Tonight was overwhelming, and as much as I said I don’t believe all that fortune-telling shit, it got to me more than I thought it would. I grab my cell and decide to text Julian. I’m not sure if I’ll get a response, but I do ten minutes later.
Julian: Why are you awake? I was just about to hop into the shower.
Curiosity gets the better of me. It’s late, has he been out? He didn’t say anything to me when we spoke earlier. It occurs to me that he rarely tells me what he’s doing unless, of course, I ask. We live separate lives, and the only thing we do together is have sex. Perhaps that’s my fault, the desire possessing me in a way that is new territory for me. He’s equally as demanding, unable to resist touching me whenever we’re within arms’ reach of each other.
Can it be that it’s just sex for him?
I’m a plaything to occupy his time while he recovers?
I send him a quick text.
Me: Why are you about to hop into the shower? It’s 3am.
There’s no bubble, and I wait impatiently. If possible, I’m even more alert than before. My mind is conjuring up all these possibilities including the fact that maybe Julian isn’t alone.
Julian: I just came back from a friend’s book launch in Malibu. Great party.
The animosity starts to build, my words blurting out onto the screen before I even re-read them.
Me: Party? As in girls?
I throw my cell to the side momentarily to calm myself down. Crossing my arms, I stare at the wall like it’s my enemy. The curiosity of his response gets the better of me.
Julian: Yes there were girls there. There are girls everywhere, Adriana.
I don’t respond, and I’m pissed he went to a party where, no doubt, girls will have thrown themselves at him. The vibration of my cell startles me, and I see his name along with the words FaceTime appearing on my screen. Great, I have to actually see him meaning I can’t show how annoyed I am.
“Hi.” I plaster a fake smile on my face.
“So, walk me through this, Adriana, because I do not understand what I’ve done wrong…”
I sigh. Do I tell him the truth? “I don’t like it when you’re with other girls.”
He screws up his mouth and runs his hands through his hair. “There’s always going to be other women around, just like there is always going to be other men around you.”
“Yes, but I’m not super-hot like you.”
“You don’t think so?” He laughs. “Do you remember at my book launch when I came over, and you were chatting with Barry?”
“Yes…”
“The three male bartenders were gawking at you. I actually had a word with them.”
“What? Wait… you did that?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I was dressed up. I don’t always look like that,” I try to downplay.
“Do you remember when we were getting surf lessons at Bondi Beach? The instructor asked me for your number in case you were free.”
“Oh, well, I was in a bikini. Go figure.”
“No, Adriana, you’re stunning. Everywhere we went, men would turn their heads to look at you. You may not realize it, but I sure as hell do.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” He grins, shaking his head slightly. “You are gorgeous. I can’t stop men from looking at you as long as they know who you belong to.”
“Well, how would they know if we can’t be seen in public together?”
“Again, Adriana, you’re calling the shots on this one, and I’ve told you numerous times, it’ll come out eventually.”
The decision to come out as a couple is too overwhelming. I don’t know why, but I’m kind of hoping things will just work themselves out. There’s a better chance of Eric turning straight than that happening.
“Were you really getting into the shower?”
A smile spreads across his face. “Yes. You don’t believe me?”
“No, prove it.”
His cell moves, and the screen has moved down his torso like a slow-motion video, and I’m fixated on his sculpted abs. What a fucking tease. I wait in anticipation for the main feature, licking my lips as the screen shows me the top of his pubic bone.
He quickly brings it up to his face. “You believe me now?”
“No, you just had your shirt off. Big deal,” I brush it off, pushing him to show me the rest.
“Well, then, I better prove you wrong.”
This time I watch with my hand rested on my thigh. He doesn’t waste time, moving the cell smack bam in perfect view of his beautiful dick as it stands hard, practically throbbing and calling out to me.
I almost drop my phone in shock.
“Cat got your tongue?” He laughs.
“Uh, more like cock got my tongue. That’s unfair. You’re parading around like that, and I’m not there.” I sulk.
“Might have to take care of it myself, then.”
“You’re mean! Well, fine, maybe I’ll need to take care of myself, too,” I say, playing along with his game.
He walks over to the bed and positions his cell in front of him. His naked body is sprawled across the bed with his legs wide open. The moisture between my legs warns me I won’t have to self-help myself for very long, the ache already starting to build between my thighs, traveling a
nd branching out to every part of my body.
