Die, Brony, Die

by Paul Neuhaus

  Adrestia superheated the air and directed it in a beam—not at us but at our severed siren head. The effect was just like the old magnifying glass versus the ants trick. Right in Keri’s hand, the head burst into flames. It didn’t stop singing until the fire reached its mouth, then it gave a kind of gurgle and went silent. “Fuck!” the teenager said, having no choice but to throw the suddenly useless item overboard.

  So, yeah, that was a blow. Without Perseus’ famous head trick, we had no way of containing the Kraken’s advance or, perhaps more importantly, keeping Addie from hurling spells-a-plenty our way.

  I realized that we had a demigoddess of our own on our team, but I was reluctant to get Keri into a firefight with her mom. For one thing, Addie was more practiced, and, for another, I didn’t want to put the teenager at risk. I handed the pithos back to her and yanked the terrycloth out of my ears. She followed suit. “You said you wanted to go Ghostbusting with me... Well, now’s your chance. I feel like you’re gonna know what to do when the time comes, so keep your eyes open.”

  Keri nodded and what I did next shocked the hell out of her. I leapt off of Pegasus’ back and pointed my plummeting form at the Kraken below us.

  As I fell, I shaped myself into a dart with the gladius as the point. When I landed, I was exactly where I wanted to be, in the center of the Kraken’s forehead. The golden sword entered his skull and, using it as an anchor, I first went slack and then I pulled myself up, my bare feet finding purchase in the wrinkled expanse between the monster’s eyes. With one foot still planted and one hand on the gladius, I kicked the pommel of the blade, driving it in further. Beneath me, the Kraken screamed, and I thought to myself, Now would be a good time, Keri.

  Sure enough, I’d delivered a fatal blow to the heart of the Kraken’s brain. Its eyes rolled over white and the thick gray cloud of its spirit began drifting out of the wound I’d made. It drifted up and then got yanked like a skydiver opening his shoot. I spared a glance over my shoulder and I could see Keri above us with the pithos open. The Kraken’s essence was flowing rapidly into the clay jug.

  Adrestia screamed—both out of fear and out of rage. She threw caution aside and began running up the Kraken’s back toward me. Her ascent was complicated by the fact the now-soulless monster was beginning to fall. In less than a second, it’d be a beached land-whale far from the edge of the Valley.

  It looked like we’d just won a victory.

  It didn’t look that way for long.

  Addie didn’t come for me. Instead, she found a place on the Kraken’s back where she could stand still, and she used the steady ground as a platform. She reengaged her long-distance weapon. She super-cooled the air until it formed a flying chunk of ice. The flying chunk of ice struck the pithos so that it was pointed away from the Kraken’s swiftly retreating essence. When it became free of the mystic suction of my jug, the essence snapped back and reconstituted. As I looked on, it acted under its own power to jet upward at Keri and Pegasus. My heart skipped a beat when I thought that it might retake the teenaged girl, but that’s not what it did. It made the smart play and took Pegasus, flowing into him through every available orifice. With one movement, the possessed horse flipped Keri off of its back and swooped in to catch Addie before its old body hit the ground.

  I yelled as I watched Keri fall, but I needn’t have worried. She pointed her hands downward and created a jet of air to slow her fall. The two of us hit the ground non-fatally at about the same time—her on her feet and me on top of an eighty-foot Kraken. As soon as we realized we weren’t dead, we both looked in the direction of the Valley and saw the diminishing dot that was Adrestia on the back of our stolen flying horse.

  “Well, fuck,” Keri said.

  7

  (Week-)Old Friends

  Keri joined me by the fallen Kraken. The day was turning into a hot one and the massive creature was already starting to stink. “What now?” she said.

  “I’m thinking. And I’m totally open to ideas.”

  “How long do you think it’ll take my mom to get to these caves of yours?”

  I made a pfft noise. “On Pegasus? No time at all. You’ve got Google on your phone, right?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “Do me a favor and see if you can find the number for my friend. Her name is Amanda Venables. Vee ee en ay bee el ee es.”

