Reckless Secrets

by Gina Robinson

  So I was a non-dater. Until early March, when this guy from my business ethics class asked me out. He was kind of cute and kind of funny. We'd worked on a couple of projects together. He wanted to take me to dinner and a movie and I thought, why not? He wasn't Logan, but I couldn't spend my life alone forever. Tay and Nic were ecstatic.

  But I had to cancel my standing game with Falcon26 and I was reluctant about it. I could have blown him off and just let him log in and see my status was offline, but that seemed kind of cruel. It wasn't like I was cheating on him, but I didn't want to leave him hanging, waiting for me to log on. It was just respectful to let him know.

  So I checked in earlier in the week and caught him when he was online.

  He immediately sent me a message. FrontGirl what are you doing here on a Wednesday? Did you know I was missing you? Want to play a game? I can scare up a team.

  After getting that message, I felt like a jerk, kind of like Byron all over again. But we were only online video rivals and friends. Not tonight. Just wanted to catch you. Have to cancel our Friday night game. I have a hot date in the real world. Take some towers for me.

  I waited for a minute and sighed, feeling let down when he didn't reply right away. I was just about to log off when a message from him popped up.

  I'm losing you to the real world. Shit.

  I was stunned by his bluntness. Maybe Bre, Nic, and Tay were right. Maybe the Falcon really did like me. And maybe I did want to meet him. The thought surprised me.

  Then make a move to meet me in the real world, I replied, and signed out before he could say anything else.

  My date with the business ethics guy was fun, if not mind-blowingly great. He wanted to hang out again. And I thought I would.

  Falcon26 kept trying to message me when I was online and asking me to play. I ignored him. It was time I came back to the real world and found a real hero. But I finally relented because I kind of missed him. And I decided that honesty was the best policy. I had to tell him I was done playing video games. I'd never been that into it. It had just been something to do to forget the real world. And now the real world was calling.

  So I got online and he immediately messaged me.

  FrontGirl, I'm screwing up all my courage. There's an Up All Night on Saturday. Meet me there. On the second floor in front of the ballroom. You'll recognize me. I'll be the guy with my heart in my hand.

  I didn't reply. I couldn't. I showed the message to Bre, Tay, and Nic. "What do you think he means by having his heart in his hand?"

  Nic shuddered. "All I can say is I hope he's not an anatomy student."

  "Or a butcher," Tay said.

  "I think it's figurative," Bre said.

  We all stared at her.

  "What?" Bre stared at us like we were crazy.

  "Yeah, I hope so," I said.

  "What are you going to do?" Nic had an evil look in her eye. "I think you should go. He's given you the perfect out. You go. You see what he means by having his heart in his hand. If he's a creeper, you back out and run like hell." She laughed. "It's completely safe. He has no idea who you are."

  "Yeah!" Tay said. "We'll come with."

  "I don't know," I said, but I was intrigued. "I kind of like not knowing who he is. That way he's anyone I want him to be."

  "It's an adventure! It'll be fun." Tay was really getting into it now. "You have to do it."

  "We'll see," I said. But I was considering it. The thing was, sometimes Falcon reminded me of Logan. And I kind of liked imagining he was. Kind of like picturing him as the Logan I wanted, not the Logan who'd broken my heart and shut me out. Despite what I'd said about living in the real world, a big part of me wanted to keep the fantasy alive.

  Chapter Nineteen

  All right, it was dumb. It was stupid. I flipped and I flopped. But finally the girls convinced me I had to go and meet Falcon. That sometimes a fantasy wasn't all you needed. Sometimes you needed truth and reality.

  "How do I dress for this stupid meeting?" I asked. "What if he stands me up? Stood up by a video gaming nerd—how could my ego stand it?"

  "You dress hot. Scorching," Nic said. "So he'll want you no matter what. And if he stands you up, you'll have options. Like guys fighting to get to meet you. We'll help."

  Which is how I found myself dressed in tight low-rider jeans, heels, and a cute, tight, low-cut blouse. My makeup was sultry and my hair fell loose.

  "You look just like one of your game characters!" Nic nodded approvingly.

