Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘I can clear stuff out. Lots of it needs chucking out anyway.’

  ‘Don’t you go chucking out anything, my lad. Your dad needs a lot of that stuff.’

  ‘Well, I’ll go and look through it all. Some of the wood will make benches down the side for people to sit on. It’ll be fine. Just you wait and see.’

  With Jimmy fully occupied with his plans, Mabel concentrated on her usual round of shopping and cooking the everyday meals as she always did. She was a bit concerned at having to do a lot for this precious party and confided her fears to Ruth.

  ‘Don’t worry, Mum. I’ll help you, of course. Let’s see what he can find before we panic.’

  ‘I just hope he doesn’t go the black market. You never know quite what they’ve got there.’

  ‘Perhaps we should give him a list of what to get. Just a few basics and then leave the rest to him. I do hope Paul will be able to come. P’raps we should invite his mum as well. Then she could see he gets the right buses.’

  ‘Isn’t he capable of finding the bus himself? I was thinking, he might like to bunk down with our Jimmy so he doesn’t have to leave early. If his mother comes too, we haven’t got room for her.’

  ‘I never thought of that. I’ll see how he is on Saturday and put the idea to him. I’m sure he’ll want to come over and another week should make all the difference.’

  When Saturday came, Ruth left home quite early and caught the bus to Longton. She stopped at the fruit and vegetable shop and found some apples she could buy for Paul. She then decided to walk to his house, mainly to give her some time to think. That she loved him, there was no doubt. But could they be married any time soon? That was the big question. It would depend on how he improved over the coming weeks. She reached his home and knocked on the door.

  ‘Hello, love. Come in,’ Mrs Jenkins invited her. ‘Paul’s not up yet. He had a bad night and slept in for a while. I’ll tell him you’re here and that will get him out of his bed.’

  ‘When you say he had a bad night, what exactly do you mean?’

  ‘He wakes up screaming. I usually go into his room and calm him down. It’s terrible how they’ve sent him back to us. I suppose we should be grateful the lads did come back but it is a bit much to cope with.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. It must be hard to live with. I wanted to invite him to come over to us next weekend. It’s me and my twin’s birthday and we’re having a party. Mum says he can stay overnight so he doesn’t have to leave early. Do you think he’d like to come?’

  ‘I really don’t know. You’d have to ask him. He might not sleep much though. Any road, I’ll go and see if he’s awake.’

  ‘No need, Mum, I’m here,’ said Paul coming into the room. ‘This is a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting you till later.’

  ‘You look much better,’ Ruth told him. ‘Your mum’s obviously been looking after you.’

  ‘I feel much better. Come here.’ He reached for her and kissed her.

  ‘Oh, Paul. I’m so pleased you’re feeling better. Come and sit down and don’t tire yourself too much.’

  ‘Don’t treat me like an invalid. I really am much better. Not yet quite ready to go to work, if I had a job, but I’m ready to make some plans.’

  ‘Plans? What sort of plans?’

  Mrs Jenkins slipped out of the room and left them alone.

  ‘Plans for our future. We talked about it before… well, before the war. Can we, I mean, will you marry me?’

  ‘Of course I will. You know I will. It doesn’t matter what happened in the meantime does it? We’re both at the same point regarding marriage or partners. I can’t think of anything I’d like better than to marry you.’

  ‘It can’t be for a while. Until I’ve got a job, I can’t even buy you a ring. And we don’t have anywhere to live, do we?’

  ‘I’m not bothered about having a ring, so don’t worry about that. Actually, I’ve got the ring Charlie gave me if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Well, I suppose if you’ve got it I could live with that for now. But we have to find a house and until I’ve got some means of paying for it, I don’t see how we could get over that.’

  ‘They’ve built a load of new homes. Prefabs they call them. P’raps we could get one of them.’

  ‘Do you think so? How much do they cost to rent though?’

  ‘I don’t know. Not a huge amount. And don’t forget I’m working. I’m sure we can afford it. Oh Paul, it’s really exciting to make these plans.’

