by Saylor Bliss
“Fuck, Charlee, you slay me. I’m yours.”
I’m yours.
“I’m yours,” he murmurs against the skin of my neck as the tightly wound muscles of our bodies begin to relax and the veil of protection that surrounds us dissipates, revealing the reality of what we’ve just done. Damn it, we were doing so well up until now. When I pull away, Lucas’s eyes turn from hooded and lusty to shocked and full of shame.
“Don’t do that. Don’t be ashamed of this. I wanted this. I needed you just as much as you needed me right now, and we just happened to be in the parking lot of my photography class.”
“How do you read me so well?”
“It’s a talent . . . or a curse. I guess it all depends on how you look at it.”
“I love you, Charlee Cooper,” he says, catching me completely off guard. I don’t know how to respond to this. I wasn’t expecting it, and now I’ve sat here staring at him with my jaw hanging wide open too long to be able to tell him how I feel and have him believe me, so once again, I let my cool, calm façade save me.
“I know. What’s not to love? Now help me into my pants. I need to go grab Everly from the nursery.”
He helps me back into my jeans and shirt and somehow manages to fix my hair before letting me go. “Do you want me to wait for you so we can ride home together?”
“Sure, but you will have to bring me back in the morning. Is that okay?”
“Of course.”
Chapter Thirty
Charlee
When I walk in at the door after class, something immediately catches my attention. I'm not sure what it is at first. It's just an annoying feeling in the back of my head. I walk into the living room and see my mother on the couch. That doesn't bother me.
They're both facing the television, watching the scene unfold in front of them. That's what catches my eye and grabs my attention. There is a little girl around two or three years old running through the grass in front of an old wooden barn. I can see the field behind it and the cows grazing on the fresh green grass, but what catches my attention is the man standing before me.
My dad.
I recognize him immediately, and then I realize the little girl running around is me. There are several blue tick blood hounds lying in heaps around the yard. I seem to be running in circles around them.
My breath catches in my throat as I walk the rest of the way into the living room, my eyes never leaving the screen. I remember this day. I remember the way the sun felt against my skin and the grass under my dirty feet. I couldn’t have been more than three years old, but I remember it all of a sudden like it was just yesterday. I clutch at my chest, trying to rip it open so I can get a lungful of air in, clawing my skin in the process. Aaron notices me first and pauses the television. I’m stopped mid-stride on the screen. My face is so open and carefree, like I didn't have a care in the world. I guess I didn't.
“Charlee? I didn't hear you come in. Are you ok?” Aaron asks, coming to my side and easing me over to the loveseat. I glance at my mother, and for a minute, I just take her in. It's almost like I’m seeing her for the first time. She looks worried, and I can tell she wants to rush to my side and comfort me in any way possible, but she doesn't want to push herself on me. I can't thank her enough for that.
“Press play,” I tell him. I already know what happens next. I could tell you word for word right now as the scene plays through my mind. How did I forget this? Why? He looks at me one more time before picking up the remote and pressing play.
My feet hit the ground on the screen, and I’m running off again. Then I hear her calling my name. “Charlee. Charlee, come back over, baby. Come say it again for me.” I remember her asking me over and over for the same thing that day as she recorded me. I didn't mind. At the time, it was my favorite word. I planted my dusty bare feet in front of her and squatted a little as I sucked in a lungful of air before rising and saying, DOOOOOOG. I pushed the word through my body, starting at the back of my heels and swinging forward on my legs as it came to an end.
She’s laughing behind the camera. Everyone thought it was the cutest thing in the world to hear me say dog. I didn’t understand it then, but now, watching myself on the screen, I can't help but smile. My dad steps up behind me and lifts me in his arms as he walks toward the camera.
“Did you make Momma laugh again?” he asks me as we near her. I nod my little head up and down. “I bet I can make Charlee laugh,” he says, poking me in the side with his fingers, tickling me. I'm squirming against him, begging Momma to save me. Moments later, she does, passing the camera to my dad and taking me in her own arms. He turns it and zeros in on us both. Me and my mother.
