Just a Dog

by Michael Gerard Bauer

  That’s why Mister Mosely didn’t end up looking much like a proper Dalmatian at all. He was just too big and too white. And according to Uncle Gavin, Moe’s fur was longer than it should’ve been and his head was too ‘boofy’ and ‘boxy’ and it didn’t have the ‘classic Dalmatian curves’.

  But I didn’t care about any of that stuff. I liked Mister Mosely just the way he was and if I had to choose between him and a real Dalmatian – even one that cost a lot of money and won heaps of prizes and ribbons at stupid dog shows – I’d pick Mister Mosely every time. Same as I did when he was a puppy.

  The only thing I hated Uncle Gavin saying was one time when he called Mister Mosely ‘Frankenstein’s dog’. He said that because he reckoned Moe was big and scary the way Frankenstein was and he said they’d both been ‘thrown together from spare parts’.

  That was a stupid thing to say. Moe wasn’t any kind of monster. Nobody who knew him properly was ever scared of him. Not even Amelia. Not even when she was so little she had to stand on her toes and stretch right up just so she could pat him on the back and Moe could have swallowed her in about two gulps if he wanted to.

  Amelia was never scared of Mister Mosely. But I reckon Mister Mosely definitely should have been scared of her.

  6 Mister Mosely and Amelia

  My sister Amelia was always doing terrible stuff to Mister Mosely.

  It started when she was little and she used to climb all over him and hold his ears up in the air and turn him into a ‘wabbit’ or pull the skin out around his mouth and eyes just to make him look stupid.

  It got worse when she was a bit bigger. That’s when she started dressing him up. She made Moe wear all these wigs and dumb hats and scarves and she put big plastic earrings on him and decorated him with flowers and tinsel and all sorts of stuff. Moe always let Amelia do whatever she wanted. He just sat there and waited till she got bored or someone came and rescued him.

  One of the worst things Amelia did was the day she found a packet of glitter in Mum’s scrap-book drawer and covered Mister Mosely with it. Then she brought him in to show everyone how ‘sparkly’ he looked. Wherever Moe went he left a trail of glitter behind him, and before we could get him outside he did one of those giant shakes he does after you give him a wash and all this glitter sprayed everywhere. Dad said it was better than the Sydney Harbour Bridge fireworks on New Year’s Eve.

  Mum wasn’t happy at all about the glitter going everywhere, but Amelia told her it was fairy dust and that Mister Mosely was a magic fairy dog and he was spreading his ‘good-luck doggie magic’ all around the world.

  But it wasn’t very good luck for Mum and Dad and me. They had to clean up all the mess inside and I had to give Mister Mosely a bath to try and get the glitter off him. That wasn’t easy. Even after two washes he still sparkled a bit. So did I, on account of halfway through his first wash he did another one of his giant shakes and I got totally soaked.

  But the glitter wasn’t the worst thing Amelia ever did to Mister Mosely. What she did with the marking pens was way worse. What happened was, one day when no one was looking, Amelia got some thick marking pens and drew all over Mister Mosely with them. She drew big round black glasses and bushy red eyebrows and a weird-looking moustache and some spiky hair on top of his head. Then she tried to draw a tie and collar around his neck, but they didn’t turn out too good.

  We only found out what Amelia did when she came and said she had a ‘big surprise’ to show us. Then she made us all come downstairs, and she brought Mister Moe out from under the house and said, ‘Ta-daaaa!’, like she’d done some kind of magic act or something.

  Mum and Dad tried to go cross on her, but when they looked at Mister Mosely’s face, they both started laughing and then they couldn’t stop. They laughed so much they had tears coming out of their eyes and Mum had to run to the bathroom because she said she was going to be sick. Every time she tried to come back, Mister Mosely just had to look at her and make his drawn-on eyebrows go up in the air and Mum would run away again holding her stomach. She laughed so much, one time I think I heard her make a little fart noise, and I didn’t think Mum even did that kind of stuff.

