Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  SHUTTLE PASSES TEST; A WORKER IS KILLED

  Dishonesty Policy Voted In by Senate

  PLENTY DO DO HERE FOR LOCAL “TOURISTS”

  More of Us Will Live to Be Centurions

  SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY

  YANKEES TAKE A WALK TO TIE STORE

  Coke Head to Speak Here

  Brain Bypass Surgery Ineffective

  Carbon Man Sets Himself on Fire

  Commissioner Davis to Head “Assault on Literacy Month”

  Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity

  GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

  According to manufacturers, the average bra size today is 36C. In 1980, it was 34B.

  WORLD NUDES TONIGHT

  Mark Twain once wrote, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” He was wrong.

  PUNCHY

  Thirty-year-old Panamanian fighter Celestino Caballero was determined to get a shot at what looked like his last chance at the World Boxing Association’s super bantamweight title in October 2006. So when it appeared that he might be over the 122-pound weight limit, which would have disqualified him, he decided to do something drastic: He stripped completely naked so that not even the weight of his boxing trunks and jockstrap would be counted against him during the weigh-in. The move was embarrassing, but it worked—Caballero squeaked in under the weight limit and then clobbered the defending titleholder, Thailand’s Somsak Sithchatchawal, in three rounds, sending him to the hospital with a suspected broken nose. Caballero is believed to be the first world title contender to qualify for his bout in the nude.

  THE GOOD BOOK

  In 2005 a Lutheran church youth group in Nuremberg, Germany, decided to organize a fundraiser to help repaint the youth center. The idea they came up with: a nude calendar depicting 12 different scenes from the Bible—Eve wearing only a strategically placed fig leaf, offering Adam an apple; a topless Delilah cutting Samson’s hair, etc. The most amazing thing about the calendar? Bernd Grasser, pastor of the church, approved the idea and even let the organizers shoot nude scenes inside the church. At last report the calendar had sold 5,000 copies and raised more than 40,000 euros. “It’s just wonderful when teenagers commit themselves with their hair and skin to the Bible,” Pastor Grasser says.

  COMING CLEAN

  In 2001 Michael Lee, a London magistrate, quit his court job and became the head of finance for a furniture company in Manchester, England. It was about that time that he became obsessed with paying a prostitute as much as $500 an hour to clean his house while wearing only rubber gloves. After Lee exhausted his own savings of $49,000, he piled up another $197,000 in credit card debt and stole more than $400,000 from his employer, blowing all of the loot on naked housecleaning. His conscience finally caught up with him in 2006 and he turned himself in to police. Lee pled guilty to theft and at last report was awaiting sentencing. Adding insult to injury: The “maid service” was terrible. “If that guy spent $600,000 on a cleaner, he should ask for his money back,” says a neighbor. “She obviously didn’t have her mind on the cleaning aspect of her work. His place was absolutely filthy.”

  The native language of Cameroon has no sound for “x.”

  THE LONG (BARE) ARM OF THE LAW

  In October 2006, security guards monitoring video cameras in the Government Services Building in Hamilton, Ohio, spotted a man walking the halls in the wee hours of the morning completely naked. The following night, the naked man was arrested and identified as 35-year-old Scott Blauvelt, a city prosecutor. Blauvelt was charged with two counts of public indecency. He was also fired. So was this Blauvelt’s first naked encounter with the law? No—in 2005 he crashed his car while driving nude. Blauvelt’s attorney attributes his erratic behavior in both incidents to medication he takes to control seizures. (At last report Blauvelt had pled not guilty by reason of insanity and was awaiting trial.)

  LOSING STREAK

  Have you ever seen a sporting event where streakers run across the field? It’s not that unusual, so when three streakers ran onto the soccer field during a game in Germany in 2003, it didn’t attract much media attention…until one of the teams, Hansa Rostock, sued the streakers for 20,000 euros (about $26,000). The team took the step after it was fined 20,000 euros by the German Soccer League for allowing the streakers to gain access to the field; Hansa Rostock paid the fine, then sued the streakers to get the money back. The team won the suit in 2005 and won again in 2006 when the streakers appealed the decision. “Spectators enter an agreement when they arrive in the stadium that forbids them from going onto the playing field,” the appellate judge ruled, “thus the defendants must pay the full cost of damages for violating that agreement.”