I knew what I would see before it quit playing, but that didn't stop the way my heart leapt in my chest when I viewed it. All these years, I thought she left me and Aaron in Arizona when we were babies, yet here was proof that she didn't. I remember the house on the screen. It belonged to my dad's friend, Pumpkin. We still go by there every once in a while, or we did before Dad got sick. My mother lived in Alabama.
“How?”
“I don't understand, Char. What do you mean?” Aaron asks, concerned. I can't help but laugh at that. He thinks he can't understand? If only he could crawl inside my head for just a minute, then he would understand confused.
“I . . . I thought . . . I don't know, Aaron,” I finally say.
“You don't remember any of it, do you, Charlee?” my mother asks from her seat on the couch. She has been watching me this entire time. I'm honestly surprised she stayed quiet this long. I'm not, however, surprised by her accurate intuition. It seems she is just able to read me in ways no one else ever has.
“No. No, I don't. I remember this now that I see it, but I don't understand it,” I say.
“Aaron, do you have any of those family albums?” she asks my brother.
“Yeah. Why?” he asks.
“Can you grab them? I think they will help.” He doesn't ask any more questions before leaving the room. A few minutes, later he's back with three large picture albums in his hands. I see him blow the dust off them, letting me know they have been stored away for a while. He passes them to her and then sits next to her on the sofa. Since I can’t see what’s in the albums without moving closer, I get up and sit on the other side of her.
“How long were you there?” I ask her.
“Not long. I know you remember some of it now, but the truth is that I wasn’t a good mother for you or Aaron. I was toxic back then, and the best thing I could do was leave you.”
“And Matt?”
“Matt too. Even if I wanted to have gone back for him, Granny T wouldn’t have allowed it. I left him once, and that was enough. I was lucky she let me come through and see him as often as she did.”
“I see.”
We look through pictures for at least two hours. My brother gets up and goes to cook supper at some point, but we don't stop. She tells me the story connected to each picture in the books. There are at least three hundred photos of us in there. Over half of them contain my mother. The half that doesn't have her in them, she is taking the photo. I can't wrap my head around it. It's like my whole life has a big fat lie. One my own mind created for some God awful reason. To protect me? Maybe. Either way, I felt like I had lost half of my life.
“So if you were a part of our lives, then why did you kidnap us?” I ask her. Her eyes widen in shock, and for a moment, she just stares at me like she’s trying to process my question.
“I didn't kidnap you, Charlee.”
“What? Yes, you did. I remember you picking us up from school.”
“Yes, baby. I did. I picked you both up, but your dad knew I was getting you. He agreed to it. I had his signed release at the school the day I checked y’all out.”
My chest is heavy. Sharp pains are shooting across it under my breast bone. I'm taking normal breaths. I know that I am. I’m telling myself to breathe air through my nose, hold it for half a second, and push it
back out. It's not enough. My chest is tightening, and even though I know that I'm breathing in air, it's not good enough. It isn't filling me, satisfying me. I inhale differently, yawning, trying to suck in a deep, fulfilling breath this way. It doesn't work. Nothing is working. The back of my throat is dry, and my jaw aches from clenching my jaw . . . I think.
I can hear my mother yelling for my brother in the background of my mind. I try to focus on that, to pull myself closer to her voice, but I can't break the surface. I need a bigger breath. My brain isn't happy. Everything is getting on my nerves, irritating me. My hair is falling across my face and I shove it backward. Sweat is collecting on my brow now. I swipe at it with my hands. My chest is still too heavy. Tears burn behind my eyes, refusing to be ignored, but I know if they start falling, they won't stop, and then I'll start hyperventilating, panicking over the fact that I can't breathe. I close my eyes and try to picture my happy place like my therapist said. A meadow by the stream, birds flying overhead, but all I see is my mother standing at the counter of the school signing my checkout form. Funny. This time, I recognize her.
