Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Now you know: The little hole in the sink that prevents overflow is called the porcelator.

  HEY! I’M BEING

  ATTACKED WITH…

  Okay, drop the pork chop and come out with your hands up.

  …A FISH. In 2005 a woman in Saginaw, Michigan, was charged with assault after she attacked her boyfriend with a mounted swordfish. She had pulled it off the wall during an argument and stabbed him with the fish’s long, sharp bill. He was treated at the scene; she was arrested.

  …A CHIHUAHUA. In June 2006, a woman in St. Peters, Missouri, bought a Chihuahua puppy from a dog breeder. When the animal died a short time later, the woman went to the breeder’s house, walked in, and, according to news reports, “hit the breeder over the head numerous times with the dead puppy.” Then, as she fled in her car, she waved the dead Chihuahua out of the sunroof while yelling threats and obscenities at the breeder.

  …A POOPER-SCOOPER. In 2006 Leisa Reed, 47, walked into a Waukesha, Wisconsin, home in the middle of the night, wildly swinging a pooper-scooper. The home owners, John and Linda Dormer, tried to tell Reed she was in the wrong house, but Reed wasn’t listening. John Dormer was hit in the face with the pooperscooper and then fought for his life as the crazed woman came at him with two pairs of scissors. Police finally arrived and, although Reed was only 5'2" and weighed a mere 105 pounds, it took five officers, three stun gun shots, leg straps, and a large bag to finally subdue her. The fact that she was high on crack cocaine made her seemingly superhuman, police said. (She got two years in prison.)

  …A PORK CHOP. A 45-year-old Australian man in Roma, Queensland, was helping his son move out of an apartment he had been evicted from when an argument broke out over a refrigerator. The fridge apparently belonged to one family, and the meat inside it to another. During the melee that followed, a woman grabbed a frozen pork chop and hit the father in the head. He was taken to the hospital to get stitches. The Australian Broadcast Company reported that the woman was charged with “assault with a pork chop,” adding that the “the weapon has been removed from the scene…and probably eaten.”

  Montpelier, Vermont, is the smallest state capital in the United States. Population: 9,000.

  …A PROSTHETIC LEG. A teenager with a prosthetic leg in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, was attacked by two other teens in September 2006. The two boys pulled 17-year-old Michael Williams out of his car, pulled off his prosthetic leg, and beat him with it. Alexander Harris, 17, and an unnamed 16-year-old were charged with felony assault. Williams thinks the two probably attacked him simply because he was disabled. “What motivates someone to do that, I have no idea,” he said.

  …A FISH (AGAIN). Alan Bennie was walking through a park in Grangemouth, Scotland, when 22-year-old David Evans approached him, holding a fish. According to prosecutor Neil MacGregor, Evans then asked Bennie, “Do you want to kiss my fish?” MacGregor continued, “Mr. Bennie made no reply, at which point the accused said: ‘You answer me next time I ask you to kiss a fish,’ and slapped him round the face with it.” Evans pleaded guilty to “assault with a fish” and was sentenced to six months in prison.

  …A TOILET. In February 2006, a father and son were in their home in Chamberlain, Texas, watching the Super Bowl when they heard a noise outside. Looking down the street, they saw a man and woman in a heated argument that looked like it might turn violent, so they rushed over to intervene. The man pulled out a knife and was able to wound both the father and son. Luckily, a discarded toilet was lying nearby, so the father grabbed a piece of the bowl and clobbered the man, who was taken to the hospital… for head injuries. Then he was throne in jail, the loo-ser. (He’s in the can now.)

  * * *

  LINE CALL

  While bending over to make calls at the 2006 Wimbledon tennis tournament, line judges split 60 pairs of pants.

  Saturn’s rings are made of chunks of ice, ranging from dust- to house-sized.

  LOST TV PILOTS

  If you thought Gilligan’s Island or Alf were goofy ideas for TV shows (which they were), you should see the stuff that doesn’t make it onto the air. Someone actually filmed pilot episodes of the following shows.

  Baffled! (1973)

  A race-car driver (Leonard Nimoy) gets injured in a crash and suddenly begins receiving visions of murders that haven’t occurred yet. He solves the crimes before they happen with the help of a female student of psychic phenomena.

  Clone Master (1978)

  A government scientist (Art Hindle) makes a bunch of clones of himself (all played by Hindle) then sends them out into the world to fight crime and catch evildoers. Each episode would have focused on a different clone’s adventures.

  The Tribe (1974)

  Set 40,000 years ago at the end of the Ice Age, this series chronicled a Cro-Magnon family’s struggles to survive harsh living conditions and skirmishes with a rival tribe of primitive Neanderthals.