  Between death and the onset of rigor mortis, muscle contractions can cause the body to turn onto its side.

  MOUNTAIN MAN

  More than 2,000 people have climbed Mt. Everest, including many Sherpas, who are native to the region. What makes Lakpa Tharke unique among them is that when he reached the 29,035-foot summit in 2006, he stripped naked and braved the –40°F temperature for three minutes while other climbers took pictures of him. (Twenty-two people made it to the top of Everest on that day alone.) Tharke, believed to be the first person ever to strip completely naked on the world’s tallest peak, pulled the stunt hoping it would land him a spot in Guinness World Records, but the Nepal Mountaineering Association hopes it lands him in jail. Mt. Everest, known as Chomolungma or “Goddess Mother of the World,” is a sacred site for both Tibetan and Nepalese Buddhists, and stripping naked at the summit is considered a sacrilege. “I was shocked to hear that a Sherpa stood nude atop the holy mountain for the sake of creating a record,” said Ang Tshering Sherpa, head of the association. “The Goddess Mother is holy to us and the deed is tantamount to defiling her.”

  THE BIRD MAN

  One evening in July 2006, two residents of Whaleyville, Virginia, returned home to find 30-year-old Juan Lopez standing naked in their driveway, clutching one of their pet pigeons. As they pulled into the driveway, the naked man began beating their car with the pigeon. A few minutes later the man fled into nearby woods, where he was later arrested and charged with burglary and “larceny of poultry.” The couple didn’t know Lopez…so why did he attack them? No one knows. “He was obviously having some sort of issues that night,” said a police spokesperson.

  HOW MUCH IS THAT NUDE GUY IN THE WINDOW?

  When Forrest City, Arkansas, police responded to a residential burglary call in October 2006, they found a naked man, 19-year-old Dennis Reed, Jr. wedged between an air conditioner and a window frame. What was he doing there? Reed claims that someone he knows “only by his first name” forced him at gunpoint to break into the apartment. He remained stuck until the fire department was able to enter the apartment and remove the air conditioner. (At last report Reed was sticking to his story.)

  IT’S AN ODD

  WORLD AFTER ALL

  We traveled the world to find these.

  TOAD IN THE HOLE!

  In 2006 the Australian environmental group FrogWatch started selling a new gardening product in order to raise funds. It’s called ToadJus—liquid fertilizer made from pulverized toads. Cane toads, which can grow up to 12 inches in length and can weigh up to three pounds, were imported in the 1930s to battle a sugar cane beetle (it didn’t work) and are now considered a major pest in Australia. FrogWatch is helping out in efforts to exterminate the toads and the toad juice seemed like a great way to raise cash and awareness on the issue. And the odd product was actually selling well. But there was a problem: ToadJus ferments; bottles of the stuff were exploding in people’s garages. FrogWatch issued a news release in September warning people to unscrew the tops of the bottles a half-turn to let the pressure escape. “Otherwise,” said FrogWatch employee Graeme Sawyer, “the bottle may explode, or leak, potentially covering the garden shed with an evil-smelling, sticky liquid.”

  WE MUST. WE M
UST…

  In 2004 people in the Baltic coastal town of Ustka, Poland, decided that their mermaid needed a boob job. The mermaid is the town’s official symbol and appears on its coat of arms. At a public meeting, one of the town’s councillors remarked that the mermaid had rather small breasts and was “a bit fat.” Everyone agreed. So they hired an artist and their ancient symbol was slimmed down and given “enhanced” breasts.

  HOLIER THAN THOU

  In 1840 missionaries from the Welsh Presbyterian Church started going to India to convert people to their religion. Missionary activities in the country remained active for more than a hundred years, with several churches being established. But in 2006, the pattern reversed. The Christian Diocese of Mizoram, in northeast India, announced they would be sending Indian Christians to Wales because the Welsh weren’t spiritual enough.

  Ewwww! Tarantula wasps paralyze tarantulas and then lay one egg on the living spider...