  Moe had no clue what was going on that day. He just stood there wagging his tail and half-barking, half-whining at us, trying to figure it out. He probably thought everyone had gone crazy. Then Dad got a mirror and held it up so he could see what Amelia had done to him. When Moe saw himself in the mirror, his ears and his new bushy eyebrows stuck up in the air. Then he twisted his head right around one way and then the other, like he couldn’t work out what he was looking at. That made Mum go tearing off to the bathroom again.

  It was only after I gave Mister Mosely a bath to clean him up that we found out the pen Amelia used for Moe’s red eyebrows was a permanent ink one. After his first wash, when the eyebrows didn’t come off, Mum said, ‘Poor old Moe – what has she done to you?’ Then she got another fit of the giggles.

  It took a long time and lots of washes and scrubbing for those eyebrows to come totally off, so Mister Mosely went around for ages looking really surprised all the time.

  It was bad what Amelia did, drawing all that stuff on Mister Mosely, but she was only little and I guess it didn’t really hurt Moe at all. Besides, it was sort of good too because of how it made Mum and Dad laugh so much they cried. Afterwards Amelia said she was sorry and Mum made her promise not to do anything like that again. But Dad said if we ever needed any extra money we could always rent Mister Mosely out as a whiteboard.

  Mum gave Dad a punch on the arm for that. Just a pretend one though.

  7 Mister Mosely and Strangers

  Mister Mosely didn’t ever scare Amelia but he did scare some people, even if he didn’t mean to.

  Like there was this one time when I was pretty little and we all went to a big fair thing down in the park. There were lots of stalls and rides and stuff and heaps and heaps of people. We took Mister Mosely along too because there was a dog competition. Moe won two prizes, one for Biggest Dog and one for Friendliest Dog. That just shows how people shouldn’t have been afraid of him. Sometimes they were but, and there were two people at the fair that day who Moe really scared.

  It all started when I got lost in the crowd. Mum was taking Amelia to the toilets and Dad was talking to someone about Mister Mosely. I was supposed to ‘stay close and not wander off’ but I went to have a look at this donkey that was taking kids for rides. I followed it around for a while without really thinking and then I couldn’t find my way back. I must have headed off the wrong way, because I ended up at some part of the park I hadn’t even seen before.

  When I couldn’t find Mum and Dad anywhere I got really worried. It was getting dark and some people were starting to pack up to go home. I thought maybe I’d been left behind and I might have to sleep in the park all night. Pretty stupid, I know, but that’s what I thought. I remember I cried a little bit. I couldn’t help it. Then this man and lady found me.

  I told them how I was lost and they said I could come with them. They gave me something to drink and some hot chips, which made me feel a lot better. Their car was parked on the road near where we were and they said there was a police station right around the corner and they would drive me there and then the police would phone Mum and Dad up and they’d come and get me. They said I should hurry up and go with them straight away, because Mum and Dad would be really worried about me. They seemed nice, so that’s what I did.

  Their car was a pretty bomby-looking one though. The lady got in the front to drive and the man said he would sit with me in the back so I wouldn’t be alone. He had a blanket there too in case I got cold. He opened the door for me to get in and that’s what I was going to do when I heard Mister Mosely barking. I knew it was him straight away because his bark was so deep and he sort of howled a bit when he barked too.

  It took me a while to spot Moe because there were still plenty of people walking about everywhere. Then I saw him and Dad. They were right across
the other side of the park so I shouted out at them as loud as I could. Dad didn’t hear me because I could see him still looking around everywhere trying to find me. But Moe heard me all right and as soon as he did he yanked the lead from Dad’s hand and came charging across the park swerving his way in between all the people and nearly knocking some of them over.

  I was really happy to see Moe charging at me that day and I could tell he was really happy to see me too. But I guess the man and the lady didn’t know Moe was just being happy. I guess he must have looked pretty scary to them with his white face and his dark eyes and him being so big and running full speed straight at them and barking and howling with his mouth flopping around everywhere.

