by Charity B.
My fist raps on the splintered wooden door and it’s only a moment before it swings open. Toben stands there wearing nothing other than jeans and a stocking cap. There’s a long, old wound that stretches across his chest and when I look to his forearm, he has almost the exact same scar as Tavin, right above their matching tattoo.
He glares at me through clenched teeth. “She’s not here and that’s because of you. So ‘fuck up someone else’s life’ as you so eloquently put it, and leave her alone. She’s not meant for you.”
He tries to close the door when I wrap my arms around him. The raised skin of the brand on his back is smooth beneath my fingertips.
“What the f—”
His body tenses as he presses his arms flat against his sides. It’s the most awkward hug I’ve ever been in. I just don’t know how else to express what I’m feeling. Any words I think of seem inadequate.
“I’ve seen the tape.”
He still looks freaked out from the hug. “Uh…what tape?” I don’t know if he’s playing dumb or if he really doesn’t know it exists.
I slide past him to go inside. “I just need to see.”
If I see her drawing from the video, with my own eyes, maybe this will all sink in and become real enough for me to process.
“Hey! What the hell are you doing?” He yells after me as I barrel down the stairs. As soon as I step onto her concrete floor, I notice the old blood stains scattered across it. Marching to her bed, I pull it from the wall. His footsteps are behind me when he snaps, “We don’t let people down here.”
Her art is here, though it’s nothing like what was on the tape. There’s such a small space to work with that she’s drawn on top of what was already there, many times over.
“You were kids,” I whisper it so softly, he probably doesn’t hear me. “You were just fucking kids.”
I can feel his glare even before he walks in front of me and gets in my face. “Tell me about the motherfucking tape.”
He really doesn’t know. “He recorded it.”
Abandoning his anger for frustration, he throws his hands in the air. “Who recorded what?”
“Right where we’re standing. This is where it happened, isn’t it? The day Logan came down here with that cage and destroyed your lives.” I shake my head to try and erase the images in my mind. “I can’t believe he made you hold her down.”
His chest rapidly rises and falls as he stands there staring at me. As I turn back to her bed, something on the floor catches my attention. At first, it looks like a regular belt, until I pick it up, then I see there are about a dozen little needles protruding from it.
I run my fingers over the sharp points as he says, “It goes around her thigh. The tighter the belt, the deeper the wounds.”
He says it as if he’s giving me facts about the history of toothpaste. How can he be so passive about this? He’s right though, it matches her dotted scars. The needles are spaced further apart on the belt then they are on her thigh, so it must have been used on her repeatedly over time in the exact same location.
“I don’t understand. Why would she want to come back here?”
He shakes his head with a growl. “You keep asking your questions, you keep on digging. So while we’re on the subject, how the fuck did you get a hold of a tape like that?”
“No, Toben. No more skirting answers. Tell me. Why would she leave me for this?” I hold up the belt before tossing it on the bed.
“I’m warning you, one last time. Get out. Leave us alone and go on with your uptight life. You don’t want any part of this.”
“Can you not hear through that beanie? I’m not going anywhere, Toben. I fucking watched it okay? Now tell me why you two are still with him.”
His jaw twitches as he pulls out a cigarette and lights it. “Whatever you saw was only a piece. A snapshot. The very beginning, from the sound of it. You still have no idea what you’re stumbling into.”
“I’m sorry, this shit gets worse?”
His eyes take on a cast as a dark smile lifts his lips. “Oh, it can always get worse.”
“HOW MANY TIMES DID THIS happen?”
He tugs on his beanie and shrugs. “How many hallways are in hell?”
“You’re quite the cryptic little asshole, aren’t you?” He laughs and takes another drag. “I will make them pay for this, Toben. I swear.”
“Yeah, okay.” He scoffs and rolls his eyes.
His patronizing tone makes me want to smack him over the head, so I take a deep breath and remember how much he’s suffered.
