by Tania Joyce
No. This wasn’t about trust. She could trust him with her life. Drawing her closer, he inhaled the sweet scent of her perfume, let it consume him, and poured his heart into his words. “I don’t want anyone else but you. Don’t walk away from what we have.”
“We need to be sensible.” The nearby candle flickered and caught the anguish in her eyes, but she blinked and it disappeared.
Her shields had been set in place. Fuck. “I don’t want to be sensible. I want you. Why can’t you admit you want me too? What are you afraid of?”
He worked his ass off; he was a decent guy who treated her like a queen; he adored her. Maybe his mother was right. He just wasn’t good enough for someone like Lexi, so vibrant, ambitious and good-spirited.
Shit. He’d fallen for her hard. He was in over his head. He couldn’t crawl out of this ocean in one piece.
“I’m not afraid,” she said, clasping onto his arms.
Then why was she trembling?
“We’ve had fun. We’ve grown closer. Shared some magical moments.” Her tone remained flat and cold, full of steely resolve. “But it’s time to go back to being just friends.”
This wasn’t Lexi. None of this was making sense.
“Friends?” His head tilted, hating the way that word left a bitter taste in his mouth. He stroked her hair, pressed his forehead against hers. Squeezing his eyes shut, he fought the tears burning his eyes. “Don’t do this. Lex, I fucking love you. And you love me.”
Placing her palms on his bare chest, she pushed back. “I love you . . . as a friend . . . ” She closed her eyes and furrowed her brow. “But I’m not in love with you.” Her voice slashed and sliced his heart. “I don’t love you.” A ringing in his ears erupted like a tuning fork slammed with a hammer. “Not the way you want me to.”
He couldn’t breathe; his knees buckled. She’d just ripped his heart out and thrown it out the window. It went splat on the sidewalk below. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“It’s the truth.” The tears pooling at the base of her eyes told a different story.
Why was she lying?
“I don’t believe you.” His whole body shuddered. “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”
Her gaze set on him, but her focus was distant, like she was looking through him, not at him. Her jaw tensed. “I don’t love you, Hayden.”
Bull. Fucking. Shit.
“You do,” he rasped, breathless and fatigued.
She shook her head. “No. I don’t.”
“Fuck you, Lexi.” His voice cracked with a chilling tone. “Fuck you. You keep telling yourself that, but I don’t believe you.”
He rushed into his room, dressed, grabbed his coat, and charged toward the door, stormed past her where he’d left her crying in the living room, and headed out of the apartment. He had no idea where he was going; he just needed to get out of there before he broke every damn item in their place. He wanted to rip the photos of the two of them from the walls and burn them. He wanted to smash his drum kit into a million pieces on the floor. He wanted to grab Lexi in his arms and kiss her senseless.
But he’d seen the frost in her eyes. He knew how career-hungry she was, but she was using it as an excuse. She was afraid. Afraid to admit she loved him. Afraid to give them a chance. He’d tried so hard to win her heart but failed.
He paused at the building’s exit and closed his eyes. Took a deep breath. Every bone in his body ached. His eyes stung. He’d been blinded by love. Shit. He didn’t need to move to Boston for her to break his heart. She already had.
If she was too scared to even try being together long-distance, he was done fighting. He’d fought for her long enough. He loved her, but he was done. So done.
He walked out of their building and stormed down the street. He picked up his heart up off the sidewalk, threw it into a trash can and left it there to rot. It was broken, damaged, useless. He didn’t need it anymore.
***
Surrounded by boxes, bags and a suitcase full of clothes, Hayden was packed, ready to go. Only one item remained: his drum kit. He sat on the stool, headphones on, pummeling out a tune. Not his own band’s songs, but Everhide’s. He wanted one last session here in his apartment to bid farewell to these walls. He needed the beat to help him find the words and strength to say goodbye to Lexi.