  ‘Mum? We’re gonna get married. Ruth thinks we can get a prefab somewhere and so we’re now engaged. It’s so exciting.’

  ‘Congratulations. But you do realise how… well, how disturbed you still are? How will Ruth cope with you when you wake up in the night?’

  ‘She’ll manage, won’t you love?’

  ‘I think so. Perhaps it will get better soon.’

  Mrs Jenkins gave a sort of hmph noise and went back into the kitchen.

  ‘That went down well. Don’t worry, love. She’ll come round.’

  ‘Perhaps she’s scared of losing you again. She’ll feel very alone when we move somewhere else.’

  ‘So what are you saying? You surely wouldn’t want to live here?’

  ‘No, not really. It wouldn’t work. It would be awful the two of us both trying to look after you.’

  ‘Well, I hope I won’t need looking after for too long. So what’s been happening in your world?’ He was tiring rapidly so Ruth took over the conversation.

  ‘Oh, of course, you don’t know. Jimmy came home. It was after I left you the other night. He was home when I got back. He’s the same as ever. Anyway, he’s busy organising a party to celebrate. It’s our birthday next week so, well you’re invited to our party. You will come won’t you?’ He looked suddenly stricken.

  ‘I’d love to but I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I haven’t actually been out since I got back. It’s… well, it’s a big thing for me to do.’

  ‘I see. Would you like to go out for a little walk later? I’d be pleased to go with you if you would.’

  ‘Perhaps. I’ll see how I feel later.’

  Ruth frowned and wondered how long he was going to feel like this. She went into the kitchen to see if Mrs Jenkins needed any help.

  ‘He’s been like this since he got back. I don’t really know what to do with him.’

  ‘I’ll try to bully him into going out with me later. It’s very worrying but I suppose it’s early days yet. I really want him to come to our party next weekend but it isn’t looking all that likely, is it?’

  ‘Dunno love. I shouldn’t hold out too much hope.’

  ‘Oh dear, and just when I thought he was starting to make some plans for us. I really mustn’t hurry him. He’s been through so much. Anyway, I came to see if there was anything I could do?’

  ‘No, love. You go back and talk to him. It’s what will help him most.’ She smiled and went back into the room where Paul was sitting, looking somewhat bewildered.

  ‘All right, are you love?’

  ‘Oh Ruth. Ruth. It’s you. I wasn’t sure for a moment. I thought it might be Francine coming in.’

  ‘Francine? Was she…?’

  ‘Yes. I suddenly thought I was still in France.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’

  ‘I’m trying to forget it all. The nights the German soldiers came were terrible. Poor Francine. She never deserved that sort of treatment. They’d hidden me away, to protect me.’ Ruth saw he was crying and realised she needed to stop his memories from coming back.

  ‘It’s good you were protected. Very generous of them. They must have been good people.’ She paused for a moment and then continued. ‘Now, shall we begin to plan for our future? How about we go to see the council soon and get our names down for a prefab?’

  ‘A prefab?’

  ‘Yes indeed. You know. We talked about it earlier. There are lots of them around. Whole estates
of them. New ones are going up every week. I bet we’d qualify, you being an ex-serviceman and all.’

  ‘If you think so.’ He seemed to have sunk back into his former slump and she found it difficult to raise any enthusiasm in him for anything. It was a difficult day for Ruth. She wanted to show her enthusiasm for him being back but it was quite difficult when he was feeling so down. She ended up talking to his mother most of the time. At last, she almost demanded that he went out for a walk with her.

  ‘Come on, love. It’ll do you good. It’s a lovely day out there.’ Grudgingly, he agreed and insisted on putting on his overcoat, despite the heat. They walked along his road, while he glanced around somewhat oddly. ‘What is it? What are you looking for?’ she asked him.

  ‘I don’t know. It’s become such a habit. Looking for snipers or watching for anyone waiting to interrogate me. I’m sorry. It will get better, I promise you.’ But still, he was on the lookout all the time. After they had walked for around twenty minutes, he asked if they could return home. ‘I do feel so tired,’ he moaned.