With his eyes closed, he strokes himself slowly, releasing soft moans as his pace increases.
Holy shit, this is unbelievably erotic.
And with that said, I position my cell exactly like his and show him that two can play at this game.
I don’t know what it is about Julian. His raw sexual appetite pushes me beyond my sexual means. This situation right now is out of my comfort zone, yet, with him, my body screams for attention, and awkward and timid Adriana has officially flown the coop.
The drive up to Hazel’s house is calming.
Andy fell asleep as soon as I turned the corner of our driveway. My mind is desperate for solitude. It’s difficult being a single mother with an energetic two-year-old boy, and on top of that, I’m involved in a secret relationship, one that resulted in middle-of-the-night pleasuring sessions via FaceTime.
Even after last night’s events, I don’t feel any closer to making a decision. Several times, I’ve caught myself listening out for Elijah expecting him to speak to me just like the clairvoyant said. It isn’t that simple, I guess, but unfortunately, the seed of guilt is growing, and it’s taking me along with it.
I’m nervous having Andy and Julian together. It isn’t the first time they’ve met, and Andy has talked a few times about Julian being Blaze’s daddy. Of course, I bring Ash with us, happily lying in the back seat with Andy, head resting on his paws with his eyes closed.
We pull up to the house, and I take a few deep breaths. I give myself a moment before exiting the car, allowing Ash to run free. He is wagging his tail, happy to see his mother. I nudge Andy gently and whisper his name. He stirs slightly, then opens his eyes. He is dazed and confused but slowly works out that we’re at Hazel’s. I pick him up and carry him, walking along the pebbled path to the back of the house. As I turn the corner, the familiarity of all the old faces comforts me, and my fears subside.
Hazel is the first to greet me, immediately taking Andy into her arms. I wipe the hair away from his forehead and kiss him gently. She rocks him back and forth singing his favorite song as he sticks his thumb into his mouth sucking on it for comfort.
“Honey child, look at you. Damn!”
The clicks of the over-the-top platforms move toward us, and Penny is holding my arms out, inspecting my outfit with a nodding approval. “Girl, if I had a body like yours, I’d tell my man to watch out.” She raises her eyebrow at Julian and then swats her hand at him in a friendly gesture.
My eyes are drawn to him as he stands against the wall, dressed in a denim button-down shirt folded midway up his arms, showing off his glorious forearms. His light tan dress shorts complement his shirt, and lastly, my eyes scroll down to his footwear, Chucks. Dear God, he’s a walking runway model. I quickly move my eyes back up to his face, his perfect grin and dancing eyes are watching me in amusement. It may have been my deprived body, but I swear he licks his lips to tease me, biting his bottom lip as I continue to be rendered speechless.
He knows he has my attention—my knees threaten to buckle under his gaze.
“He is very aware of how hot and sexy his girlfriend is, and that she doesn’t realize that men actually turn around to look at her.”
A shy grin escapes me, my cheeks flushing at the sentiment. Did he just say girlfriend?
Penny is fanning herself in her usual flamboyant way. “Mmm… damn! Why can’t a man say that about me?”
Hazel offers to take Andy inside for some milk, allowing us to have some private time. As soon as they enter the house, my body moves toward Julian. He places his hands on my cheekbones, kissing me deeply. Even with Penny watching, I find myself melting into him, my hands trying ridiculously hard to behave themselves.
“I miss you,” he says with his lips brushing against mine.
“You mean you miss your girlfriend?”
He steps back with his palm cupped into my cheek. “I hate that word, but socially, yes, you are.”
“Like OMG,” I brag. “I got myself a boyfriend.”
Penny is laughing until she realizes her wig has shifted, and in a blind panic, she is busily arranging it so it’s back into position. This sight alone causes us to erupt into laughter. I rest my hand on Julian’s chest trying to compose myself and also as an excuse to touch him again.
It’s refreshing to be open with our friends. Penny has known we’re seeing each other for a while. She isn’t one to judge, and knowing our history, she embraces our relationship with open arms. Julian and Penny are great friends, and unlike others, she understands him and got to know the real Julian much like I did. He never treats Penny any less than she deserves. They resumed bingo night with Eric in tow, and Julian always speaks highly of their friendship. On a few occasions, he mentions writing a few pieces for an LGBTQ website, a topic he is extremely passionate about.
