Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘This is lovely,’ she told him.

  ‘Excellent. I’ll get you another when you’ve finished that one.’ He was drinking beer and very quickly downed his first pint.

  ‘So, we were going to talk about my future?’ Ruth said.

  ‘We’ll talk later. Over the meal. Now, are you ready for another?’

  ‘Well, perhaps one more. Thank you. Can I buy one for you?’

  ‘Of course not. I don’t take a lady out and expect her to pay for anything. Drink up. Then we’ll go and eat.’

  By the time she had drunk her second port and lemon, she was feeling distinctly woozy. He led her into the dining room and she looked at the array of knives and forks in alarm. Which one should she use? She decided to watch him and see what he did.

  ‘We’ll have two of your steak and kidney pies with all the trimmings,’ he said. ‘If that’s all right with you?’

  ‘That’s fine. Thank you.’

  The waiter went off into the kitchen and he asked if she liked wine.

  ‘I’ve never tried it. But I really don’t want any more to drink. Except maybe some water. I feel rather thirsty.’

  ‘Leave it with me. I’ll order us a bottle of red and I’m sure you’re going to like it. I’ll ask for some water too, so don’t worry. Now, enjoy your meal.’

  Chapter Three

  Ruth enjoyed her pie and they were talking easily. She had forgotten about her job and who he was and felt as if she was out with a friend. The red wine she wasn’t sure about but after one glass, she found she could almost begin to enjoy it.

  ‘Now then, love, what about a pudding?’ Mr Steele asked.

  ‘Oh, I don’t think so. I’m quite full after that pie. It was very nice though.’

  ‘What about an ice cream? That won’t be filling. Besides, it will give me the chance to have something.’

  ‘Oh, all right then. What a treat.’

  ‘I wanted you to enjoy yourself, love.’

  ‘Well, thanks a lot. It a lovely place, isn’t it?’

  ‘I like it. It’s quite reasonable too.’ He ordered a portion of steamed syrup sponge which he seemed to consume in seconds. He then sat back and licked his lips. After they’d both finished their pudding, he left her sitting at the table and went to pay. She felt totally relaxed and at ease. Whatever one thought of him, Mr Steele was a very good host. She had quite forgotten the purpose of the evening was to talk about her future. He came back to the table and asked if she was ready to leave.

  ‘Thank you very much, Mr Steele. I’ve really enjoyed myself.’

  ‘Call me Graham. Mr Steele sounds so formal when we’ve enjoyed our evening together.’

  ‘Okay. But not at work. I wouldn’t be comfortable with calling you… Graham.’

  ‘Okay. Well, as long as you remember when we’re on our own. I’d like it very much, Ruth.’

  They went out to the car and set off. Not knowing quite where they were, she didn’t notice they were driving in the opposite direction to the one they’d arrived by. He pulled off the road and into a small copse of trees.

  ‘Where are we?’ she asked, still feeling very woozy.

  ‘Just stopping for a pee. I should have gone in the pub. Excuse me for a moment.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’ She sat there watching him. Then she looked away, embarrassed by the sight. He got back into the car and leaned over her. His arm snaked round the back of her seat and he bent his head to kiss her. It was all very sudden and she found she couldn’t say a word. His hands were suddenly everywhere.

  ‘Stop it, Mr Ste… Graham.’

  ‘Oh, I can’t resist you, you naughty little thing. Come on, you really don’t mind, do you?’ It wasn’t exactly a question as he was busy fondling her breasts and kissing her at the same time.

  ‘Please, stop,’ she managed to mutter between her mouth being covered by his.

  ‘Oh, you sly vixen, getting me all excited. You know you don’t mean it. You want me as much as I want you.’

  It was difficult in the front seat of his car. Each time she tried to wriggle away, a new bit of something else stuck in her legs or her buttocks. His hands tugged at her pants and, to her horror, she realised he’d practically ripped them off. Ruth seemed to feel herself drowning, out of control and hopelessly lost. She knew drinking alcohol had been the partial cause and vowed amidst her anguish that she would never drink again. Then somehow, he was inside her. It had hurt as he’d pushed himself in. In the dark, she hadn’t seen what he was doing but knew enough to understand she had been penetrated and he was now pumping away until he finally had his release. She lay supine, helpless and completely powerless to help herself. He pulled himself out of her and laughed.