  HECK’S DEVILS

  Police began investigating the Hell’s Angels motorcycle chapter in Stockholm, Sweden, in 2005, after more than 70 members were found to be receiving government health benefits for depression, and that they’d all been diagnosed by the same doctor. Investigators confirmed that the Angels were perpetrating a scam, adding that the gang had apparently changed over the years: No longer the wild bunch they used to be, the Angels now make most of their money on non-violent schemes.

  HELLO, NURSE

  Doctors in the town of Iasi, Romania, wrote to the country’s medical officials, demanding that nurses be required to get new uniforms. They were tired of the frumpy outfits the nurses had been wearing for years. “I believe all the women—nurses and doctors—should wear mini-skirts,” Dr. Iulian Serban, head of the local medical board, said. “It would be more elegant.”

  DEAD HEAT

  In 2005 a student at Sde Boker Academy in Israel’s Negev Desert told a radio station host about an odd tradition that had been going on for years among students at the school. He said that teenage Israeli students had been going to the gravesite of Israel’s founder, David Ben-Gurion, to lose their virginity. “One friend told me about it,” the student said. “He called his girlfriend and asked her to come with him that night to the grave. Two hours later, he came back and told me what they’d done.” Academy director Yaakov Aini said he’d never heard about the tradition, but that it was “shameful, distorted, and very serious.” But Ben-Gurion’s grandson, Dr. Yariv Ben-Eliezer, thought otherwise. “I think it’s great,” he told Israel’s YNet news. “I’m happy that years after my grandfather died, he continues to inspire our youth.”

  ...Then, when the egg hatches, the wasp larva has a fresh, living supply of food. Ewwww!

  WHY DON’T WE HAVE

  A WORD FOR THAT?

  Americans excel at inventing colorful expressions and slang, but it turns out other countries are pretty good at it, too.

  Kummerspeck (Germany): “Grief bacon”—the weight you gain by overeating when you’re worried about something.

  Attaccabottoni (Italy): A “buttonholer”—someone who corners casual acquaintances or even complete strangers for the purpose of telling them their miserable life stories.

  Modré Pondeli (Czech): “Blue Monday”—When you skip coming in to work to give yourself a three-day weekend.

  Razbliuto (Russia): The feeling you have for a person you used to love, but don’t anymore.

  Shitta (Iran): Leftover dinner that’s eaten for breakfast.

  Tartle (Scotland): To momentarily forget the name of the person you’re talking to. The word helps reduce the social embarrassment of such situations: “I’m sorry, I tartled there for a moment.”

  Pana po’o (Hawaii): To scratch your head in an attempt to remember something you’ve forgotten.

  Ngaobera (Easter Island): A sore throat caused by too much screaming.

  Backpfeifengesicht (Germany): A face that’s just begging for somebody to put their fist in it.

  Papierkrieg (Germany): “Paper war”—bureaucratic paperwork whose only purpose is to block you from getting the refund, insurance payment, or other benefit that you have coming.

  Rujuk (Indonesia): To remarry your ex-wife.

  Mokita (New Guinea): The truth that everyone knows, but no one will speak about.

  Gorrero (Spain, Central America): Someone who never picks up the check.

  Fucha (Poland): Using your employer’s time and resources for your own purposes. (Uncle John had never heard of such a thing and wanted to ask around the office if anyone else had, but everyone is still out to lunch.)

  In ancient Rome it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose.

  ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS

  Uncle John was thinking about saving this chapter for the next book, but Mrs. Uncle John insisted that it should go in this one. They settled the dispute with a good old-fashioned round of Rochambeau. (Uncle John threw scissors, Mrs. Uncle John threw a rock.) It’s in.

  PAPER TRAIL

  No one knows much about the history of Rock, Paper, Scissors, or Rochambeau, as it is also known. The game is believed to be more than a century old, and may have originated in Africa, Portugal, Scandanavia, or Japan, where it is known as Jan Ken Pon. How it came to be associated with the Comte de Rochambeau, a French general who commanded French troops under George Washington during the Revolutionary War, is anyone’s guess.

