Trek It!

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  “T’Jerk...has...invited...Quirk...Spook...and...McClod...to...meet...it,” spoke the Iliac-replica mechanically. “You...come...or...I...will..turn...Enterprunes...into...instant...cream ...of...wheat.”

  Quirk grinned. “I just love these gracious invitations. Tell T’Jerk we accept.”

  “Thanks a bundle for inviting me along you brainless baboon,” snapped Spook sarcastically. “Did it ever occur to you, you lobotomized sap, that I might just wanna’ get out of this with a whole skin?”

  “It’s the only way we can save the Earth, Spook, by going directly to the very heart of T’Jerk.” Quirk growled menacingly. “You got any better ideas, Einstein?”

  Obviously possessing neither better ideas nor a quick comeback, Spook responded to Quirk’s comment with an ancient, ritualistic Sulking obscene gesture.

  “Very well...then...we...will...leave...at...once.” The Iliac-replica clicked her/its heels together three times, repeated the phrase “I...wish...I...were...home” the same number of times, and together with Quirk, Spook, and McClod, vanished from the bridge of the Enterprunes.

  *****

  When the trio of Enterprunes officers and the Iliac-replica reappeared, it was to an incredible, awe-inspiring sight. Surrounding the foursome, as far as they could see in all directions, was a huge football stadium, possessing a full-length playing field and fantastically high bleachers. Massive, multicolored spotlights, mounted along the stadium’s rim, flooded both the field and seats with pulsing, brilliant light. Enormous goal posts towered hundreds of feet into the sky on either end of the field, dwarfing the newly-arrived visitors and giving the men of the Enterprunes a feeling of extreme smallness. A mammoth, computerized scoreboard loomed over the stadium’s far end, casting a cyclopean stare over the amazed assemblage within.

  Perhaps the single most awesome spectacle within the entirety of the gigantic stadium, however, was the huge blimp centered upon the playing field’s surface. The blimp was obviously ancient, coated with dust and weathered from years of use. It emitted a strange, golden aura of light and resounded periodically with electronic bleeping and clicking sounds. The facet of its appearance which shocked the Enterprunes officers most, though, was its design and structure; the blimp was undoubtedly constructed on Earth.

  Quirk almost immediately recognized the enormous vehicle. “The Goodmonth blimp!” he shouted. “The real Goodmonth blimp! Spook, wasn’t a Goodmonth blimp hijacked or something back in the twentieth century?”

  Spook consulted his instruments, then sarcastically spat an answer to Quirk’s question. “Yes, you featherhead, back in 1998 one of the blimps mysteriously vanished while cruising over a Superbowl game. Authorities presumed it had been shot down by fans of the losing team. The blimp’s license plate read T-4-5-8-J-E-6-R-K.”

  Something clicked into place in Quirk’s mind. “T-4-5-8-J-E-6-R-K,” he repeated, ticking the letters and numbers off on his hand. “Take away the numbers and the letters spell, uh, T-J-E-R-K, which spells, uh...”

  “It spells T’JERK you cockeyed milquetoast,” spattered Spook sardonically. “OK pinhead? Let’s stop wasting time, all right? You dragged me all the way out here to save the Earth, so let’s get on with it. I’ve got places to go, universe-shaking discoveries to make, galactic rulers to parley with, unknown worlds to bring into the light of civilization. Beside all that, 'General Infirmary’ starts in fifteen minutes.”

  Quirk sighed tiredly. “I am getting on with it, Spook. Just hold your horses.” The captain of the Enterprunes began speaking again to the Iliac-replica, slowly walking toward the blimp as he spoke.

  “Why does T’Jerk want to wipe out carbon-units?” he questioned, continuing to approach the blimp. “Why does he want to destroy life, the grandest, most unique creation in all the majestic universe? Does he see us as a threat of some sort? Does he have some kind of mysterious, unknown mission? Do we lower his property values?”

  “None...of...the above,” replied the Iliac-replica. “T’Jerk...is...simply...obeying...his... programming.”

  “What is T’Jerk’s programming?” probed Quirk further, by now within several feet of the T’Jerk blimp.

  “To...focus on...dissolve...and...black-out...carbon-based beings,” answered the android blandly.