Stars swim before my eyes, and then I'm falling backward . . . backward into nothing. My body, having been starved of oxygen for too long, did the only thing it could to do. It shut down, forcing me unconscious as a natural reflex.
I faint.
I wake the next morning before dawn and lie there in bed, debating on whether I want to go to class. I pull my phone from my pocket and scroll to Lucas’s text from last night. I told him it had been a long evening with the family and I was going to bed early. It was mostly true.
After I had come back around from my minor fainting spell, Mom, Aaron and I sat down and talked about everything. I learned that my mother was telling the truth about having my dad's permission to take us. But he clearly didn't say she could keep us as long as she had, and when he came to South Carolina, he was coming for me and my brother. At that point, she did run with me. Just me. I still had a hard time coming to terms with everything I was told last night, and I think at that point, both of them could tell I needed a break, so we ate dinner and I excused myself for bed.
Me: You up?
Lucas: Yes.
Me: I don't think I wanna go to class today.
Lucas: Everything ok?
Me: I guess so.
Lucas: Get dressed. We can hang out together today.
Me: Kk
An hour later, I'm dressed and waiting for Lucas to pull the car around in the drive. Twenty minutes after that, we are pulling up at Everly’s daycare and I’m kissing my baby girl goodbye for the day. I don’t know what we plan on doing today, but for just this once, I need some me time.
It seems like just seconds have passed and we are pulling back up at home. My nerves are getting the best of me. The last time I was here all alone with him, we ended up naked together in the shower. I wouldn't mind a redo of that, but today I just feel like I need to chill. My head is pounding in time with my heart, and if I don't eat something soon, I think I may hurl.
Lucas leads me inside and makes me a comfy spot on the couch, then he turns on Netflix and passes me the remote. “You want eggs and bacon, or a bagel and cream cheese?”
“Can I have all three?” I ask sheepishly. What can I say? I'm really, really hungry.
His laughter fills the air, making me smile. I don't think I'll ever tire of hearing it. “Yes. Yes, you can,” he says, leaning in to kiss me softly on the lips. He pulls back before things get too heavy, leaving me alone with the remote and my thoughts. The logical side of my brain tells me that I should have gone to class. This morning, when I woke up with my head pounding, I knew that I wouldn't be able to suffer a day of class.
Last night had been brutal. It was an emotional rollercoaster that I hadn't bought the ticket for. I had been ripped open and then jaggedly sewn back together. Nothing fit back where it was supposed to go. Nothing made any sense anymore. It was like waking up to realize I had been living as a stranger in my own life. Now I was forced to question every memory I had, evaluate it and wonder whether I was subconsciously neglecting something valuable.
Lucas appears with my heaping breakfast, and I spend the next twenty minutes telling him everything that happened last night in between bites of food. He listens carefully, never interrupting me, until I rehash it all and fall silent. I wish he would say something. Anything. At the very least, tell me I'm not crazy.
He doesn't.
Just when things are starting to become uncomfortable and I’m questioning the fact I told him anything at all, he pulls me into his lap and wraps his long, strong arms around me. “I know it may be hard to believe, but you can overcome anything life throws at you, Charlee. I know. I’ve had my fair share of stuff to overcome in life too. Up until the age of ten, I lived in hell on earth. I'm not joking. Not even a little bit.”
“Ten? Why ten?” I ask.
“Because when I turned ten, I became homeless, and no one could hurt me anymore.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Lucas
Thirteen years ago
I turned ten years old today. It's hard to believe. Glancing at the clock on the top of my tall oak dresser, I see it's 11:56. Four minutes left until my first double-digit birthday disappears. I have been looking forward to this particular birthday for a long time. It took me ten years to get here, but now I am on the home stretch. Eight more years until I can legally leave home, but I only plan on waiting another five or six at most. The sooner I can leave, the better.