  ‘There now. That wasn’t so bad was it?’ She made no reply, being quite unable to speak. ‘First time was it?’ She didn’t reply. ‘I’ll take you home now. Where is it you live?’

  ‘Welham.’ She spoke in a whisper that he could barely hear.

  ‘Never mind. You can tell me when we’re near. We’ll do this again soon, shall we?’

  She sat in her seat, shivering slightly despite it being a warm night. Ruth suddenly realised she should never have gone out with this man. After all he’d said about discussing her future, he’d only ever intended doing what he’d done. She felt thoroughly dirty and very let down. She could never tell anyone about her evening, or at least this latter part. She tried to get control of herself and breathed deeply, knowing she only had a few minutes before she would have to face her mother and father, not forgetting her twin brother. He drove into their road and asked where he needed to go.

  ‘You can drop me here. I live quite close.’ Somehow, she didn’t want him knowing exactly where she lived and certainly didn’t want there to be any chance of either Jimmy or Mabel seeing the state she was in.

  ‘Okay love. I hope you enjoyed this evening. Lovely meal, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Thanks for that,’ she managed to mumble.

  ‘Thank you for being such a charming companion. Haven’t you got a kiss for me?’ She opened the car door and got out, saying nothing more. ‘You forgot your knickers,’ he called after her.

  ‘You can bloody well keep them,’ she muttered under her breath. She went as fast as her damaged limbs would carry her and disappeared along the backs that led into her road. As soon as she knew he could no longer see her, she stopped and found herself crying. Streams of tears fell and she couldn’t stop them. She had no idea of the time and wondered if it was so late her family might be in bed. She ached between her thighs and wondered if she’d ever walk normally again. Her back hurt where it had been pressed against the car door. She leaned against the wall and, gradually, regained control of herself. She wiped her face with her hanky and straightened her hair. She even applied some lipstick and then went into their house, knowing she’d never say anything to her mother.

  ‘Is that you, our Ruth?’ called her mother.

  ‘Yes, Mum.’

  ‘Had a nice time did you?’

  ‘Not bad, thanks. Night, night.’

  She saw it was well after eleven o’clock and way past their usual bedtimes. Jimmy was not around and she quickly escaped upstairs. She heard Jimmy snoring away in his room and quickly went into her own room. Fortunately Veronica was not back yet. She undressed and examined herself. Looking in the mirror she seemed fine. Nobody would ever know what she’d suffered that evening. She wiped carefully between her legs, where there proved to be a little blood. She cried and cried, unable to stop herself. She then crept into her bed and lay awake, tears running down her face until her pillow was wet. She was wondering what on earth Mr Steele would have to say to her the next day. She dreaded it. Perhaps he’d make no mention of it and put it behind them. She really hoped so. It had been a drama she didn’t want to remember.

  At work the next day, Mr Steele was behaving as if nothing had happened, for which Ruth was very grateful. She got on with her
typing and answered him when he called her into his office for dictation. She said nothing about the previous evening, not even a thank you. Fortunately, he didn’t mention it either. She felt ashamed and humiliated and wondered how long she would be able to stand working there. With dark circles under eyes after a night spent tossing and turning, she felt very conscious of how she looked.

  After another week, she had managed to push her constant worries to one side and got on with her life and all its routines. Whenever she was alone the memory hit her and she began to cry again, wiping away her tears before anyone else could see them. She had grown quiet and seemed only to speak when Mabel asked her something.

  ‘Are you all right, lass?’ she asked one day.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine.’

  ‘Only you don’t seem to talk about work any more. You always had some tittle tattle to tell me. You’re all right there, aren’t you?’

  ‘Course I am.’

  ‘Oh our Jimmy, do you have to wash there?’ asked Mabel crossly. ‘I was just about to strain the veggies and you’ve made a right mess of the sink.’

  ‘Never mind. You’ll wash it away with the water from the tatties.’

