by Saylor Bliss
Mom climbs into the car and starts driving. Every now and then, I hear a faint whisper. I think she is talking to herself. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she repeats over and over again.
It must be very late, because there are almost no cars on the road. We have been driving for a long time. I don’t want to sleep anymore. Me, driving with Mommy somewhere is a new thing. A little bit of excitement is building inside me. My tummy feels like I have a bird stuck inside it. The wings flap up and down. I think Molly once said it was called ‘Moths in my tummy’ or was it flies? No, it was butterflies. I have butterflies in my tummy.
I rub my tummy in circles, wanting the feeling to go away. “Mommy, where are we going?” Not speaking for a long time made my voice sound like a frog croaking. I giggle a little at the thought. Imagine having a frog in your throat. That’s so gross. It’s all slimy and full of warts. Ew.
“Keep quiet, Lucas.” Her words are stern, but her voice is soft. I see her wipe away the tears every now and then.
Holding Mr. Winkles close to my chest, I fall asleep once more.
*******
Someone is shaking me awake. My head hurts. The light is too bright. Squeezing my eyes shut even more, I reach up to touch my head. It stings when I touch it. There must be a new cut on it. Then I remember how Ray hurt me. I open my eyes slowly, hoping that his face will not be the first thing I see.
It’s not. I see trees. Dead trees. A bird flying to its nest. I am cold. So, so cold. I sit up and look at my surroundings, and that's when I realize no one is shaking me. It's me shivering from the cold ground seeping into my body. I am in a park, I think. I look around, searching for Mommy, but she is not here. I am all alone. The sun is not up all the way yet. I see it peeking over the hills in the distance. Mr. Winkles is still clutched under my arm, and a thin blanket lays over me. It’s dirty—very dirty—and it smells like a rotten potato. I have never seen this blanket before. I quickly shrug out of it and stand. My legs are wobbly, probably from sleeping on the ground in the park.
From around a corner, an old man is walking toward me. He smiles when he sees me. I look around again to see if he is looking at someone else, but there is no one else here. Walking backward away from the man, I stumble over a rock and land on my bottom. I feel blood on the back of my leg running down my calf. I hold onto my new wound and cry again. The old man is now running toward me.
“Are you okay, son?” He kneels in front of me, pulling my leg into his lap, inspecting the damage. He reaches in the bag he’s carrying, pulls out a napkin, and presses it against my leg. I start pulling away, but he holds onto it firmly.
“It’s okay. I won’t hurt you.” He wipes up the blood and gives me his hand to help me up. Hesitantly, I take it. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a piece of bread. He breaks it in half and offers me a piece. I shake my head no, but my tummy betrays me by growling very loudly. With that, I groan to myself and take the bread from him.
“Who are you?” I ask him while chewing the not so fresh bread. But it’s the first thing I have eaten in three days. It tastes like heaven.
“So you can talk. My name is Henry, young man,” he answers me mid-chew. I stick out my hand to him for a handshake, the way I remember seeing another man do a long time ago.
“I’m Luke . . . Lucas. Mommy calls me Luke. Hey, have you seen my mommy?” Maybe he knows where she is.
“Umm . . . well no. I’m sorry. If you want to, I will sit here with you and wait for her.” Henry is nice. He smells like the blanket and his eyes look empty. Well not empty, empty, but they look like he is missing the spark in his eyes.
“That would be great. Thank you, Uncle Henry.” Henry bursts out laughing, tears leaking from the corner of his eyes.
“Kid, you can just call me Henry. I might be old, but no one has ever called me Uncle.” Before Ray became mommy’s friend, she would bring a lot of different guys to our house. Sometimes, if I was home, she’d introduce me to them and tell me to call them Uncle so and so. “Why are you crying, Unc—umm . . . Henry? Did I say something to make you sad?” Henry looks at me and smiles.
“No, Lucas. Those were tears of laughter. You are such a good kid. I don’t know how she could do this to you.” As those last words escape his mouth, his head jerks to the side, trying to see if I picked up on them.