Hazel is also happy to see us together, giving much-needed advice to both of us on several occasions. Having lost her husband, I rely on her wisdom to help me overcome the guilt of being with Julian. I have to admit she is biased—Julian is like a son to her. She admits that having him around gives her peace—he has so many qualities like her son, and because of that, she has grown to love him like her own. How can you not love him? He is perfect.
“You understand we can’t be so open with Andy, right?” I quickly remind him.
“Of course. We talked about this. One step at a time. I can keep my hands off you.”
“Wait, you know how to do that?” Shocked, I withhold a smile and put on my poker face.
“You got me there.” He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling my body in flush with his. “Two minutes, down by that bush, it’s all I need.”
I swat his arm. “Two minutes now? It’s getting shorter and shorter.”
“Like you can talk. One minute and fifteen seconds,” he teases.
“You time me?”
He appears to be amused as the corner of his lips rise, flashing his beautiful teeth.
“Oh, that’s nothing, honey. Once, I only looked at a guy’s schlong, and I jizzed right on the spot,” Penny admits.
“Wow!” I exclaim. “How big was it?”
“Okay, ladies. I’m going inside to fetch Andy. This conversation is all yours.” Julian has left us, happy to walk away and avoid Penny’s wild stories. They make Eric look like an amateur.
Penny and I sit on the wicker chairs as we both stare into the valley. It’s a beautiful day, only a few scattered clouds in the sky. Hazel’s house is located a fair distance away from the city, enough that the hazy smog has disappeared, and only beautiful nature surrounds you.
“There’s something about this place that calms me, you know? I don’t know what it is, but just when I think my life isn’t worth living, this place reminds me how fortunate I am,” Penny says wistfully.
I sigh dreamily. “Maybe it is not the place, it’s the people.”
She nods. “Honey child, you wanna talk about it?”
Penny is easy to talk to, non-judgmental and wise. She has led a rough life, one that has beaten her down in unthinkable ways, but if you know her, you’ll know she is made of steel.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m living a double life. Actually, a triple life. Being a single mother is a lot. I mean, I’m so lucky to have my family and friends who help me out so much.”
“Anytime you need us, we’re here.”
“I know.” I pat Penny’s arm. “And then there’s Lex and Charlie. I love my brother. He has always had my back, sacrificed so much for me. And this is how I’m repaying him?”
“You can’t always control who you love. God knows I can’t.”
“I feel guilty all the time, and the only time it subsides is when I’m intimate with Julian, and my body is possessed.”
“Have you told him this?”
I shake my head. “It will come across all wrong. I can’t think straight when I’m with him. He does things to me, Penny, things I’ve never experienced befo
re, and it scares me.”
“But in a good way?” she asks.
“In a great way.”
“So, don’t fight it. You’ve got a man who makes your toes curl to the point you can’t function without him. God only knows you deserve someone like him.”
“But I feel so guilty that… oh, never mind.” I can’t even be honest with myself, let alone with Penny.
Andy comes barreling out of the house pulling Julian along with him. Tugging on my arm, he begs for my attention. “Mama! Blaze’s daddy wants to go visit the pond. Please, can we go?”
“Julian can take you, and I’ll meet you down there.”
Julian happily agrees and follows Andy. I watch them walk away, Julian holding Andy’s hand as they make their way down the hill toward the small pond. Blaze and Ash are excited to be in each other’s company, chasing their tails in endless circles.
Penny poses a question. “What do you want, girl? You want a father for Andy?”
“He has one, Penny. He just isn’t here. I want Julian.”
“So, have him. He adores you. You gotta see that.”
“But look at him. He can have any woman he wants, why me?”
“So, let me get this straight. A beautiful man worships the ground you walk on, fucks you to oblivion, and you have to question why. Have you looked in the mirror lately?”
“It’s hard to feel secure when the one man you loved gave up on you,” I mumble.
We remain quiet, Penny fiddling with her hoop earrings as we both watch them down by the pond.
“He cares deeply for you. I mean, every time he talks about you—”
“Julian talks about me?”
“All the time,” she reaffirms.
“What does he say?”
“Just this and that.”
“Hey, what about girl code? C’mon, tell me.” I try to persuade the information out of her.
“I promised I wouldn’t tell, but let’s just say you complete him.” She smiles.