  Quirk’s heart beat wildly and a sharp chill ran up and down his spine. He burped softly in shock. “Bobo,” he whispered, turning to face his Chief Surgeon. “That can only mean one thing. The blimp, which was carrying camera equipment to televise the Superbowl, must have been kidnapped by aliens...”

  “...And was altered by them,” continued Bobo, picking up quickly on Quirk’s miraculous inspiration, “enlarged, increased in power. But its new programming got confused with the old programming of the camera equipment. Whatever new commands it received were overridden by those of the cameras...”

  “...Which were, in twentieth century film jargon, to 'focus on,’ 'dissolve,’ and 'black-out’ images of humans, or carbon-units,” finished Spook smugly, patting himself on the back and taking a bow. “So now the lousy mess of circuits is trying to focus on, dissolve, and black-out the entire human race instead of the Green Bay Packers. Great, real great. So how do we stop it, oh high-and-mighty captain? What do we do besides standing around making dramatic explanations in unison like the Vienna Boys Choir?”

  Always the perfect picture of authority and decisive action, the gallant, audacious Captain Quirk responded to Spook’s query with a quick, authoritative and commanding “Beats the tar outta’ me,” and a decisive shrug of his heavily muscled shoulders.

  However, just when things were looking the bleakest and Earth seemed to have about as much of a future as disco, a tall, handsome figure materialized near T’Jerk. Quickly, the figure, who could be discerned by the Enterprunes officers to be a young man in Starfeet uniform, ran up to the gondola beneath T’Jerk’s central blimp and thrust open a control box mounted near its hatch. Desperation hastening his actions, he reached inside the box and yanked out two wires, one labeled 'Danger - possible health hazard’ and the other 'Care for a last cigarette?’; he then touched the wires’ tips together and pressed a series of buttons within the box. To the surprise of Quirk and the Enterprunes officers, the Iliac-replica suddenly raced over to join the man, who smiled at her and took her hand as he finished his work with the control box. Then, without warning, a spectacular, mind-boggling display of brilliant, blinding light shot up around the T’Jerk blimp, pulsing and writhing like a living thing and centered upon the Iliac-replica and her new companion.

  “Captain,” shouted the man, now fading rapidly within the coursing light/fire. “This is what I want.”

  “Ditto...bucko,” chimed in the also-fading Iliac, replica.

  “Who cares?” spat Spook.

  “What?!” slobbered Quirk confusedly.

  “He’s dead, Jambo,” clichéd McClod, desperately grasping for a line.

  Then they were gone, along with the menace called T’Jerk.

  *****

  When Quirk, Spook and McClod reappeared, they were on the bridge of the Enterprunes.

  “Well, well,” smiled Quirk happily while hanging by his feet from the rafter where he had been materialized. “Home again, home again, jiggety jig.”

  McClod, who had reappeared halfway inside a bulkhead, scowled crustily. “What th’ General Lee happened, Jambo? Who was that there turkey who wasted T’Jerk? How’d I get inside this here wall?”

  Spook, who had rematerialized with only his head above the bridge floor, snorted derisively. “The answers to your moronic questions are ridiculously obvious, you imbecilic quack. What happened was the last-minute rescue of the planet Earth. That 'turkey’ was Captain Snicker, who generously took T’Jerk off our hot little hands by fusing with it and ascending to another plane of reality. Finally, you are inside the wall and I,” Spook ignominiously touched his chin to the floor, “am in my present position thanks to the exquisite skills of Transplurter Chief Slyle, who s
o brilliantly beamed us back here in the nick of time.”

  Quirk, nauseated by the blood rushing to his head, swung down from his upside-down perch and displayed his countless years of acrobatic training and expertise by landing cat-like on a trio of ensigns.

  “What did Snicker mean when he said 'This is what I want’?” inquired Quirk puzzledly, skillfully disentangling himself from the ensigns by shoving one into the Engineering console and the other two over a railing.

  A look of cool, dispassionate understanding fell thuddingly onto Spook’s face. “You wanna’ know, read the script, snail lips.”

  Ignoring Spook’s caustic reply, since he was, as usual, at a loss for a comeback, Quirk instead stumbled to the command stool and slumped authoritatively onto it.

