“Thank you!” they said in unison as Tammy hugged her friend. Joshua hugged Michelle and then excused himself to talk with a few of his friends while Tammy and Michelle chatted.
“I’m so happy for you. How are you doing these days? I know you’ve had your hands full lately with work, caring for Josh, and planning this shindig, which is awesome by the way,” Michelle complimented, popping a half-bitten strawberry into her mouth.
“I’m great,” Tammy sang and smiled. After praying and deciding to compromise on the finance issue, she felt an unspeakable amount of peace. But there was still the baby issue.
They walked arm in arm across the room, chatting in between Tammy stopping and speaking to her guests and posing for more photos. Michelle then mentioned that she had noticed Raegan seemed distant and brushed off her concern when Michelle brought it up to her. Michelle wondered if Tammy had noticed it too.
Michelle was pretty excited when she saw Raegan and embraced her warmly, but in return, Raegan gave her a half-hearted, one-arm hug and pasted smile. Michelle knew something was bothering her but Raegan dismissed Michelle’s questions as if she was imagining it.
“Hey, I think I just heard my name.” Raegan walked up to Tammy and Michelle and smiled. She hugged them for a second time that night, this time with more feeling. She knew them well enough to know that they probably suspected something was wrong with her, even though she’d been trying hard to hide her funky mood. She was still waiting on her husband to tell her about Nicholas.
“Hey you! How is married life treating you?” Tammy asked, trying to feel her out to see if the issue Michelle mentioned involved her new husband.
“Everything is fine,” she lied, glancing over to Caleb and giving him a sly smile. She waved him over to say hello to her friends. He joined the ladies, exchanged pleasantries and returned to Joshua and the other guys.
Tammy watched them closely. She knew it wasn’t her business, but something obviously was going on between them. Raegan was generally a private person and she knew that she would tell them when she was ready, so she didn’t probe too much.
“So how are things with Caleb’s transition here?” Tammy asked, eyeing Raegan carefully.
“Oh, things are good. He likes the new position and seems to be enjoying Houston quite well. But, he seems to have a few things in Atlanta to keep him going back, and it doesn’t seem like that will end any time soon,” Raegan complained a little.
Tammy didn’t miss the tone in which Raegan spoke and figured that must be the sore spot. However, she left it alone and switched the subject to something less tense.
As Caleb returned to the guys, he couldn’t help but feel like Raegan knew everything. That can’t be true, he thought. There was no way she could have known. Not that he was being sneaky, but he had been sure to cover his tracks.
∞
Caleb took a break from the reception to pray. He went to his car and had a good old-fashioned talk with the Lord.
“Heavenly Father, you know the situation that I’m in. You know my heart, and my intention was never to deceive my wife. I pray that You help her to see the same. So, I come seeking You and asking that You provide the right time and opportunity for me to share the news about Nicholas with her. I ask that You give her a welcoming and understanding heart so that we may work through this together. I appreciate You bringing her back into my life and I can’t lose her now. I believe that You’re going to bless us with a long, happy and fulfilling marriage. I want to be the husband that Your Word says I should be, loving my wife as myself. And I believe by faith that our dependence on Your love for us and our love for one another will see us through.”
Caleb continued, “Your Word does say that love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. So I thank You for Your Word, Lord, and ask that You show me favor in this. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Caleb lifted his head in enough time to see Raegan walking toward the car. He couldn’t help but think that Raegan knew about Nicholas, because she had been distant ever since he returned from Atlanta. It was as if she was waiting on him to confess, providing an opportunity at every turn, but perhaps that was the guilt making him feel that way. Regardless of that, he was going to tell her before going to bed tonight. He vowed not to allow another day pass before he told her the truth. He loved her too much to keep it from her; he just prayed that she loved him enough to understand.
“Hey,” she said, tapping the window. When he rolled it down, she continued, “I’ve been looking for you. Is this where you’ve been all this time?”
“Yes, I didn’t think I’d be gone for too long; I just needed to step away and clear my head for a minute.”
“Is it clear now?” she asked, wondering if he was about to tell her the truth.
“Something like that.” He stepped out of the car and fidgeted with his keys for a moment. “Are you ready to leave, or would you like to stay a while longer?”
“I think I’ve had enough socializing for tonight. We can leave as soon as you’re ready.”
Raegan and Caleb returned to the party to say goodnight to their friends and extend their well wishes. When Raegan hugged Tammy one final time, Tammy whispered into her ear, “Whatever it is, it will be just fine. I know it will. If nothing else, God has your back and so do your friends,” Tammy said, winking as she pulled out of her embrace.
Raegan looked confused for a moment but thanked Tammy and hugged Joshua before leaving. She and Caleb walked back to the car, hand in hand, in silence. She wondered what he was doing in the car before she showed up. Was he on the phone with the woman she heard him speaking with? Was he talking to this son he had not mentioned to her? The entire situation was starting to bother her; it just didn’t sit well. And the longer Caleb waited to talk to her about it, the more she felt like he was trying to hide something from her. This was important. Why would he keep something like this a secret? How long has he known?
