Uncertainty
Page 7
“I can’t do this. It’s not right,” Alice picked up her purse and backed up slowly.
“I’m sorry,” Trent said, looking forlorn. “I shouldn’t have come on to you. I wanted to kiss you so badly, but not like this. Not now.”
Alice paced nervously back and forth, her eyes scanning the floor. “I can’t believe I allowed us to get so close. This isn’t me. I’m not the woman who gets drunk at a party and kisses her ex-boyfriend. I’ve been so stupid!” she cried.
Trent was taken aback. A wounded look appeared on his face. “Is that all this moment was to you? A drunken mistake? I thought it was more than that,” he said with petulance.
“It can’t be!” she yelled. “Maybe if I’d been single when I walked through these doors, we could have shared something. But I’m in a committed relationship, and we can’t go back to what we had before. It’s not possible now! I’m sorry.” She quickly walked around him and continued toward the exit.
“Alice, please!” Trent said as he reached to grab her hand.
Instead, her hand slipped away. She walked even faster, almost running to the door. Alice looked back just once as she reached the portal. Her first love was standing where she’d left him, watching her walk away for good. More tears sprang up. She turned and walked out, unsure if she could handle much more of this pain. Feeling this terrible is exactly what I deserve for being so weak. On her way downstairs, she almost sat down to cry in the elevator. Alice tried not to think about how she’d ever get to sleep that night, let alone any other night for the next week.
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Keep reading for an excerpt from Uncertainty: Volume 2
Chapter 1
The bedroom felt much colder than usual, almost like a window remained open for a cool breeze to whip through the house. A strong shiver wracked Alice’s body while she lay on her bed. She faced away from the closed door, remaining still in the fetal position. Tears slid across her face and hit the bed undisturbed; she hadn’t bothered to wipe them in an hour or so. Somewhere in the house, a door opened and closed. Footsteps sounded through the hallway and stopped in front of the bedroom door. Someone knocked lightly before saying Alice’s name.
Alice sat herself up in bed and cleared her throat before saying, “Come in.”
Her voice was something of a raspy whisper. She couldn’t speak much louder than that. The back of her head rested on the wall while she watched the door open. She was too physically and emotionally exhausted to bother standing up and opening the door.
Trent popped the door open and stuck his head into the room from around the corner, the way he liked to do when he came over. His smile faltered, and he looked quizzically at her lying there. Tears had made visible lines all down her cheeks. Her expression was one of someone who wasn’t in the present moment. Their eyes connected, but he could tell she was staring through him more than at him. Seeming to realize Alice was not okay, he quickly crossed the room and took her hands.
“Alice! What’s wrong? What happened?” he asked, almost panicking at the sight of her.
“I talked to my parents like you said I should,” she replied in a detached voice.
“They didn’t have good things to tell you?” Trent asked, but he probably knew the answer already.
“My dad said he didn’t think he could help me pay for college. He hasn’t been making enough since the divorce and his layoff. His new job doesn’t offer him a good enough pay, and he’s barely making his own expenses,” Alice stopped and sniffled a little.
“I’m sorry to hear that he’s not doing so well. What about your mom?” Trent inquired.
“My mom’s the reason I’m so upset. She told me that she can’t and won’t help me. Not even a little bit. She said she works too hard to flush money down the drain for something as pointless as my education,” her voice broke toward the end.
Trent’s face turned into a scowl. “That was a really stupid thing for her to say. She knows how much you want to go!”
“She yelled at me for even asking her. She said that I shouldn’t bother wasting time and money when I could just start working full-time after high school,” she said with melancholy.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Like college isn’t worth it? You’d make so much more money than she does if you went to school and got a professional job,” his voice rose in anger.
“Try telling that to her,” she answered. “I don’t want the life that she and my dad lived! They’ve done this since they graduated, and they were completely miserable! She worked almost 70 hours a week just to keep us from falling behind. I couldn’t do that to myself.”
“Your mom is the one who wasted her life working some dead end job instead of getting ahead. I wish she could see that you’re a different person than she was. You’re special, and you’re meant to use your brain…not get stuck in mindless work that pays only slightly better than what I make,” Trent sounded infuriated while he talked.
“Why can’t she act like a normal mom? She always treats me like I’m shit,” Alice said, as if he had any answers about her incomprehensible mother.
“I think she’s jealous. She had you as a 16-year-old, so she never got the chance to go to college or live the kind of life someone our age should have,” Trent said with more than a little insight.
“So I’m just a burden for her. I kept her from doing what she wanted, and now I’m being punished,” Alice said.
“Hey! It’s not your fault. You shouldn’t feel like you deserve any blame for the choices that your parents made when they where in high school,” he reassured her, his hands now around her face.
“You’re lucky to have parents that care about you. They’re actually able to help you out when you need it,” she said almost accusingly.
He raised his brow and pursed his lips at her attitude, ready to correct her. “No one is perfect. I barely see my dad, and my mom is just as cold and distant as yours. They may have more money, but they’re not so different from your family. You know, my mom and I get into fights all the time. She refuses to accept that I’m going to college to be anything other than a doctor or a lawyer. She thinks college is a waste unless your career is going to make you filthy rich. My parents don’t understand that happiness doesn’t come from money,” Trent brought his legs up and shifted his body, so he could sit right beside her.