  “I’m on it,” she said, and she dug her iPhone out of her pocket.

  Since there was nothing for me to do that’d have a direct impact on our most significant problem, I started looking around on the ground for a container—preferably one with a lid. I was right to trust in my fellow man’s slovenly nature. I found a travel-sized shampoo bottle that was mostly empty. I dumped out the rest of the shampoo and held the bottle up to the Kraken’s wound. Once the bottle was about half full, I put the cap back on and stuck it into the pocket of my robe.

  “Ew,” Keri said. “Why the hell’d you do that?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “I found your friend. Her phone number’s in her Linked In profile—which is damned stupid if you ask me. What with all the weirdos out there.”

  I smiled. “In this case, we’re the weirdos.”

  The teen handed me the phone and told me to tap the number on the screen when I was ready. I was ready. Amanda picked up after three rings. “Hello?” she said. “Who is this? I don’t recognize this number. Is this Larry? It better as fuck not be Larry.”

  I’d spent a couple of crazy days with Amanda the week before and I hadn’t heard thing one about any Larry. My curiosity got the better of me. “Who’s Larry?”

  A moment of silence passed. “Dora? Is that you?”

  I had a bug in my ear. “Who’s Larry?” I said again.

  “It’s a long story, and I know for a fact that’s not why you called.”

  Despite the handshake she’d given me when we parted, I knew she was still sore at me for beheading her and bringing her back to life. People are sensitive about stuff like that. “Remember when there was a crazy lady trying to open up the subterranean prison the Titans are kept in and, to defend it, you and Connie became the new lord and lady of the Underworld?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, I hate to say it, but I think there might be another crazy lady headed to the Underworld to open up the subterranean prison the Titans are kept in.”

  “Huh,” she replied. “Can I get out of being the lady of the Underworld this time?”

  “Trouble in paradise?” I asked, concerned.

  “Well, you know. It was a big decision and, when you get down to it, I really didn’t know Connie all that long, and now I’m committed to him in the worst way. We’ve got this whole land of the dead thing we gotta run together and I’m not sure we’re totally compatible. What’re you doing right now? Can we meet for coffee and talk about it?”

  I caught myself and remembered I didn’t call to make small talk. “We can totally talk about it,” I said. “But I wasn’t kidding about the crazy lady headed your way. She’s riding on Pegasus. The winged horse. And she’s gonna try and enter through Bronson Caves.”

  Venables sighed. “We really need to seal that shit up. It’s nothing but trouble.”

  “Agreed, but that’s a Later Problem. Right now, we’ve got a Now Problem.”

  “Right. The crazy lady. What can we do?”

  "First, you’ve gotta keep her from the Tartarus grate—or preferably out of the Underworld all together.”

  “Hold on.” She put her cellphone on her shoulder and I heard her talking with someone there with her. Connie no doubt.

  When she came back, I had to ask her: “Was Connie sitting there the whole time you said you weren’t sure you and he were compatible?”

  “No, he just got back from the shitter.”

  “Oh, okay. Good.” I liked Connie and I didn’t want him hurt by any reckless disregard for his feelings.

  “So... There’s a woman headed toward us and she’s cray cray
and she’s riding on a Pegasus. Where’re you?”

  “She’s riding on the Pegasus. It’s not like all winged horses are called Pegasuses. It’s a proper name not a species.”

  “I’ll remember that, but I can’t help thinking it’s not important right now.”

  “Okay, you’re right. It’s not. I’m on the edge of the Valley. Somewhere near Calabasas. Don’t ask me how I got here ‘cause it’s a long fucking story.”

  “Alright. Hold up. There’s this thing on here called ‘Find My Friends’.” Her voice went away, and I could hear her tapping on the screen with her fingertips. “Got you,” she said when she came back. “Stay right there.”

  “It’s not like we were gonna—”

  I was cut off when a hole appeared in the ground and Amanda rose up out of it. She was wearing a long black grown and the iron crown which was the badge of her office. When she first appeared, she was smiling. When she saw the dead Kraken, she almost shit herself. “What in the name of Jesus, Mary and Joseph is that?!”

