Lost

by Ker Dukey

  “He’s harmless, Cole. Let him go.”

  Cole shoves him out of the door and kicks it closed behind him. “Anything you need to tell me?”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry that I made you do that at the club.”

  His feet stomp across the floor until he’s standing an inch from me. If I breathe out our bodies would touch.

  “I’m a grown man, Win. You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do.”

  I look up into his eyes and see truth and lust there. But I know all he can see in mine is exhaustion, a weariness that settles over me all of a sudden.

  He sighs, cupping my cheek when my body sags before him. “Now I need you to get some sleep, you’ve played detective enough today. You’re exhausted.”

  Only just finding the energy to nod my head, I give him a soft smile and leave him to go lay down on my bed.

  I spend most of the next day between trying to scrub off the thickness of sin that coats my skin and staring blankly at the address Obsidian gave me. I wish Cole had been with me under different circumstances. Guilt still sits heavy in my chest even though he said he wanted it. The truth was, I wanted it. I’ve always wanted him that way and he gave me something I’ve been trying to reach for my entire short life. He gave me a release, a pleasure in something I’d always been ashamed of. Sex was punishment for me but not with him - With him it was a reward. It was a connection, a moment between two souls.

  I turn my cell volume back on after I switched it to silent last night. I daren’t turn it off in case my parents, or someone more sinister, needs to get hold of me, but I ignore all of Cole’s texts and calls. I can’t face him even after he came and reassured me that he didn’t blame me for what happened between us, because I did. I blamed me for forcing something that should have come naturally between us. I won’t deny the lingering looks, or the way he touches me weren’t all leading somewhere. He can deny it if he needs to, but I won’t.

  All night I tossed and turned to thoughts of what we had done. Shame had crawled in but then when I’d replayed everything, lust and arousal had pushed away all the humiliation.

  No man had ever brought me to that level before.

  My fingers trace over the faint scars on my skin. Knife play, or blood kink as some refer to it, takes a tremendous amount of expertise. One must know how deep to cut, how much blood to free, and how to angle the blade to produce minimum scarring. Cole knew. He knew with an expertise that was only just astounding me. He’d played before. He had shown an elegance, an artistic perfection, with each glide of the blade. Each draw of blood had been flawlessly executed with the maximum sensation and the least effort.

  A shiver races through me and I bite into my lip to halt my wayward thoughts. I twist the small piece of paper between my fingers again. Obsidian warned me not to go alone. But I can’t ask Cole. Not now. He made it perfectly clear what he thought of our… undercover practices.

  I’ve never felt more alone in my whole life, not that I had much attention or love when I was a child. My mother seeps forbiddingly into my thoughts. She’s always at the forefront but Summer’s disappearance has made me more and more aware of her invisible presence. Surely she wouldn’t have anything to do with this? I know she used to mix with some weird fucks, but… I shake my head when my mind tries to tell me she wouldn’t sell her own daughter. She would, she tried her best when Summer and me were little, so she wouldn’t change now, especially if money was involved.

  Night has already descended and I wonder where the day went. I’d been trying to get hold of Jarod all day but as I check my cell again, I see only Cole’s name flash up. His name blurs in the focus of tears and I quickly rub my eyes, refusing them more freedom. I am becoming weak, and weak won’t get Summer back. I can’t afford to be this emotional, or soft.

  Pushing off the couch, I carry myself into the bedroom and fling open the closet door. My feet refuse to move as I stare at the shelf that sits at the very top. It holds so many secrets that my stomach vaults as I reach up, move aside a couple of thick sweaters and drag down the shoe box.

  It feels heavy in my hands, in my soul. I haven’t touched it for years but there’s a loneliness in my heart that needs this right now. Lowering my trembling body down onto my bed, I sit with the pale cream box on my knee, my eyes trying to burn a hole through it so I won’t have to touch it.

  Taking a deep breath, I slide off the lid and place it beside me. Firstly, as always, I take out the small cassette player, set it down on the nightstand and press play. Eagles, Hotel California echoes into the eerie silence and I have to shut my eyes before the sting becomes unbearable. Sounds filter in, Summer’s muted crying, my mother’s pimp shouting, Mom weeping and screaming.