  Anyway, before I could tell them it was just old Moe happy to see me, the man jumped into the car and slammed the door shut and wound up the window. Then the lady drove off so fast the tyres spun round and dust and dirt went everywhere. They were already gone when Moe got there, so he just barked a bit at the car when it went down the road and then he licked me half to death.

  When Dad found us he was pretty cross at me for not staying where I was supposed to, so I didn’t tell him about the man and the lady. I figured he wouldn’t like me talking to strangers and I knew he definitely wouldn’t be happy if he found out I was going to get into their car.

  The end of this story is that after, when we were driving away from the park, I asked Mum where the police station was and she said there wasn’t one. She said the nearest one was miles away in the next suburb.

  I didn’t ask any more questions after that. I just sat in the back seat and held on to Mister Mosely all the way home.

  8 Things That Scared Mister Mosely

  I guess Mister Mosely frightened some people because he was so big and maybe kind of scary-looking. But there were lots of things that frightened him too.

  Way back when he wasn’t fully grown, the first thing that scared him was thunder. One night we had this big storm. It started with just a bit of lightning and stuff. Mister Mosely was out on the porch and he was already shaking and whining a bit. Then a big boom came. I thought a plane or something had crashed on to the roof.

  Anyway, Mister Moe forgot all about Mum’s ‘no dogs inside’ rule and bolted straight in through the back door. He was going really fast, and when he tried to stop, his feet skidded all over the place like he was a cartoon dog. Then he ran into my room and hid under my bed. He was shaking so much and he looked so scared that Mum said he could stay there ‘just this once’ until the storm was over.

  I guess Mum forgot about the ‘just this once’ bit because after that, whenever there was a storm with even a tiny bit of thunder, Mister Mosely ran inside. And it was always my bed he hid under. When he got bigger he had to squeeze himself flat just to fit, and the bed would lift up on one side. I don’t think we could have got him out then even if we’d wanted to.

  When I was little and Mister Mosely was under my bed I used to crawl under with him, especially when there was a bad storm and the thunder got really loud like someone setting off bombs. I’d pretend we were hiding in a cave together.

  I liked being under the bed with Moe. I used to put my head on his chest and listen to him breathing and his heart beating. He was so big and strong I didn’t think any storm would ever be bad enough to blow him away. I just held on to Moe’s neck and I felt safe. The first time Mum and Dad found me like that I told them I was looking after Mister Mosely so he wouldn’t be too frightened. I guess they probably knew it was really the other way around.

  But it wasn’t just thunder that frightened Mister Mosely. Dad’s electric leaf blower was another thing he hated. He hated it so much he wouldn’t go near it even when it was turned off. All you had to do was pretend you were going to pick it up and Moe would run away with his tail between his legs. One day just as a joke Dad started saying, ‘Leeeaf-blower. Leeeaf-blower. I’m going to get the leeeaf-blower,’ in a sort of slow and scary way and Mister Mosely got the shakes. Mum reckoned it was cruel and made Dad stop, but I could tell she was trying not to laugh because Moe looked so funny.

  Even Tiger scared Mister Mosely. Tiger was the skinny cat from next door that didn’t even come halfway up one of Moe’s legs. Tiger belonged to the Contis. They called it Tiger because it had orange stripes. Tiger was a she, and the weird thing about her was, she was totally deaf.

  Mister Mosely wasn’t always scared of Tiger. But one day when she was in our yard just licking her paws Mister Mosely came up behind her and sniffed her. I guess Tiger didn’t hear Moe coming on account of her being deaf, because she got this giant fright and sort of frizzed up and shot straight into the air like she’d stepped on a landmine or something. When she was still in the air Tiger twisted round and turned into some kind of a ninja cat and started hissing and whacking into Mister Mosely’s face with her claws.

  If Moe almost gave Tiger a heart attack when he came up behind her, I reckon Tiger gave Moe a triple heart attack. After that, whenever Tiger came into our backyard Mister Mosely would tear up the back stairs and bark at her from the porch. It didn’t bother Tiger though, because she couldn’t hear a thing. She just walked around our yard as calm as anything. It drove poor old Moe nuts.