  “It’s a Kraken,” I replied. “You’ve never seen a Kraken before?”

  “I most certainly have not. Who’s your friend?”

  We both looked over at Keri Wiener and Keri waved at Venables. “That’s Keri,” I said. “She’s with me. And, just so you won’t be surprised by something she does later, she’s a demigoddess.”

  Amanda nodded. “Cool. Why don’t you both step into my hole.”

  As Keri and I obliged, I laughed like both Beavis and Butthead. “You said ‘hole’.”

  Venables rolled her eyes. “You can be insufferable sometimes.”

  When we resurfaced in the central chamber of the Underworld, I felt like I’d just left the place. I kinda had. Connie—AKA Constantine Constantinides—was there to meet us. He looked like Josh Groban in a black, crushed velour suit and an iron crown. “What the hell’s happening?” he said. “Haven’t we earned a little peace and quiet?”

  I looked around. The Underworld was, in general, one of the quietest places I’d ever been. It was filled with wandering shades, but they kept to themselves and rarely spoke—much less wailed or gnashed their teeth. “Hey, if it was up to me...” I said.

  “What’re we up against?” he said.

  “Same type of deal. A revenge-addled chick wants to let the Titans out of Tartarus.”

  “Oh, fer fuck’s sake.”

  I turned to Keri. “Maybe this isn’t the right time for it, but I just wanted to point out to you that not all the women of Greek mythology are hormonal nutbags.”

  “You’re reasonably together,” the girl replied, meaning it.

  I laughed. “Were you not paying attention during the part where your dad broke up with me and I went into hiding for more than ten years?”

  “That’s better than a lust for world domination which is apparently what my mom’s got.”

  “Granted.” I turned to Constantinides. “This is my new friend Keri. It’s her mom that wants to steal your exiled gods.”

  “We’ll try not to hold that against her,” Amanda said.

  “What do you got for me in terms of defenses?” I said, looking around.

  Connie shrugged. “You’re looking at it. I’m thinking it’s mostly just the four of us.”

  Amanda sighed in a way that showed she was frustrated sharing the Underworld with a man who might not be on top of his game. “Don’t forget the Erinyes,” she said. “We’ve got the Erinyes,” she added, addressing it to Keri and me.

  “What’s an Erinyes?” Keri asked, legitimately, I thought.

  I was the one that answered. “They’re also known as the Furies. They’re hanging from the ceiling up where we can’t see them. Mostly they’re for keeping the dead in line, but they’ll attack anything that attacks the Underworld. Just so you won’t be too surprised when you see one, they’re like these little demon things with lady heads.”

  “Of course, they are,” Wiener replied. “Why wouldn’t they be? By the way, don’t you think I’m doing a great job of not completely cracking up? I mean there’s ghosts everywhere and creepy stalagmites and whatnot. It’s like being in the Haunted Mansion only it’s real as fuck.”

  “Hey, that’s what I thought the first time I came down here,” I said, pointing at the girl to acknowledge our shared observation.

  “You get used to it,” Connie said. Like he was some kind of old hand at running afterlifes. He’d been in charge for less than a week.

  “Can we focus here, people?” Venables asked, clearly right on the edge of getting testy.

  “Okay,” I said, turning in place so I faced away from the main gate. I was looking in the direction of the Bronson Caves entrance, the way Amanda and I had entered when we’d come down to recover my lost pithos. “Adrestia—that’s our villain’s name—should be coming from that direction. She made a beeline over the Valley toward the Caves. I expect she’ll take one of the sinkholes down.”

  “Or the weird vagina door you and I used,” the Queen of the Underworld said.

  That gave Constantinides pause. “There’s a vagina door?”

  “We can talk about it later. If she’s coming from that direction, she’s bound to meet Cerberus. He likes to hang out in that wing. It’s a little cooler. Why don’t you do that whistle thing and hip him to the situation?”

  Amanda was referring to the fact I’d mastered a whistle that could get Cerberus, the three-headed dog’s attention. “If I do that, won’t he just come running? It’s not like I can lace the whistle with Morse code.”