The past three days had been hard; they’d barely said a word to each other. Now, he was hours away from leaving and his brain had entered panic mode. Trying to find the right thing to say seemed impossible. Didn’t help that he had a hangover from hell. Hunter, Kyle and Gemma had thrown him a farewell party last night. He’d drunk too much beer and JD. Now each thud of his drums split his head like a lumberjack’s axe.
What did you say to someone you’d spent seven years of your life with, fallen in love with and now had to leave?
He had no idea. Words were not enough.
Packing to leave had been awful. Deciding what was his and what was Lexi’s had been a nightmare. They’d bought everything together. The sofa, the flat-screen, the kitchenware, the coffee table, the rug. In the end, he hadn’t wanted any of it. It would only remind him of her. So he’d let her have it all except his belongings from his room and his drums.
The air in the room prickled. The hairs on his arms bristled. He looked up. There she stood in her bedroom doorway, leaning against the jamb. She was dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie, and her crazy curls were pulled back into a messy ponytail. Picture perfect. His heart ached just looking at her.
“Sorry,” he said, hooking off his headphones. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“No. You didn’t.” She rubbed her hands down her face. “Ergh, I feel like shit. Drank too much last night.”
“Me too.”
“I didn’t sleep well either.” She lowered her voice so much he could barely hear.
“Same.” They hadn’t shared a bed since she’d gotten the job. He hadn’t wanted to—not after what she’d said.
She pointed at the drums. “You’re really good. You know that?”
“Time to make something of it.” He got up from his stool, ready to pack the kit away into boxes. “Boston, here I come.”
“Want some help?” She grabbed a box off the floor.
“Yeah. That’d be nice.”
She set the carton down by the drum kit. “You look like shit.”
“JD always gives me a hell hangover.”
“You want me to make you something to eat? A breakfast sandwich?”
“Ergh. Not sure about food yet.”
She giggled. God, he was going to miss her laugh.
After setting the last of the stands into a box, he headed into the kitchen. Lexi brewed the coffee.
He glanced at the clock. The minutes were ticking by too fast. His heart didn’t want to face life without her, but it had to. “So, our first big gig outside our in-house stint is in four weeks, on Saturday, the eighth of February. You gonna come?”
“I’ll be there. I promise.”
“Won’t you have to check with your new bosses?”
“Nope. It’s already in our schedule.”
He sat opposite her at their small square table on their foldout chairs and sipped his steaming coffee. It hurt knowing this would be their last morning having coffee together for weeks. This was something they’d done every morning for years.
She stared into her cup. “You got your place to stay all set?”
“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. Small talk sucked. “Kilt’s dad got us a house.”
“Four guys under one roof. Total bachelor pad.”
A furrow wedged into his brow. “I’ve never lived with guys before. Is that weird?” After spending most of his school years and the first six months of college with foster families, he’d gotten a part-time job and moved in with Lexi. Seemed like a lifetime ago.
Lexi blew into her cup. “You guys are going to have loads of fun. Enjoy yourself. Promise me?”
“It won’t be the same without you.” The truth hurt.
The buzzer rang. Shit. Hayden got up and pressed the intercom.
“Heeeey! What’s up, motherfucker?” Kilt’s voice crackled through the speaker. “You ready to roll?”
Crap. Kilt was early. Hayden glanced at Lexi, and his heart screamed. He didn’t want to leave her. He wanted to reach out and never let her go. He closed his eyes. “Yeah, man. Come on up.” He pressed the button.
Moments later Kilt, Reg and Lewis slammed through the door.
“Lexi. Baby.” Reg held out his arms. “Give me a hug goodbye.”
She gave everyone a quick embrace. But she was quiet. Kept glancing at him. Fuck, this was harder than he’d thought.
“Let’s move.” Kilt clapped his hands. “Let’s get your shit in the truck and hit the road.”
The guys grabbed boxes and bags and headed out the door. After a couple of trips, his gear was crammed into the removal truck. Standing on the sidewalk as cars zipped down the narrow street, he dusted his hands off on his jeans. “Guys, I need a few minutes to say goodbye to Lex.” Nausea pooled in his gut; it twisted and turned in tight knots.