  One day Uncle Gavin was over at our place and Mister Mosely started barking at Tiger from the top of the stairs. When he saw Moe up there hiding from Tiger Uncle Gavin called him a ‘sook’ and said he needed to ‘fire up more’. Uncle Gavin was always saying things like that about Moe and always trying to make him angry by teasing him and roughing him up and boxing him around the head a bit. It never worked. Moe just used to wag his tail and wait for Uncle Gavin to get tired of it and give up, same as he did with Amelia.

  It made me angry when Uncle Gavin did that kind of stuff. If Mum or Dad was there they made him stop, but if it was just me Uncle Gavin would keep doing it. Sometimes I used to wish that Mister Moe would ‘fire up’ and really teach Uncle Gavin a lesson, but he never did. He always just waited till it was over. Mister Mosely was good at waiting. Mum said he had ‘the patience of a Job’. Job was some guy from the Bible who had heaps of patience. At least that’s what Mum told me.

  There was only one time I can remember when Mister Mosely ever got really angry with someone. On that day he was so ‘fired up’ it was scary. But it wasn’t at Uncle Gavin. I’ll tell you all about that soon, but first I have to tell you about the thing that scared Mister Mosely the most, even more than thunder or the leaf-blower or Tiger.

  I have to tell you about the Pink Panther.

  9 Mister Mosely and the Pink Panther

  Dad got the Pink Panther for Mum way back before they were even married. It’s this giant stuffed toy that’s almost as big as a person and looks just like the Pink Panther in all those cartoons. We call him Pinkie for short.

  Just about every Christmas Dad would tell the story of how he got Pinkie for Mum. What happened was, Dad took Mum to this fete thing and the Pink Panther was the big prize at the Knock ’em Down stall. Mum loved the Pink Panther as soon as she saw it, so Dad really wanted to win it for her. All he had to do was throw some balls and knock down a pile of wooden blocks.

  Dad played heaps of cricket, so it should have been easy, but he reckoned the whole thing was rigged. He said the balls were all light and wobbly and out of shape and some of the blocks must have ‘weighed a ton’ or been ‘nailed down’ because he said he hit them but they didn’t move. Dad spent all his money trying to win the top prize for Mum but he couldn’t do it. Mum wanted him to stop because she was worried about him losing all his money, but he kept going. Mum says that just shows Dad’s ‘stubborn streak’.

  Anyway, Dad ran out of money so Mum didn’t get her prize, but the next time they went out, Dad told Mum he’d hired a chauffeur for the night. Mum didn’t know what he was talking about. But when she looked in the front seat of Dad’s car, she saw the Pink Panther sitting there like he was the driver. Dad had sticky-taped his paws to the wheel and put one of those dr
iver’s caps on his head.

  How Dad got the Pink Panther was, he borrowed some money from his boss and he went back to the fete the next day and just bought it. He never told Mum how much it cost him but he said he had to do a ‘mountain’ of overtime to pay his boss back. Dad reckoned it was worth it. He said that the Pink Panther earned him lots of ‘brownie points’.

  So that’s how come we had the Pink Panther at our place. I thought he was pretty cool because he was so big, but Mister Mosely didn’t think he was cool at all. He wouldn’t go anywhere near him. And you could tell Moe was really scared, because when he barked at Pinkie he was always shaking so much that the bark came out all wobbly like someone was strangling him at the same time.

  Mum blamed Dad. She said Mister Mosely probably had an ‘inbuilt fear’ of stuffed toys after that teddy-bear alarm clock thing when Moe was a puppy. I just think Mister Mosely thought the Pink Panther was some kind of scary-looking person.

  Most of the time the Pink Panther didn’t worry Moe, because he was locked away in the cupboard. But at Christmas we brought him out and dressed him up as Santa Claus. We used to sit him on a chair next to the Christmas tree in the lounge room. Mister Mosely could see him from the back door. He’d just stare and stare at Pinkie. I think Moe was terrified he was going to move.