  Lootenant Lulu turned abruptly as Quirk settled into his seat. “Heading, sir?” he queried, offering Quirk a pamphlet and a flower.

  “How 'bout we mosey on over ta’ Palmer Four, the golfer’s world, Jambo?” suggested McClod from his bulkhead.

  “No you cockeyed, apelike buffoon,” interrupted Spook snidely from the floor. “We should quite obviously initiate a voyage to Seinfeld VIII, the planet of standup comedians.”

  “No Captain,” spoke up Yoohoora from her station. “Let’s go to Epsilon Merman, the singers’ planet.”

  “How about I-zod III, the preppie world?” chimed in Wreckov eagerly.

  “I think we should go to Delta Gamma Zen,” suggested Lulu solemnly, “the consciousness-raising capital of the galaxy.”

  “Och, begorra nessie kilt,” belched Splotty as he crawled drunkenly out of the turbo-pole shaft.

  Before long, everyone on the bridge, and everyone onboard the Enterprunes as well, was besieging Quirk with requests for the starboat’s next destination. Quickly, the gallant captain became overwhelmed by the constant buzzing and begging and, his heart beating wildly, he screamed.

  “Stop it, people!!” he shouted wrathfully, flinging a nearby ashtray across the bridge. “I don’t care where we go! Get us out of here, Lulu! Out there. Thisaway.”

  Lulu beamed inscrutably. “Aye, aye Captain.”

  With that, the Enterprunes exploded gallantly into the blackness, flipping crazily among the stars, carrying its magnificent crew of adventurers into the heart of the universe, swooping majestically across the satin fabric of space, zooming gallantly into the galaxy, boldly going where no...

  Aw, that’s enough. You get the picture.

  *****

  Trek It! Part Two:

  Trek Off!

  Articles about Star Trek

  By award-winning Trek writer

  Robert T. Jeschonek

  *****

  To Boldly Go Where No Comic Has Gone Before!

  10 Star Trek Comic Book Lost Treasures

  Since its beginning as a television series in 1966, Star Trek has grown into a phenomenon. This science fiction adventure has been translated into nearly every medium including novels, feature films, animation...and comic books. In fact, Trek comics have been produced since the original TV series aired. Gold Key, Marvel, Malibu, DC, and IDW have all tried their hands at creating Trek comics with varying degrees of success.

  Throughout its various four-color incarnations, Star Trek has inspired some downright horrendous stories--but it has been the wellspring of some excellent graphic fiction as well. The following list summarizes what I consider to be 10 of the best Trek stories ever published in comic book form.

  This list has been drawn from Trek comics released by Gold Key, Marvel, and DC. Though these three publishers are represented, I've given the majority of slots of my Top Ten to DC's Trek series; I've done this simply because l feel that the DC stories listed here deserve their high rankings.

  l) "Retrospect"— Star Trek Annual #3, l988, DC Comics—by Peter David, Curt Swan, and Ricardo Villagran

  There are no bells or whistles in this story, no interplanetary menaces or mysterious alien races...but it stands as one of the finest Star Trek tales l've ever read. This piece is a character study of Montgomery Scott. an insightful portrait of his life and his relationship with his one true love (and no, it's not the U.S.S. Enterprise).

  As the story opens, Kirk and McCoy find a drunk and downcast Scotty draining bottles of scotch in his cabin; the Chief Engineer confesses than he's mourning his wife, Glynnis, who passed away recently in a shuttle accident (an accident which was caused, ironically, by an engine malfunction). The rest of "Retrospect" consists of scenes from Scotty's past, each one a turning point in his relationship with Glynnis. The scenes are presented in reverse-chronological order, starting with Scotty's recent past and shifting backward through the years, stretching the whole way back to his childhood.

  This is a story with scope; in a mere 38 pages it manages to encapsulate Scotty's entire life and Glynnis Campbell's as well. Each vignette is poignant in its own way, and adds a fresh layer of emotional depth to the two main characters.

  "Retrospect" celebrates the spirit of enduring love, the linkage between beings which surpasses time and distance and death. It is faithful to established Trek history, right down to the uniforms Scotty wears at different phases in his career.

  "Retrospect" is Trek at its best—a story occurring in futuristic settings, with the human heart at its core.

