After we had eaten we piled into the car. I sat in back with Ryan, holding hands. His father kept looking into the rear view mirror. I had a feeling that he was watching Ryan more than me. At least I hadn't made a bad impression on him, as being wanton.
We parked in the church parking lot and people swarmed around Ryan. He held on tight to me as he shook hands with old friends and other well wishers. I got the impression that this would have happened if I would have been there or not. He introduced me to the crowd. Then his father herded everyone inside. Once inside everyone was very quiet. Ryan led me to the family pew. It was almost at the front.
We sat and waited for the pastor and said hello to the people sitting around us. The pastor came out and made a few announcements. He even announced that Ryan was home visiting and that he had brought me along to meet his parents. As if the whole room full of people didn't already know that.
We stood to sing the entry hymn. Ryan and I were sharing a book. It was a song I knew well. I had been in the church choir since first grade. I had never sang in front of Ryan before, but this was something I thought I was kind of good at, but you can never hear yourself. We were standing so close together and he had his hand at my elbow.
The music started and then it was time to sing. I sang like I normally did. I couldn't hear him singing at all. I dared to peek at him and he looked just surprised. I couldn't tell if he was happy or mad. I just sang on. By the second verse he was smiling and I wasn't looking at the book.
We sat when it was finished. He leaned in to me. “How did you do that?”
“Church choir. Twelve years,” I whispered back. His body was shaking, as he tried not to laugh.
After church the men flocked together and his mom took me off to meet her friends. “God certainly did bless you with a fine voice,” she told me.
“A bit of talent and a lot of hard work. I sang in my church choir before I moved off to Germany.”
“Really? How long were you a part of the choir.”
“Twelve years.” Wow I had managed to impress her. I did want them to like me.
“Why didn't you let me know that you can sing?” He said it with an accent that was getting more southern by the second.
“Because I didn't know until just now when you said that, that I could.” I smiled up at him.
“Well you can, darling. Why does it seem like I am always finding something new about you every other day?”
“That's just because you're paying attention.” I walked off and joined the women again. I felt his eyes on my backside as I walked away, but it was in a good way.
Chapter 14 Losing You
The stay with Ryan's parents was over quickly and we went back to work. Him to the film, me to my apartment to finish the book. One day he called and told me that he had been suggested for the lead in another movie. He had auditioned and got the part. He was very excited about bringing home a lot of money so we could get married.
I pretended to be excited about that but I just wanted him at home. I missed him so much and I was going back to my old ways of staying up late and sleeping in except that I slept in a lot later than before. My body was just used to getting the right amount of sleep. I guessed it just demanded it now.
I finished the book and proofread it several times. My publisher wanted it right away so I sent it to her without putting it aside for a month but there wasn't any time for that. She would read it and send it to her editors and if they had any questions they would call me.
I had been confessing to Ryan about my strange sleeping habits and when he came home to visit he scolded me but he didn't spank. I was glad about that.
He was predicting a major burn out. I told him that I would be good and take a vacation when I was finished. He made me promise.
Writing that book had tired me out so much. It had ended up longer than the first one.
It was odd to go shopping and see my own face on the tabloids. That we were a pair was all over the media. They loved the story and pictures of us kissing were everywhere. The pictures were older already but the same kisses got shot from different angles and made then look more. The picture we presented was a couple very much in love. I liked that.
I even bought a couple where I thought the pictures were especially nice and hid them away at home. I wasn't sure if Ryan would approve or not.
I was back to shopping everyday just to get some exercise and in the hopes that I would wake up a little. I knew that I needed Ryan cooking and caring for me every day to really feel better, but he was the one working.
It should be me taking care of him when he came home to visit. I had kind of admitted to myself that I was sick. I made a doctor appointment and worried how he would react if I ended up having something like an iron deficiency caused by the wrong nutrition. I was eating perfectly so I would have good blood results.
We had been doing a lot of talking about moving in together. It only made sense, and we would save money that way. That was also something he liked. He was worried about the future. He rolled his eyes when I told him that I would write him a best seller before I would let him starve.
Ryan wanted to be the one bringing in the money. It all fit into his – being the man, breadwinner beliefs. It was part of who he was, so I accepted him as he was and loved him for it.
I didn't tell him about the doctor visit I had arranged, because I was pretty sure what was wrong with me. I had a feeling that I had a little surprise for him.
I was late by two weeks in the meantime. I knew he wanted a family but he also wanted that nest egg. He probably would be thrilled but I still worried that he would be a bit disappointed that it had happened so soon. He was very correct about things, like marriage first and then children, but we had been having unprotected sex since the get go. It was to be reckoned with.
I was obviously happy about the baby because I caught myself talking to the baby and when I stood I tended to rock sideways on my feet and hum. I was looking forward to my appointment tomorrow. I went to bed early and got lots of rest a healthy breakfast but not too much because I figured that they would be weighing me. Then I was off to the hospital.