  Turning over my hands so my palms face upwards on my thighs I can practically feel the trace of Summer’s tiny hand slip into mine as her tears drip onto my exposed wrist.

  A shudder shakes my chest as I forbid the sob its freedom, it belongs inside me where it can’t hurt, where it can’t feed the memories.

  “Help me,” she whispers around me, the soft heartbroken tone of her voice sending a searing heat through my chest.

  “Where are you, baby?” I whisper back with a desperation that makes my throat burn.

  She doesn’t reply. I didn’t expect her to.

  My teeth break through my bottom lip and my eyes snap open, the sharp bite yanking me out of the memory.

  An old photograph of me, Summer and Mom causes the lump in my throat to harden. It was the only time we were all smiling together. Summer was around three, her hand clasped in mine as we sat on the beach and ate ice-cream together. Momma sat behind us both with a corndog in her hand, her beautiful thick hair blowing around her face as she rests her chin on the top of our heads and smiles for whoever the cameraman is. Like many times before I wonder why this was a happy day, why Momma took us to the beach and spoiled us. I like to imagine that it was my birthday and she was treating both her children to a happy day. But I don’t know, I’ve never known because I can only remember the laughter from that day, nothing else. My fingers trace Summer’s smile and I squeeze my eyes closed, trying in vain to see her pretty face in my mind.

  Swallowing back the agony, I reach back into the box. Summer’s birth certificate finally gives me a smile. I still remember Momma bringing her home, a tiny bundle of wriggling love that broke my heart as soon as she opened her huge blue eyes and stared up at me. She curled her fingers around my small one and I swear I felt half of her soul melt into me, begging me for protection like she knew what was to come.

  As I start to fold the paper back into its small square, something stops me. My heart starts to beat quicker as I slowly reopen the paper. My mouth dries and my breath quickens as my eyes drop to the single line. His name stares at me. There’s no Father’s Name on my own certificate, but Summer always had a father. Always.

  “FUCK!”

  I snatch the last item out of the box and quickly check it over as I slide in a magazine and then tuck it inside the back of my jeans, the cold metal making my skin crawl as I stab at my cell and try Jarod one more time.

  “Come on!” I yell into the phone as I pull on my sneakers. “Come on Jarod, answer me, damn it!”

  “Mmm,” he finally mumbles, the squeak as he answers his cell making me jolt with surprise.

  “I’m on my way to yours,” I tell him breathlessly. “Fire up your PC.”

  “Winter?” he growls, “It’s 3AM!”

  I stall, “Is it?”

  “Yes, it fucking is! Can’t this wait until morning?”

  “No,” I answer as I slam my front door behind me and hurry out. “I need someone tracing.”

  He moans but I can hear him moving about, grumbling as he does so. “You owe me big time. Name?”

  “Denny Cooper.”

  He huffs. “I need more than that, Winter. There could be millions of men called Denny Cooper.”

  Putting my phone onto speaker and swiftly pulling away f
rom my house, I rummage through my mind for more information. “I can’t really remember much about him… Oh, he owned a shop when Summer was born. It was a candy store. That’s how my mother met him, she used to take me in once in a while.”

  Another smile lifts my lips at the memory. Why did she have to get into the hard drugs? Why did they eventually become more important to her than her own children? Why couldn’t she have been the perfect mother forever?

  “So, that was what, fifteen years ago?” Jarod asks as I hear him hitting keys on his keyboard and imputing everything I was telling him.

  We managed to push my memories enough for me to remember the location and other helpful snippets about Denny, and before long I was sat beside Jarod as his software ran a search through every data site in the US that Jarod managed to hack into.

  He gets up to stretch his legs and offers me a soda while we wait. It wasn’t searching quickly enough for my liking but Jarod was constantly changing direction, hunting through various informative sites and old government records to find the man I needed.

  “I’m not quite sure what help this guy will be to you,” Jarod questions as he cracks his aching fingers.

