by Charity B.
I inwardly groan to myself, wishing I could tell him to forget it, because I still want to know. I still want answers to my questions and I still want to understand.
I sigh, “Yeah, I can get one. Go ahead and bring them by.”
Mag jumps up as I move to go inside, following me all the way into the kitchen. I still have a VCR in one of the guest rooms, and while Cara Jo gives me a curious expression as I carry it downstairs, she doesn’t ask questions. I hook it all up and it’s all set by the time the doorbell rings.
Cara Jo has already let William inside and is grilling him by the time I get back upstairs.
“Thanks, Cara Jo, I got it.”
She keeps her stare on us for a moment before disappearing back into the kitchen. She’s only here to make up the hours for when she goes on vacation, and now I’m wishing I would have just paid her the difference.
“Hey, thanks for getting these. I know breaking and entering was asking a lot.”
He hands me the tapes with a shrug that suggests this wasn’t his first time. “Once I was inside, it was easy. I hope they’re what you’re looking for.”
“Yeah, me too.” I shake his hand. “Thanks again, and if I need your services again, I’ll let you know.”
“I would appreciate that.”
Closing the door behind him, I walk back through the kitchen as Cara Jo inevitably asks, “What are those?”
“Hopefully some answers.” She’s obviously biting back her questions, so I take advantage of her silence to add, “You’re good to go if you want. I’ll pay you for the rest of the day.”
She’s caught off guard enough to forget her curiosity as she says, “Thank you, Alex.”
Once I’m back downstairs, I turn the tapes over. There’s nothing to tell them apart so I pick one and push it into the player. After a few moments of white noise, the times stamp reads March 4, 2002.
With my whiskey bottle in my hand, I sit back in the seat. Tavin’s bedroom flashes onto the screen, and from the view, I would guess the camera is high on the wall or even on the ceiling, allowing me to see across the entire expanse of the space. The room looks the exact same as it does now, other than the missing washer, dryer, table, chairs, and dog cage. The camera is a little shaky and at first glance, the room looks empty, until the shot comes into focus and I spot her huddled in the corner behind a stack of cardboard boxes. Even on the grainy film of old technology, I can clearly see her little body shivering.
A rustling sound of the camera shifting is the only noise before her father’s face takes up the view of the camera. Though he’s much younger, as he backs away, I see his size and aggression haven’t seemed to have changed much over the years. He screams into the seemingly empty room, “Goddamn it, Tavin! Get the fuck out here!”
I watch as little Tavin tries to back up further into the corner and ends up knocking down a few of the boxes, in the process. Brian’s head snaps in her direction before he storms across the room to reach down, grab her, and toss her on the floor behind him.
“Every time with this, you stupid little cunt!”
He’s screaming so loud at her, and I flinch when he brings a booted foot down on her back. She pleads through her sobs, “Daddy, please! Stop!”
This is incredibly difficult to watch. Though I had pretty much assumed abuse, actually witnessing it is something else altogether. The sickness in my gut feels as if it’s spreading throughout my whole body.
“I swear you like getting the shit beat out of you!” He kicks her in the ribs as her wails cause fissures in my heart. “How many times do I have to fucking repeat myself?” Dropping to his knees, he emphasizes each word with a punch somewhere on her small body. “Do. Not. Call. Me. Daddy!”
“I’m sorry!”
Her words come out strained and choppy as she curls her body into a tiny ball. Speaking with him at the prison made it clear he was a horrible person, but looking at her, so small and innocent… how could he hurt her?
She’s shaking as his shadow consumes her tiny frame, and she flinches when he reaches down to pull her up by a fist full of hair. Dragging her to the bed, he picks her up only to slam her down hard on the mattress. She’s struggling to sit up as he reaches into his back pocket and throws something at her.
“Make it fucking quick,” he snaps.
The mattress sinks beneath his weight as he sits down, causing Tavin to lower with it. He rolls up the sleeve on his right arm as she sprinkles what I presume is powdered heroin into a spoon. Brian ties off his arm while she holds a lighter underneath the mixture.
She can’t be more than nine or ten when this was recorded and she knows exactly what she’s doing. When I was ten, I thought I was special because I could belch the entire alphabet.
Once she gives him his fix and his limp body falls against the bed, she cleans up the paraphernalia. When she finishes, she sings and talks to herself like kids do, as though nothing had happened.
I fast forward a little more until I see Brian begin to stir. Her head lifts up to look at him from her place on the floor before she gets up and runs out of the shot.
He becomes lucid, screaming for her and throwing things around before he gives up and climbs the stairs. Fast forwarding again, I reach the end of the tape and Tavin never comes back.
She’s been exposed to drugs her entire life. It makes sense she would use as an adult. I release a big breath to give myself more room to breathe.
As terrible as that was to witness, it isn’t really beyond what I had guessed already.
Ejecting the cassette, I switch it for the other one and shove it into the VCR. The date on this one is time stamped March 6, 2002. Only a couple days after the first.
Considering the disturbing contents of the previous video, I take a big swig of whiskey to prepare for whatever’s coming with this one.