Caleb opened the passenger door and helped her into the car. Once she was safely inside, he closed the door and went around to the driver’s side. Please Lord, I need You, he prayed silently.
The ride home was mostly silent. Raegan was waiting for him to speak and he was trying to find the right words so that she would know that he never intended to hurt or deceive her. When they arrived home, they changed into more comfortable clothing. Raegan wore a pair of sweats while Caleb wore a pair of faded blue jeans and a white T-shirt.
“Cami, sweetheart, we need to talk,” he began, taking both of her hands into his as they sat on the sofa.
“Yeah, I think it’s about time we do . . .”
CHAPTER 30
Caleb sat for a moment, looking into Raegan’s eyes and trying to read her mood. She’d been silent for the past few days, even tonight at Tammy and Joshua’s party. It was as if something had changed when he returned from his trip.
“I’ve always loved you and nothing will ever change that.” Caleb massaged her hands as he spoke. Raegan remained still and silent. “Cami, getting a second chance with you has been the best thing that’s happened to me in a really long time. I hope you know that.” She still remained expressionless, waiting for him to tell her the whole truth. Seeing as though she wasn’t giving him any reassurance, he took a deep breath and continued.
He told her about Natalie and his relationship with her before choosing to become celibate. He and Natalie were engaged in a sexual relationship for about a year when he decided that he no longer wanted to be involved with her. She didn’t desire to be a woman who loved, submitted to, or respected a man in the way that God’s Word demonstrates. In fact, she didn’t want to do anything more than attend church on Sundays. She wasn’t looking to change or to live a life pleasing to God
. And for him, that was a deal breaker. He didn’t want to marry anyone like her. In fact, his heart still belonged to Raegan.
At that point, Raegan pulled her hands away from his, folded her legs Indian style, got comfortable and waited for him to tell her what she needed to hear. She still said nothing. At that point, he was certain she knew; he just wasn’t sure how.
“Fast forward nearly two years later after she and I called it quits; she showed up at my house in Atlanta when I returned for the closing. She stood in my doorway holding a little boy who looked just like I did as a child.”
“That was before our wedding, Caleb. You didn’t think it was important enough to tell me before we said ‘I do’?” Raegan jumped off the couch and folded her arms across her chest. She was noticeably breathing heavier and her eyes were beginning to water from the hurt and betrayal she’d been feeling.
“I didn’t want to lose you again,” he continued. He rubbed the back of his neck as if it pained him to say that. She’d left him before and he didn’t want that to happen again. He would much rather risk her being upset with him now than to have told her sooner only to watch her disappear for the next ten years.
“How do you know what would have happened? You never even gave me a chance to listen, to understand, to be with you in all of this. Instead, you lied to me about why you needed to go to Atlanta. You claimed you were going for work, but now I’m sure it was to see this child. What’s his name? Nicholas?”
“How do you know that?” His head popped up as he sat up straight and stared at her. Raegan paced and ranted about her feelings, explaining everything she knew and how she knew it.
“You must have butt dialed me when you met with Natalie the last time you were there. I heard everything. I just wondered how long it would take you to tell me. And you know what? It took you way too long. So tell me, what do you expect from me?” Raegan paused for a moment and stood in front of him, arms folded, grimacing.
“To continue loving me and to help me sort through this.”
“Sort through what? The paternity test revealed he’s your son, right? What is it you need to sort through? Sounds like you have it all figured out to me. I suppose you now want me to fly to Atlanta with you to meet your old girlfriend so that she can give you her blessing to have your son around me? Me? Your wife?” Raegan seethed.
Caleb moved to where she was to stop her pacing and to get her to look him in the eyes. He needed her to know that he wasn’t trying to hurt her. That was never his intention.
“Babe, look at me. I didn’t want to hurt you. First, I needed to know that she was telling me the truth about Nicholas. That is why I kept it from you in the beginning. Then, when I found out the truth, I needed to find a way to tell you. I thought I was doing what was best for you and me. I love you, Cami. Can’t you see that?”
“I thought I did, but apparently you don’t love me enough to trust me with something as important as this. So what is your plan now?”
“To make sure that you and I are good. Are we?”
“I don’t know. It’s clear what you think of me. Although we said we would let the past go, you haven’t. You still think I’m that naive twenty-year-old who left you without saying a word. Did you honestly think I would do that to you if you told me the truth before the wedding?” Raegan asked. She knew that she had hurt him before, but it pained her to think that he really hadn’t gotten over that and was still holding it against her. She may not have gotten all the facts when she left him before, but she felt like she had more than enough information this time around to warrant her leaving if she chose to do so. Where is the trust? she wondered.
However, part of her knew that he was right. She probably would have called off the wedding and told him to go sort through everything with Natalie and Nicholas before he could marry her. But they would never know, because he chose not to let her in. That hurt.