  Frustrated with the wait, I stand up and start to orbit Jarod’s room. It was full of geeky shit, nerdy magazines, gaming figures and wall art that had seen better days, yet to Jarod they were his treasured possessions and I wouldn’t ever slate them in front of him.

  “I know I haven’t seen my mom for a while,” I divulge as I carefully pick up a Japanese Manga figure to study, “But before it all kicked off she was still in touch with Denny. He might know where she is.”

  He narrows his eyes on me. “You seriously believe that?”

  Shrugging, I gently replace the figurine. “I don’t know. I can’t remember too much but he was a good man, he was always good to me and he doted on Summer. He bailed when Summer was around one, when my mom got into the… shit.”

  He nods solemnly and sighs. “Parent’s suck, huh?”

  Studying him for a moment, I tip my head. “You don’t get on with yours?”

  He swivels in his chair, turning his back on me, and shakes his head. “Nah, cunts. The pair of them.”

  His blunt honesty makes me grimace but my heart goes out to him. Jarod and me have never really been close, or shared shit, but I feel there is a little more to my friend than I realize. “Sorry,” I say quietly, and genuinely.

  He peers over his shoulder at me. “Don’t be, I’m better off without them.”

  Giving him a smile, I rub the top of his head playfully. “You made a good guy without them, Hacker.”

  He laughs then swings around again when his monitor blinks at us. An old newspaper article about Denny and his shop pops up and before I have a chance to read it, Jarod is already cross-referencing it with newer updated articles and sweeping all the residential sales.

  My heart stutters when Jarod slowly turns around. “That your guy?” he asks sceptically.

  An article stares at me with the picture of Denny, a little older than I remember, stood in front of a huge factory. A mass of people stands behind him as none other than Mary Joseph, a major Hollywood superstar cuts a red ribbon in front of the factory. The title says, ‘Coopers Chocolates opens three more plants.’

  I can’t seem to breathe for a long time and I drop into a chair beside Jarod. “Fuck. Why didn’t this click, Jarod? How could I be so stupid?”

  “Summer’s dad owns Coopers Chocolate? Christ, that’s what I call a decent parent.”

  Anger flares through me and I clench my fists in fury. “Why, if he’s so well off, didn’t he come back for her? Why leave her with a druggie mother who couldn’t afford to feed her kids?”

  Jarod lowers his face, unwilling to witness the hurt on my face.

  “Whoa!” He falls out of his chair when I snatch up my purse and make for the door. “Don’t tell me you’re going there!”

  “Damn right I am. It’s about time he grew some balls. He holds some responsibility in all this, Jarod!”

  Shaking his head, he sighs loudly and rolls his eyes. “You’re gonna get yourself killed. You’re acting like some stupid vigilante, Winter. You’re not one! You’re letting this consume you. You’re missing classes…”

  “Are you serious right now? Missing classes? Nothing matters if I don’t find her, Jarod. All this is for nothing, getting her out of that nightmare for it to end with her gone? I refuse for it to end this way. I refuse.”

  I laugh, I can’t help it. The adrenaline and the anger converse into a mix of messed emotions, all stupidity and common sense leaving as quickly as the rage rose. “He needs to know his daughter has been taken, he has the money to do something.”

  He scoffs, staring at me with wide eyes like I’ve lost my mind. “How will money find Summer?”

  “Don’t you get it?” I shout. “Money gets you anything in this life, including information I can’t afford.”

  Jarod holds his hands up in front of him and slowly shakes his head. “Oh no. You can’t go there. The people you’re talking about are dangerous, Winter. Don’t do this. These aren’t some piss take wannabee’s, they’re the deepest you can go. They won’t just take your money for info and then let you walk away. They don’t work like that.”

  “I don’t care,” I declare quietly, knowing he is right. “If this is what I need to do to find Summer then I’ll do it. I will trade my soul to get her back safely.”

  “And what about Cole? You think he’s just gonna let you go in there all guns blazing. This Cooper guy is high class. He’ll be guarded up to the fucking eyeballs. You won’t get within a mile of him.”