“No worries, man.” Kilt lit a cigarette. “We’ll wait here. Don’t be fucking long.”
Hayden dashed up the stairs into his apartment. He stood in the middle of the living room and took in his home one last time. Fuck. His empty bedroom, visible though the open door, looked weird without his bed. The living room looked twice the size without his drums filling the corner. Even his towel was gone from the bathroom’s shower railing.
Lexi came out of the kitchen, head down, hands stuffed into the pockets of her hoodie.
His heart cried; tears threatened to fall. “So . . . this is it. This is goodbye.”
She nodded, crying a flood of tears. He stepped forward and wiped the dampness from her cheek. “We’re going to be okay. You know that.” Their friendship would survive, but his heart was far from ready. It needed time to heal.
She nodded again. “I’m gonna miss you.”
“Me too.” His voice had no volume. “More than you’ll ever know.”
“Come here, goose.” She held out her arms and he fell into her embrace.
Closing his eyes, he squeezed her tight. He just stood there, holding her. Unable to let go.
She sobbed against his shoulder. Fuck, she was killing him. Breaking his heart again and again. A lone tear slid down the side of his nose.
“You better go.” She tapped him on the ass.
“Yeah.” He wiped his eyes with his palm and stepped back. He stroked his hand over her perfect curls. Glided his fingertips down the side of her face. Smoothed his thumb across her lips. Before he turned into an utter mess, he had to get out of there. “See you in a month.” He turned and headed toward the door.
“Hayden,” she called out, her voice a croaky whisper.
He stopped, stared at the old floorboards. Fuck, his heart couldn’t handle this.
“I’m going to miss you. So much.”
His vision clouded with tears. She still couldn’t say what he wanted to hear. He wanted her to tell him she loved him. Tell him to stay. Tell him to be hers. But . . . no such luck.
It killed him because he still loved her. So fucking much it hurt.
This was it. This was goodbye.
He turned and took one last glance at her perfect lips, gorgeous hair, beautiful face. Took one last fill of her floral scent. He wanted to rush and kiss her, hold her, memorize her touch, her taste, with every cell in his body one last time. But no. Too much damage had been done. “Bye Lex.”
He spun on his heels and rushed for the door. He left his heart behind on the floor.
Lexi was right.
Love hurt. Love killed you inside.
Love. Totally. Sucked.
Chapter 21
Lexi’s cell phone beeped. What the . . . ? She fumbled in the dark then grabbed it off the nightstand. As she rubbed her eyes to focus, Hayden’s name lit the screen. Finally. But at three a.m?
She’d heard from him only once since he’d left for Boston a week ago. He’d sent a text to say he made it, but hadn’t replied to any of her dozens of messages and calls since. That hurt. She hadn’t been able to sleep well or eat, and struggled to face each day. She missed him like crazy, worried about him constantly. Without him there, her heart felt as empty as a dry well. The gut-wrenching look on his face when they’d said goodbye still burned her brain.
She’d nearly caved, had wanted to beg him to stay and for him to forgive her so many times before he left. The tug, the ache, the burn for him inside her chest threatened to escape. The words had hovered on her tongue. But letting him go was for the best. For their careers, their lives, and the survival of their friendship.
She opened his message. It read:
I miss you.
She replied.
Miss you too.
Seconds later, he video called.
“What are you doing?” she whispered, like she might wake someone. Problem was, there was no one to wake. Just her. In her bed. Alone.
“Aaaangel.” His face filled the screen as his voice hollered through the speaker. Oh my God, he was drunk. “I miss you. So fucking much.”
The noise in the background was deafening—music and laughter and cheering.
“What’s going on?” She tugged and straightened the pillow beneath her head. “You having a party? At this hour?”
His bloodshot eyes widened as he drunkenly grinned. “It’s been one big fucking party since we got here. It’s insane.”
Glass shattered behind him, and he burst into raucous laugher. “Reg, you dick.”