Her room once again comes onto the screen. She’s sitting on the floor, singing to herself as she draws on one of the sparse pieces of sheet-rock behind her bed. Eventually, she gets up and pushes her bed to cover up her picture and turns on an old radio. Blurry plays as she dances around and sings along. Even though I’m angry and hurt, watching her makes me smile.
She grew up with an abusive monster of a father, yet she still found enough beauty in the world to sing and dance. After a while, I fast forward until I see child size Toben come into the picture. He had to have come in through the window-well because he enters from outside of the frame.
“Toben!” Her voice sounds completely different than it does now. Her young voice was much higher pitched. She hugs him as they sit down on her mattress. “Look what I made!” She reaches under her bed and pulls out two rags, holding one out to him. “A prince doll for you and a princess one for me!”
“Tavin, boys don’t play with dolls.”
Her gaze falls to the floor as her shoulders slump. “Oh.”
He puts his arm around her and scoots closer. “Ah, come on, don’t be sad. You need to practice reading first, anyway. Then I will play with the dolls, just don’t tell anyone.”
She looks up at him with a pout. “I don’t want to read.”
“And I don’t want to play with dolls, but I’ll do it for you if you read for me.”
She throws herself back on her bed and groans, “Okay, fine.”
He smiles and pulls some books from his bag. He’s incredibly patient with her and helps her sound out each word when she gets frustrated. Afterward, as promised, he plays with her rag dolls.
I’m enjoying seeing into her past in a way I never thought possible, when a creaking noise quickly transforms into banging. They both look up toward the stairs as two men enter from the stairway. One of the men is carrying the big dog cage while the other has a large duffle.
The moment I realize the identity of the man with the bag, I can’t seem to move a single muscle in my entire body.
Logan must be in his mid to late thirties at this time, and while he’s still tall and lean, his hair is darker
and his skin is much smoother.
The other man in the shot, sets the cage on the floor as he places a tin coffee can next to it. He’s similar to Logan in age and size, though he’s significantly shorter. Logan drops the bag on the floor and strolls up to Tavin and Toben. With his hands on his knees, he leans forward to be eye level with her.
“Do you remember me?”
She nods. “Yes.”
With a smirk, he asks, “Do you know what it means to buy something, Tavin?”
“It means it’s yours.”
“That’s exactly right.” He playfully bops her on the nose. “And you are my newest purchase.”
My mind catches up as I watch him throw her to the floor. Toben flies off the bed to attack him, and is abruptly knocked back by the other man punching him in the chest. It doesn’t stop Toben though, he jumps up to fight them both. It’s heartbreaking to see this little kid trying to protect her as Logan wraps his hand around his neck and lifts him by the throat. He carries him that way to the wall with Toben kicking and fighting the whole way.
“NO!” Tavin screams as she lunges after them. The other man walks up to her and backhands her so hard she’s thrown back to the floor.
“Not the Goddamn face, Kyle!” Logan growls as he slams Toben’s head against an exposed 2x4.
I don’t hear the things he whispers to Toben. Whatever it is, immediately causes him to cease his fighting. Logan drops Toben’s body to the floor and strides back to Tavin.
“Your life is about to change, my little Lotus.” He yanks her to her knees by the front of her dress, causing her head to snap with the force. “Put your hands on your thighs.” As she obeys, he smiles. “You will become well accustomed to this position.” Kneeling down to her level, he continues, “If you comply, things will be much easier for you. Now take off your clothes.”
My soul splinters as I watch her head tic. “W—why?”
“Because you are my new toy and I want to play.”
I literally can’t make myself react. It’s as if I’m not able to process exactly what I’m seeing. I know what I’m watching, but this isn’t real.
It can’t be real.
How many times have I said I want to know her secrets? This is what I thought I wanted. It isn’t. I don’t want to see this.
He doesn’t wait for her to obey as he pushes her onto her back. She kicks and fights and I think she bites him because he pulls his arm back before he yells, and knees her in the stomach.
“Tavin!” Toben cries from across the room, as Kyle holds him back.
Logan whips his head around and barks, “Come here.” Kyle releases Toben as Logan adds, “Hold her down.”
Toben is crying and shaking as he kneels behind her and holds her arms over her head. He keeps his mouth next to her ear as his lips move quickly with inaudible words.
My eyes go back to Logan who’s digging through the black bag. He takes out a stethoscope and kneels in front of Tavin, to press it against her chest. Her body expands as she breathes in as hard as she can. More than I’ve ever wanted anything, I want to climb through the screen and save her. To stop this.
“This shit gets me so fucking hard.” Logan grins back at Kyle, who chuckles in response. Dropping the stethoscope to the floor, he undoes his pants.
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! I squeeze my eyes shut and push off the seat. I can’t do it. I can’t watch anymore of this.
I make my way to the bar as her little screams fill the theater. I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears pouring down my cheeks even if I wanted to.
“Look at me!” He screams it at her over and over and over as she cries the most haunting cries I’ve ever heard.
“Toben! Please Toben! Why won’t you help me?!”
She’s pleading with him. She’s so young and scared. She doesn’t understand that he’s as helpless as she is. Watching her thrash while she had her nightmares runs through my memory. She would always scream his name and this is why.