  2) "All Those Years Ago. . ."—Star Trek Annual #1, 1985, DC Comics—by Mike W. Barr, David Ross, and Bob Smith

  One of the stories never told in the original Trek TV series was that of James T. Kirk's first mission on the Enterprise. "All Those Years Ago..." is notable because it delves into the untold story of that first mission, an event of great significance in the Star Trek mythos.

  Most of this story is told in flashback form. In order to decide how to deal with a race of aliens returning to Federation space, Kirk recounts his first encounter with them, a mission which happened to be his first aboard the Enterprise. Jim's recollections provide glimpses of important and never-before-shown scenes: his first sighting of the Enterprise; his first meeting with his predecessor, Captain Pike, as well as Spock and Scotty; the gathering of Kirk's original "inner circle"—Dr. McCoy and Commander Gary Mitchell; the change of command from Pike to Kirk; and the departure of the Enterprise for the start of its fabled "five-year mission."

  In the flashback sequence, Captain Pike is kidnapped by the Tralmanii, and Kirk and his crew set out to rescue him. When the Enterprise team finds Pike, they learn the reason for his abduction: years ago, he stopped the Tralmanii from feeding on the energy of a nova, and now their race is dying and hungry for revenge. By rerigging the alien ship's equipment, the Enterprise group enables the beings to generate their own nova energy so their race can be rejuvenated, and the encounter is peacefully concluded.

  "All Those Years Ago..." is a splendid story, a wonderful piece which explores early Trek history. Though the plot involving the Tralmanii isn't overly original, the flashback itself is a treasure for Trek fans. This story answers a lot of questions which fans have asked through the years, and does so in an entertaining fashion; it explains the departures of original pilot characters like Captain Pike, Number One, and Dr. Boyce, and features characters like Gary Mitchell and Lee Kelso, who died in the second pilot episode, yet made strong impressions in their brief appearances.

  3) "The Final Voyage"—Star Trek Annual #2, l986, DC Comics—by Mike W. Barr, Dan Jurgens, and Bob Smith

  Whereas "All Those Years Ago..." depicts the beginning of Kirk's first five-year mission on the Enterprise, "The Final Voyage" portrays the end of that deep-space journey.

  When the story opens, the Enterprise is on its way back to Earth after its five years in space. After picking up Commander Will Decker, the officer in charge of the ship's refitting, or so they think.

  Instead of reaching Earth, the ship ends up in orbit around Talok IV, and is ambushed by Klingon vessels. It turns out that the Klingons have conquered Talok and forced the inhabitants to teach them how to cast illusions. The Klingons use
d their new powers to fool the Enterprise crew into coming to Talok, and plan to use the starship to attack the Federation.

  When Kirk beams down to the planet with a landing party, he finds that the Klingons have also captured Captain Pike, who is living on Talok IV. (As depicted in the TV episode "The Menagerie," Pike went to Talok IV to live a life of illusion after being maimed in an accident.) Kirk and company are imprisoned by the Klingons and tormented by illusions, but manage to break free.

  "The Final Voyage" draws together many elements of Trek history, tying in with Trek's origins (the first pilot, "The Cage," which introduced Pike and the Talosians), and its future (the feature films, like Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which introduced Will Decker). The story also holds some interesting bits of characterization, like Decker's overcompensation for being the son of a captain who destroyed his own ship; Spock's concern for Pike, and his furious leap into action when he sees the Klingons torturing his old captain; and Kirk's anguish when the Klingons force him to relive the death of Edith Keeler, whom he fell in love with during a time-trip to Earth of the 1930s.

  "The Final Voyage" is an excellent Trek adventure, one which fills in some of the continuity gaps between the TV series and the films.

  4) "The Return of the Serpent"- Star Trek #43-45, 1987, DC Comics—by Mike Carlin, Tom Sutton, and Ricardo Villagran

  I'm a sucker for sequels to original Trek episodes, and this three-part sequel to "The Apple" is my favorite.

  In "The Apple," Kirk and company visited the planet Gamma Trianguli VI, a veritable Eden inhabited by a peaceful and primitive race. The only catch in this paradise—the people were ruled by a super-computer called Vaal. Kirk managed to shut the machine down and left the natives to follow a more natural pattern of development.