Fighting Wrath

by Jennifer Miller

  Vaguely I hear the introduction and everyone claps, but I’m too focused on my task and wanting to get Lily settled before paying attention. But then I hear him.

  “Hi everyone, my name is Tyson Martin and I’m going to read a story for you that I wrote titled, Slaying Dragons.”

  I can’t move. I’m not sure I can breathe. Am I breathing? I haven’t seen him in so long and I can barely believe that he’s here now. Our eyes meet and his eyes stare into mine, appearing bright, eager, and is that hope, regret and apology? Once the immediate shock weans slightly, I am immediately conflicted. Part of me wants to run and jump into his arms and kiss him senseless and beg him to never leave me again. Another part of me is unsure, confused, hesitant, perhaps even angry. And that angry part wants to stalk up to him, slap him and demand to know why the hell he left me. I mean, he just walked away without a word.

  “Once upon a time a boy fell in love with a girl.”

  “Ewwwww,” a little boy turns to his mom and says rather loudly. She shushes him while several people giggle and looks around apologetically.

  “The boy, Prince Bryson was at a book store one day much like this one. He spent a nice time reading books, and when he went to leave, he walked around a corner and ran into a beautiful girl.”

  “What does she look like?” a little girl in the back row asks shyly.

  “She has hair like spun gold, blue eyes, and is the most beautiful girl Ty- er – Prince Bryson has ever seen.” He clears his throat and I try to remain calm. “The beautiful girl was angry at Prince Bryson for not watching where he was going and making her drop her books all over the floor. He helped her pick them up, and when she looked at him in the eyes for the first time, he knew deep down inside that he would never be the same. He also knew that he had to know more about her. He was in such a daze from meeting her that when she left, he realized he didn’t even know her name.”

  The children giggle and Tyson sits in a chair before continuing, “He did the only thing he could. He came back to the book store over and over again, hoping that he would see her again.”

  “Did he? Did he?” A cute little girl with a button nose and brown ringlets asks.

  “He did,” Tyson nods. “Prince Bryson was so excited to see her again that he bravely went up to her and started to talk to her. She didn’t really want to talk to him at first, but he wore her down with his persistence and charm. Plus he is very handsome.”

  The kids giggle again, but I roll my eyes making him grin.

  “The best days of Prince Bryson’s life were the times he spent getting to know the beautiful girl, Princess Sydney. They became boyfriend and girlfriend and spent a lot of time together. But one thing that Prince Bryson didn’t do, was tell her the truth about something. He kept putting it off and made excuses for the reason why and tried to hide it the best he could. When Prince Bryson realized that he was in love with Princess Sydney, it was the happiest day of his life, and he couldn’t wait to tell her. And guess what?”

  All the little kids yell, “What?”

  “She told him that she loved him too!” They all giggle and I find my own lips curving a little at the edges and then straighten again when I realize it. “But, as is the way with most fairy tales, the road to happily ever after isn’t always an easy one. Remember how I told you that Prince Bryson had secrets?”

  “Yes!” they all shout together.

  “Well the secret was that Prince Bryson was being chased by a very mean and powerful dragon!”

  Little gasps arise from a few of the girls in the crowd, while the boys think it’s cool. Looking around, it’s amusing to see all the little faces that are glued to everything Tyson has to say.

  “The pesky dragon wouldn’t leave Prince Bryson alone and because he didn’t want to scare Princess Sydney, he didn’t tell her about the dragon. He managed to convince himself that the way he was dealing with it, was fine and that eventually, it would all work out.”

  “Was it a big dragon?” a boy wearing little cowboy boots and a cowboy hat asks.

  “What color is the dragon?” a little girl with red pigtails asks.

  Tyson smiles, “It was very, very big and he was black and purple. One day, Prince Bryson finally told Princess Sydney about the dragon because he didn’t want to keep secrets from her anymore. The Princess was worried for him and the Prince promised he would stay away from the dragon. He really did intend to, but when a friend called him up and needed his help, he went, which made him come into contact with the dragon again. He broke his promise.”