  ‘Oh really,’ she muttered, as she poured the potato water down the drain. He was right. She had washed away his dirt.

  When they had finished, Ruth cleared it all away and set about washing up. She was making too much noise to hear her mother asking Jimmy what he thought of her behaviour.

  ‘Only she never has anything much to say any more. It seemed to start that night she went out with her boss. Has she said owt to you?’

  ‘No. Nothin’ at all. Maybe she’s botherin’ about summat. I shouldn’t worry. Now, I’d best get myself off to band practice. We’re playin’ in a competition in a week or two. Can’t let the other lads down.’ He rushed up to his bedroom and came down a minute or two later. ‘See you later. Don’t wait up. We’ll go for a pint after we’re done.’

  She went into the kitchen where Ruth was finishing.

  ‘Jimmy’s gone out. Band practice.’ Her daughter made no comment. ‘They’re in for a competition soon.’

  ‘That’s nice.’

  ‘I hope as how they win. They work hard at it.’ She paused again and looked at Ruth. ‘Come on love. You can tell me what’s up.’

  ‘Nothin’ Mum. Honest. I’m fine. Now are you ready for a cuppa? Shall I put the kettle on?’

  Mabel nodded and went through and sat down. Whatever was wrong, she didn’t know, and she worried about her daughter but wisely said nothing more.

  This routine followed for the next few weeks. Ruth wept quietly when she was in bed and did her best to keep it to herself. A couple of weeks later, Ruth knew the truth. She had come to the conclusion the worst thing possible had happened. She was pregnant. How she hated that man, that Mr Steele who’d done this to her. She kept the realisation to herself for a while until she knew her mother must have noticed her thickening waist. At least she hadn’t been sick, as some of her friends had been. She waited for a while for Mabel to say something. It seemed to take an age. At last she spoke.

  ‘You all right? Only you’re puttin’ on weight. You haven’t been scoffing sweeties have you?’

  ‘Course not, Mum’ She looked away and decided it was time she spoke. ‘Actually, I think I may be pregnant.’ She swallowed hard to keep the tears from her eyes.

  ‘Havin’ a baby? How comes?’ Ruth burst into tears and sobbed like there was no tomorrow. ‘Come on, love. That’s no way to go on. Do you know who the father is?’

  ‘Yes. It’s my boss. Mr Steele.’ Mabel’s glance hardened. Her chapel background came into play.

  ‘Then you tell him you want him to marry you. Right away. I’ll not have a bastard in my family.’

  ‘He’s already married,’ she sobbed.

  ‘Ya daft mare. How could you? How could you let him do it to you?’

  ‘I didn’t get much choice in the matter.’

  ‘What? You mean he… he raped you?’

  ‘I suppose he did.’

  ‘When exactly did that happen?’

  ‘The night he took me out for a meal.’

  ‘Bloody hell. That’s weeks ago.’

  ‘I know. Oh Mum, what am I going to do?’

  ‘Challenge him with it. Tell him you want money. If he can’t marry you, at least he can pay for the baby.’ She had a firm idea of what was right and this certainly wasn’t right.

  ‘You’re quite right. I know you are. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.’

  ‘You see you do. Shall I make us a cuppa?’

  ‘I’ll do it.’

  ‘Nay lass, you stay where you are. It won’t hurt me.’ Shaking her head, she went into the kitchen angrily. Ruth realised her mother was trying to do something for her. She must have felt something at least. She came back with a mug of tea and handed it to her daughter, which was how she always thought of the adopted girl.

  ‘I don’t know what your brother will say,’ she remarked.

  ‘He’ll be furious with me. Bringing shame to the family. And Paul. What on earth will he say?’

  ‘I don’t know love. I’ll think about it. Leave it wi’ me. Once you’ve spoken to that Mr Steele, we’ll see.’

  Ruth scarcely slept that night. She was dreading her encounter with the man but she knew she had to face up to him. She kept telling herself she wouldn’t be bludgeoned in any way and would make her case forcibly. It was all very well her mother telling her but she had no idea of the man and what he was capable of. It was afternoon the next day before she got the chance to speak to him. She looked pale and drawn and forced herself to go into his room. ‘I need to talk to you,’ she began.