“Who did what to me?” I may only be ten, but I’m not stupid. Molly taught me a lot of things from her school, but I also learned a lot from the life I have lived with my mommy. For instance, I know he didn’t mean to say what he just said.
“No one, kid. I’m old. I say things that don’t make sense.” I know he is lying, but I leave it alone for now. I know he will tell me eventually. Besides, we are waiting for Mom to come get me. Then Henry can tell me.
“Hey, is that your blanket I slept under?” I know Henry is homeless. I can see it in his clothes and in the food he brought us. He is kind of dirty, and he smells.
“Yeah, it is. You were shivering during the night, so I gave mine to you.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and then quickly pulls it away when I flinch away from his touch.
“Sorry,” I tell him, not wanting him to think it's something he did, but really not wanting to explain why I did it. “Thanks for the blanket. What did you use?”
“Don’t worry about me, kid. I have my own ways of staying warm. You needed it more than I did. Winter is only starting now. It’s going to be much colder soon. We need to go find me a place to stay. Do you want to help me look for a place?”
Mommy would be back soon. I can’t move from this spot. This is where she left me. This is where she will find me.
“Nah, thanks anyway. I need to wait here for my mom.” Henry shakes his head, gets up, and walks away.
The sun is starting to set and my hunger pains have come back. I had to pee in the bush behind me. I didn’t know where the toilets were, and I couldn’t hold it anymore. Now I am also thirsty. I don’t see any taps where I can get some water. I haven’t seen Henry the whole day. He left his blanket, so I know he will come back. My heart is starting to hurt. Where is Mommy? What if something bad happened to her? Tears are forming in my eyes again, but I swallow them back. I don’t want red eyes when Mommy sees me again.
It’s very dark now. The park is silent, and I am scared and cold. I wrap Henry’s stinky blanket around me again. The shorts and short sleeved shirt I am wearing are just not warm enough.
Henry rounds the corner again. I have never been this happy to see a stranger. “Well, hello there, kid.” He has another bag in his hand. I practically hop up and down with excitement. He must have something in that bag that I can eat. As if he hears my thoughts, he sticks his hand in it and pulls out a half- eaten piece of meat.
“I know it’s not much, but at least it is something. Eat up, Lucas. You are going to need it.” He hands me the meat and I eat it as if I haven’t eaten in years. It tastes so good. Henry watches my every move. Only then do I realize he doesn’t have another piece for himself. I ate everything without offering some to him. He shared his food with me, and I did not share mine with him. I hang my head in shame and wipe my dirty hands on the blanket—again, not thinking about the fact that it does not belong to me.
“I’m sorry.” I hiccup the words.
“Why you worry?” Lines crease his forehead when he squints his eyes up.
“I didn’t share with you. I’m sorry, Henry. I’m so hungry, I didn’t even ask you if you ate already.” He pats me on the back again with a smile plastered on his face.
“You never have to worry about me. I promise. I will take care of you, kid. You don’t need to take care of me.”
“My mommy will take care of me! I don’t need you to. I want my mommy!” I jump up and start running into the trees. My mommy has to be here somewhere.
“Lucas! Lucas, son, come back!” I can hear him calling out to me, but I don't stop running. I just want my mommy!
Out of breath, I lean against a tree
and cry all my tears away.
My mommy is not out here. She is gone. Something inside of me breaks . . . my heart, I think. My mommy is gone, and I am starting to think she is not coming back.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Charlee
I feel like all I have done for the last two months is cry. I'm so sick of crying, but so thankful that I can feel enough to do it. It’s so hard for me to understand how a parent could abandon her child that way. Just drop him off and leave him, not knowing if he would live or die. My chest aches. My heart is shattering for the little boy left all alone in the middle of an abandoned park in the middle of the night. I want to take away all the hurt and pain she caused him and cocoon him in warmth and shower him in all my love.