  I rolled my eyes. "Right. Tell me again why I'm doing this?"

  "Because you're back among the living and putting yourself out there." Tay handed me a set of dangly bracelets. "Wear these."

  I slid them on and Nic handed me a jello shot. "For fortification. Nothing ever looks as bad when you're buzzed."

  I set the shot down. "I'm not going to be blinded by alcohol goggles when I meet Falcon. I want to see him in all his nerdy glory."

  "You are so pessimistic!" Nic raised her shot. "Let the adventure begin." She, Tay, and Bre downed a shot in my honor.

  They propelled me all the way to the SUB, past the budding crocuses that were just coming up in the flowerbeds, optimistically spring-like. Into the building and to the bottom of the stairs, where we paused.

  "Okay, this is the plan," I said. "I am going to have to face Falcon alone. You three can walk behind me for moral support. If we catch a glimpse of him and he's a creeper, we go to plan one, ditch him, and enjoy the rest of the entertainment."

  "You mean troll for guys," Nic said.

  "Exactly," Tay said for me. "She's dressed for it."

  I ignored them. "If he's hot, or even decent, you all back off and blend into the crowd, leaving us alone. Agreed?"

  They nodded.

  I took a deep breath. "Let's do this." Somehow I made my feet move up the stairs. This was such a stupid idea. I kept flashing back to meeting Logan at that first Up All Night event. How far I'd fallen. I kept pushing him from my mind. The stairs curved halfway up at a landing. I paused again. The girls encouraged me to keep going. I was so stupid nervous it was crazy.

  As I came up the stairs, I saw a red heart-shaped balloon with the words My Heart printed on it in neat engineering block letters floating on a ribbon in a pair of strong hands, being held between a guy's legs. I couldn't see the guy's face, but his strong thighs looked promising.

  The girls gasped when they saw the balloon.

  "He's a romantic!" Tay said. "This is promising."

  I made myself keep moving, telling myself I could do this. His knees came into view as we climbed the stairs. Then his chest. And finally his face. He was totally hot. The hottest guy I'd ever seen, and he was watching the people coming up the stairs, watching for me with an expectant, hopeful look.

  "Logan," I whispered, and froze.

  The girls saw him an instant after I did.

  "Go!" Tay gave me a shove.

  Logan spotted me. I panicked. As I turned to run, I got a glimpse of him rising to his feet. "No! I can't believe this. I can't do it. He's not expecting me. I—"

  "Of course he is, fool girl." Nic grabbed my arm. "You don't think Logan recognized you from your screen name? He knows who he's meeting."

  I brushed her off and tried to run past her, trying to thread my way between her and Tay and Bre and the rest of the crowd coming up the stairs.

  "Ellie! Wait! El!" Logan called after me.

  "Excuse me. Excuse me! Coming through." I tried to push my way past the crowd, swimming in the wrong direction, going upstream against the current.

  But Logan was fast. "El!" He caught me at the bottom of the steps, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind, the balloon still in his hand, floating in front of me. "You forgot something." He pressed the ribbon of the balloon into my hand. "This belongs to you. It has since I met you."

  Tears danced in my eyes. I tried to swallow them back, but they came anyway. "You shut me out. You cut me off. You lied to me and pretended
to be someone else. Someone I could talk to. Someone I told about you. I was telling you about you." I tried to pry myself free.

  "El, please. Listen to me. You still owe me one. I'm calling it in now—just hear me out."

  I took a deep breath. When it came right down to it, I owed him my life. "Stupid, stupid debts of honor," I said through my tears. "Why did I ever make them?"

  "You'll listen?"

  I nodded. Bre, Tay, and Nic had disappeared, probably staying on the second floor to give us space.

  "El, come on," he whispered in my ear, his voice breaking with emotion as he cradled his height around me. "I thought you suspected Falcon was me. I thought it was our way of testing the waters and coming back together."

  "Why? There are over eight thousand guys here. How would I know Falcon was you?"

  "Falcon's my high school mascot. And twenty-six is my baseball jersey number, El. You know that. Caleb is two and I'm twenty-six." He paused.

