by Charity B.
“I call this one the Tavin Tuck.”
She jumps off and I look at Blind Mag. “Or as the rest of the world calls it, a ‘cannonball’.” The next one is the ‘Tavin Toe Toucher’.
The afternoon is so perfect, we’re almost able to forget our troubles outside of the pool. I chase her back into the house to shower, and as she dries her hair, we weigh the pros and cons of Chinese or wings for dinner.
The muffled sound of Fashionista plays in my pocket and the picture of Sasha with her tongue sticking out, lights up my screen.
“Hey, Sash.”
“You need to come get your piece of shit sister. She knew this was a deal breaker,” Drew barks into the phone.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Tavin’s head cocks to the side, as Drew goes off in my ear. “I came home for lunch to find her fucked out of her head. I told her from the beginning: no drugs.”
Though I should be feeling something along the lines of anger or disappointment, the only thing I feel is disbelief. This doesn’t make sense. She was doing amazing and she was so proud of herself. Everything with Tavin should have been the nail in the coffin to keep her away from it, but maybe it had the reverse effect. What if it’s all been too triggering and I’m the one that pulled her back in? What if this is my fault?
It’s supposed to be my job to protect her. I swore it to her.
Twenty-three years ago…
I was supposed to be asleep an hour ago, and if Cara Jo catches me she’ll take away my new comic. I just got it today and it keeps getting better and better! I had to wait a whole week for this issue, I don’t want to have to wait a whole other day to finish it.
The beam from my flashlight shows the warehouse blowing up and I can’t turn the page fast enough.
Click.
That was my door…uh oh, Cara Jo.
I flip off my flashlight and shove the comic beneath my pillow as I slam my head down on it.
“Alexander?” Oh whew, it’s only Sasha. “I know you’re awake reading your new comic…can I come in?”
I scoot to the edge of my bed and pull my blankets back. “Sure, come on.”
She crawls into bed and lays her head next to mine. “I got scared.”
“I told you not to watch that movie with me.”
There’s enough light from my X-Men nightlight to see her head shaking. “It wasn’t the movie.” She looks down and frowns. “Do you think I’m a big wuss for coming in here?”
I don’t like it when she feels bad about anything, so I hug her. “Nope. That’s what big brothers are for.”
She giggles, “You’re only three minutes older.”
“Older is older.” I shrug. “Do you want me to read you my comic?”
“No. Will you tell me a story? Not a scary one though.”
“Okay… pick a color.”
“Sage!”
She’s so weird sometimes. “What kind of color is sage?”
“It’s green.”
“Okay, so there was a little girl who lived in Sageville, and when she woke up in the morning she would always brush her sage hair with her sage hairbrush before putting on a sage dress.”
“She has sage hair? That isn’t very realistic.”
“Do you want to hear the story or not?”
“Sorry…keep going!” She reaches to the floor to pick up my Charlie Horse doll, before laying her head on my chest.
“She got on her sage bike to go to the Sage River. On her way, she learned today was going to be a different kind of day. A clan from…pick another color—a normal one this time.”
She taps her finger against her chin. “Um…orange.”
I wrap my arm around her as I roll on my side. “A clan from Orangetopia was traveling by. The little girl saw them and hurried back home to tell her mother what she saw. The whole town of Sageville came to see these strange, new visitors that had odd, orange hair and orange clothes. The little girl’s family, along with other families in Sageville, welcomed them and allowed them to stay in their sage houses.”
“So, everything was just green and orange?”
“Stop interrupting and you’ll find out.”
“Sorry,” she whispers.
“Well, one day, the little girl from Sageville and a little boy from Orangetopia were coloring a picture. She colored the sage leaves for the trees and he colored oranges to make it a fruit tree. Then something wonderful happened!”
She jumps up on her elbows. “What? What happened?!”
“Well, the orange and sage colors mixed together on the page and made a whole new color! Neither of them had ever seen it before and it allowed them to color a trunk to the tree and branches!”