  ‘Later, love. I’ve got to make a phone call.’ He picked up the phone and she sat firmly where she was. ‘I said later.’

  ‘This won’t wait,’ she said as boldly as she dared.

  ‘Go on then,’ he said, sounding bored.

  ‘That night you took me out. After the meal, you... you raped me.’ She swallowed hard at her own use of the word. ‘Well, I’m now pregnant. I am pregnant. I’m having your child.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You’ll never prove it. Anyway, you were hardly willing to make any effort to stop me. You obviously wanted it. So it’s nothin’ to do with me. And I’ll cause you no end of trouble if you try to plant it on me. Do you understand me? It isn’t my child. How could it be? I merely took you out for dinner to discuss your future. If you’ve laid with some lad, then it’s nowt to do wi’ me.’

  ‘But you did rape me. You know you did.’

  ‘I know no such thing. Nay lass. You’re trying to blame me for your own misdeeds. Now, go and get on with your typing. I’ve got work to do.’

  ‘But you…’

  ‘I said get out.’ His face reddened and he became angry. ‘You can go and collect your cards. I don’t want to see your miserable face again. Go on. Go and collect them right now. I’ll phone down to let them know you’re coming.’

  ‘You really are a bastard. It was you. I’ll go and see your wife and tell her about you.’

  ‘You go anywhere near my wife and I’m telling you, it’ll be the last thing you ever do.’ His face turned almost purple and he looked absolutely terrifying.

  ‘This isn’t the last of it,’ she fired at him. ‘I’m not going to let it rest.’

  ‘Everyone will laugh at you. Fallin’ pregnant with some man’s bastard child and tryin’ to blame me? They’ll all fall about laughing. I’m tellin’ ya, try this nasty little scheme of yours again and I’ll wipe the floor with you. Now get out of my sight.’ Ruth could hardly believe what he said. That he denied everything and refused to believe her was almost more than she could cope with. ‘And don’t forget your cards. You’ll need them again if ever you try to work.’

  With a huge sob, she ran out of his office and collected her bag and coat. She staggered dow
n the stairs to the main office where she collected her cards. She was almost running all the way home and arrived back at the house to find her mother talking to a neighbour.

  ‘What’s up love?’ her mother asked as she came in.

  ‘I’ve been sacked.’

  ‘What do ya mean?’ she asked.

  ‘Sacked. As in given my cards.’

  ‘But why, love?’ asked Jeannie, the neighbour.

  ‘You might as well know. I’m pregnant. Everyone’ll know before much longer.’

  ‘Eh lass. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise you were courtin’. Not like that anyway.’ She sat expecting more gossip but Ruth wasn’t prepared to give her any more information.

  ‘I’m going up to my room. I need to change.’ She left the two older women to talk about it. If her mother wanted everyone to know, it was up to her. She needed to be on her own to think about the events of the day. She had no idea of what to do next. If Mr Steele was denying the whole business, how on earth could she ever prove any of it? Maybe the baby would look like him but that wasn’t exactly likely. A baby was a baby after all and they all looked alike, didn’t they? Perhaps she should simply give up on trying to prove anything. After all, it was her word against his. Who was likely to believe her? She sank down on her bed and just sat there for over an hour. After that, she went downstairs again and saw that Jeannie had left.

  ‘What did you tell her?’

  ‘I said as how it was your boss but she wasn’t to say anything. I think she’ll keep it to herself. What exactly did he say to you? Come on then. Tell me the worst.’

  ‘He denies the whole thing. Says it wasn’t him and if I try to tell anyone it was, he’ll… well, he’ll make me very sorry. I threatened I’d tell his wife and he got very nasty at that. He said it was the last thing I’d ever do. The look on his face… well, you should have seen him, Mum. Evil he was. I’ve never seen anyone look like that before. I think he was capable of killing me. I think I’m on me own, Mum. I don’t know how I’ll manage but somehow, I have to. Our Jimmy will have to help out. I’ll never get anything from that horrible man.’