I wouldn't regret leaving the least bit. The only person I'd be leaving behind is my mother, and in her eyes, I don’t even exist. At least, not until she needs to blame me for something else. She didn’t even say Happy Birthday to me today. All she did was sit on the couch, smoke something that smelled funny, and drink her dark brown stuff. It didn't bother me, really. The best gift she could give me was space and freedom, the same thing she had given me for the last four birthdays.
Ray, her boyfriend, got home not too long ago. I heard him screaming at her about there not being any food in the house to eat. No duh, Ray. She screamed back at him, lying and saying that I ate it all. This was not true. The last time I had eaten was two days ago, and that was only half a peanut butter sandwich Molly, the girl next door, had snuck me. My tummy hurts so bad from the lack of nourishment, but I know better than to ask her for food. I made that mistake once and ended up with a huge, bloody gash on my cheek when she slapped me across the face. Her long, fire engine red nails sliced against my cheek.
“You’d better start making a plan with that boy, Claire! You know how I feel!” Ray’s voice thundered through the house. I cowered in the farthest corner of my bedroom, knowing what was coming next and not being able to do anything to stop it. I clutch Mr. Winkles to my chest, praying tonight will be different. Molly gave me Mr. Winkles for my birthday. He was her favorite teddy, but she wrapped him up in newspaper and gave him to me. She told me he would protect me. I knew this wasn't true, but I didn't have the guts to tell her that.
Mr. Winkles can’t protect me.
No one can.
Molly is the only person who knows about my punishments. I made her pinky promise not to tell anyone, even when I secretly wished she would. For just over a year, Molly has been my best friend—my only friend, since I wasn't allowed to go to school and meet new people. Mommy says only dumb kids have to go to school. I don’t know if that's true or not, but Molly goes and she is the smartest girl I’ve ever known. She knows things I didn’t even know existed. She told me once that if you mixed blue and red colors, it will give you purple, and she was right! So maybe school is for dumb kids and they teach you stuff so you can be smart. I wish I could go to school.
I clutch Mr. Winkles to my chest tighter, closing my eyes while I pray that Ray won’t see me here in the corner. I hear his footsteps coming, getting closer. My door swings open and hits the wall with a loud thud. Although my room is dark, I can still see him standing
in the doorway with his fists already in balls.
“Where are you, you little shit?” I try and make myself even smaller, but it’s no use. He sees me and walks over to me, grabbing me up by the shirt and throwing me across the room. My head hits the wall, and I see black spots in front of my eyes. Something wet is running down my back. I try and move my arms, but it hurts too much. Instead, I just lie still with my eyes closed and take the kicks like a superhero. I don’t move. I have learned that the quicker I stay still, the quicker he leaves. After what feels like hours, he walks out the door. I let the tears stream down my face. Not only because of the pain I am in, but because Mommy allows him to hurt me like this. Why doesn’t she stop him?
Quietly, I crawl to the bathroom to go clean up my face. I don’t want them to see me cry. There’s blood all over my face. New tears are now falling down my cheeks. While I clean myself up, Mom and Ray start their screaming all over again. I leave what’s left of the blood on my face and run back to my room. I grab Mr. Winkles off the floor and crawl into my bed. I don’t care about the blood on my pillow. I just don’t want to be hit again.
I think of Molly as I try to fall asleep. If Molly saw me now, I am sure she would have told her mommy.
“Wake up, Lucas. Happy Birthday, son. Come on. We are going for a drive.” Wait. I must be dreaming. My mom never says Happy Birthday to me, and I never get to leave the house. I close my eyes again and carry on sleeping.
A tug on my shirt startles me awake. Ray has his hand wrapped around my wrist, dragging me to the car. I have Mr. Winkles clutched under my arm, refusing to let him go. I turn around, searching to see where my mom is. Walking silently behind us, I see the tears streaming down her face. She has that brown stuff in her hand again. Maybe it tastes bad. Maybe that’s why she is crying. Ray throws me onto the backseat, and I scurry away from him to the other side of the car, trying to get as far from him as possible. I don’t want him to hurt me again.