“I know you don’t trust me and that’s fine, I just need you to understand that I’m not backing off until this is over.”
He takes one last drag before snuffing it out on the concrete floor and turning around to climb up the steps without so much as a ‘goodbye’. I kneel on the floor in front of her picture and trace my hand over the marker, crayon, and pencil marks. If I look closely, I can make out images. Faceless girls and body mutilation among rainbows, stars, and flowers. Resting my head against the wall, I whisper to her. Who she was, and who she is.
“Please forgive me. I’ll never hurt you again. I swear.”
The traffic is light enough that even though Sinn Gates apartments are on the other side of town, it isn’t long before the apartment number 13B is staring me in the face.
Tavin has to hate me. Those things I said to her were terrible. I need her to know that I’m behind her no matter how deep this horror show goes. She needs to know that I’m so fucking sorry and I don’t care how long it takes, I will prove to her that she can trust me.
With a large breath, I finally lift my hand and knock. Sasha swings the door open so hard it blows her hair back. I’m impressed with how well she covers her surprise.
“What are you doing here?”
“I need to see her.”
Her lips release a nervous laugh. “Now isn’t the best time, Alex.”
It’s either the look on her face or how she says it, that makes me realize Tavin is here with someone. While I may not have a right to be angry about it, I sure as hell can stop it right the fuck now.
“Where is she?”
She sighs and holds her hand out to let me pass. “In the one on the end.”
My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it while I walk down the hall. The glass doorknob creaks a little as I open the door to see her sitting on the floor. Alone.
Oh, thank Christ.
One of the knots in my stomach loosens as I slowly walk inside. She’s in a sheer, purple t-shirt and panties, with her knees pressed to her chest, as she leans against the side of the bed. She ignores me as she focuses on her left hand, holding it out in front of her as if she’s examining her nails.
“Tavin?”
Simply laying eyes on her puts a strain on my breathing. She survived that nightmare. She’s so much stronger than I thought. I got angry that she wouldn’t talk to me when she was trusting me as much as she could. She did love me and I fucked it up. After everything she’s been through, she’s still capable of love. Her life is filled with horrible people, yet her heart remains pure.
Kneeling in front of her, I reach out to touch her face. I miss her so damn much. Her gaze slowly lifts to me and her pupils are the size of pinpoints. She swipes her hand in front of my face.
“Look,” she whispers, and lets out a breathy laugh.
What’s she on now? I’ve always assumed her addictions were her choice, when in reality, they were forced onto her. And even if they hadn’t been, after knowing what I know now, I can’t blame her for needing an escape. I brush my thumb across her soft lip. Being able to touch her again does wonders for calming my nerves. I press a kiss to her temple and stand, before closing the door behind me. I’m obviously not going to get anything out of her right now, and my sister has some questions to answer.
Sasha’s back is to me when I walk out from the hall. “What the hell is she on?”
Without looking up from the
cup she’s rinsing, she waves me off. “Oh, she dropped acid this morning.”
My jaw drops at not only her statement, but also her lack of concern. “Fucking Acid? You allowed that?”
Her head snaps up at me and she waves a finger. “Oh, no. Hell no. You don’t get to show up now and be condescending. You have no idea what it’s been like over here.” She dries her hands on a towel before resting them on her hips. “Do you want a beer?”
“Unless you have something stronger.”
She opens the cabinet and takes down two glasses. “Between the drugs, the nightmares, and the late nights, things have been a little rough.” The bottle scrapes across the wood of the table as she pushes it towards me. “Besides, it’s probably your fault she’s in there like that anyway. I can only imagine how shitty you were to her last night.”
I groan as I pour our drinks. “Believe me, I know.”
Her fingers lightly tap the glass for a moment before she blurts, “Why are you here, Alex?”
Slouching in the chair, I rub my eyes with my palms. “I put together some incredibly disturbing pieces of her puzzle tonight. I need to talk to her and preferably when she’s not on an LSD trip.”