  ‘Okay. But I want you to promise me you’ll try to walk out somewhere each day. If you can do it, there’s no reason why you have to avoid coming over to the party next week. It would mean so much to me.’

  ‘I’ll try, love. I can’t promise anything but I will try.’

  They walked back to his home and she could see the relief on his face when he went back inside. He made sure the door was firmly shut behind them and, with a deep sigh, sank back into his chair. Ruth was worried about him and went into the kitchen to talk to his mother.

  ‘I know he’s going to take some time to get back to normal. I hope you can encourage him to get out a bit each day. I somehow doubt he’s going to get to our party next week but he does need to start getting back to whatever normal used to be. I mean to say, how will he ever work again if he doesn’t?’

  ‘Work? I really don’t see how he’ll be able to do that.’

  ‘But if he doesn’t find a job, how will he manage? He needs to do that eventually.’

  ‘I suppose so. But he’s been through so much.’

  ‘I know, but no more than lots of them went through.’ She did feel so worried about him. ‘He’s very lucky compared with some of them.’

  ‘Perhaps you’re right. He just needs some motivating though. I don’t think I can do that when he looks at me the way he does.’

  ‘You’ll have to learn to be tougher. It’s for his benefit, after all. Please, Mrs Jenkins, do try.’ She was very insistent about this.

  ‘I will. I know you mean well but you’ll have to leave me to do it as best as I can.’

  Ruth smiled and went back to be with Paul. He’d fallen asleep and she felt relieved that he hadn’t been listening to what she’d said. She picked up the paper and scanned the pages quickly. Towards the end of the paper, she saw adverts for property to let. She scanned through them and saw exactly what she was looking for. A prefab, previously let to a young couple only three miles from the factory where she worked. She almost squealed with excitement, waking Paul as she put the paper down.

  ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. How rude of me.’

  ‘Doesn’t matter. Paul, I think I’ve found our new home. Look, it’s a prefab to let and it’s very near the place where I work.’

  ‘Oh yes,’ he said dully. ‘Very nice, I’m sure.’

  ‘But aren’t you interested? We could live there very easily. I could afford the rent out of my pay and once you begin to earn again, well, it will be amazing. Please say you’ll agree to look at it, at least.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. When would you want to go?’

  ‘Well, as soon as possible. We’ll miss it otherwise.’

  ‘You go and look. I know you’ll be sensible about it.’

  ‘I’ll phone them on Monday morning. I might even be able to go and see it on Monday evening after work.’ She was quite carried away with her enthusiasm and didn’t even notice Paul’s reticence. She put his lack of enthusiasm down to his condition. In her mind, they were already living there. ‘I could get a bike. It may be on the bus route but I won’t want to spend money on bus fares. Of course, I don’t know how long the factory will stay open but it’s bound to be there for a fairly long time. We should begin to think about us getting married, too. We can’t move into a new home till we are.’

  ‘Don’t rush me too much. I do want to marry you, of course I do, but I can’t even think about it yet.’

  ‘What do you mean? You don’t want me to look at this place?’

  ‘We’re not in so much of a hurry, are we? And there’s Mum to think of. What would she do if we move all the way out to… wherever it is?’

  ‘I do understand that. But it’s so handy for my work.’

  ‘Your work. Your work. What about me? Where am I supposed to work? Out in the middle of nowhere? I don’t stand any chance of getting a job.’

  Ruth sat quietly for a few moments. Her thoughts were racing as she faced the truth. She seemed to have been waiting so long for Paul. She had believed he was dead for so long, too. Now he was back she wanted to be with him, almost desperately. She felt hurt that he didn’t feel the same way. He looked at her for understanding but she felt she had used up all of that.

  ‘I’m sorry, Paul. I thought you felt the same way as I do but obviously I was mistaken. I’d better leave you to recover as well as you can and not even think about you coming over next weekend. I can see you’re a lot more troubled that I’d realised. I’ll leave you now and get home.’ She hated herself for feeling this way but it was so disappointing.