“It sounds like you have a lot to deal with, too,” she said in surprise.
“Yeah, but just think. It could be a lot worse for both of us,” Trent said calmly. He put his arm around her shoulders and looked down at her adoringly.
“You’re right. I can still try for scholarships and loans. It’s not like I’ll never be able to go. My mom will eventually shut up once she sees me doing well as a designer,” Alice’s tone became lighter. “Thank you for making me feel better and for giving me the advice to ask them this soon. At least I’m prepared now for how hard I’ll have to work later. You’re probably the best thing to happen to me. Seriously.”
“No problem, baby. I love you so much,” he said as he snuggled closer to her.
“I love you even more,” Alice wiped more tears out of her eyes as she replied.
“I bet both of our parents will eat it once we’re succ
essful on our own, and we’re both happy,” Trent said.
“Exactly. Promise me that if I ever get like my mom, you’ll throw me into a sewer to live the rest of my life alone,” Alice sounded absolutely serious. “I never want to be as unhappy as she seems.”
Trent laughed deeply and said, “I promise, but I know you could never be like her. You’re too good-natured for that. Neither of us will act like our parents.”
“You think we’ll be the people we are now when we’re older?” she asked with optimism entering her visage.
“I know we will. Actually, I think we’ll be better people,” he said as he brought her closer to kiss her forehead.
“I hope you’re right,” Alice murmured, although she believed he might be.
Alice sprawled across her bed, thinking about that time in her life. Problems with her parents and her ability to confide in Trent were things that she missed. She wished she could go back to that period when day-to-day life was simpler for her. The problems Alice encountered back then seemed so trivial compared to the effects of what she’d done at the party the previous night. So much had changed in that span of time, yet she felt almost exactly the same as she did on that day five years ago. In actuality, she was much worse off this time. There was nothing else to blame for her sadness besides her own actions. She hadn’t gotten any sleep since the cab dropped her off around midnight. She knew that would happen. A restful night eluded her while she tossed and turned. Her emotions jumped from anger—directed toward herself—to heart-pounding panic. Alice wasn’t sure if or how she would tell Daniel about the kiss she couldn’t stop herself from stealing.
Would he understand what I felt? Would he want to leave me? If he did decide to go, that’s what I deserve anyway. I’ve been acting like an idiot since I got this job. Things should never have come this far.
What made her cry the most was the feeling that she would never get another taste of what she rediscovered when she let Trent in. He was the only one that made her feel like she was floating, like no one else existed. However, Alice just couldn’t allow herself to be with him again. Not when her actions had consequences on others’ lives. Now, the wound—that had only partially healed from the breakup years ago—was totally reopened. She wasn’t able to stop reliving moments from her past. Every kiss and every affirmation of love came back to her with a twist to her insides.
Alice rolled onto her side and brought her knees to her chest. Everything seemed to be falling apart around her. She had feelings for two men at the same time. One probably didn’t want to see her any time soon, and the other might feel the same way if he knew the whole story. She wasn’t sure if she could harbor the guilt following such a big secret, but the idea of losing Daniel was devastating to her as well. She’d already lost Trent to unfortunate circumstances, and now she faced the possibility of Daniel wanting nothing more to do with her. Alice felt like she was backed against a wall facing the edge of a cliff. Fear prevented her from moving in either direction, but this was her only way of moving forward.
Is this really who I am? A terrible and unfaithful girlfriend who doesn’t think about her actions? I didn’t sleep with Trent, but I did emotionally cheat on Daniel. I let something inappropriate happen because I was selfish and unprofessional.
Her return to work on Monday contained more difficulty. She had no clue how she could go on working at Jitter, where she would have to see Trent frequently. He might try to talk about what happened between them. An exponential level of discomfort may exist for both of them afterward. If they’d shown public awkwardness before, their behavior would surely set off alarm bells now. Her friends at work would know that something had changed. They were a pretty observant bunch. Alice shuddered to think about how her work might be impacted if anyone thought she were acting unprofessionally and trying to gain favors using romantic or sexual means.
Alice looked at her phone screen. It read 11:46 in the morning, and she still hadn’t eaten or gotten out of bed. She was way too exhausted to do anything, and her appetite didn’t presently exist. Finally, her eyelids began to feel heavy. Her emotions couldn’t keep her awake any longer. Alice closed her eyes and hoped that sleep would welcome her into its calming depths. Her hopes were answered as she felt herself slipping away. She was leaving harsh reality behind for only a little while, but it would be enough to let her handle the rest of the day.
Sadly, her sleep was fitful at best. The dreams didn’t extend enough kindness to take her away to a nicer place. She dreamed of situation after situation where Trent and Daniel met and talked badly about her or fought over what happened. When she finally awoke, Alice felt no better than before she closed her eyes. She blinked and rubbed furiously to rid her eyes of cloudiness before she looked at her phone again. The time was 7:09 PM.
Damn it! Daniel’s gallery showing. I’m going to be late!
Uncertainty: Volume 2 is on sale now! You can purchase it or borrow it for free with your Kindle Unlimited membership at the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Uncertainty-2-Bella-Baird-ebook/dp/B00LCDWA98/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&qid=1403955038&sr=8-15&keywords=uncertainty+2