Her mouth drops open before she covers it with her hand. “Oh my God…what do you know?”
“What the fuck do you know? She told you?”
Softening her voice, she tilts her head. “Alex…”
She trusted her, not me. Why? What do I need to do to get her to let me in?
“How could you not have told me, Sasha? How long have you known?”
“If you haven’t noticed, this whole situation is a bit convoluted. She’s terrified and doesn’t know what to do. Frankly, neither do I. According to her and Toben, Logan is as dangerous as he is rich. She’s scared he’s going to kill her and do the same to us if he finds out we’ve been helping her.” She taps her temple and whispers, “There are things…going on up here, Alex. She thinks that if you know about her, you will see her the way she sees herself. All her self-loathing is so much more than low self-esteem. It’s been drilled into her head as fact, her entire life.” Her fingers wrap around my hand and squeeze. “She wasn’t sober when she told me or else she wouldn’t have.” She’s saying that to make me feel a little less hurt, but it doesn’t work. “It was the night of the dinner nightmare at mom and dad’s. She was an emotional disaster, and it was like it poured out of her. Once she started telling me, she couldn’t stop. I’m sorry I didn’t go to you, I was only doing what I thought was right. I honestly did think she would tell you, eventually.” She crosses her arms and narrows her eyes at me. “How did you find out whatever it is you know, anyway?”
I never realized how creepy this sounded, until Silas found out that day on my boat. “I hired someone. A private investigator…”
She snorts. “No you didn’t.”
“…And I went to the Shadoebox Penitentiary to speak with her father.”
Her eyes widen and her mouth forms and O. “No you didn’t.”
“Yeah…that was a colorful experience.”
She flaps her hand in front of my face to hurry me along. “Well? What did he say?”
I debate whether to tell her. I don’t want to lie to her, but I don’t want her telling Tavin because of her loyalty to her, either. The words decide for me as they come out on their own.
“He…recorded what Logan did to her. He was obviously aware it was going to happen. He told me where to find the cassette.”
She gapes at me as she realizes what exactly that entails. “Holy shit.”
“You have no idea.” I am wound up so tight that I pour another drink. “Logan fucking James. I can’t believe that’s who we’re dealing with. Do you know everything? What happened between then and now?”
She expels a harsh breath. “All I know is the cliff notes version. It still doesn’t feel right telling you anything until she knows what you’ve seen.”
“She can’t know about the tape, Sash.”
“Alex…”
I have zero energy to argue with her right now. This isn’t up for a debate. “What do you think her seeing it, or even knowing about it, would do to her? Just do what I say and don’t mention the fucking tape, alright?”
She holds her hands out in front of her chest. “Jesus, alright.”
I’m so damn tired. I look at the clock on the microwave and it’s only six fourteen. “How much longer is she going to be Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?”
“It should only be another hour or two. She took it around six this morning.”
“Holy shit.” I look at my watch to make sure her microwave clock is right. “That was twelve hours ago!”
“Yeah, the little bitch waltzes into my room this morning and says, ‘Hey, Sasha, I just dropped some acid, so I’ll be trippin’ for a while.’ Then she walks away like she told me she was going to take a shower.”
I actually laugh. With Sasha mimicking her, I can picture it so perfectly.
No matter how many questions I ask, Sasha still won’t tell me anymore than I already know.
We’re still sitting at the kitchen table when I hear footsteps coming down the hall. My throat closes before I even turn to see her.
She’s roughing up her pastel hair, that if I am completely honest, I absolutely hate, and hasn’t changed from her underwear and t-shirt. She looks as gorgeous as ever while her drowsy gaze remains on the floor and she opens the fridge.
“Oh my God, Tavin!” Sasha yells. “Would you please put some damn pants on? How many times do I have to tell you? I don’t like Drew seeing you like that.”
Yeah, I don’t like Drew seeing her like that either.