  "Damn," I said. He was right. I'd just never made the connection. I cursed myself for falling for Logan a second time even without seeing him. Falling for his sweetness and his personality. Falling for the hero he could be. I wondered if I was doomed to love him no matter what form he presented himself in.

  "I need to talk to you in private," he said.

  I nodded. I had agreed. "Where do you have in mind?"

  "My place." It wasn't a question. "My car's in the lot down the street."

  I nodded again, resigned. And because this was Logan and I couldn't run away no matter how scared I was or how much sense it made. "Okay."

  "If I let you go, you promise not to run?" There was the barest hint of tease in his voice.

  "Promise."

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the SUB to his car. We rode to his place in awkward silence. I had no idea how to break the ice. I kept marveling that he was Falcon26 and berating myself for not seeing it. Neither of us spoke as we entered his apartment. I was still carrying the balloon. Inside, I let it loose to hover in the air, symbolic, his heart unleashed.

  The lights were on, but it was quiet. A bouquet of roses sat on the table next to a bottle of wine chilling in a bucket of ice.

  "Zave and Collin are out for the night," Logan said.

  I turned and stared at him. "You planned this." It was an accusation, not a question.

  "Yeah, of course." He looked nervous, more nervous than I could remember seeing him. "I took a chance you'd come. You never answered. If you didn't know it was me, why didn't you give me an answer?"

  "Because of you," I said without elaborating. "And because Falcon26 could have been anybody. You should see the way Tay drew him."

  "Nerdy?"

  "Yeah." I crossed my arms, keeping my distance from him though I ached to touch him. I walked to the living room and sat on the couch. "You can't win me back with flowers and wine. I'm not that shallow. You walked out on me. Ignored me. Yeah, I know I should have trusted you. But you should have been happy for me—I found my dad. The dad I've wanted my whole life. You don't know what it was like growing up with my mom—"

  He paled, looking even more uncomfortable. "El, I have something to tell you, but you have to remember your promise to hear me out."

  My heart practically stopped. "What?"

  "You promised, remember?"

  I was sitting in the middle of the sofa, but he managed to slide in next to me so close I could feel his body heat as his thigh brushed mine. I knotted my hands in my lap to keep from touching him.

  "You'll listen to everything I have to say and then if you want to go, I'll take you home."

  "I promised, okay?" I chewed on the inside of my lip and waited for him to continue.

  "Okay, here goes—you're right. I was a complete douchebag for storming out like I did. I was hurt and upset and shocked. And jealous because I needed both of you—you and Jason. And I felt betrayed by both of you. You were mine and Jason was my mentor and now he's your dad and I couldn't talk to him about you. And, hell, what had I told him? And how could you have kept it all from me? What a dupe I was.

  "I felt weak, like you couldn't trust me with the tough stuff in your life. Like I had so much shit going on that you didn't think I could be there for you."

  "No, that's not true," I said. "I started lying and I got in too deep. I came to school looking for Jason. I got the job with him on purpose. I met you and fell for you, but I was afraid any relationship would interfere with what I was here to do. And then it turned out you worked for him. And I couldn't tell you until I knew for sure Jason was my dad and that I wanted to let Jason know I was his daughter.

  "The lies and the half-truths spiraled out of control from there." I sniffed, fighting back tears. "And, okay, I admit, I didn't want to burden you with more junk. And I didn't know how to tell you in a way that you wouldn't feel betrayed." I stared in my lap.

  He covered my hands with his. "I love you, El. I tried to stay away from you. I tried to forget you. But I couldn't. I tried to be your hero—"

  "In a video game?" I shook my head and sniffed again. "By pretending to be someone else so you could spy on me?"

  "No. In real life." He hesitated. "This is where you're going to freak out—I've been talking to your mom."

  I felt faint. The room spun and I thought I might throw up. I tried to stand, but he wrapped his arms around me and held me in place.

  "Listen to me, El. Let me explain. It's been killing me staying away from you. And seeing you hurting. When you started seeing other guys, I lost it. I had to act.

  "When I came home that night I found out Jason was your dad, I had a letter from your mom."