  The Mysterious Two (1979)

  A man must stop two popular televangelists…because they’re actually evil aliens who are brainwashing humanity in order to take over the planet.

  Judge Dee (1974)

  Lots of shows in the 1970s were about sensitive people traveling around, generously helping others with their personal problems for free (Kung Fu and The Incredible Hulk are two examples). In Judge Dee, a judge wanders his rural district helping people and resolving disputes. The twist: Judge Dee is set in 7th-century China. It’s not to be confused with High Risk, in which six former circus performers hit the road and help people solve their problems…for money.

  Noted eating champion Mort Hurst once ate 16 double-decker Moon Pies in 10 minutes and 38 eggs in 29 seconds (which resulted in a stroke, in 1991).

  Microcops (1989)

  Two microscopic cops from outer space come to Earth in pursuit of an equally tiny intergalactic criminal mastermind. To move around the planet, the tiny cops attach their tiny spaceship to people, dogs, and birds.

  Danger Team (1991)

  A ball of space goop crash-lands in a sculptor’s studio. Naturally, he molds the goop into three figurines. The figurines come to life, but only the artist can see them. The artist and the goop men team up to go fight crime.

  Steel Justice (1992)

  A little boy idolizes his policeman father and likes to secretly tail him when he goes out on drug busts and stakeouts at night. One night, the kid gets killed. Dad is distraught…until he meets his new crime-fighting partner—a fire-breathing, 100-foot-tall robot dinosaur that’s possessed by the spirit of his dead son.

  Shangri-La Plaza (1990)

  A widow and her teenage daughter inherit a donut shop in a Los Angeles strip mall and flirt with the mechanic brothers who work next door. Sounds like normal TV fare…except that all of the dialogue was sung.

  Tag Team (1991)

  Trying to cash in on the popularity of professional wrestling, this pilot starred 1980s WWF stars “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Jesse “The Body” Ventura as the Lizard Brothers, professional wrestlers who quit the ring to become undercover cops.

  Wurlitzer (1985)

  A man inherits a decaying diner and its antique Wurlitzer jukebox. The plot: In each episode, the man selects a song on the jukebox and is then transported back in time to the year that song came out. Why? To help people with their problems. In the pilot episode, he listens to a Jefferson Airplane song, goes to 1968 San Francisco, and helps a hippie quit drugs.

  America 2100 (1979)

  Two stand-up comedians are accidentally put into suspended animation. They awake at the dawn of the 22nd century to find the world run by a supercomputer with the voice and old jokes of fellow comedian Sid Caesar.

  K-9000 (1991)

  A Los Angeles cop volunteers for a futuristic experiment: His new partner is half robot, half dog. The two are able to communicate via the microchip implanted in the cop’s brain.

  Danny and the Mermaid (1978)

  Danny is an oceanography student failing all of his classes. Then he meets a mer
maid who, along with her talking dolphin friend, helps Danny get better grades by escorting him all over the ocean and tutoring him on sea life.

  Ethel Is an Elephant (1980)

  A New York photographer fights with his landlord to keep his unusual pet in his apartment—an elephant (named Ethel) that was abandoned by the circus. Most of the comedy revolves around unsuccessful attempts to hide Ethel behind furniture.

  Mixed Nuts (1977)

  This pilot was one of the first shows to depict mentally ill people living in an insane asylum. A sensitive portrayal of forgotten people living on society’s fringe? No, Mixed Nuts was actually a comedy.

  Dad’s a Dog (1989)

  To the embarrassment of his children, the only work a former TV star can get is on a sitcom (also called Dad's a Dog), where he performs the voice of a man who is magically transformed into a dog.

  Heil Honey I’m Home! (1990)

  A parody of 1950s sitcoms like Leave it to Beaver, this British show was about Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun living peacefully in a suburban neighborhood until their lives are turned upside down by their new Jewish neighbors.

  The ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.

  SMITHSONIAN FUN

  In his spare time, Scott Williams of Newport, Rhode Island, digs up things from his backyard and submits them to the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C. as authentic “paleological finds.” Here is the actual (we think) response from the Smithsonian, proving that some scientists do indeed have a sense of humor.

  Smithsonian Institution

  207 Pennsylvania Avenue

  Washington, D.C. 20078

  Dear Mr. Williams,

  Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post…Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be “Malibu Barbie.” It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior findings were loathe to contradict your analysis. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

  1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

  3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

  This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

  Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them (a ripe one can be dribbled like a basketball).

  A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that has been chewed on by a dog.

  B. Clams don’t have teeth.

  It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 A.D.

  Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

  However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport backyard.

  We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

  Yours in Science,

  Harvey Rowe

  Chief Curator–Antiquities

  Blond hair is the finest; black hair is the coarsest.

  OOPS!

  Everyone’s amused by tales of outrageous blunders—probably because it’s comforting to know that someone’s screwing up worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

  BATTERY’S DONE

  In Perth, Australia, in 2003, a man tried to charge his cell phone battery by putting it in his microwave. It didn’t work, but it caused an explosion and set his house on fire.

  BROWN ALERT

  An Edmonton, Alberta, woman frantically called police in October 2003 to report that a letter she’d just opened had changed in color from white to pale yellow, to brown. A terrorist alert went out. Hazardous chemical officers in HAZMAT suits arrived and soon cracked the case. The letter had quickly changed color because it had been placed on an unseen puddle of coffee.

  HAPPY OOPS

  For almost 50 years, the official number of American troops killed in the Korean War stood at 54,246. In June 2000, the U.S. government announced that after the war a bureaucratic error had been made, miscounting the toll. Actual deaths: 36,940.

  HE CAN’T DRIVE 712

  In 2002, Lim Ang Hing of Malaysia was given a speeding ticket …for driving 712 mph, nearly the speed of sound. While Lim admitted he was exceeding the 56 mph limit, he protested the number cited by police, claiming he was only going about 65. Police apologized for the “technical glitch.”

  SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED

  Poster seen on buses in Manhattan in 2002: “Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.” In related news, crossing guards who worked for schools in Glasgow, Scotland, in 2003 were sent a letter telling them that their paychecks could be provided in Braille if they were blind (which would have made it difficult to be a crossing guard).

  Stays crunchy in milk: Dairy cows eat cornflakes.

  BUY THIS BOOK…BUY THIS BOOK

  In 2002 Scott Boyes sat in a Bedfordshire, England, park and dozed off while reading a book called Helping Yourself With Self-Hypnosis. An hour later, Boyes woke to find that a thief had apparently helped himself…to Boyes’s cell phone and several shopping bags full of merchandise he’d just bought.

  PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE CLICKING SOUND

  German intelligence officers were secretly bugging the phones of 50 suspected criminals in 2002. The operation fell apart when bills for the phone-tapping service were sent to the 50 people who were being monitored.

  WHAT? HUH?

  In 2006 an irate Lewes, England, man called police to complain of a ringing alarm that had been blaring incessantly for over a week. After a brief investigation, it was discovered the sound was coming from an old smoke alarm in the man’s garden shed.

  OOPS.COM

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sp; Sometimes companies don’t think about unintended results when they register Web site addresses. Some unluckily named business Web sites include ones for pen seller Pen Island (penisland.com), celebrity agent directory Who Represents (whorepresents.com), Italian electric company Italian Power Generator (powergenitalia.com), and the design firm Speed of Art (speedofart.com).

  PICASSOOPS

  Steve Wynn, a Las Vegas casino owner and real estate agent, owns the Pablo Picasso painting The Dream. He had arranged to sell the painting in 2006 for $139 million, but before parting with it he had some friends over to his office to show it off. At the party, Wynn was waving his hands around as he told a friend a story. He lost his balance and fell backward into the painting, puncturing it with what one guest later called “a $40 million elbow.” Wynn had to cancel the sale.

  Crash course: Florida law forbids housewives from breaking more than three dishes per day.

  DAVID ICKE AND

  THE LIZARD PEOPLE

  Thirty years ago, he was a professional soccer player in England. Today, he lectures people about the shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from outer space who run the world.

  RISING STAR

  David Icke was born to poor parents in Leicester, England, in 1952. Raised in public housing, he left his family and school at age 17 to play professional soccer. Icke was a star goalie for two teams but had to retire at only 21: The arthritis in his knee, which had plagued him since the beginning of his career, had now become unbearable.

  His lifelong ambition and career were over after just four years. Icke didn’t know what to do next, so he returned to Leicester. In 1973, he got a job writing for a small local newspaper, and discovered that he actually liked reporting. He stuck with it, ascending through media jobs in radio, local television, and then to the BBC where he became a nationally known sportscaster.

  In the mid-1980s, Icke became interested in politics and publicly spoke out on the importance of preserving the environment. In 1988, he left the BBC because he felt it was inappropriate for a news personality to speak out about world events. So he joined Britain’s Green Party, which, banking on Icke’s national recognition, made him their national spokesman. Icke had changed careers yet again. Now he was a full-time activist. In 1990 he wrote a book about environmentalism entitled It Doesn’t Have to Be Like This.