  A soft chuckle leaves me as I wink and open Jarod’s door. “You should learn to trust me more, my friend.”

  I can hear him shout my name but I’m so rushed up with anger and adrenaline that I don’t hear him.

  Nor do I see the car behind me that pulls away the same time as me.

  My cell rings again and I flick a glance at the screen.

  “Jesus, Cole,” I bark as if he can hear me, “Leave me alone.”

  He’s persistent if nothing else. I know I should answer but being honest with myself, I’m ashamed. I allowed a man, a friend, to fuck me in public just to get some information. What the hell does that make me? I bite into my bottom lip when an answer forms in my head.

  I squint when the car behind me turns up its headlights, blinding me through the mirror. “Shit, buddy, turn them down!”

  The roads are relatively quiet as it’s late, or really early in the morning, but it’s still dark. Something doesn’t feel right and I frown when the car pulls closer to my bumper, his lights finally dipping slightly from my mirror now he has budged nearer.

  A heavy feeling causes my stomach to drop when I catch sight of the bull bars the 4X4 has. It’s a mean car, and way bigger than me, with a bully driving.

  He shifts even closer and I start to realize that maybe this bully isn’t just trying to push me, but hit me. I press harder on the gas, pulling further away from him as I look for a layby to pull into and pray that he’s just in a hurry and will pass me. Yet something tells me that pulling over wouldn’t exactly be the brightest idea.

  “Shit!” I hiss when he veers right up to my ass again.

  Hitting the Bluetooth button on the dashboard, I dial Cole as fear starts to curl its way into my veins.

  He answers instantly, “About time…”

  “Cole, I have a tail.”

  He pauses as if he’s trying to figure out what I have just told him. Then the cop in him kicks in. “Where are you?”

  “Frederik West, just pulling onto east.”

  I squeal when my car lurches forward, the bars from the bully hitting me sharply and jerking my neck. “Shit, Cole!” I yelp in a panic.

  “Calm down, sugar. I’ve dispatched some of my team who are in the area but I’m on my way. You need to calm down and listen to me.”

  I’m thrown forward again, thi
s time the hit from behind coming harder. My heart is beating so fast I can’t seem to concentrate on my driving. My fingers slip off the wheel for a second and I grapple with the car, desperately trying to gain control.

  The roads are a little icy but that’s not what bothers me – it’s the ravine coming up on my left that is making my body start to tremble.

  “Cole!”

  “You need to steer away from East, Win. He’s trying to direct you to the vale!”

  “Don’t you think I haven’t worked that out!” I squeal as I once again fight with the car when my pursuer bounces off my rear. “Oh God, Cole. I’m not…” A sob lurches up my throat when the road ends and I can’t go anywhere but onto Frederik East, a road known for its cruel twists and its deep descent into the little village which sits at the bottom of the valley.

  “Baby,” he urges softly but I can hear the fear in his own voice. “Can you see the license plate?”

  “You think I have time to read his plate? I don’t even have time to keep up with my fucking heartrate.”

  I scream when I’m hit from the side, the wheel once again slipping from my grip when it jerks to the left. I can hear my wheels skid on the ice. Darkness surrounds me but my lights reflect off the barriers provided by the edge of the drop to warn, and protect, drivers, but the rate I’m getting knocked, I don’t think they’ll provide much defense against the steep incline I’m slowly getting pushed towards.

  The only thing I can do is speed up but because of the ice that’s as dangerous as the person trying to kill me. My heart is in my mouth as my foot pushes harder on the gas and I pray to someone who’s never shown me mercy before. If I could close my eyes to make my prayer heard louder, I would. Right now I need some luck from him above, yet I know I’ll go unheard once again.

  “I have a lock on your cell, Winnie. I know where you are and I’m five minutes away, try to keep calm.”

  As if he’s controlling my emotions a calm settles over me, a serenity that slows my heart down and stops the shake in my hands. It’s as strange as it is eerie. The panic subsides and a tear rolls from the corner of my eye.