“I didn’t say that. I just needed to make sure that I had all of the facts and that you would understand when I told you everything. Please say you understand my choices. I promise that I was only thinking about us and our future,” Caleb pleaded.
“I can’t say that. I think I’m going to need some time to think about all of this. I’m going to bed,” she said without another word to him. She trudged upstairs to pray, but instead found herself wanting time away to think. She had to get out of there, and luckily for her, she never completely unpacked all of her things when she moved in after the wedding.
Raegan wondered aloud as she tossed a few more items into a suitcase. What gave him the right to make the decision for her? He allowed this to go on way too long, leaving her with plenty of time to draw her own conclusions. And in her mind, it was all his fault for allowing this whole situation to fester. He should have told her he had a son as soon as he found out, she told herself the moment she overheard the conversation. She zipped the suitcase and lugged it down the stairs. She stood at the base and stared at him, her hand on the handle of the rolling leather bag. Caleb turned around to see her packed and ready to bolt—just like he thought she would. Apparently God didn’t answer my prayers, he thought to himself as his eyes pleaded with her. He knew he would just be repeating himself, but he gave it another shot anyway.
“Cami, where are you going? I think we both know you need to be right here with me working this out. Now is not the time for you to leave.” He walked over to her and placed his hand on the handle of the suitcase.
“Did you think of that, too, when you were keeping your little secret? Is that the way you’re going to handle everything in our marriage?”
“Is this the way you’re going to handle everything? Run every time I don’t do things the way you think I should?” he retorted, rattling the handle on her suitcase.
“It doesn’t feel good, does it?” she said over her shoulder as she walked out of the door, leaving him standing at the base of the stairs.
CHAPTER 31
Tammy felt a twinge of guilt resurfacing as she lay spooning in bed with her husband. He was overjoyed at the thought that she would soon be carrying his first child. I’m definitely being selfish now, she thought. Everything that Joshua said to her during their argument about needing her pushed to the forefront of her thoughts. His emotions were raw when he said that to her and she vowed to always be there when he needed her from that point forward. She’d renewed her vows only to not fully give herself to him as she promised.
Her thoughts woke her up early that morning as she rationalized that taking birth control pills was the right thing to do for now. She snuggled closer to him as she thought about how she had missed out on waking up next to him every morning for more than ten years.
Joshua stirred, pulled her closer and kissed her shoulders.
“Good morning,” he whispered, kissing her ear. “What do you want for breakfast?”
“You,” she answered, rolled over and greeted him with a kiss. As they lay in bed, bodies intertwined, gazing into each other’s eyes, Tammy’s heart warmed at the joy in Joshua’s eyes. He seemed so happy and peaceful.
Since they were starting fresh, she had to come clean. She couldn’t lie in bed with him every night, giving him hope that they would soon have a child when she was doing everything in her power to prevent that from happening.
Tammy slid out of bed to shower while Joshua went into the kitchen to make pancakes, eggs and sausages. When Tammy finished her shower, she walked into the kitchen and stood in the doorway, watching Joshua, who had his back to her as he worked his way around the kitchen. She took a deep breath and walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist.
“Babe, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What’s that?” He continued to cook with his back to her.
“I’m on the pill.”
Joshua’s body stiffened at the admission. He turned off the burners, peeled her fingers from his waist and turned around to look at her. “What do you mean?”
Tammy hunched her
shoulders and walked away, sorting through her thoughts so that her explanation would sound as plausible to him as it did to her. She pulled out a leather seat from the marble breakfast table and sat down, wiping at an imaginary stain on the table.
“I’m scared. Scared of what may happen to you, the baby and my career. Too many uncertainties and what-ifs.”
Joshua folded his arms across his chest and walked over to the table. He wanted to be angry with her for lying to him, but before reacting, he took a moment and put himself in her shoes. He understood how she could be worried with his health condition and the potential for their children to have it as well, but that was no reason to lie to him. He squatted in front of her and took her hands in his.
“Sweetheart, I understand but I’m pissed that you’ve been lying to me. Nothing in life is certain. Don’t you know that?”
Tammy nodded. He was taking it a lot better than she thought he would. She said a silent prayer of thanks to God for giving Joshua a heart of gold and that she was a part of his treasure.
“We can’t put our lives on hold because of fear. We gather all the information available to us, make the best choices we can and move forward. We have to put our faith in God and not live with the spirit of fear. We know that God is in control and He will see us through every circumstance.”
Tammy nodded and Joshua continued, “We can always talk to the doctor about children, if that will make you feel better. And don’t worry much about me, I’ve made a full recovery and I don’t plan to check out anytime soon.” He rubbed Tammy’s chin and placed a lingering kiss on her lips.
Joshua pulled up a stool and sat in front of her as she expressed her concerns about their children having the heart condition. She didn’t want to live with him not being around to help her raise their children nor have children who would suffer from the cardiomyopathy or any other heart condition.
Through Thick & Thin Page 13