“Fine.” Mumbling under her breath she adds, “It’s hot and he isn’t even here.”
She slams the refrigerator shut as she gulps down a bottle of water. She lowers it from her lips and when she wipes her mouth, our eyes connect. Neither of us moves for a moment until a cloud of despair darkens her face. Let me tell you right now, you never want to see the girl you love, look at you like that.
She backs up a couple steps before turning around and sprinting back down the hall. I jump up behind her, catching up with her at her door.
“Hey, hey, hey, Tavin, stop.” I hold her shoulders as I watch her shrink into herself. “Please, look at me.”
She finally brings her eyes up to mine. While she isn’t crying yet, she doesn’t look like she can hold back much longer. I reach out to touch her and she fucking flinches. If I’m not feeling shattered enough tonight, that does it.
I have so much to say with no idea where to start, so I go with what I feel is most important. “I am so, so sorry. For everything I’ve said and done. All of it. I’m so damn sorry, Tav.” I press my head against hers and whisper, “I love you. I never stopped loving you, I swear.”
Her chest rises with choppy breaths as she looks at me with glossy eyes full of confusion. “Nothing’s changed, Alexander.”
Shaking my head, I cup her face. “Everything’s changed.” I take the bottle of water from her hand and lead her into the bedroom, closing the door behind us, and setting the bottle on the dresser. I lightly trace my fingers over her shirt where I know her brand is. “How could you not tell me?”
Her head ticks as the color in her face fades. “What are you talking about?” Backing away, she nearly trips over her own feet as she tries to get away from me. I wish I could kiss all of this away. I would do anything to take her pain for myself.
“You know what I’m talking about. What Logan did to you, to Toben. The heroin, the brand, the dog cage… God, Tav, you should have fucking told me.”
She shakes her head violently as the tears finally break through. “No, no, no, no.” Her eyelashes are drenched and her cheeks are shiny with moisture as she claws at her hair. She holds her arms out and screams at me through her sobs. She’s crying so hard I can barely make out her words. “Well, this is me, Alexander. You wanted to know and now you do.” She dr
ops her face into her hands. “You probably hate that you put yourself inside me.”
God, she’s grinding me up raw. Standing in front of her, I cup the back of her head. “Tavin…please don’t say stuff like that. I want to be with you right now.”
She shakes her head and frowns at me. “No, you don’t. You said it yourself, I’m just a fucked-up mess.”
I really wish I could punch myself in the face. I’m such an asshole. “I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean any of it. I was hurting and angry. You wouldn’t trust me or talk to me and I had just finished watching you inhale a bunch of shit up your nose. You were touching him…and the way you danced with him…I lashed out, and I’m so sorry. You always have been, and will forever be, the most incredible girl in the world to me. I adore you, Lille.”
“How can this not change how you feel?”
My hand moves along her wet jaw line and her chest rises to my touch. “I never said it didn’t change. It has. I didn’t realize who you were until now. That you fought your way through a world of nightmares and somehow came out with your heart intact.” I kiss her and her breathing is shaky beneath my lips. “I’ve always known you were beautiful, Tavin. What I wasn’t aware of, is that the strength of your spirit is what makes you so breathtaking.”
Squeezing her eyes shut, she grips at my shirt. “I can’t.” She pushes me away as my heart free falls into my stomach. “This whole thing keeps going too far and then even further. He can’t know about you. He’ll hurt you. Bad. The way he’ll see it, you never paid him to play with me and you kept me away from my Clients. You stole from him, and I’m so sorry I tricked you into doing that.”
Her words should worry me, yet nothing compares to the fear I have of her pushing me away again. “All of this could have been avoided if you would have told me what was going on, in the beginning.”
“What was I supposed to begin to say, Lex?” She pulls her hair away from her tear-streamed face. “None of it should have happened! I broke an endless number of rules and I never planned to stay. It was mean and selfish. You just…You make me feel things I’ve never felt before.”