  “Oh no! You should never break your pwomise!” A little girl says solemnly.

  “No, you shouldn’t,” Tyson agrees. “Before Prince Bryson has a chance to explain to Princess Sydney what happened, he finds out that she’s been keeping a secret too. She has a very special brother and one of the ways that she helps take care of him is by having a job that has her dealing with her very own dragon. Hers is big as well and is purple with black sparkles,” he says satisfying the question on the tip of the tongues of the same children that asked those questions before. “Worried for her, sad for her, and wanting to do anything he can to take care of her, instead of telling the Princess that, Prince Bryson gets angry. The dragon that’s following Prince Bryson, likes it when he gets angry and the dragon taunts him and teases him, making him get very mad with Princess Sydney.”

  “Oh no!” a blonde boy says. “He better kill the dragon now.”

  “Well, that’s what he did. But in order to kill the dragon, Prince Bryson had to leave. He leaves because he wants to handle it the right way and he felt awful over the fact that he got so angry with Princess Sydney. You see, when he realized how upset he made the Princess with his anger, it made him realize he became mean just like the dragon, and that scared him very much.”

  “My mommy says you shouldn’t be mean to people,” a little boy with freckles states proudly.

  “Your mommy is very smart. And Prince Bryson, well he was finally able to slay the dragon once he got some help from people that could help him do it. And then, he came back to Princess Sydney, to seek her forgiveness and to tell her how much he loves her, and wants to be with her, so that they can create a new story together. Because Prince Bryson learned that while he had a story, Princess Sydney had one of her own too, and that together, hopefully, they can make a new better story together.”

  “What happened next?” I ask. “Will she forgive him? Will they make a new story together?”

  “I hope so,” he murmurs and that’s when the mothers in the audience are clued into the fact that something bigger is happening here. As we continue to stare at each other, the kids become restless and the bookstore worker comes forward. “Okay boys and girls, that’s all for story time today! Everyone clap for Tyson.”

  The kids clap and then begin to run around and grab books from the shelves they want to read. Tyson walks to me and with all the curious eyes on us, I’m thankful when he makes a suggestion, “Can we step outside? Maybe get Lily some ice cream?”

  Lily has been squealing and flailing her arms around since she saw her uncle. He finally unbuckles her and swings her into his arms giving her kisses all over while she squeals. He looks back at me and I nod my head.

  Once we’re outside, I don’t know what to say and I stand there awkwardly while I watch Tyson continue to kiss Lily. Finally, placing her back in her seat amid protests from Lily, he takes the bag and retrieves her dish of cheerios, providing them to Lily, which captures her attention.

  “Hi,” he whispers as he looks at me.

  “Hello,” I whisper back. We stare at each other and when he starts to lean in with what appears to be the intention of kissing me, I initially start to lean forward, as if my body can’t resist the lure of him. Yet, rather than leaning in, I manage to suddenly pull my face and cheek away as I retreat backward. “I can’t.”

  Tyson looks at me worriedly and out pours, “I missed you. I’m glad to see you. I want to explain.�
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  I can’t help it; I laugh bitterly, and as if we are both caught in a downpour of words I respond. “Oh yeah? And what? Everything is supposed to be ok? That’s supposed to suffice? The fact that you just up and left without so much as a goodbye or explanation, and have not been in any contact can be easily explained away? I’m just supposed to listen to you? Like the way you listened to me when I wanted to explain things before you left?”

  “No. I mean, I know. But I can explain and there was a reason. And I’m so sorry about that – how I reacted. I’m more ashamed than I could possibly convey to you. I don’t even have the words to tell you that I’m sorry.”

  “You left, Tyson. Not only would you not let me explain, you left me.”