I’m only able to manage glances at the screen for seconds at a time. It feels wrong to fast forward through it when she actually experienced it. This is the closest I will ever come to understanding her.
Toben’s face is twisted as his lips move feverishly in her ear. She continues to scream his name, and every time she does, Logan hits her. Kyle stands in the corner with his arms crossed, watching until Logan turns to him.
“Get it ready, but not too fucking much this time.”
Kyle grins before bending over the duffle and removing a small bag. He empties its contents on Tavin’s night stand and as soon as I see the spoon, I know what he’s doing. He’s going to inject her.
That’s exactly what he does, and in a way, I’m grateful. The way she describes the high sounds peaceful, and this little girl needs some fucking peace. Almost instantly after he pushes the drugs into her body, she vomits all over Logan. His hands grab her ears as he slams her head against the floor.
“Fucking bitch!” He screams as he rips off his shirt and storms back to the bag. He wraps three small chains around his hand before returning to swing them down onto her limp body. I squeeze my eyes shut, and if anything, it intensifies the sounds.
For over an hour, they destroy her flesh. They cut, rape, and beat her. It’s nothing short of a miracle that she lived through this. The bile burns my throat and I barely make it to the sink at the bar.
Finally, her body stirs as she regains some consciousness.
“We’re almost done for today, little Lotus. Now it’s time to exchange gifts.”
Logan stands and once again returns to the black bag as Kyle kneels next to her. My eyes bounce between the two men, not knowing who will be the next one to hurt her. I look back at Logan and he’s holding a long piece of iron and a blue blow torch, watching the flame lick at the metal.
Fuck. Her brand. This is how she got it. Kyle wipes her chest with a cloth, while the iron in Logan’s hand begins to glow red. Glaring at Toben, Logan orders, “Hold her tight.”
The hot metal touches her skin, and with surround sound, I can clearly hear it burn. She doesn’t scream and she doesn’t cry. She barely moves at all as Logan lifts his head toward Toben.
“Take off your shirt and get on your knees with your hands behind your head.”
I’m horrified for him. He’s a child living through what I can hardly watch as an adult. He obeys and he lifts his shaking hands behind his head. Kyle cleans off his right shoulder with the cloth before Logan uses the blowtorch to heat the iron once again. I didn’t even know Toben had a brand.
His agonized bellows cause the glasses on the bar to vibrate. “MOTHERFUCKER!” His young voice screams.
Logan points a threatening finger and warns, “Stay.” He picks up a knife from the bag and smiles at Tavin. “You will always have a part of me. Now it’s my turn to keep a part of you.”
He holds the blade over the flame for a couple minutes before he kneels down to pick up her foot. He’s carving into her and she barely makes a sound. After a moment, he holds up a piece of skin to inspect it. His hand reaches into his pocket to pull out a silver locket and gently places it inside. Toben is rocking Tavin in his lap and weeping into her hair. I rub my hand over the sharp ache in my chest.
“Get in the cage.” Logan’s voice is calm and slow. Speaking as if he has all the time in the world.
“Fuck you!” Toben screams.
Smiling, Logan pushes open Tavin’s knees as he holds the knife between her legs. “You want to say that to me again?” Toben frantically shakes his head. “Then get in the fucking cage!”
Toben scrambles to obey as Kyle kicks him inside and locks it.
Logan wraps Tavin’s foot in gauze while she lies there unconscious. Once her foot is wrapped, he picks her up and puts her in bed. As he stands over her, he reaches into his pocket, and when I see what he’s holding, I scoff and I rub my hands over my face.
It’s a fucking lollipop.
Placing it on the pillow next to her head,
he brushes the hair away from her face.
“You were a very good girl, today.”
He kisses her forehead before picking up his bag and climbing up the stairs. Kyle follows behind him, and a moment later, the closing of a door sounds. Seconds of silence fill the room before Toben slams his hands against his cage.
“Tavin!” He’s crying and shaking the cage trying to figure a way to get out. “I’m sorry, Tavin. I’m so sorry”.
She never answers. She stays in the same position while he cries for her until finally the tape runs out.
Even when there’s nothing other than white noise I can’t move. I feel sick. I mourn for those children and the adults they’ve become. There’s a physical heaviness in my chest pulling me to the floor. I’m so deeply…sad. I want to scream for these kids. I want to kill for them. I’ve never seen anything so heinous and obscene before. My feelings for Toben have changed one hundred percent, in the last hour. Their relationship, the way they are, makes exponentially more sense.
I’m not a crier. My father taught me that men don’t cry, so it’s been a very long time since I have, but in this moment, the tears won’t stop.
How could she not tell me?
I know there’s rage present for Logan and Kyle, I simply can’t grasp onto it right now. I can’t even think about it really. All I can think about is holding her as tight as I can. I want to kiss her and plead for her to forgive me. I need her to know that I’m not walking away from this. If she doesn’t want to be with me, it will kill me, but I’ll understand. I’m not going anywhere until I know she’s permanently away from him. That she’s truly safe.
No wonder Toben doesn’t like or trust me. Who knows what they have been through these past thirteen years. To him I’m just another man who wants to use his closest friend.