“They made brown!” She claps her hands together. “Then what happened?”
I shrug because that was the end. “They all lived together forever and happy.”
She squeezes Charlie Horse to her chest. “That was a good story, thank you, Alexander.”
“You’re welcome. Do you feel better?”
She nods. “Yes, but can I still sleep in here with you tonight?”
“Sure.” I adjust the pillows so we both have enough. “If it wasn’t the movie, why were you scared?”
She breathes real hard and says, “Well…today when Jerich came over with his parents, he took my Skip-it. He wasn’t playing with it right, so I told him to stop, and he said he could do whatever he wanted. I tried to take it from him and he used it to hit me and it hurt real bad so I cried. Then he said if I told anyone he would send the boogeyman to come eat me.” She looks up at me with big eyes and hugs Charlie Horse tighter. “And I just told you!”
That dumb Jerich. I hate that kid. He thinks he is so smart and he’s so special because his dad owns a baseball team. Well, I’ll show him next time I see him. Nobody messes with my sister besides me.
“He’s a stupid liar. He doesn’t even know the boogeyman. Don’t worry, I won’t ever let anything happen to you, okay? I’ll always keep you safe, Sasha. No matter what.”
“Always?”
“Always. Promise.”
Her breathing slows and I think she’s starting to fall asleep. “You’re the best brother in the whole, wide world, Alexander.”
“And you’re the best sister in the whole, wide world.”
Since the Alfa is only a two-seater, I drive the Mercedes and park it in the Sinn Gates parking garage. I hold Tavin’s hand as she carries the dog up the elevator. The closer we get to Sasha’s floor the more fidgety and anxious she becomes.
“I don’t understand, Lex. She was always so insistent that I not bring it around her. Why would she do this now?”
I wish I knew why she did it in the first place. I shake my head because I have no answers for either of us. She puts Blind Mag down as the elevator dings, and holds the leash as we walk to apartment 13B.
I knock on the door and Drew opens it. “It’s about damn ti—” I don’t use full strength, probably not even half, but I still get plenty of pleasure from hitting him in the face. He grabs his jaw as he rights himself. “Argh! What the hell?”
“That was a love tap. Call my sister a ‘piece of shit’ again and you’ll feel what it’s really like when I hit you.” I brush past him to see her, droopy eyed, on the couch. She’s definitely high.
Shit, Sash.
“I have to get back to work. I’ll separate her things later this week and mail them. I don’t want her back here. Lock the door when you leave, you can send the key.” Other than being a little stunned from being hit in the face, Drew acts mostly unaffected by the fact he’s kicking out his fiancé. He’s about to walk out until he remembers to add, “And don’t let that dog pee on the floor, Tavin.”
He shuts the door and Tavin situates Sasha into a more comfortable position on the couch, as Blind Mag does the same for herself.
“Where’s Drew?” Sasha mumbles.
Tavin stands and rubs her arm. “I’m going to get her a blanket an
d a—” Her attention shifts to the floor as she kneels down and picks up a plastic wrapper. “This is the exact same packaging our needles come in.”
I take it from her to look. There isn’t anything unique or unusual about it. When I look back at her, she’s frowning at Sasha, lost in thought.
“Tavin?”
Her eyes lift to meet mine. “I think this was Logan.” I shouldn’t allow myself to close my eyes because when I do, all I see is him shoving a needle into the ten-year-old version of my heart. “I think he knows I was staying here.”
I collapse onto the couch and rub my forehead as if it will help me think. “We need to wait until Sasha can tell us what happened before we can know anything for sure.”
Something dawns on her as she covers her mouth and gasps, “Oh, God…Toben! Logan will know he knew!” She pushes her palms against her temples before she gestures toward Sasha. “They’ve been pretending to date.”
“Yeah, he wishes.” Her eyes are pleading with me to fix this so I take her hand and pull her down to sit next to me. “Let’s get Sasha sober, and get you both back to my place, then I’ll go talk to Toben. Okay?”