“Fuck you, Hayds.” Reg’s voice slurred somewhere off-screen.
Lexi tried to block out the distractions, focus on Hayden. “Why haven’t you texted or called?”
“Wait. What?” He tapped his ear. “I can’t hear you. Hold on.”
The party noise drifted into the distance as he ran upstairs, down a hallway and into a room. He closed the door behind him, blocking out the music. “Sorry, what was that?” His voice, louder and clearer without the rage going on behind him, sounded like he was right next to her. She wished he was.
“Why haven’t you called?” she repeated.
He flopped on his bed, put his bottle on the nightstand. Rubbed his fingers over his scruffy chin. “Because thinking of you fucking hurts, Lex. I don’t think I’ve been sober since I left.”
She gripped her cell phone hard, fought the sting in her eyes. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Yeah, well. You did.”
“I’m sorry.” She touched the screen, stroked her finger over the image of his hair, wishing she could erase the worry lines embedded in his brow.
He closed his eyes, his jaw tense. “I want us to work.”
“We do work. As friends.”
“Fuck being friends. I want more.”
Her heart constricted like a boa crushing its prey. This hurt would pass. “I can’t give you more.”
“You did.” His voice, backloaded with anguish, struck her in the guts. “For nearly three weeks I had all of you. And you had me. We were so fucking happy.” His eyes reddened as he raked his fingers through his hair. “Why give up on us?”
“I told you why.” Love . . . she didn’t love him. Travel would strain an intimate relationship. She didn’t want to risk falling in love with him only to watch it die. Like all love did. Their friendship meant too much.
“It’s bullshit. Complete bullshit.” He grabbed his beer. “I need another drink.”
“Hayden, wait,” she called out before he stood. Shaking her head, the pillow rustled beneath her curls. “Don’t shut me out. Please don’t be angry. You’re my best friend.”
He closed his eyes and nodded. “I need more time.”
“How much time?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay.” Her chin trembled. “I’m here for y
ou. Always.”
He responded with a not-in-the-way-I-want-you glare.
Changing the subject might cheer him up. “I start with Everhide on Monday.”
“That’s . . . awesome.” He swayed in the darkness. “Everything you ever wanted. Right?”
The chill in his tone slid like a puck on ice and struck her hard in the chest. She’d hurt him but she hadn’t thought it was this bad. “Yeah, it is.”
“Look, I gotta go.” He stood, headed for the door. “You still gonna come to our first big gig?”
“Um, yeah. Three weeks, right?”
“Yeah. I’ll see you then.”
He hung up. Her screen turned black and the room filled with darkness. It wasn’t the kind of call she’d expected. Sniffling and rubbing her nose, she hugged her phone against her breast. The ache in her chest wouldn’t subside. She cared about him so much. How long was he going to be upset with her? Friends were supposed to forgive each other. Fear of losing him raised its ugly head in the back of her mind. No. Don’t go there. Giving him time to heal was the only thing she could do.
But the next couple weeks didn’t improve their relationship.
She texted him, but his responses were rarely more than an emoji. She called him, but he cut her off as he was often drunk or distracted by his band. Her new job had kept her flat-out busy—writing articles, doing her first studio photo shoot of Everhide, and flying to LA with them for the Grammys where they won ‘Song of the Year’. But when she was at home, she missed Hayden, their long talks and not being able to tell him about her exciting new role. Hated that she couldn’t just go and see him.
While she was working with Kate on Everhide’s marketing schedule a few days before Hayden’s first big gig in Boston, he sent the details for a party to be held at his place on the night before their gig. No message of ‘Can’t wait to see you’—just the time and his new address. She dropped her cell phone on the desk and couldn’t believe they hadn’t had a decent conversation in weeks.
As Lexi traveled to Boston with her four friends and their security team, uncertainty about what to expect sat like a lump of lard in her gut. By eight o’clock in the evening, they checked into their hotel near Hayden’s place, freshened up, and headed to his house for the party.