I told the nurse that I was here for my appointment. I felt like I was already a beaming mother. I waited in a chair and dared to read a parenting magazine while I scolded myself that I might be setting myself up for a disappointment.
The nurse called me in and I got undressed, and into one of those terrible paper hospital gowns. I felt so stupid. The doctor came in, and of course it was a male doctor. He started talking to me like I was dressed. He told me that he was a fan and that he could hardly wait for the movie. I told him that they were finished filming it but they still had to polish it up for the movie theaters.
Then he seemed to remember why he was there with me in the tiny room with me wearing paper clothing.
“So what brings you to me today?” He was grinning at me.
“Well, I haven't been feeling well lately. Tired even though I am sleeping a lot, dizziness and I'm two weeks late.” I was blushing red by the time I finished.
He smiled, “I understand. Well let's get started then and see if we can confirm your hopes.”
He checked me over which was too embarrassing to talk about. While he was at it he even asked very personal questions. He took blood and gave me a cup to pee into.
Yes, even best selling authors don't get out of that. He announced that I was pregnant and then he sent me off to a gynecologist for more details. I got checked over again, but this time it was all about the baby so I didn't mind as much. The doctor was also a woman, which helped.
I was the happiest woman in the world when I left the hospital.
My neighbor was getting her mail when I came in. “Wow, you are in a great mood, aren't you?”
I just nodded stupidly.
“Did he propose or something?” She was one of the few who had no idea who my boyfriend was. She didn't go to the movies and apparently she didn't read the tabl
oids either. But as a single mom it was hard for her to do things like that. When she had a babysitter she then she went on dates but not to the movies. I invited her to go along with me one night.
The premiere was going to be a huge event. I would go to the one here in America and the one Germany. I could hardly wait to hear Ryan speaking German. Well, to see my boyfriend with his voice dubbed over. Maybe when he heard about my good news he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. Maybe my fiancé, or maybe he would take me by my hand, and cart me off to the courthouse, or Vegas, and he would be my husband.
“No, but he talks about us getting married like it is a done deal.” I smiled on and she looked at my stomach.
Her jaw dropped. “How far along are you?”
“Just a few weeks. I just came from the doctor's. I really am expecting. I have to tell him right away before it somehow leaks to the press. He should hear it from me. I've got to call him.”
“No, this is a special moment in life you should tell him in person. Men always react badly to that sort of thing on the phone.”
I nodded at her and thought about everything. We said our 'have a nice days' and each went our separate ways. I was still smiling like people do in commercials.
I went right to the phone. I needed to talk to him. I had to tell him everything. Sharing everything with him had just come so natural.
His phone was shut off. I waited a bit and tried again. I was thinking about buying him a pair of tiny baby booties and sending him one with express mail. Would he like something like that? No, he would call yet today and I couldn't keep something this big to myself.
I tried calling him a couple of times but I couldn't reach him. I felt like I would just burst if I didn't tell him right away. I called the airport and booked a one way flight to him. I would try to call him again on the way but I had to tell him now. I wanted him to tell me how happy he was and that this was what he wanted too.
I parked in long term parking just in case. He would want to see that I was properly feed, especially now that I was eating for two.
I was able to get on a plane without drawing any attention to myself. Something Ryan couldn't do anymore and the movie hadn't even started yet. But advertisements were everywhere. His picture was up on billboards. He looked great. I'd bet many a woman envied me. And I was even carrying his child too.
At the airport I had to wait awhile. So I quickly went to a newsstand and bought the latest issue of Parents' Magazine. I was glad that no one saw me doing that. I imagined Ryan reading in a tabloid that he was about to be a father.
My suitcase arrived and I carefully lifted it off of the conveyor belt and rolled it along behind me. It was already late. Ryan would say, past my bedtime. But now that I was pregnant I actually did want to live by his rules. 'Father knows best,' I smiled to myself.
Ryan would really want this. He would be worried at first because we weren't married and we didn't have a house yet, but we could get all of that accomplished in nine months.
I waited for a taxi. When it was finally my turn, I hopped in and told the driver where I needed to go.
I practiced what I was going to say. It was so late that I would be waking him up. So I practiced what I should say to a man who would probably be squinting against the light from the hall as I stood in front of his hotel room. I went through different scenarios. 'Honey, we're expecting', or 'Ryan, you really can't let a woman in my condition stand out in the cold hall' but I would probably just stand there and start crying, while he flipped out, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why was it that the whole world thought of me as being a mature grown up adult, and the one person who truly knew me, knew that I was a wreck, that had problems taking care of herself on a daily basis, was the one person who honestly loved me.
At the hotel I hurried in and went to the check-in. “Good evening. I would like to know which room Ryan Nobles is staying in.”
“I'm not privileged to hand out that information.”