  If you haven’t played it since you were a kid, here’s a refresher on the rules: A round of Rock, Paper, Scissors is similar to a coin toss. Two players shake or “prime” their fists three times (sometimes calling out “Ro, sham, beau!” as they do), then make a “throw” by forming one of three symbols with their hand: a fist (rock); a flat hand extended straight out (paper); or a V-sign made by extending only the index and middle fingers (scissors). Paper beats rock (the rock is covered by the paper); rock beats scissors (it dulls or smashes the scissors), and scissors beats paper (snip-snip). If you both throw the same symbol, it counts as a tie, and you repeat the process until someone wins.

  ALL GROWN UP

  If Rock, Paper, Scissors used to be just for kids, it isn’t anymore. Today it’s practically a professional sport, thanks in large part to two Canadian brothers named Graham and Douglas Walker. One cold winter night in 1995, they were both too lazy to leave their cabin to get more wood for the fire, so they played 15 rounds to decide who would have to get it.

  Graham won, but before it was over Doug noticed that he had a habit of throwing whichever symbol would have beaten his previous throw—if he threw a rock, his next throw would be paper, which beats the rock, followed by scissors, which cuts paper. That got the brothers to thinking that there might be a strategic side to the game that they hadn’t thought about before.

  It is against the law to mispronounce “Arkansas” in Arkansas.

  The brothers also figured that if they still enjoyed playing the game, other adults would, too. They created an organization called the World RPS Society and put up a Web site. By 2002 they were ready to host their first world championship in Toronto. First prize: $800 and an XBox. Today the grand prize has grown to $10,000, and the tournament’s success has led to the formation of the rival USA Rock Paper Scissors League, sponsored by Bud Light. It holds its $50,000 annual championship in Las Vegas. Dave McGill, a 30-year-old bartender from Omaha, won the top prize in 2006.

  STRATEGIES

  The experts differ on the best strategy for winning:

  1. Psychology. One school of thought says you should try to read your opponent, guess which symbol they’re going to throw, and respond with the symbol that will beat it. Rock is considered the most aggressive symbol, so if you detect signs of aggression, throw paper to beat their rock. Paper is passive, so throw scissors if your opponent appears weak…and hope they aren’t just faking you out. If they look neither aggressive nor passive, throw rock to beat their scissors. Playing several rounds? Use your opponent’s past throws to predict what their future throws w
ill be, and respond accordingly. If they throw lots of rocks, throw lots of paper, etc.

  2. Runs. Another school of thought says that you should ignore psychology entirely by selecting one or more runs or “gambits” of three throws each (paper, scissors, paper, for example; or scissors, scissors, rock) and stick to them no matter what your opponent does. By choosing throws at random, you thwart your opponent’s attempts to read your psychology. Some of the most popular runs even have names: Paper Dolls (paper, scissors, scissors); Avalanche (rock, rock, rock); and Bureaucrat (paper, paper, paper).

  ROCHAMBEAU IN THE NEWS

  In the Art World. In 2005 a wealthy Japanese businessman named Takashi Hashiyama decided to auction off four of his company’s most valuable pieces of art: paintings by Pablo Picasso, Paul Cézanne, Vincent van Gogh, and a fourth artist named Alfred Sisley. But when he couldn’t decide between the rival Christie’s and Sotheby’s auction houses, he invited both firms to play a game of Rochambeau to decide the winner. Sotheby’s picked paper…and lost to Christie’s scissors.

  Longest name for a muscle: Levator Labii Superioris Alaeque Nasi a two-inch muscle between your nose and upper lip.

  Sotheby’s says it didn’t have a strategy and just picked a symbol at random. Christie’s turned for advice to Flora and Alice Maclean, the twin 11-year-old daughters of Nicholas Maclean, head of the modern art department. They suggested scissors. “Everybody knows you start with scissors,” Alice explained to an interviewer. Christie’s auctioned the paintings for $17.8 million and pocketed several million dollars in fees from the sales (no word on whether Flora and Alice got a share of the loot).

  The Legal World. When two opposing lawyers couldn’t agree on the location for a witness’s testimony to be taken, Florida judge Gregory Pressnell issued a court order instructing that the lawyers settle the matter by playing a round of Rock, Paper, Scissors. So who won? Nobody—after Judge Pressnell’s order made international headlines, the lawyers gave in and settled the dispute themselves.