She looks back at Sasha’s stirring body and nods. “Okay.”
I make us some tea and we sit on the couch watching Netflix while we wait. If someone were to look into the window, it would appear that we’re an average couple being lazy on a Sunday afternoon, while Sasha could just as easily be napping.
Reality is not always how it appears, through a window.
“TWO YEARS!”
I’ve never seen Sasha freak out like this. I’m worried she’s going to pull her hair out if she keeps yanking at it like that. Her breathing is panicked as she paces the floor.
She’s told me how hard she worked and continues to work to stay away from the needle, and because of me, all that hard work was for nothing.
“I’m so sorry…this is all my fault.”
Her head whips over to me as she glares. “Not now with that shit, Tavin. You didn’t do this. This was that MOTHERFUCKER!” She screams as she keeps her hands in fists at her side. Alexander hasn’t stopped looking at her like he wants to cry and she finally stops moving around enough to allow his arms to wrap around her. As soon as he pulls her to his chest, her shoulders shake as she weeps onto his shoulder. “I don’t want to start over again, Alex.”
He kisses her cheek as he squeezes her tighter and tells her, “I’ll take care of you, Sash. Whatever you need, I’ll get it. It won’t be like last time, I swear.”
She nods before she steps away and looks up at me. Not even trying to hide her disgust, she says, “I can’t believe you were raised by that sick freak.”
Even though I know she’s sad and upset, her words still hurt. I know exactly who Logan is, but just like she said, he did raise me.
Alexander asks her, “What happened before he injected you?”
Her shoulders sag as she lets out a breath. “I was pretty sure it was him as soon as I opened the door,” she gestures to me, “and since she wasn’t here, I didn’t think he would do anything. He greeted me as if we see each other all the time, it was really weird. There was another man with him and I figured proving I had nothing to hide was the way to go, so I let them in.” She shakes out her hands and starts pacing again. I want to hug her so badly. “He told me he had a ‘message’ for you: He knows who you are, and if you wanted to play with his toy, all you had to do was ask.” Alexander’s body stiffens to the point I can’t even tell if he’s breathing. “He said if you return ‘The Product’,” she sarcastically puts her fingers in air quotes, “in a timely manner, then this,” she points to the red spot on her arm, “and a fair financial settlement, will be the only repayment required, since he holds our father in such high regard.”
Alexander doesn’t respond. He doesn’t do anything besides turn his head to look out her window. I hate it so much seeing him sad. His brightness is dimmed and I’m the reason.
Doing my best to comfort him and make this easier, I take his hand to hold it. It’s clenched so tight. I push his fingers open to slide mine between them.
Sasha’s voice doesn’t really sound like hers, other than her heavier accent, as she continues her story. “I thought that was the end of it, until he told the other guy to hold me down.” The anger creeps back into her eyes when she looks at Lex and wipes her hand across her still wet cheek. “He touched my face. I don’t think my heart has ever beat so hard. I was terrified. I didn’t know what he was gonna do.” Her voice breaks with hidden tears as she tries to regain her composure. “He was so close to me, I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he whispered, ‘Aging is such a shame. You were an incredibly beautiful child.’ It was creepy as fuck, Alex.” She walks to the sofa and falls against the cushions. “Then he gave me the shot. That’s all I remember.”
Alexander squeezes my hand so hard I wonder if I will hear the bones crack. When he finally speaks, it’s cold. “What if dad knows? About all of it?” He asks her.
Just because Bjørn was an original Client, doesn’t mean he knows anything about my life before then. Unless Logan told him, which I seriously doubt.
“I don’t think so. I didn’t meet Bjørn until our fifth anniversary.”
Both of their heads snap in my direction as they simultaneously ask, “Whose anniversary?”
“Toben, Logan and mine.”
“Are you telling me that you celebrated…it?” He speaks as if he’s tasted something gross.