  “I had to,” he insists with passion, his eyes pleading with me to understand. “The way I acted, it was, it was…god Sydney, it scared the shit out of me. My whole life I’ve been the protector. The defender and caretaker. I made life safe. I was the one to shelter Rowan from bad. I wanted to be that for you too, not just because I found out about what you’ve endured in your past but because of the feelings developing for you. Instead, I became the very thing I’ve been fighting against all this time. I thought fighting was an outlet to help me deal with the rage, but instead, it only made it worse.”

  My heart squeezes at the emotion in his voice and it’s so fucking hard because I want more than anything to hug him, to tell him I love him, to promise that everything is going to be – no is - okay, but I can’t. And I don’t know if it is. So, instead I posture to protect…both of us, I guess. I cross my arms in front of my chest, extend one foot, tighten my jaw slightly and continue the conversation, my defenses righteously engaged.

  “Where did you go?” I ask, needing at least an answer to that.

  “I found an anger management facility and I admitted myself.”

  “I didn’t even know a place like that existed.”

  “Well it does and through more therapy and hard lessons than I can even comprehend, I have gained knowledge on how to better deal with my battles and have learned exercises on how to manage it when my anger rears it’s head.”

  Nodding my head, I confess, “I went to therapy too while you were away. I had to face some ugly truths about why I didn’t tell you about my job.” Hell, I didn’t want to talk about that right now; not even sure he deserves to know.

  “Look, about that, I understand and I shouldn’t have acted that way. I really am sorry.”

  “Glad to know you understand when it only took me a few months to do so.”

  He runs his hand through his hair, “Look, can we take Lily back to Rowan? She knew I was going to be here, I called her last night and she told me your plans. We can take Lily back and we can go somewhere to talk.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  Looking at me in confusion, I think it takes a moment for him to realize what I said. “No?”

  Shaking my head, I whisper, “No.” Taking a deep breath, I hitch the straps of my purse higher on my shoulder before continuing. “Look, I’m glad that you’ve gotten some help and are doing better. I really am. But I’m not sure I can just pick right up where we left off after everything.”

  “I don’t expect you to. I just want to talk.”

  “Well, while you’ve had time to prepare yourself for this conversation, I haven’t. And I’m not willing to have it right now. I can’t. I thought I might be, if this ever occurred. But I’m not. The truth is, Tyson, standing here, I realize I’m still angry with you and I need some time to think.”

  “But, I’ve been gone for three months, surely you’ve had time to think-“

  “You’ve been gone for one hundred days. One hundred days today actually and yes, I’ve had time to think. Time to heal. Time to deal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m ready for this right now. If you don’t mind, can you take Lily to Rowan? I’d like to go home.”

  “Please don’t leave, beautiful. Please.”

  “Ironic words coming from you, don’t you think?” And with that I lean down and give Lily a kiss on the head and turn around and walk to my car, while he calls after me.

  “What did you expect would happen?”

  Staring at Dr. Zenn I think for a moment before I answer his question. It’s one of many things I’m trying to be better about. Thinking before I speak. Not at all an easy feat. Shrugging I answer honestly, “I guess part of me expected all that girly blubbering shit.”

  “From you, or her?” He asks with his glasses perched at the end of his nose and a smile on his face. Thank god he has a sense of humor.

  “Either one, really.”

  He and I are still getting to know each other. He’s the outpatient therapist I am working with now. I was referred to him when I left the Center and have only seen him a few times.

  The day after I lost it three months ago, I was on the internet, working the keys as best as I could with a messed up, wrapped up hand looking for a place to help me. I knew I needed to see someone to help get my anger issues under control. I didn’t expect to find a nationally known facility, much like a drug or alcohol rehab center, that deals primarily with anger management where I could admit myself. It was a few hours north, but I didn’t care. In fact, as it ended up, it was likely better. I packed up a bag, called my bosses Kip and Ron to explain, then got the hell on the road.