“I'm sorry, Lucas. I had no idea,” I say, turning my head into his chest and wrapping my arms around his neck. I can't believe the amazing man he has turned into despite his horrible start in life. The amount of love I feel for him seems to increase everyday with every single fact I learn about him. The way he holds me, caring for me, loving me just makes me fall for him more and more until I don't know where he stops and I begin. The similarities between our childhoods is startling. It never crossed my mind that someone out there had lived through something similar to my own life before. I shut myself off from the world and pretended like I was all alone in my pain.
“It's okay, Charlee. Honestly. I didn't tell you any of that to make you feel bad for me, or to try to pretend that what you're dealing with isn't tragic, because it is. I had to tell you all of that so that you could fully understand what I'm about to tell you now.”
He pulls back, lifting my head off his chest and staring me in the eyes. He captures my attention and holds it, making sure I am listening to what he feels he needs to say.
“Every day, I wish for the chance to see my biological mother again. Just once. I know that’s hard to believe, but I need her to see me. I need to tell her how much I still love her and thank her for the selfish sacrifice she made all those years ago. I want to hug her neck and tell her that I forgive her.”
“How can you say that, Lucas? After everything?”
“Because, Charlee, if she hadn't done what she did that night, not only would I probably be dead, but I wouldn't have had the chance to meet the woman I call my mom or to hold my son. I never would have met or fallen in love with you. Neither of us would be here right now. Her decisions in life set me on the path that led me straight here. I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world.”
“I know this is hard for you. You feel lost inside of yourself and you don't know which way is up. I get that. I swear I do, baby, but you have been given the second chance I wish I had. Don't waste it. I know how much easier it is to shut down and bury the pain. I did it for many years. But that's not living, Charlee. That's surviving, and you are so much better than that.”
“It's just so hard!” I say, letting the sobs break through the wall I trapped them behind. The fact that he can see me hiding and say just the right thing to make me want to stop shows how good he is for me. I can't promise him that things will be okay between my mom and me, but I can promise to try, and I do right before I capture his mouth with mine. This time, the kiss isn't sweet and slow. It's hard and fast. My kiss is an attempt to force everything away, even for just a few minutes. I need to let it all go.
“Make love to me, Lucas, please. I need you.”
He doesn't argue or make me beg. His body is so finely in tune with my own that I believe he feels what I feel. He knows what I need right now, and he doesn't hesitate to give it to me. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he lifts me up off the couch and carries me to his bedroom, where he lays me gently on the edge of the bed. I sit up, letting my legs fall to the floor, and pull him closer to me with the hem of his shirt. He leans over, kissing me sweetly on the mouth as I work his shirt up, kissing along his rock hard stomach. Chills break out along his skin as I trail my tongue along the ridges of his abs before he pushes me back on the bed. He lifts his shirt and tosses it across the room before kneeling between my legs and teasing his tongue up the soft skin along my stomach, taking my shirt higher and higher until he reaches the strap of my black lace bra. I lift off the bed a little and let him pull it over my head and toss it to the side with his own.
My hands can't get enough of him. I trail them all along his back, loving the way his muscles bunch beneath my fingertips. His mouth captures mine again, hot and greedy. All thoughts leave me. I'm rubbing against him now and groaning in his mouth when I feel his swollen erection pressed firmly against me. I need him inside of me NOW. My hands slip to his waist, where I deftly unbuckle his pants and slide them as far down as I can from my position underneath him.
“Please,” I beg. He pulls back, squatting on his heels, and yanks my jeans down, taking my panties with them. His eyes rake over my naked body squirming beneath him. I flush, embarrassed by the uninhibited desire I see reflected in his gaze, and then he lowers his mouth to my stomach again and begins alternating between kissing and licking down my body until he reaches my center. All thoughts fade when his mouth touches me there. I moan deeply into the back of my throat and try to find something to grab hold of.