I pull my hand away. I knew he wouldn’t be able to understand. He’s acting like it’s horrible when I’ve always loved that Logan did that for us. Anniversaries were one of my favorite days of the year.
I cross my arms. “Yes. I looked forward to it, actually.”
His face hardens and his Adam’s apple bobs. I’ve clearly made him angry. “So how exactly does one celebrate rape day? Or as you call it, ‘initiation’.”
He’s making fun of me. Of my life. I feel stupid and embarrassed. I knew this would happen. I’m able to swallow down the tears before they come up too high for me to answer his question.
“After we played, he would give us presents and a big cupcake. Then we would all get high together.”
It’s like someone wipes something over his face because his fury is smoothed out as he looks to Sasha. “Pack what you can. We need to get going.”
She chews the inside of her mouth before spinning around and disappearing down the hall. His hand is back around mine as he pulls me to the big chair and onto his lap.
“I’m sorry. I hurt your feelings and I don’t want that. Honestly Tav, I have no idea how to go forward with this information. I’ve never experienced hate quite like this before. I want him to suffer an excruciating death and I know I can’t kill him myself no matter how much I fantasize about it. I’m not perfect by any stretch, so I may not react to some of the stuff you tell me, in the best way, alright? Just please know I don’t ever want to hurt you, okay?”
I want him to understand me, and my life, and my feelings, so I suppose that means it’s only fair that I try to see his side. I know he cares about me and I do know my situation isn’t good or normal. This probably is very difficult on him as well.
I nod and smile at him when Blind Mag jumps in my lap. “Okay.”
We get her stuff together pretty fast with all three of us doing it. Alexander loads it all into the trunk while Sasha and I climb into the Mercedes. I tug the seat-belt strap across my chest as she pops her head in between the front seats.
“Give it to me straight. Should I stop planning this wedding?”
This is all my fault. She’s been so excited about her dress and cake. She told me she’s been dreaming of it since she was a little girl. I’ve barely thought about what a wedding is, much less ever wanting one.
“He was pretty mad, but maybe if you explain how it wasn’t your fault, he won’t be, anymore.”
She reaches out and picks up Blind Mag from my lap. �
��What did he say exactly?”
I don’t want to tell her. She isn’t a ‘piece of shit’, she’s beautiful, and my friend. “It wasn’t very nice, Sasha, don’t worry though, Lex punched him.”
I expect her to be proud of him for standing up for her. Instead, her nostrils are flaring and her nails are going to ruin Lex’s upholstery, so I don’t think she is.
“He what?”
Before I can answer her, Lex gets into the car and looks at us. “What?”
“You hit Drew?!”
He playfully narrows his eyes at me. I didn’t know she would get angry.
“He’s lucky that’s all I did. I’ve never understood why you let him talk to you that way.”
She must be dropping it for now because she leans back in her seat and quietly pets Blind Mag.
They don’t want me to blame myself, but how am I supposed to do that when this IS my fault? Absolutely none of this would be happening if I wouldn’t have gotten involved with Lex.
His thumb presses a couple buttons on the steering wheel and ringing momentarily fills the car before it’s replaced by Silas’ distorted voice.
“Hey.” He sounds like he’s holding his breath. As he harshly exhales and starts coughing, I know he’s smoking. A joint sounds fabulous right now.
“Hey, are you home? I need a favor.”
“Does it require getting up? Because I just rolled a fatty.”
Lex’s lips are pressed together as he exhales through his nose. “This is serious, Silas. I need you to keep an eye on Tavin and Sasha while I run out for a bit. It shouldn’t take long.”
“Uh…okay, I guess.” His voice turns bubbly as he asks, “Sasha’s with you?”
“Yeah, it’s a long story. Be ready when I get there and stop smoking. I need you sober.”
“Ugh, fine. Somebody better be dying.”
My heart cracks at the thought of Logan beating Toben to death. The horrible things he would do to him if he’s angry enough. We need to hurry.
Lex takes my hand and kisses it. “Be there in a few.”’