  “So maybe not then.”

  Then I had a dark thought. Pegasus was a wonderful means to an end for Adrestia. She needed him to get her from the edge of the Valley to Griffith Park. Once that was accomplished, she didn’t need him anymore. In fact, he wouldn’t be particularly useful at all in the Underworld. What if she had the Kraken vacate Pegasus and enter Cerberus? A big, bitey dog’d be a much more useful ally in the Underworld than a flying horse. Without giving it another thought, I put two fingers into my mouth and gave a shrill whistle that caused my three friends to clamp their hands over their ears. A few minutes later, Cerberus—the biggest fucking pooch you’ve ever seen—came bounding across the river Styx to stand in front of us. He leaned down and licked my whole face with one of his giant heads. It was sloppy and gross, but the affection was appreciated.

  Once we were all in attendance, we turned our attention back toward the entrance Adrestia would likely use. We watched for a good while, but nothing happened.

  “Retrace your steps for me,” Connie said. “How far did you make it before you lost this crazy lady?”

  “We started at sea,” I replied. “We followed her ’til she came ashore just above Malibu. Then she struck inland and we lost her not too long after. Somewhere near Calabasas.”

  The new custodian of the Underworld nodded. “Right. And everything I hear about Pegasus is that he’s super-fast.”

  “Oh, yeah. Crazy fast.”

  “No doubt about it,” Keri added. “The ride in scared the piss out of me.”

  “Wait...” Amanda said. “You guys were on Pegasus? I thought you said the crazy lady was on Pegasus.”

  I sighed. “We had our flying horse hijacked, okay? Look, I’m not proud of it, but that’s what happened.”

  Constantinides grinned at my discomfort. “On surface streets, Calabasas to Bronson Caves is a hike, but flying—especially on a super-fast Pegasus—wouldn’t be too bad. I guess what I’m saying is—”

  “‘Shouldn’t she be here by now?’”

  Venables raised an eyebrow. “Maybe there was a delay at the Burbank Airport.” She turned to her partner in crime. “Remember the last time we had to land our Pegasus at Burbank? It was a nightmare.”

  I was starting to get annoyed. “Yeah, yeah.”

  After another long moment of staring, Amanda spoke again. “By the way,” she said. “Why’re you nearly naked? I mean your ass is hanging out of that robe.”

&
nbsp; Connie nodded. “Right. Yeah. I wasn’t gonna say anything, but... yeah.”

  I closed my eyes and counted to ten. “It’s a really long fucking story, okay? As soon as I get into it, Addie’s gonna show up and we’ll lose the thread, so I’ll tell it after. In the meantime, anyone who’s offended by my ass, should kindly divert their eyes.”

  Connie spoke way too quickly for his own good. “Well, I wouldn’t say offended. Offended’s not the right word. It’s more like—” He was cut off by Amanda’s punch to his right shoulder. He stood rubbing that shoulder with a pouty expression during the next bout of watching and waiting.

  Finally, Keri said, “Let’s take stock... My mom's a really volatile person. An emotional whirlwind. Could it be we’ve guessed wrong? Maybe she wasn’t coming here. Maybe she was going to get revenge on someone in, say, Sherman Oaks and we missed the signs. Maybe we got some bad intel.”

  Hope cooed at the word “intel”.

  The teenager had me thinking. “Okay, okay. I see what you’re saying, but the intel came from Hermes—as he was dying. And telling me he wished I was his daughter. That’d be some low-down dirty shit to do. To pass someone bad intel as you’re dying and telling them they’re good people.”

  “Well, what was the intel? What did he say exactly?”

  I thought back over the vision Hermes and I shared as I was in transit from Olympus back to Acadine. “He didn’t say anything per se. I entered into his memories. I saw how he and Medea and Adrestia planned the Free the Titans heist and how Medea hijacked it.”

  “So, you were halfway between Olympus and the paddock with Pegasus and all of us and my mom?”

  “Yeah,” I replied, still not catching her drift.

  “Are you one hundred percent sure what you saw were my grandpa’s memories?”