I'm on the edge, about to explode. All it will take is just one more gentle suck on my sensitive nub, and I will be spiraling out of control. I want him inside of me before it happens. Releasing the bed sheets, I grip his shoulder and pull him from his position between my legs. He slips his pants the rest of the way down after pulling a condom from his wallet. He tosses the empty wrapper to the side and rolls the rubber shield down his bulging length before centering it against my slick opening. I close my eyes, waiting for him to pierce me, but he hesitates. I open my eyes to find him gazing down at me. He pushes the hair from my face and cups his hand around my jaw while looking deep into my eyes . . . into my soul.
“Je t’aime, Charlee Cooper.”
Tears fall from my eyes, unbidden by me. I nod my head up and down, wanting more than anything to feel him inside of me right this moment. He obliges willingly, sliding deep inside me, impaling me, filling me. Moments later, I’m teetering on the edge once more. There is no stopping it this time. I roll with waves of passion as they course through me, shaking me to my core.
“Lucas!”
I yell out as I clench around him as he shudders within me, joining me as we spiral out of control. He falls across me, resting on his elbows on each side of my head. My chest is still rising and falling rapidly as I try to catch my breath. He slips out of me and trails tiny kisses down the side of my face.
“I love you, baby.”
I fall asleep moments later, still wrapped in his arms. I know there is a lot of shit I still need to work through at home, and I will, but right now, this is what I need more than anything else. To be held and loved.
“I love you, Lucas,” I whisper just as the darkness claims me.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Lucas
Watching her sleep has become one of the things I look forward to. Her guard is down, and she has an almost ethereal look when she's asleep. Ethereal? Who even uses that word? What the hell is wrong with me? I shake myself from my self-induced madness and smile. She shifts slightly, curling into her pillow, and releases a deep breath. I snuggle up close and wrap my arm around her waist, kissing her softly on her cheek. She smiles, and her eyes open slightly as she whispers, "Hi."
"Hi, yourself," I softly murmur into her ear, laying my head on her chest. She closes her eyes, and I lie there listening to the slow, steady strum of her heart. Before I even realize it, the sun is high in the sky, announcing midday, and the bright rays are beginning to trickle through the curtains. I’d planned on taking her to the dugout today and showing her around the stadium, but somehow, my plans veered off course.
I pull her as close to me as possible and close my eyes, allowing her breathing to lull me to sleep.
The soft click of the bedroom door startles me, and I rol
l over to find I'm all alone in the bed. Lying on my back, I push my hair out of my face and shake my head.
Climbing out of bed, I pull on my shorts and stumble down the hallway. The smell of bacon begins to fill my nostrils, and I laugh at the fact that I thought she had left. "Good morning, sunshine," she says as I come into the kitchen. "You hungry?"
I nod and fill a glass with some orange juice. "Smells amazing."
"Why thank you. I told you I could cook."
"Well, what do you know? She’s cute, sassy and knows her way around the kitchen," I tease. She points her spatula at me with a serious look on her face, but it doesn't last. The corners of her mouth begin to pull up as she fights the smile playing on her lips.
"Don't be an asshat," she retorts, turning back to the stove.
I laugh because I don't know what else to do. She turns her head and cuts her eyes at me. "Don't make me—" she starts to say as I rush over to her, pressing her against the refrigerator.
"Don't make you what?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.
She opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out.
"Wow. That's a first. You're speechless. Amazing." She pushes me away with a smile and turns back to the frying pan. A sudden smack on the ass makes her jump.
"Are you done?" she asks.
"Yeah." She nods, turning to look at me one more time when I sit down. She hands me a plate and sits across from me.
"Well, how is it?"
"It’s ok."
"Just ok?" she asks.
"Yeah." I can see the red creeping across her cheeks, and its fucking adorable.
"Chill, girl. I'm just messing with you." She nods slowly, biting her top lip.
"It’s delicious. I could get used to this."
Chapter Thirty-Four
Charlee
It's two in the afternoon and class is about to let out, so I need to run and pick Everly up from daycare. I feel bad about leaving her there and then skipping class, but I needed today for me and my own mental health. I feel better—more centered—and I know if I am in my best shape, then I’ll be more adept to care for her.