  ‘Ruth, don’t be silly. Please stay for supper, at least. I know Mum’s expecting you to eat with us.’

  ‘I think it may be better if I go now, actually.’

  ‘Really? Will you come again soon?’

  ‘I’ll be busy next weekend. Helping Mum to get ready for the party. Perhaps the following weekend.’

  ‘But Ruth, you can’t leave like this. Please stay.’

  She knew if she did stay, she’d quickly burst into tears and that would never do. She really didn’t want him to see how badly hurt she felt at his reticence to marry her, especially after he’d suggested it earlier. She tried hard to think about what he’d been through and to excuse him but it was difficult. After all, she had been through quite a bit herself, but nothing like as bad as he had been. She collected her handbag and went to say goodbye to his mother.

  ‘Aren’t you staying for a bite to eat?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m sorry but no thank you. Give it to Paul. He needs it more than I do. Bye then.’

  ‘Bye, love. We’ll see you again soon, I hope.’ She smiled and nodded and went through to Paul.

  ‘Bye then. Hope you soon feel better and do try to get out sometimes.’

  ‘Please Ruth…’

  She left the house and walked down the street towards the bus stop. Tears filled her eyes and she decided to walk into Longton to get her bus home. She wasn’t even sure why she felt so despondent. It was only a very few days since he’d come home and she was ready to make so many plans. Perhaps she had been unreasonable and made too many demands on the sick man. She realised he’d been through so many traumas and needed time to recover. She hesitated and almost turned back, but then she decided against it. She knew it would do no good at all and, in any case, she felt too ashamed to go back. She walked on and caught the bus back to Wallbrook.

  ‘Hello, love. We weren’t expecting you back this early. How’s things?’ asked Mabel.

  ‘Okay. Well, not so good. Paul’s much worse than I thought. He’s got no interest in anything much. We did go out for a walk but he wanted to get back quite quickly and then fell asleep.’

  ‘Don’t expect too much of him. Think what he’s been through.’

  ‘I know. But it hasn’t all been a piece of cake for us, either. We’ve had our problems and life hasn’t been so easy for u
s all has it?’

  ‘Not really. But on the other hand, we’ve still got a roof over our heads and none of us have gone desperately hungry.’

  ‘But that’s down to you spending most of your days queuing. And don’t forget, I got bombed out of my home.’

  ‘I know, love. So what’s really the problem?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. I saw a prefab for rent in the local paper. It’s quite close to the ROF factory. I suggested we went to look at it but he didn’t want to. Said it was too far from his mum. And when I talked about getting married, he said there was no hurry.’

  ‘And is there?’

  ‘I suppose not. Oh, Mum, I’ve waited so long for happiness. I thought it was what he wanted too. He said this place was in the middle of nowhere and he’d never get a job. I don’t see him finding anything anyway, not the way he is at the moment.’

  ‘Don’t try to rush him, love. He needs some time with his mum, obviously. Is he coming to the party next week?’

  ‘No. It’s too far from his home. I’m going up to my room. Is Jimmy home?’

  ‘Course he isn’t. He’s out looking for his mates and I doubt we’ll see him till late tonight.’

  ‘And Dad?’

  ‘He’s gone out to meet somebody or other. Said he was going to see a man about a dog. Hope he wasn’t serious. A dog’s the last thing I want.’

  Ruth went upstairs and lay down on her bed. She tried to think logically but her great need for Paul took her over. She felt tears running down her cheeks and let them roll down. She felt almost as miserable as she had when she was forced to marry Charlie.

  Chapter Twelve

  Having Jimmy home cheered the whole household. Nobody could feel depressed with such a powerful driving force around.

  ‘Right, you two, listen up. I’ve got some sausage meat promised, decent quality. Can you make that into sausage rolls? And there’s a joint of beef on its way, too. That will need to be cooked and sliced up for sandwiches. Not sure what else will arrive but be prepared.’ Mabel and her daughter listened carefully.