  "No!" I stared at him, waiting for full comprehension to sink in. "How could she know about you?" And then it hit me—the memory of Logan punching Schwartz out before the football game. "Schwartz! Damn him."

  I took a deep breath. Schwartz, I bet he went running to my mommy. I even bet he slept with her. If she wanted him to. And she probably did.

  "What did dear old mommy say?" A big part of me really didn't want to know.

  Logan pressed his face against mine. "She wanted—wants—you back. And my help doing it. She was desperate to reconnect and beg for your forgiveness."

  I snorted. "Right."

  "I have the letter. I can show you." He took a deep breath.

  "Don't bother. I'm sure she's very convincing." And then a new fear hit and my heart raced out of control. "Jason?"

  Logan shook his head. "She has no idea. She doesn't know he's here or the real reason you chose this school.

  "And then I got an idea. A crazy idea that I could lead her off your scent for a while. Feed her false information. Act like her ally and give you time to get to know your dad before she finds out and comes screaming in to ruin things. That's what you're worried about, right?"

  I looked up at him, astounded. "Yes, but—"

  "I couldn't tell you, El. You wouldn't go for it. And I realized something else—my relationship with Jason had changed now that he was your dad. Everything made sense—the way he didn't want to hear about my relationship with you. How he tried to steer the conversation away from personal details. How upset he got about my fight and how fast I drove and how I lose my patience.

  "He likes me as a person, but as a boyfriend for his daughter, I'm not like bring-home-to-mom material." Logan spoke matter-of-factly, but there was a subtle undertone of hurt in his voice. "In fact, I suck."

  "No, Logan—"

  "Don't lie to me, El." He squeezed me. "We're past all that now and we both know the truth."

  I hung my head.

  "I didn't want to come between you and your dad. You needed time together to bond and figure things out. I was a complication in an already complicated situation. I'm damaged goods and I've done a lot of bad crap. But I stayed away and kept your mom off your back until I couldn't stand being away from you any more. Until I couldn't lose you for good. Until you blew me off for another guy.

  "I gr
aduate in a few months and then I'm gone, out of here. I'm selfish, but I couldn't blow my last chance with you. El? You're really quiet. What are you thinking?"

  I was trying to take it all in—Logan hurting me to protect me. Logan keeping my mom at bay. "What do you think of Mom?"

  He stared at me like he was measuring what he should say. Finally, he sighed. "She's beautiful, seductive, and deceitful, a lot like you."

  I almost laughed through my tears, but his description of her caught me short. "You've met her." I fought back a surge of anger. "How did she arrange it?"

  "It's not like you think," he said. "She ambushed me at SeaTac. I was on an interview trip. She caught me while I was in line for security."

  I almost asked him how she knew he'd be there, but I stopped myself short again. I had to trust him. She was devious and frighteningly clever when she put her mind to something. "Did she hit on you?"

  He didn't say anything.

  "She did!" I swore beneath my breath, hoping and praying I'd heard the last of Logan's revelations.

  "I'm immune to her charm. To everyone's but yours." He pressed his forehead to mine. "I'm desperate for you, El. Desperate."

  I reacted to the ragged edge in his voice. My whole body went tight with longing and desire. I'd missed him. So much.

  "El?"

  I was taking deep breaths, trying not to freak out. Trying to hang on to the remains of my self-control and not think about my mom and what her plans would be. About how she could ruin everything.

  "Melissa's determined to come to campus and confront you. I can't hold her off forever. But I'll protect you. I swear it."

  I nodded, feeling the heat from his fingers as he cupped my head. Wanting him. Wanting to cry and give way to emotions I couldn't name.

  "I love you." His tone was low and seductive, pleading. "Take me back, El. We'll work things out."

  I could barely speak. "No more secrets?"

  "No more secrets." His lips brushed mine with a soft kiss, just the barest hint of lips touching, so tender it nearly broke my heart.

  "I love you, too." I was lost in him. I returned his kiss, my lips moist and tender on his. When I parted my lips and his tongue darted in, my entire body tightened with wanting him.