“No, it's okay. I'm his girlfriend.” Soon to be wife, mother of his child, but that I kept to myself.
“He seems to have lots of those. I won't tell you in which room he is.”
I told him my name. “Maybe you saw a picture of the two of us together in the tabloids? Call him and tell him that I am here. He will say to send me up.”
“Miss, I can't tell you that.”
“Fine, then I will just have to check into the hotel for the evening. I really need to get some sleep. Just give me a simple room.”
“I'm afraid that we are all booked up for the evening.”
“Are you trying to make me cry?” It was a close thing already. Being pregnant was already starting to take its toll. I just wanted to curl up in bed next to Ryan and sleep. I was now picturing me telling him that I was pregnant, in a whisper, over my shoulder before I knocked off too tired to hear his response.
The stiff clerk guy cracked a smile but he was trying so hard not to that he looked like he was chocking. “I would be glad to call another hotel and book a room for you.”
I sighed disappointed. This just wasn't how I pictured this. “I sincerely know him personally and he wouldn't want me to sleep on the couch in the lobby. Take pity on me. I am drop dead tired.”
“I hope, I don't lose my job over this.” He picked up the phone and dialed. He let it ring and ring. “He is either fast asleep or he isn't in at the moment.”
“I suppose, he could still be filming. That would also explain why I can't reach him on his cellphone. I'll wait for him in the bar. Can you please tell him that I am there when he comes in?”
“Of course, madam.”
“Thank you.” I gave him a smile and headed to the bar lounge. I sat down in a corner booth, still a little afraid that I might fall asleep right there.
The waitress came over to me and asked me what I wanted. I told her that I wanted a tall glass of water. She looked surprised, but I wasn't looking for any trouble tonight. Nothing should take from the important news I had to tell him.
I was so thirsty that I drank my water down quickly. I was fighting to stay awake. I thought I heard Ryan's voice. I woke right up and grabbed my suitcase so I was ready to go. I hoped to be in bed in the next half hour. Ryan would understand something like that. He would probably even insist on it. It was a quarter to twelve as it was.
I looked around for him, but I didn't see him standing anywhere. That was odd.
“Did you want to pay? Are you looking for me?”
“Yes, I do.” I got my wallet out of my purse and paid her for my drink and gave her her tip. I figured it would be better to sit in the lobby that way I could see him myself when he came in.
I was about to leave when I heard him again. I turned and saw him in a suit, sitting at the bar. He had his hand on a woman's lower back. Was he filming?
I moved in closer, wishing I wasn't so tired.
“Ryan, I need you tonight just like in old times. Why don't we go up to your room and you can take care of me.” The woman whined in his ear. She was blond and beautiful and the kind of woman, one would figure he would be with.
She wasn't the brown haired little mouse of a person that I was. No, she looked interesting and like she took perfect care of herself. Her hair, her fingernails and I would guess that she watched her weight very closely. She was my opposite and his hand was still right above her bottom and she had called him, Ryan, his real name. This wasn't part of filming or running lines.
I was standing behind them staring at them like an idiot. The idiot that I was. I moved to another booth and ordered another glass of water. I paid for it right away. I didn't want to make a mistake. Ryan was my boyfriend and the father of my child. I had to wait to see what would happen next. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I couldn't hear them but I could see what they were doing. She laid her head on his shoulder and he was cuddling with her too. Where were the paparazzi now? This was something for tomorrow's headlines. They stayed for
a while but then they went to the elevators. He had his arm around her.
I should just leave and go home now, but I was still so naïve and I just didn't want to believe that truth. I followed them and watched which floor the elevator stopped at. I got in the other elevator and also pushed the fifth floor. I didn't know what I was doing. He would see me and then what would I say? I stepped out of the elevator and looked down the hall. They were going into a room together.
“In you go,” I heard him say. That was something he would have said to me too. I walked down the hall to their door. There was a tiny sitting area across from his room. I was trying to calm myself down. I used words like reasonable explanation. Benefit of the doubt was there too but then I heard giggling.
I sat down on one of the soft cushioned armchairs and just waited for what he was going to do next. Would he kick her out afterwards or would he let her stay all night? Maybe it was her room and he would come sneaking out and see me sitting here. I didn't want that to happen, but I just couldn't get up and move on either. I sat there in shock. I didn't cry or get angry. I just listened to my own thoughts.
He would dump me for someone like her, that was obvious. She didn't even have to be in bed by ten. She was a big girl, who knew what she was doing. I on the other hand didn't have a clue. I was so stupid that I was even sitting there with his baby growing in me while he was probably making my child a step brother or sister.
I thought about not telling him but I would be huge by the time the movie previewed. This wasn't what I wanted. Would he pretend that nothing was going on? I mean if I left now and went home would he call tomorrow, saying that he had to film all night and that he was sorry to have not been able to talk to me? Would he want his cake and eat it too?
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