  The treatment, I would learn consisted of twice a week anger management sessions for understanding the physiology of anger and learning ways to recognize the onset of my anger and to determine effective ways to combat or manage it. I learned that having anger is normal; the issue was my inability to channel it properly. A few other strategies they employed were meditation, breathing classes and other stress management techniques. I never imagined I could get Zen, but life, I’m learning, is full of surprises. Moreover, they were strong on individual and group counseling sessions focusing on identification of the causes of my anger. Forgiving myself and finding an ability to laugh were tough challenges for me, but when that breakthrough occurred, it interestingly changed the direction and impact that the Center and its program had on me. From there on I spent lots of time focusing on myself, my healing, and when I was deemed ready, developing a behavioral plan for my future.

  Funny, I thought that therapy would be easy for me, the roots of my anger apparent. I mean wasn’t it obvious? I came from a fucked up family life and basically raised myself. They were to blame. After all, I always knew I had unresolved issues from my shitty upbringing and the lack of any true family life. Hell, I never had a normal life. Let alone trying to protect and be the big brother and father Rowan never had. I had worked hard to minimize and brush it all aside. I thought that when I pummeled others, no holds barred, I was repaying everyone and everything back: the egg and sperm donors who bred me; life, for the hand it had dealt me; and all those who looked down on me and treated me unfairly and made me feel shitty. Who knew I had so much to learn? The deep hostility, resentment and aggression I had was leading to self-destruction. Ends up that while I didn’t handle it well, the MMA training may have saved me from going postal. Looking back with the insight I now have, it’s amazing actually that I didn’t destroy more of my life and those around me.

  Family therapy was an option that I declined. It didn’t seem right to pull them into this. While neither have actually said so, Dr. Fremont, my therapist at the Center as well as Dr. Zenn, didn’t fully agree with that decision. Perhaps the truth is that I haven’t been ready to involve them yet. On that note, I could have contacted everyone more than I did, but I elected not to do that either. I felt it was better to immerse myself fully into getting my head on straight. Plus, what if it didn’t work? What if I left more broken than I was when I arrived? What if I couldn’t be fixed? All those thoughts were repeatedly on my mind, at least in the initial weeks, but one thing I’ve learned is that mostly, I was just scared.

  The way I lost it before I left, truly scared the shit out of me. It’s the moment
that changed everything for me. I had never felt such rage. The flame became an uncontrollable inferno. And each moment, it seemed that the flame just got larger and my thoughts kept fueling it. I came to realize that the rage wasn’t targeted at or even about Sydney. Not really. It was my habitual response to a situation I could not control. And my inability to control that – a situation I could not accept or understand, hated in fact – well, that was the focus of my rage – and the focus of much of my therapy, as it ended up. And not just that specific situation, but the many I have had, and am likely yet to encounter. But that night, that event, I never, ever want the people I love to look at me like that again. And it was time to do something about it.

  I graduated from the program the day before I showed up at the bookstore to see Sydney. I wanted to go straight to her. I thought daily about what I would say, how I would apologize and explain my actions. When I spoke to Rowan and found out about Sydney resuming book reading dates with Lily while I was away, I plotted the perfect way to see her again.

  “Well, you just need to give her some time. She’s been out in the cold, Tyson. And you chose that. You chose not to invite her to any sessions. In fact, as I recall, you chose not to inform her that you were there. So, this reaction is part of the consequences of that decision. You are ready to and want to mend the fences, but she has not had the benefit of your insight during rehab. The best advice I can give you is to continue to focus on your recovery, allow her time to make her decisions, and everything else will work out as it will in time. You cannot control the outcome. You can only be honest and communicate your desires. ” Dr. Zenn says.

  Nodding, but not exactly thrilled with his answer, even if I know it is likely accurate, I fold my hands in my lap, my mind turning wondering what Sydney is doing now. Will she give me a chance to further explain? Is she working? Still working there? Will she talk to me again, allow me back in her life?